One of S1’s lifelong friends (I’m talking preschool thru college) got married more than six months ago. We had lived two doors down from the family for over 20 years and been friends with the parents. Since we retired/ moved away a few months prior to the wedding, it wasn’t feasible (due to distance) for us to attend the wedding. I ordered a gift from Amazon and had it sent to the bride’s home. Never received a thank you note.
I just got a thank-you in December for a May wedding I attended, I think that is too long. Let’s face it these 20 year olds spend a lot of time on Facebook and social media and they could write thank you notes instead, even if they just do a few at a time.
We’ve only attended one recently, for my nephew. The bride seemed lovely and sweet, and the ceremony and reception were nice and clearly well-planned. Given that we were coming from out of the country, we opted to give them a generous amount on a gift card inside a greeting card. DH did not wish to just leave the card on the gift table, so he handed it to the mother of the bride. We never got a thank you. A year later we received a very vague, oddly-worded card thanking us for sharing their special day. It seemed like the sort of card a bride might send when you think you must have been given a gift by the attendee, but aren’t completely certain that you were and have no idea what the gift was, if there was indeed one. So I contacted my sister-in-law (mother of the groom) to make sure the couple had received the money, since there was no mention of a gift in the thank you. She wrote back that yes, they had received it, but that card was just intended as a general thank you. Hmm. So I was left wondering if they lost it/mom kept it and don’t want to admit it, or if the bride just wanted to write the exact same note to everyone who attended to save herself trouble, and that is what she came up with.
I am a little reluctant to post my country of origin, as I want to be careful not to leave too much personal information about myself online. I will say that I had/have friends who were born in China and India, and I don’t think they were a thing for their families either, although I would have to double-check.
But to the other question - OF COURSE people thank each other where I was born, but it’s just not done in written form. In person and over the phone would be the most likely ways, but note-writing is not a thing.
I’ll be honest, I don’t ‘get’ thank-you notes. I would do them, so as not to offend people, since I learned on CC that people really feel strongly about them (I really need to be conscious of it though, because it’s not automatic to me, so sometimes it honestly just doesn’t cross my mind), but I guess not being raised with them, I don’t get them at all. I see them as kind of pointless. I am not sure why just an in-person, heartfelt “thank you” is not enough, or maybe a thank-you gift or lunch for something big. Why does it have to be on a piece of paper that will most likely just get thrown out? And for a wedding of 50, 100? It just seems like unnecessary burden - I wouldn’t want the bride and groom to deal with them on my account.
Again though, I wasn’t raised with them, so that’s just an outsider perspective.
With a wedding there isn’t usually an opportunity for an in person thank you. Gifts aren’t typically opened in the guests’ presence and are often sent before or shortly after the wedding.
As a former bride, in can say that writing notes was far easier than it would have been to keep track of who I had or had not thanked in person.
What about a phone call? Again, as someone not used to it, I am genuinely curious - why is a phone call considered worse than a note?
I think a phone call would be an acceptable alternative to a note. We are talking here about people who send a gift through the mail and there is no acknowledgement at all that the gift was ever received.
Exactly.
Well, I personally don’t like making phone calls,so… I don’t guess I’d mind receiving a phone call thank you. But a note seems more direct and convenient to me. If you call, does leaving a message “count”? You have to think about what’s a convenient time to call, etc. With a note, you have an unobtrusive way to thank people that’s easily shared–I can write a note thanking both members of a couple or a whole family and they all can read it. If I call, I’ll probably only talk to one, I may catch them at a bad time, I may get one of their teenaged kids who doesn’t relay a message, etc.
Gotcha. That makes sense. In my country of origin the mail is very, very unreliable, so I think most people don’t send stuff through the mail, if it can be avoided at all, so that may be part of it…
Thank you notes are definitely “a thing” in my family, as I had my kids writing them since they could hold a crayon.
They get it, as they both are good at acknowledging gifts on their own now that they’re on their own.
Of the two twenty-something weddings I went to in the last couple of years, from one I received a thank-you a year after the wedding from the groom. It seemed like one of those cases where they were divided up and the groom procrastinated. From the other, I received the thank-you in their Christmas card for a July wedding. I felt that was kind of an afterthought and was surprised since the parents of the bride are very thoughtful people. I was almost going to ask her if her Dd received the gift since I had no other way of knowing. For those who are thinking of waiting a few months to acknowledge your gift, please remember that the gift-givers really have no other way of knowing if their (usually expensive and thoughtfully chosen) gift ever got to the right doorstep.
My son and DIL were so prompt with their gift acknowledgments that even I was impressed and surprised ( They stayed with us that week, but I had no part in it.) DIL bought colorful paper and envelopes, they sat down at my kitchen table the week after the wedding and started writing together, dividing the list between them. They read each others notes and made comments. It took them several hours spread over a few days, but before they took off on their South American honeymoon, 180 notes were written, stamped and ready to go to the PO. Watching their teamwork, talking, laughing and making it a fun project made me feel very good about their future together. These two are a particularly organized duo, but they made it a priority. I also think writing them while still on the “high” of the fun time they had at the wedding and reception probably came through in their acknowledgements and made it much easier for them, too.
The idea that a note expressing thanks for a wedding gift is an “unnecessary burden” is something that I really don’t understand.
After the expense of traveling many miles, setting aside a weekend or longer to attend someone’s wedding ceremony- to say nothing of sending a gift that probably is a generous offering- the very least someone can expect is an acknowledgment that their gift arrived safe and sound, along with a few words of appreciation. We’re all busy, but we find time for things that matter to us.
I think it is poor manners not to send a thank you gift for any gift or consideration.
How about a TY post card? I thought the couple could have sprung a few more cents for the stamp considering the gift I sent. Maybe I’m out of it too.
My dil sent thank you notes to everyone. But we have received a postcard with the bride and groom holding a sign that says “Thanks for the gift!”
Went to three twenty-something weddings last year and in each instance, we received a thank-you note for our gifts in a timely fashion. Even received a cute photo Christmas card (a scene from the wedding) from one of the couples–I assumed they used their invitation list.
I think it’s rude not to acknowledge a gift. I have received “generic” thank you post cards for a wedding shower. That couple did write individualized thank you notes for their wedding gifts.
Two years ago I ordered Christmas gifts from Amazon to be sent to the families of three f my nieces. Two arrived without any indication of the giver, and one didn’t arrive at all. Just sayin’ 
Several decades ago I didn’t receive a wedding gift thank you note from a friend with excellent manners. After some time I enquired via a mutual friend. Sure enough, our gift had gotten detached from its card when we left it at her parents’ house, and they had no idea who it was from.
That’s why, now, when I send gifts, such as wedding or baby, I always ask for a signature and return receipt from the post office. I track the packages, too. I realize other things can go wrong, but this covers most of the snafus that people might claim.
Agreed, teri. I track packages and see when they fall off the radar. DS#1 has sent gifts to FDS#2 when he lived in an edgy area, and the gifts “got delivered” but sprouted legs. Only realized in a conversation many many months later that the holiday gifts were stolen.
DS#2 sent a package (for himself as he was working in that city for an extended period) to his GF which showed as “delivered to front desk” (there is no such person at the apt), and they discovered weeks later, after he’d already returned home, that the super in the building picked up the pkg and took it to his apt. Think he could have put a note on her door or mailbox to let her know? It was very important-- he decided to avoid doing laundry and pack lightly by having socks and underwear delivered to her place!! So much for that plan!
Two years ago, six Christmas presents I ordered for others wound up on the doorstep of a neighbor with the same street# as ours, but different, nearby street. I didn’t receive them until the neighbors returned from vacation, three weeks later. I had already bought replacements, as the post office assured me that they had been delivered.
Just this week, I found an Amazon Prime package at my doorstep belonging to the same neighbor. Again, most likely marked as delivered. Most stores do now offer some kind of tracking, which is a good thing, but not all do and it isn’t a perfect system.
But it’s not just about knowing if it arrived. It’s also knowing that the gift “registered” with the recipient. When I don’t receive any acknowledgement at all I feel like maybe the gift didn’t seem worthy of being acknowledged by them. We sent what we felt was a generous check to one of my nephews a couple of years ago for his second wedding. We received no thank-you or acknowledgement, yet they cashed the check. Was the amount too paltry in their minds? Or did they just receive so much that my gift was lost in the shuffle, put in the bank and forgotten? In any case, it didn’t matter enough to them ( translation: our feelings didn’t matter enough to them) to let me know they appreciated it.
Phoning guests you don’t know well (friends of parents etc) would be awkward. Writing thank you notes isn’t
difficult, I received a lot of gifts before the wedding, you just have to make yourself write them as the gifts came in and keep up with it. When all my close friends were having babies, we started a “no thank you note” custom, but my relatives and parents friends still got notes.