<p>My 15 yo daughter is invited at least once a month to a birthday dinner at a decent restaurant. Not only is she expected to bring a present, she is also expected to pay for her own dinner. The first time this happened we were both mortified because she had barely enough money to pay for her dinner. Now it seems the rule instead of the exception. Last night she went to Bonefish and then went out for frozen yogurt. Plus we purchased a coffee shop gift card and a nail shop gift card for the birthday girl. All on my dime. </p>
<p>I don’t mind giving money to my daughter for socializing. And I know if I don’t want to spend the money, I can just tell my daughter she can’t go. I just always thought that when you hosted a party, especially one that includes presents, that you were responsible for the expense.</p>
<p>Is this the new norm or am I being an Emily Post fuddy duddy?</p>
<p>I haven’t heard of this happening so regularly with young people, but it is a subject Miss Manners pillories often. You can’t expect guests to pay for your party!</p>
<p>If the kids were younger, would the birthday parents expect the little ones to show up with cash to pay for their outing? No, it’s very tacky and unfair to the guests.</p>
<p>That’s my opinion. And can you imagine somebody with much younger kids having a party at Chuck E Cheese’s and parceling up the bill to the parents? Wouldn’t happen. I think when parents are hosting a birthday event for their children, expenses should be covered. And if they can’t afford to cover expenses for everyone, they shouldn’t pick a pricey restaurant. They can choose to stay home and order pizza or make food. The one birthday I had at a restaurant, I only invited four people because the cost was higher.</p>
<p>I do think it’s different among adults. I’m 26 and if a friend invites me to dinner for their birthday, I’d expect to pay for myself.</p>
<p>Does your 15 year old daughter babysit? Maybe she could start earning some of this discretionary spending money. My kids thought long and hard about spending money THEY were earning…much moreso than money I gave them.</p>
<p>Are these events initiated by the honoree?
My daughter’s friends “get together” to celebrate in some amorphous, spontaneous process where there does not appear to be a specific “host.” In these situations, just as when they go out together for pizza or frozen yogurt on any other occasion, everyone pays their own way.</p>
<p>There’s a difference between so-and-so “having a party” and “everyone getting together at X place.” </p>
<p>My daughter has also been invited to parties at places like Dave and Buster’s. That’s an event, with a host, sometimes a physical invitation in the mail or more often, a Facebook invitation. Those are hosted.</p>
<p>We used to host birth parties for our kids, and they included dinners at some nice restaurants. We used to pay for those parties. Their friends would usually bring a nice birthday present for them. After they left for college, they would get few friends together to take out the birthday person for dinner, more often than not, the dinner would be the present. It is very bizarre for parents to organize a dinner party and expect their kid’s friends to pay. If that’s the case, why bother? When I am invited to an adult’s dinner party, whether it is at someone’s house or at a restaurant, I wouldn’t expect to pay either. It is a different matter if whole bunch friends decide to get together for dinner.</p>
<p>If this seem like the norm for your kid, I would give your kid $X as her allowance. She could figure out how she wants to use it. We used to do that with our teenage girls. It may have seem like a lot, but they used it to buy birthday presents and any entertainment they wanted. Good way for them to learn how to budget.</p>
<p>Hasn’t happened with my kids, yet, yikes! The birthday girl’s parents have paid for restaurant meals for guests. I’ve hosted a couple of these, and paid the bill, too. I agree if the family can’t afford to treat the kids, they should go <em>retro</em> – cake and ice cream at home, or at a park. Or go to the less expensive local pizza place (and yes, pay for the guests pizza!).</p>
<p>It is different with my age group of older friends, all adults. We tend to take the <em>birthday girl</em> out and split the bill, presents are optional. Even then, sometimes someone will opt out due to finances, and drop a small present on birthday girl’s doorstep.</p>
<p>Deskpotato - I agree that there is a distinction. Usually the “invitation” is presented to me as “Suzy is having a birthday party at Outback on Friday. Can I go?” . Often it’s a person she likes but is outside her immediate social circle. I guess it boils down to the interpretation of what constitutes a hosted birthday party. </p>
<p>If DD said to me, “We are all going for sushi for Megan’s birthday on Sunday.”, I wouldn’t see that as a hosted party.</p>
<p>Clearly, these events are initiated by the honoree. I think it’s tacky and inappropriate to ask kids to a birthday party and ask them to pay for it. To me, it’s like having the wedding you can afford.</p>
<p>Last year on my birthday, H and I asked 4 dear friends to join us at a fairly pricey (for VT) restaurant. We all went for the check at the end, but H prevailed. They were our guests! If we meet friends at a restaurant before a concert, for example, sometimes we split checks, sometimes we take turns paying.</p>
<p>My 17 year old goes out to dinner with friends to celebrate birthdays, but it is just the kids getting together and they all pay for their own. When she was a few years younger and we had birthday dinners, I paid for everything. I think the last one I paid for was when she turned 16.</p>
<p>Was it a party hosted by the parents? When my older son was in high school, they would often take their friends out for their birthday ( no parents) and treat the birthday boy. In that situation, the guests were also the hosts and paid for themselves. If the parents were hosting, I would expect them to cover the meal…
Years ago my wife and I got invited to a friend’s 30th birthday party at a restaurant with 30 people. We were seated at a table with a young couple with three little spawns of Satan. This was before we had kids and was a lesson in how not to raise them. The older kids didn’t like their meal so the parents let them order a second meal. When the older child didn’t like that, they ordered a third one. I had this feeling that we were going to be expected to pay for our own meal but my wife told me I was being ridiculous. sure enough at the end they bought a check to our table and the other couple suggested that we 'split the check". I politely refused and added up what our meal totaled plus tax and tip…My wife still reminds me that this was MY friend, not hers…We still refer to it as the birthday party from H*ll.
Edit- the invitation gave no indication that you were paying for yourself…</p>
<p>Yikes! Well… I could see conversation with my D2 going something like this, though (she is 17). “Could I have dinner out with my friends at the fancy Chinese restaurant for my birthday?” Me: “Sure, lets get invitations out, etc”. D: “Um… can we do it without adults?” Me: “Only if you want to do it without my credit card”. Now D would just have me come along to pay. But I can see how some kids might not…</p>
<p>Fifteen is young for this transition but it’s possible this wasn’t hosted by the family. It’s pretty common for groups of friends to go out for someone’s birthday and everyone pays for themselves, but gifts aren’t expected. Actually, looking back, we were done with hosting birthday parties by that age. They didn’t want sweet sixteens but we did host grad parties.</p>
<p>I think the norm is when parents have planned the party, they pay. However, many of these “young people b’day parties” are hosted by their peers…people who don’t have the money to fund the party, so everyone pitches in.</p>
<p>If parents are doing this, then tacky, tacky, tacky. If they can’t afford to host a restaurant, then have a BBQ in the backyard.</p>
<p>Years ago my wife and I got invited to a friend’s 30th birthday party at a restaurant with 30 people. We were seated at a table with a young couple with three little spawns of Satan. This was before we had kids and was a lesson in how not to raise them. The older kids didn’t like their meal so the parents let them order a second meal. When the older child didn’t like that, they ordered a third one. I had this feeling that we were going to be expected to pay for our own meal but my wife told me I was being ridiculous. sure enough at the end they bought a check to our table and the other couple suggested that we 'split the check". I politely refused and added up what our meal totaled plus tax and tip…My wife still reminds me that this was MY friend, not hers…We still refer to it as the birthday party from Hll.
Edit- the invitation gave no indication that you were paying for yourself…*</p>
<p>Wow…about the hosts. Wow…about Satan Spawns’ parents expecting you to help pay for their kids’ food. Unbelievable. Your “polite refusal” is not what I would have given. lol</p>
<p>I recently attended a baby shower that took place at a restaurant. I was a bit surprised that each person paid for her own lunch. (No clue given about this ahead of time.) I just received another invitation to a shower that will be held at a restaurant. I am prepared this time. ;)</p>
<p>No. My daughter has gone to multiple parties and she doesn’t pay for dinner if it’s a parent initiated event. I just had a sweet 16 party and paid for everyone. I couldn’t imagine inviting the teens to the party and having to split the bill out.</p>
<p>When they go to Panera and Chipotle, my daughter pays her on bill. If she doesn’t have money with her someone will share with her and she pays the next time.</p>
<p>No also. If party is initiated by birthday girl/parents I would expect them to pay. We did this for several birthdays when Ds were in HS…we let them pick a small number of friends and gave them credit card for dinner and ice cream. Now when they get older, if the birthday dinner is planned by friends, as in “we want to take you out for your birthday” then I would assume friends would all pay own way plus birthday girl. Next time you might want to ask if party is planned by friends for someone or if someone has planned a party and invited her.</p>
But I can see how some kids might not…</p>