I would say IF is the key word here. The OP didn’t say she was available and had the desire. In fact, it sounds like it is a burden that she’s aftaid is going to fall to her.
Not everyone has a family history with their MIL that would make them want to rush out and take care of them. Sometimes people have years of resentment, and it’s not always a pleasure to see them…but they feel forced. If that’s the case, her H better say thank you and be supportive of every thing she does to help HIS mother.
I would do anything for my MIL, but my Dad burned that bridge with my husband years ago, taunting him about politics. Now my Dad can barely get around, and he lost out on the best free household labor he could have ever had. I never ask my husband to do ANYTHING for my parents, unless it’s just carrying something heavy around for a minute. I completely remember how obnoxious my Dad was and they just have to hire people. Sometimes I want to ask my Dad, “Those couple of minutes of joy you got, dancing around chanting loser, loser, loser. Was it worth it?”
No no no…not greedy. It’s an awkward situation you and MIL had a process to avoid. Sons just don’t want to take $10 from mom when they get that old. Just ignore it.
But only do what you want to do. Agreeing to do for an in law while their children sit idle can rankle the best of us, and make us feel resentful. This is a problem with my situation too. The kids do nothing, and seem to “expect” me to bc I am nice. So now and then I get mad bc my choices seem to be let and old lady suffer or let her kids take advantage of me…I hear you.
“Everybody knows OP’s husband will put up a big showy fight to pay”
“but is never late to eat the dinner OP provides, does not seem to appreciate all that OP is doing for his mom.”
“Everyone knows OP’s husband wouldn’t be caught dead accepting grocery money from Mom”
There’s A LOT of extrapolating and creative license going on here by posters vs what has been said or I’m not reading the same thing you all are reading or reading between the lines the way many are…
This. For OP’s h to call her greedy means that he doesn’t value at all the grocery shopping, delivery and cooking dinner she’s doing for his mother.Those items alone are worth far more than $10.
I do wonder what the h’s expectations are for when his mother needs more help. Will he volunteer to do things like he did the cooking of dinner and then renege on the offer? And then it will fall on the OP to do these things? And then OP will be sliding down the slippery slope of being expected to do the lion’s share of caregiving for mil? I hope not.
What’s this cost OP, so far? A few extra minutes in the market, driving, maybe 1.5-2 hours making and eating dinner, and $10? An occasional ride? This is today, not when she needs a higher level of care.
OP and her H had the discussion, made the plan. “he and I had discussed the money situation and agreed that she would pay for her own expenses” I may have missed where the MIL offered. “She asks for the receipts” isn’t a big clue, to me, how MIL feels.
My reaction, like others’, is personal. “Fair isn’t always equal and equal isn’t always fair.” It seems now that the dispute is between OP and DH. Don’t take that out on the MIL.
Is she unpleasant? Dictatorial? Everyone is epressed for 6 days, in between visits? We’ve heard it all on the Parents Caring thread. All we know here is OP and her D made a deal on reimbursing and DH wants to renege. Can we get some perspective?
OP hasn’t given us a lot of context about the supposed agreement. For all we know, the agreement was in the context of costs associated with home repair and maintenance – putting on a new roof, for example – and OP extrapolated it to $10 worth of groceries. We just don’t know.
I realize there is a lot of extrapolating and guessing going on, but some things seem apparent to me. The OP does not want to be the one taking care of MIL, doesn’t want to be doing what she is right now for her, and resents it. We don’t know the reasons or the history, but I’m not going to judge someone for that.
I didn’t read the whole thread, but what stands out to me is the H going from 0-100 at breakneck speed in resorting almost immediately to name-calling. Which is what calling her “greedy” is. They may have different understandings about the money agreement, but to name-call is very, very low.
And that does not even get into the fact that, as is very common, it is the wife doing the family’s emotional/supportive work, and not getting appreciated for it.
On the other hand, I would like to invite OP and her DH to an annual fundraising gala supporting a very good cause in my area. After drinks and dinner and drinks, the live auction gets very lively, and the opportunity to publicly spend money on an organization that helps kids is available to all.
This is what I think of when I read
, and why I assume DH would never take grocery money from Mom.
I do not think it is greedy. I think you were being polite in taking the money, a token amount for all involved. It is not the money but a statement by your MIL that she has a part in her own care. She may feel infantalized with everything being done for her - even while feeling grateful to have a wonderful daughter-in-law who loves her enough to dedicate her time and energy - without any contribution from her. So the $10 makes MIL feel good.
" The OP does not want to be the one taking care of MIL, doesn’t want to be doing what she is right now for her, and resents it. "
I agree, @busdriver1, that this seems to be an issue and one that did not come up in the initial post. My guess is the discussion has helped OP to parse out some of what is bothering her and being able to acknowledge that and discuss it with her spouse will move things forward.
I think I remember from other threads than you are an adjunct professor, a job that is extremely time consuming and frequently stressful. So you have a full time schedule before you add care taking tasks for your MIL. Since I wasn’t working outside the home, I have been the caregiver, whenever one was needed, in my family and my husband’s family. Even without other daily obligations it sometimes became overwhelming. I feel pretty strongly that your husband should be thanking you rather than criticizing. However, I agree with others that in the immediate aftermath of death, you just have to let some things go and get through it as best you can.
Overall I feel the one doing the care giving should be supported by the rest of the family. If that isn’t possible, someone else should take over. In your situation, you could hire it out. Best of luck to you working this out.
This is clearly about the money, and family dynamics. OP has other threads on money/family issues, and even states their income in $180-200K range. While more fortunate than most, that is not the kind of “wealth” that makes what you spend irrelevant and carefree.
OP and H seem to disagree on how to deal with his family and money (based on this and other threads). That’s a big issue. I would never take money from my mother in the incident described. However, in a long-term situation of running her errands and purchasing things for her, it does seem appropriate to have a plan, regardless of who is paying. That plan or agreement should not exclude the H. I don’t think either at fault, but both hurt and frustrated. I would sit down with H when both calm and come to an agreement with each other first and foremost.
I just want to add husband and I both probably lost our minds a little bit after the death of our parents. We just weren’t always rational. It was difficult for a while.
@alh, I appreciate what you just wrote. And I wonder if it also applies to OP’s situation. I know it does to mine.
My stepdad (of some 50 years, lol) recently passed away after a long illness during which my mom was his primary care taker. My sister, who lives nearby, was their long-term cheerleader, source of emotional support, and frequent companion.
Both my mom and my sister have now lost their minds a little bit. Neither is terribly rational, certainly not patient with herself/the world.
I keep telling them both that this is a difficult time of upheaval and stress even greater than when my stepdad was alive.
I hope, with time, things will calm down. But in the meantime, let’s just say I get a lot of highly emotionally charged phone calls.
The OP says she has recently (in the last several weeks) begun picking up things for MIL when she goes to the grocery store or sometimes maybe even making a special trip once a week after asking if she needs anything. And if I have it right, has made dinner for her once a week for several weeks in a row. Buying groceries and cooking her MIL an occasional meal are kind, generous, and loving things to do for her MIL.
But she is not her MIL’s “caregiver” by a LONG shot, as I understand her posts. Some of the responses to the thread have exaggerated her role in her MIL’s life imo by referring to her as her MIL’s caregiver. I think the OP is being quite kind to her MIL, and I still think setting some boundaries is important for the future- in the event that MIL ever gets ill and actually needs a caregiver, so she won’t get pressured into taking on more and more responsibility for her. But she is not actually taking care of her MIL in the usual sense of the word. A bit tangential to the major issue, but still worth mentioning.
This thread is fascinating – so many different reactions, assumptions, people filling in blanks in the story differently. There aren’t right and wrong answers here, but the OP and her husband have to get on the same page. And really get on the same page – none of this “But we agreed . . . !” or “It’s only $X . . . .!”
A few things are clear. The OP and her husband didn’t have the agreement she thought they did. If they had, he would not have “broken” the agreement so readily. The husband shouldn’t have called the OP “greedy,” but I think it’s clear that the comment went to a whole course of disagreements about money and family and rules, not $10 that day. Things aren’t going to be fixed by the OP lightening up (although that would help) and her husband backing her up (although that would help, too).
Anyway. OP: Your husband’s attitude towards money, and financial dealings with his family, seem characterological. You are not going to change him at this point. He should learn to be more sensitive – a lot more sensitive – to how uncomfortable that makes you, but I hope you can carve out a space where he can be who he feels he needs to be in his family without having to betray you or break promises to you. And if he and you can agree on some lines – really agree, not just badger each other into something, or set one another up for failure and “I told you so” – then he has to respect those lines, too. And neither of you should be using your infirm, bereaved MIL as a hostage in a disagreement between the two of you.
All three of you, and the rest of your in-laws,too, deserve to be treated with love and respect by each other. But love and respect can inhere in – or be absent from – any particular set of rules regarding who pays for what.
I agree that she is not the MIL’s “caregiver.” She was simply doing something nice to help her MIL and H. I don’t think one should expect accolades for those things, but it would be tough for me to take being called “greedy” when my actions would better be described as caring and helpful. If I put myself in OP’s shoes I would have been stunned by the possibility that the man I have been married to for X number of years could think of me in those terms. The word “greedy” is hurtful because it reflects on one’s character.
Perhaps OP can take a step back and consider that her H is not quite himself due to his father’s recent death. So if he expresses regret for his characterization of her then she could express the same regret for her words. Then they just need to revisit the agreement regarding his mother’s expenses and care.
I also think H was out of line to call his wife greedy over $10 that MIL could easily pay. What’s so wrong getting the account straight when no one is having financial difficulty. It’s just accounting. You don’t need to label it with something that it’s not. Getting paid back doesn’t mean there’s no love when there’s enough wealth to go around. It’s just simple bookkeeping.
MIL has been driving herself for some minor errands and appointments, but we have snow now and it’s dangerous out, so there are starting to be more errands and driving her places. At least one of us checks up on her at the house every day, and we try to spend time hanging out there. Today, she wanted to go to a friend’s for lunch, so I picked her up and took her there. I went to work at one of our apartments, put gas in her car, then picked her up and took her home. I wasn’t going to mention the gas, since people seem to think that would be petty, but she noticed and insisted on paying me for it.
I also had a call with H, and expressed some of the helpful comments posters made here which seemed to best describe the situation - to the effect that MIL and I are working out these arrangements and maybe it would be better if he wasn’t barging around making decisions for us or telling us we’re doin’ it wrong. I also made it clear that I will not argue with her when she tries to pay. Otherwise I will end up doing exactly what they all do - “no, really, I insist” – “no here take it” – “no, I refuse to touch it” --“I want you to take it. Here, I’m stuffing it into your purse” – “I’ll just leave my purse here” Why would I go through this? It would make the whole thing much more stressful. There have been times at restaurants when they got into such a state that I wanted to hide under the table.
People are right that there are a lot of deeper issues here. I’ve known MIL for a long time, and this is a new dynamic for us. It’s not that I object to helping her as best I can. Without going into detail, I do have a very justifiable concern with being “volunteered” for things and having little or no say in the matter. Right after FIL died, other family members were making a lot of very concerning statements, many of which I felt were unrealistic. I’m trying to be realistic about what I can manage, while still working and keeping up my own home.