<p>But if the birthday lunch or dinner is planned by friends, who are then the hosts, I’d say they should be picking the restaurant so it’s something they can afford.</p>
<p>I am with you. I suggest you make your daughter pay out of her own pocket if she wants to go. She will probably quickly realize this trend isn’t worth following.</p>
<p>The fabric of society is very complex.</p>
<p>I’ll never forget when my oldest was in middle school, he had been invited out to eat by a friend and his parents. When the bill came, they asked him for his share. Luckily he had some money on him but we were shocked that adults would invite a kid out to eat and not treat. Would have been even worse had it been for a birthday and son had brought a gift.</p>
<p>What are people thinking?</p>
<p>3bm103
My kids had a similar experience and like you, I was stunned! We did not encourage that friendship to develop.
It would never occur to me to invite friends out (kids, at that) and then expect them to pay their own way. Clearly we had different values and ways of thinking about hospitality. </p>
<p>To the OP, that idea has not reached my kids’ group of friends - and I hope that it does not!! To me, it shows a lack of hospitality. And frankly, it would break our budget.</p>
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<p>This behavior…especially if initiated by the parents would be unconscionable IMO. As with many other commenters, this is cheap tacky behavior. </p>
<p>In my extended family, this behavior would be a prime example of someone who was raised in a barn and uncultured. Then again, in my Chinese-American family, most of the older relatives would fight for the honor of paying the entire bill and I was rebuked once for trying to participate because I wasn’t only part of the younger generation, but also among the youngest in it.</p>
<p>Sounds like a con just to get presents. If you have to pay for yourself then it’s not a birthday party. It’s a dinner party.</p>
<p>My H would never ALLOW my son’s friends to pay, whether we asked them out or they had asked us out and they are in their 20’s. We did happily accept an invitation to eat at a student apt when my son was in college. We brought wine and dessert. this friend really wanted to reciprocate for the times we’d taken him out. Sweet guy!</p>
<p>In my daughter’s circle of friends the parents pay for birthday dinners.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine expecting her friends to pay their own way unless it was something planned by them. In that case, I imagine they might buy dinner for the “birthday girl” … but that’s not how it usually works here.</p>
<p>When D1 had her 18th birthday dinner in NYC, I called ahead of time and gave them my credit card. I also told them that they were all 18, no alcohol to be served.</p>
<p>I posted a while back that a colleague’s wife “invited” us to his 40th birthday party. She picked the restaurant and all. I was very annoyed when she split the bill at the end, AND had us pay for her husband. Do you think she could have paid for her own husband. Never went out with them again.</p>
<p>D invited her friends to dinner I believe for her 17th. I gave her my credit card and told her to treat her friends. I agree with the posters who have said that in many instances it is a “get together” for someones’s birthday. In this case, the non- birthday friends would be the ones doing the arranging, and everyone just pays for themselves and the friends would split the cost of the birthday person’s meal. But if I invite you out to celebrate my birthday, or the birthday of one of my kids, I would expect to pay for you.</p>
<p>We had a holiday meal at a restaurant. Same idea. We invited family and friends. Family would have helped out if we had it at home by bringing part of the meal and we split the cost of the restaurant meal - arranged in advance. The friends we invited as our guests we paid for their meal. Just as if I had invited them to my home I wouldn’t expect them to pay. Just as the family members who came paid for their guests they brought as well.</p>
<p>Rereading these posts reminded me of a time when my husband was a young boy and was invited for a day at an amusement park with a friend’s family. When they got to the gate the friend expected him to buy his own ticket into the park, which he did, but he had expected to be going as their guest. He spent every single penny he had on the ticket and had not one cent left over for any food the entire day. He was a hungry young man when he got home. I think a good lesson to learn when being invited someplace like this, before replying, is “how much are the tickets?” At that point the person who invited you will either say the ticket price or “don’t worry, you are coming as our guest”. That way you can be prepared.</p>
<p>We have always paid for our kids and their friends when we are out. Last Sat D1 invited out for brunch to celebrate her bonus, and she paid. I kind of thought that she was going to pay, so I did refrain from ordering the most expensive plate and limited my drinks. She kept on offering though.</p>
<p>If I invite a kid to something I am hosting or transporting, I pay. When the kids get together , they pay for their own. I think if the kids are expected to pay for their own food then that should be the present- the get together. When I go out for a friends BD I pay my own way. But I have a good job
Interesting, we got invited to a restaurant for my SIL son’s college graduation and her stepson as well. We gave cards with money, then also found we were expected to pay for our own dinner, for 4 of us. I would not do this, but to each their own.</p>
<p>In HS, DD wanted her <em>friends</em> to join her for lunch at a Chinese restaurant; no gifts expected and it was to be no host. At least one came w/o money and a number weren’t planning to tip the waitperson or pay tax, so DD ended up paying for herself and the equivalent of a number of other people. In my day, we would have at least chipped in for the birthday person and I can’t imagine stiffing the waitpeople. </p>
<p>In college, one of her friends arranged her birthday dinner at a $100/head restaurant. At least DD was alerted in advance so she declined the invitation. For her own birthday, her friends took her out to a restaurant and chipped in together for a gift.</p>
<p>It sounds like in the OP’s case it’s really more just a social gathering - hey let’s meet at Panera’s, etc. When my son goes out with his friends, they all pay for their own things. But to actually organize an event, bring presents, etc and expect the other kids to pay? That’s weird. </p>
<p>I would never let a child pay for something. We’ve brought kids friends on vacations and paid their entire trip as has been done for my d. </p>
<p>I can’t imagine an adult expecting money from a kid when out with their family.</p>
<p>I have a 14yo D with a large group of friends. It seems there are birthdays at least a couple times a month. And yes, she has been invited to a few of these restaurant dinner “parties”–expected to pay for her own meal. I don’t get it and I really don’t like it. I have spent more on gifts/social activities for this kid than for all her 4 older (not so social) sibs combined.
I wish I could say to these parents–“Look, I understand that you’re on a tight budget. It is OK. Just have cake at your house and let them play games. Don’t try to host a nice party and expect the guests to pay for it. That just irritates people.”</p>
<p>D has slumber parties at home–just get a few $5 hot-and-readies, a few bottles of soda, bags of snacks. Costs less than $30 for a dozen girls. If I invite my kid’s friend to an activity, I pay. If the parents insist on paying and I know they are well off, I might take the money, but usually I say no, the kid is my guest. </p>
<p>When I was about 15, I was driven home from an out-of-state workshop by a classmate’s parents. Their daughter was an acquaintance of mine, and I’d never met the parents before. I only had a bit of money to get fast food on the way home. Well, the parents stopped at a sit-down place. I had grilled cheese (ONLY thing on the menu in my budget) and water while they ate full meals. They never offered to help me out or asked me if I had money. (And they were better off than my parents.) I still remember them and their chubby daughter wolfing down big portions–they didn’t even offer skinny-little- me any fries. Separate checks at the same table! I should’ve been more direct when they pulled up to the place and said I couldn’t afford it, but I thought they’d either offer to pay or offer to lend me the money. The whole time I was thinking I could’ve gotten a burger/fries AND a drink for that much at McD’s. I was so hungry, so embarrassed-- and angry, too.</p>
<p>I agree that paying for dinner/lunch should be in lieu of a gift. (The pleasure of your company is gift enough) If the birthday girl prefers gifts, then she can have the get together at her house of just go for a cup of coffee. My D celebrated her birthday on a couple of occasions with friends at a restaurant. I paid. Usually, I just arranged payment over the phone.</p>
<p>whatitsays - whattheheck are you doing?</p>
<p>I invited 3 of my D’s closest friends to eat at a very pricey restaurant for her 18th birthday, and definitely I picked up the tab. I would not have DREAMED of asking them to pay anything! They were our guests! We don’t charge our guests!</p>
<p>Not the norm in my corner of the world. If invited to restaurant for BD celebration (talking HS here) the dinners were paid for by BD kid’s parents. Corresponding gifts were enough to cover the cost of dinner at least (at least on my part but nobody EVER asked for dinner to be paid for).
I don’t think I would have been mortified on your part, I think they were tacky to ask that dinner be paid for. If you can’t afford to treat your guests in that situation then no gifts (very acceptable) or a simpler celebration is in order.</p>