<p>Mea culpa
Mea maxima culpa
etc.
etc.
When I asked about daughters friends asking her to accompany them on a vacation, I got a lot of helpful advice- unfortunately I also expressed a dislike or hesitation about the friendship which was then transmitted to the girls via what avenue I don’t know.
And then my D ripped me a new one :o
OWWW!</p>
<p>I did say in my post that my impression was from something that had been said and general impressions from meeting them one time.
However- I suppose I should also say, to whomever is transmitting this info- that I am not as good as I think at picking up cues - obviously.</p>
<p>I am on the aspergery spectrum ( as is D) and while I thought I was getting rather good at picking up things that are written- I botched the impression I had of her friend & her family, and I feel very badly- however- since I do not know exactly from where it came ( as CC was the only place where I had expressed these thoughts), it is difficult to start to make amends.</p>
<p>My D is already touchy- ( just as a general rule) around me anyway & I am not any good at baking- but I did ask if she would like to go camping with us- ( which- as I mentioned I was going to do * anyway* honey)</p>
<p>Do not make this mistake as me- whodathunk that there were so many people reading who don’t ever post!!!</p>
<p>Emerald, I don’t think any of us really understand just how many people read this stuff. I mean you put this up about 30 minutes ago late in the evening and about 17 people have read your post already (look in the far right hand column) verses just you and I - 2 people-have posted! I think for most of us our kids know we are on here and probably know our screen names and they probably talk to their friends about it sometime…you get the picture. I for one am very careful what I post about my kids, just for that reason, or even if they don’t read this enough people know who we are that perhaps private info could get out quick!</p>
<p>Sorry that happened to you EK. I think many of us post things before we really think them through for ourselves. I think of CC parent cafe as a sounding board of sorts. I know there are many things that I have posted that if I had stepped back for a day a thought it over I wouldn’t have said, that is the downside of having a board like this. In the end, to me it has been worth it. Do your mea culpa to your daughter and remind her of the valuable info you have learned here as well as well as the information you have shared to help others. She will forgive you…you are mom.</p>
<p>EK4,
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You see that perhaps you may have misjudged. Next time you will ask more questions, get more facts, have other things to help you form your opinion to make sure it’s closer to the mark. That’s what’s important. That, and talking to your daughter. Tell her you are sorry if your instincts were off base. Make NO apologies for being her parent and being concerned. Don’t get into a place where many parents find themselves, being chided by their young adults for their parenting. There is a delicate dance. Be sincere, as you obviously are, but leave it at that.
I wouldn’t loose too much sleep over how she got the information that you were not too keen on the relationship. One of two things could have happened. You left you account open, or she knows your username, and she followed your thread on cc. Perhaps she was a little upset (thus the ripping…) that what she felt were personal details were being discussed by a ‘gaggle’ of parents. Group parenting is upsetting to young people…not sure why? The other possibility being that you were not so subtle in your hesitation about this friend. Your daughter may have picked up on tone of voice, body language, even hesitation when speaking, regarding this friend. She may have picked up on something you were not aware you were sending.
Take care and be well. </p>
<p>Dear Daughter of EK4- Give your mom a break. We all try the best we can. She wants what’s best for you. That may not be what you want. That’s okay to disagree.</p>
<p>This D has always been difficult but very rewarding to parent.
I should have known better not to jump to conclusions, because D has pretty good judgement in other friends and instances.</p>
<p>Its possible this other young woman reminded me of someone else from my past & I did not have good judgement re friends-although from what I remember- I just said a little shallow which could be traced to immaturity so I am hardly going to take that back- </p>
<p>I reacted strongly to the lashing by D, because she started with this and then finished up with a condemnation with how materialistic & shallow * our family* is. ( I was coming from a school board meeting- where I am still involved with the local district)
This one really knows where my buttons are- as she is a lot like me ( sorry hon )</p>
<p>Since this was being hurled at me by a 20 yr old- who is constantly " borrowing" my stuff- it was a little hard to take-
It’s also very hot, this is the first summer she has been home for 12 years & she was gone all year at school- I guess I need reparenting lessons.</p>
<p>I am going to be more circumspect however about personal info and in making assumptions- I hope.</p>
<p>EK - I think your unfortunate experience is a good reminder for EVERYONE that CC is not really private. If you write enough - people in your community can figure out who you are. My older son figured out my identity and objected to some of my posts on his college’s forum - he did not want people at his college to be able to figure out that he was my son - so I have really tried to cut back in that area. I also recently had a very unpleasant situation at work after my boss figured out who I was and objected to a few of my posts. My policy now is to assume that anything I write is being read by my son and my boss - and to PM anything I want kept private. I really enjoy CC - both asking for advice and helping others - but my notion of hidden identity and anonymity has been discarded.</p>
<p>Ouch, EK, and Ouch Rockvillemom. In my first few months, actually preCC on the old PR board in about 2000 I recognised one of my DDs best friends. Only 100 kids in their class and out of all the world, I saw her best buddy. Both the info posted and the user name made it clear to me, only because I knew the family well enough to recognise unusual names.</p>
<p>That really made me realise how careful we have to be. I know I spent a couple of years on PR & CC not always IDing the accurate sex and unimportant details to avoid giving away my kids identities.</p>
<p>By the time D2 came along, her profile was a bit unusual and she really did not care if she was recognised, she appreciated the info I learned here. But, yeah, it is tough to comment on cafe things and realise that there are some very personal stories- the marriage thread, pregnancy threads, work threads, kids on drugs/alcohol/DUI, other life traumas, political threads and that when you post here you do it assuming some level of anonymity.</p>
<p>I don’t think you have anything to apologize for. You thoughtfully asked for advice in a way that was more private than if you had asked people who in real life knew the people in question.</p>
<p>Having reservations about someone isn’t a bad thing. Any thoughtful parent will carefully consider whom their kids will be with if their kids are going off on vacation with some other family.</p>
<p>It’s not as if you had forbidden your daughter from seeing those people. You admitted your reservations, and asked for advice, which indicated a desire to be as open minded as possible.</p>
<p>Frankly, I think that whomever is criticizing you should be apologizing to you. This includes you daughter.</p>
<p>I think I learned a good lesson- one that I had been trying to teach my kids- which from the likes of it- they have learned more than me!
:o
For example I can’t even find them on facebook </p>
<p>So, it got back to your daughter’s friends that you had reservations? Awkward. It really is a brave new world, the world of posting on the internet, isn’t it? </p>
<p>I try to be careful, but even so, I post too much, in the sense that if someone wants to find something not well thought out or offensive, they could, though it is not my intention to offend anyone. The things one says on the internet are recorded in writing and can therefore be scrutinized and made more of than the usual unrecorded things one says in day-to-day conversations. Molehills can become mountains so easily in this medium.</p>
<p>If you want to avoid something like this do this - tell your D what your CC moniker is. Knowing that she could get onto CC at anytime and see what you’re posting you’ll be careful to not post anything you wouldn’t be willing to state in front of your D. I’m always careful about what I post and don’t post anything I’d be concerned about my family seeing.</p>
<p>emerald—perhaps you should not continue to post about this issue as your d already let you know it was distressing to her to be discussed, just saying…</p>
<p>I feel that EK4’s D does deserve a sincere apology. My feeling is that discussing someone else’s personal business, including an adult child’s, in public and without their permission, is an overstepping of boundaries. As EK unfortunately discovered, there was enough information provided that someone was easily able to connect the dots. That means one of two things, either someone else outside the family figured out her identity, or her D did. In either case, it was an invasion of the D’s privacy. Not anonymous = potentially public. IMO boundaries were crossed, whether intentionally or not. </p>
<p>If it were me, I would apologize unconditionally and reassure her that it won’t happen again. If we want our own kids to take responsibility for their mistakes, I think that it’s important to show that even at our stage we parents are not afraid to admit to errors in judgment and doing what it takes to set things straight. </p>
<p>I think EK’s D has a right to be upset. Fortunately, I think that EK4 is well aware of this and is trying hard to make matters right, which is admirable.</p>
<p>My kids call you guys my “imaginary friends,” LOL. Also, they really couldn’t care less what I write here, or anywhere, for that matter.</p>
<p>I’ve been writing and publishing thier whole lives and they are simply relieved to NOT have to read something I’ve written and would never seek it out. Ever.</p>
<p>Which is a relief, actually. </p>
<p>good luck. I actually tend to be a fan of your posts, EK, and hope you will not be too worried about this stuff. Parents have reservations, expressed or not expressed, all the time. It’s not that big a deal.</p>
<p>I admit I do discuss enough of my kids topical issues enough so that somebody could probably figure out who we are- that is if they knew all of us- and * really, I mean well*!.
I hope that by discussing our background, families , especially parents of first gen college kids, can get a better perspective on this new world their kids are exploring.</p>
<p>I don’t really mention the board at home though( although I do tell my H quite often about the support I have gotten- which he is happy for- cause it takes some of the weight off of him)- my kids think I am strange enough as it is ( even though one of my D’s met her current paramour online- originally)</p>
<p>I admit- I am more interested in figuring out why someone else did something than why I did- I try and track my moods however- being bipolar- I kinda have to- but I have become a better person through being a parent( IMO) & being a parent to these two young women who set the bar very high.</p>
<p>I wish I was their * grandparent* they are both * so much more forgiving* of their grandparents ( including my late mother’s) " foibles", than they are my own.</p>
<p>And frankly of their dad’s- which at times irritates me to no end- cause I have gotten to be the bad guy more than I wanted- while he got to be the one that took a nod as confirmation that they were done with their homework/took out the trash/fed the dog.</p>
<p>"I feel that EK4’s D does deserve a sincere apology. My feeling is that discussing someone else’s personal business, including an adult child’s, in public and without their permission, is an overstepping of boundaries. As EK unfortunately discovered, there was enough information provided that someone was easily able to connect the dots. That means one of two things, either someone else outside the family figured out her identity, or her D did. "</p>
<p>Or EK’s daughter has seen EK’s name here on CC, which is easy if EK and her daughter have ever shared a computer.</p>
<p>One of my s’s registered on cc and posted to me several times (I did not know it was him) just to yank my chain. Worked too. The family knows my SN and imagine they could get on and read anytime. I am guessing thats what EK’s dau did.</p>
however- since I do not know exactly from where it came ( as CC was the only place where I had expressed these thoughts), it is difficult to start to make amends.</p>
The other possibility being that you were not so subtle in your hesitation about this friend. Your daughter may have picked up on tone of voice, body language, even hesitation when speaking, regarding this friend. She may have picked up on something you were not aware you were sending.
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