Is your kid miserable about where they are going to college?

Parent Cafe
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<p>I am interested to hear from parents with kids who are absolutely miserable about where they are going to college in the Fall… or parents who had kid who were miserable…</p>

<p>Please no critical comments about where our kids could or should have applied. I am a college parent virgin - this is my first college bound kid, and boy were she and I both naive in our expectations and application skills - didn’t find this website until way too late!! So here is where we are today: DD is headed to a decent State school, but is absolutely miserable about it. Still wait listed at her top pick school but anticipate the wait list will close any day now and she won’t be admitted. </p>

<p>I know, and have told her that she will probably be happy when she gets there, that she is lucky to have the college opportunity, that college/education is what you make of it, she can study abroad, transfer it she doesn’t like it, that her life path may be different from what she recognizes at the moment, and frankly, she has no idea what she wants to study, so maybe a State school is best…etc. etc. But I am not getting through to her. Also, telling her to suck it up is not the answer - she is generally the best at that.</p>

<p>She is soooooooo detached - won’t pick out college bedding, hasn’t looked at orientation info (we go Monday), hasn’t checked college email (I learned when they called and said her housing contract was over a month past due), won’t tell anyone where she is going…In the most unexpected situations, when someone mentions college, or more specifically the college to which she is headed, my gal who is usually completely balanced, logical, stoic and reasonable swells up tears that are so unexpected to me… </p>

<p>None of this is normal for her. She is usually highly driven - academically and athletically - she works hard and has high abilities; very logical, reasonable, EXTREMELY positive… has ALWAYS made great choices, is a serious student, not a partier, very confident, yada yada yada</p>

<p>My heart breaks for her, but my head says it will all be okay.</p>

<p>Share your experiences if you are or were similarly situated.</p>

2

<p>Any possibility of a gap year and a do-over on applications?</p>

3

<p>I suggested a gap year to her today… she has worked as a camp counselor this summer and despite its eye opening adversities has enjoyed it… so I asked if she wanted to take a year off, continue working in that area, and re-apply next year. Her response was “It’s a little too late for that” - is it too late?</p>

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<p>My daughter was not happy about where she ended up enrolling. I can’t say she was miserable, but it certainly wasn’t where she wanted to begin her college career. I had a similar talk with her about the merits of this school, and that she would probably end up enjoying it. She didn’t believe me.</p>

<p>But…she LOVES it! She later told us that on the second day she knew she was going to be okay.</p>

<p>This school truly ended up being the best place for her. Your D will be okay. I feel for you, though. The summer before freshman year was rough. Hang in there.</p>

5

<p>There is a chance she may feel more positive about it after she attends orientation. If she clicks with a few other admitted students, all of this “misery” may turn around. </p>

<p>Could her negative attitude be due to something other than her college choice? Could it be possible that she’s blaming all of her negative emotions on her college choice rather than admitting that she’s nervous about leaving and being in a college environment? </p>

<p>She really needs to attend orientation in the right frame of mind. She needs to be open to giving it a chance.</p>

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<p>@nysmile - Well, she has never been fond of big changes, so yes that may play a part… although if she were excited about her college, I think that would be less of an issue. Orientation is on Monday - I’ll do my best to pump her up for it. </p>

<p>@FlyToTheMoon - my DD is fairly rule oriented, so my best guess is that as much as she doesn’t want to - even if I offer her a gap year, she’ll attend for one semester… hopefully she’ll fall in “love” and if not, then I guess we could figure it out from there.</p>

<p>Truth be known, I am a little disappointed in missing out on what I thought would be a fun, joyous time of moving to the next step. Would have loved for this to be an exciting time for my DD and to have shared her joy.</p>

7

<p>Not every child is excited and happy about the thought of transitioning into a new and unfamiliar environment. Even those planning to attend their dream school experience some nervousness and fear. </p>

<p>Try to remember that this is her journey to make and it’s different for every freshman. She’s going to feed off of your emotions so try to take a back seat to this whole transition.
Be supportive emotionally, but give her the space to figure it all out on her own. It’s very common to be full of nerves and doubt the closer the reality of leaving home comes—even for those who are planning to attend their dream school.</p>

<p>Keep the rest of the summer light. Try not to make every conversation about college. Simply, focus on enjoying the rest of the summer with her. As the college move in date gets a bit closer, it may be fun for her to go college shopping with a friend so the two of them can get into the college spirit together. Sometimes, it’s just too much pressure to have their Moms hovering, prodding, suggesting, advising, and kind of obsessing over every little thing associated with prepping them for moving on to this new phase in their life. I’m not saying this is the case with you and your daughter, but I have seen this scenario play out in other families.</p>

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<p>Has she given any indication of why she is miserable about it? Presumably, she liked the school well enough to have applied to it in the first place, so what could have changed her mind about it that could possibly be addressed? (Being very undecided, it would not be due to lack or poor quality of intended major.)</p>

<p>It may not have to do with the specific school, but something else.</p>

9

<p>OP - I had the opposite experience. Sort of. My D was accepted into her first choice school (we are also first time college - no experience with apps, expectations, etc.) after being waitlisted. She was ECSTATIC! Ready to go 3000 miles away to serene meadows and open space from her So Cal vanilla existence. We shopped, flew across the country, moved her in to her 1892 built dorm (“LOOK at the character!”) and I came home, alone. Delighted that my D had “found her home for the next 4 years” (her words).</p>

<p>6 weeks later she was miserable, and filling out documents to transfer. Couldn’t get out fast enough. </p>

<p>Lucky for her I was supportive (a bit heartbroken, for her, but supportive). And lucky for her she was accepted at school #2 and things worked out.</p>

<p>Mostly I think kids this age have zero idea where they want to be, or what they want. </p>

<p>Here’s to yours coming through this as best as she can.</p>

10

<p>Well it’s not too late for a gap year, although it might require some tap dancing. There are many paths to college and education and they don’t all require dashing off after high school.</p>

<p>I assume you have not paid anything beyond a deposit yet, which you would probably lose if she chooses not to attend that school.</p>

<p>Encourage her to explore her options at this point. She might decide she wants to go to college now – she might decide to defer and reapply. Either way, the pressure is off to pack her bags and if she decides to go it’s HER decision.</p>

<p>Luckily she gets to try it out at orientation. I hope she’ll come home with a clearer direction for herself. </p>

<p>There are some very good people on this site that can give you some ideas on structuring a gap year and reapplying to college for 2013.</p>

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<p>I wonder if she will hold out some hope as long as the waitlist is open at her first choice school. She may be waiting for that door to close before she really allows the state school door to open. I would be the same way. My head and heart would be in two different places. I think rather than a gap year a year at the state school and reapplying to other schools for transfer if she’s not happy is the best plan.</p>

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<p>Your daughter is likely just very disappointed by “dashed hopes/expectations” and I’ll bet “all of her friends got into schools on their wishlist” and are very verbally excited just making her more miserable and feeling like no one to turn to for a sympathetic ear or who feels as she does with their results…it sounds like she worked hard and did well in school and expected “better”. This is the dark side of current college admissions process. Every year at our high school, there is at least one kid like this at the school. For me, maybe because I had to move alot as a kid, I always believed you end up in the right places to meet the people you need to meet for your life’s path. Maybe this philosophy would help her feel more positive going in.</p>

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<p>I have a niece whose mom could have written this story. I don’t mean to scare you since your daughter sounds very different, but my niece’s parents did send her off to college when niece was unhappy about the school. She stopped attending classes after a few weeks but didn’t tell her parents (this was before everything was online) and married some guy (!!) again without telling her parents. In the end they brought her home, got the marriage annulled and twenty years later she is fine. But her parents have always said they weren’t listening to her.</p>

<p>It is not to late to take a gap year, but a sit-down with her sounds necessary to hear what she wants. If she feels trapped, she may not understand what her options are so I would think that is where you could help her.</p>

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<p>Sometimes kids are afraid that there will be no one who is interesting or fun to be with or clever or funny (fill in the adjective) and as soon as they get through orientation, they perk up because they’ve met a few of their future classmates. Good luck. I hope she finds an extracurricular activity there that she likes; that will help her get off to a good start, too.</p>

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<p>Is the school in your state? Is anyone else from her h.s. attending the same school?</p>

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<p>I have a d who also really hates change. From first grade on, we’d dread the beginning of each school year as her adjustment to the change resulted in sleep issues and other forms of stress-related acting out. Last year, even though she was heading to the college of her choice, was rough. She made some mistakes, one of which was leaving campus as often as she could. It took until spring break for her to really connect and start to enjoy the experience. (bad roommate didn’t help). </p>

<p>Anyway, you can’t talk a kid who hates change into being excited about it. You just can’t. And she may not want to talk to you anyway. Seriously? Try some short term counseling. And definitely expect some talk of transfer early on. For us, knowing yet another school would just be another big change and more angst, we wouldn’t even consider a transfer at semester. Made her stick it out, pursue another roommate, etc. Have her give the place a chance.</p>

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<p>My S was deferred ED from his first choice (in retrospect poor choice actually) and his interviewer gave himTHE ALCHEMIST about the way circuitous paths were work out. He loved the book, and it really helped him. He was ultimately rejected, but his second choice turned out much better for him anyway.</p>

<p>I reach a lot of kids who return home diss appointed with their dream college.</p>

<p>My advice is to encourage her to find a course in the course list that excites her so the gap between dream school and state school closes a bit. And try the book.</p>

<p>I ended up at a state school instead the Ivies I was slated for twice. Long story. I got an excellent education, a dear mentor and life long friends.</p>

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<p>Doing a semester/year at her current school AND then trying to transfer would be a BAD idea unless you can pay all costs. Transfer students often get lousy aid pkgs and little/no merit.</p>

<p>If your D goes to Orientation and still doesn’t like it, then insist on a gap year and reapplying. If she insists on attending her current school, explain that transferring later will not likely be affordable (if that’s true).</p>

<p>NOT TOO late to do a gap year!!</p>

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<p>Ahhh…where to begin? I can totally sympathize. My DD is not at all being involved in or excited about moving to college. In her case it is not the school itself (we caved and let her enroll at her first, most expensive choice) but that she really just does not want to go to college at all. It does not help that she has been offered several jobs teaching dance and working in salons (she just got her Cosmetology license). Like a previous poster I was looking forward to this time of getting her ready to go but I find myself having to prod her to make any choices about bedding, clothing (she is a dance major), etc and am wondering if she should in fact stay home for a year. I think she would like to but knows in her head that her dancing will not really improve nor will she be closer to an actual career if she does stay.</p>

<p>As for your DD, I feel bad for her but I do know of a couple of kids over the years that have begrudgingly gone away to schools that they had no desire to go to just because they had no other choices and they ended up loving them. I hope your DD ends up loving her school as well and I hope you will keep us posted. Maybe Orientation will be the turning point that makes everything real and will get her more excited about the process.</p>

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<p>College is a smorgasboard of learning. You can sample deliciousness at any college. Go and find some interesting classes and learn something. It doesn’t matter so much where you go but that you go and learn and grow and bloom where you’re planted.</p>