I've Upset an Old Friend and Need Help

Parent Cafe
1

<p>This is lengthy. I apologize…</p>

<p>I recently emailed an old friend who I’d not heard from in a long time. We worked together almost 30 years ago and were fairly close in those days. Her daughter was the little flower girl in my wedding. I left the state 25 years ago and have only sporadically communicated with her. We now live more than 1500 miles apart. Her husband died and I attended the service, but didn’t keep in touch with her as I should have. I know her life wasn’t easy as a single mom. She mentioned as much in her reply. There were emails that went unanswered. Anyway, just for fun, I thought I’d reconnect with her. </p>

<p>Well, she pretty much ‘unloaded’ on me because I’d not responded to previous emails and because my son hadn’t thanked her for his h.s. graduation gift. (No excuses for either accusation–son will be a college senior this fall–so these offenses are not recent) </p>

<p>Said she’d hoped we would stay in touch, but she’s ‘rethought’ her life and wants lifelong friends. Said because we have lots of history, she would’ve liked for me to have been one of those friends. She closes by saying that she knows this message will hurt me (she’s right! it’s very upsetting.) but she doesn’t keep many of her feelings inside anymore. “Life is too short.” As it turns out, the same daughter lives about 100 miles from me and is to be married herself in a few months.</p>

<p>I took some time to think about what to say to her and ultimately responded by saying that I was sorry for not being a better friend. Offered no excuses other than telling her I was notorious for deleting emails without even knowing what I’d done–I’ve gotten better. I congratulated her on the upcoming wedding and thanked her for her honesty.</p>

<p>I’ve not heard from her in the approximately 10 days since sending my reply. I’m wondering what to do now. I do feel badly about this and thought I’d check with this group as to what, if anything, I should do now. Sometimes, I think I should pick up the phone and call, but am afraid it would be extraordinarily awkward. </p>

<p>If the roles had been reversed, believe I would have just let sleeping dogs lie, reconnected with her and not worried about the past. She made other choices and I’m a bit confused as to how to proceed. I’d be content with keeping in touch for big “life” events, but that’s clearly not what she wants. Part of me thinks she’s being petty and I should just leave it alone. Thoughts?</p>

2

<p>From what you told us of her reply, my guess is that she was deeply hurt by your lack of communication with her at a time when she may have needed it most and she’s blowing off steam. Hopefully she’ll cool off and get back in touch with you. Until then, I suggest a nice card/gift for her daughter’s upcoming wedding and a card for the mom of the bride. You did what you could do … you apologized and didn’t make up any excuses for it which I respect and I believe she will, too, after she gives it some thought. It sounds like you have a lot of history together and I would be willing to bet she’ll come around. Good luck!</p>

3

<p>I’ll have to be honest. I know that I’m only hearing one side (your side) of the story. But according to this version, she is acting like one particular 5-letter word that should not be posted here. (It’s synonymous with a certain gender of canine.) Just take a deep breath, and move on. I mean, she would actually directly say to you that she only wants “lifelong friends” and not you? Come on. What a high-handed blatantly selfish and snobby way to communicate.</p>

4

<p>Your ACTIONS will speak much louder than your words now. Like SplashMom suggested, send something for the daughter’s wedding, even if it is just a card with a heartfelt message. Try to keep in touch with her by sending her a card on her birthday. Periodically send her a card and an e-mail letting her know you are thinking of her. Do this over a period of a couple of years. It may take this long or even longer to repair things, since the relationship didn’t get broken overnight. </p>

<p>Hopefully the old saying “Time heals all wounds” will be true in your situation.</p>

5

<p>I agree with above posters … do what’s right, and let things play out as they will.</p>

<p>Your OP strikes a chord, as our group of veterans recently lost a member over a comment that normally would have been considered a compliment. No one in the group can offer an explanation. Is all this part of getting older? IDK.</p>

6

<p>I agree with much of the advice you have received. Send a modest gift to the bride and groom (nothing too showy), send a warm note of congratulations to the mom (not something that requires a reply). Maybe a birthday card.</p>

<p>Then wait.</p>

<p>The rest is out of your hands. What has happened has happened.</p>

7

<p>I am inclined to agree that your friend’s reply was petty. The bit about only wanting lifelong friends was stretching it–selfish indeed. Sounds pretty high maintenance. </p>

<p>But, if you want to maintain a long-distance friendship, the above posters have the right idea–send a gift for the daughter’s wedding, keep in touch and let the chips fall where they may. A birthday card is another good idea. Hopefully she’ll come around.</p>

<p>Unfortunately, life can get in the way of long-distance relationships, as I suspect has happened in this case.</p>

8

<p>It sounds like she has been hurt by more people than just you…that whole “i only want lifelong friends” thing is too well-thought-out for it to be just you. she has decided to “load” that gun and use it on the next “negligent” friend that came along. </p>

<p>I would guess that she felt a slighted when her tragedy occurred that everyone else’s life went on. Drifting away and getting together on “big events” is normal and typical for a lot of us. We’re glad to have a large circle of friends, and you can’t be everyday friends with everyone.</p>

<p>But when you’re hurting, you want everyone to circle the wagons and surround you with love. Maybe only a couple of people did that for her. Those would now be her “lifelong” friends. She’s been nursing that hurt for awile, and you and your son didn’t really do much to change her opinion…</p>

<p>You have apologized, and that’s correct, but IMHO you need to decide what you are willing to give before you promise to reconnect with her…if you are not going to be that close friend she is looking for (right or wrong), it would be insincere to give that impression just so you can feel better about this. </p>

<p>If you are only willing to be a “big event” friend, do a better job of it (as said above…send a birthday card, friend her on facebook, send a wedding gift whether you’re invited or not) Hopefully, your consistency mends the fence. But it may not.</p>

<p>I am sorry…I know it hurts.</p>

9

<p>I’m going to offer a different POV here, as one who has been on the other side…that of your friend. My situation was not exactly the same (no dead spouse and we live closer geographically) but I had a very close friend who did something similar to me. I was (and still am) very hurt. I’m not overly-sensitive and have other close friends, but I really think my friend just didn’t “have it” to give. I can almost guarantee you, though, that your friend didn’t come up with the “I only want lifelong friends” speech off the cuff; she probably practiced it in her head a few times.</p>

<p>I would let it go. The damage is done and you can’t go back and change things.</p>

10

<p>Don’t we all have some regrets? Letters we could have written. Time we could have spent. Calls we could have made. We are all so busy as our lives go flying by that we don’t always conduct ourselves the way we would if we could do it again. But we can’t. We do the best we can at the time and sometimes it isn’t enough for those we love or who love us. It stinks. I agree with the posters above. I would send a gift and a note.</p>

11

<p>I am on the other side. You were the one that made the decision you were too busy for her few years back. YOU deleted her emails. YOU weren’t there for her when her hsuband passed away. Now for whatever reason you thought it would be nice to reconnect. Well, it’s not the right time for her now. Yes, she maybe mad at other people for not been there when she needed them, but she had every right to be upset with you. I don’t think it’s helpful to drag other people into it.</p>

<p>I think it’s a nice gesture for you to reach out, and you may not have realized that she was hurt by your action many years ago. But you can’t expect her to just forget about her hurt just because it is convenient for you to be her friend again. If you value her friendship and if you truly would like to make amend, I would send her daughter a nice wedding gift and expect nothing in return. At some point I would call on her birthday or on a special occassion. If after few attempts and she is still non-responsive then I would let it go. Sometimes some hurt just couldn’t be mended. But I think it is unfair to expect your friend to forgive and forget after one attempt.</p>

<p>You may want to consider that she thought you were a better friend than you wanted to be, and it is doubly hurtful when someone like that lets you down. I have looked back in my life, and I do have regrets. I do wish I have been a better friend to some people.</p>

12

<p>Like you, I recently contacted an old friend with whom I had lost touch. She had called me years ago, and I had not followed up with a call or card or anything. I was ready for the possibility that she would 1) not respond 2) respond negatively. Luckily, she was happy to hear from me and we have struck up a friendship again. But I was ready for anything. Sometimes it’s difficult to return to estranged friendships – and when we make those types of calls the other person may not be redy to resume the communication.</p>

13

<p>I agree with sending her daughter a card/gift, send your friend a card and then let it go.</p>

<p>I know that when we hurt someone, we want to be able to make it up to them & we want them to forgive us.
But even if they do forgive us, that doesn’t mean that things are going to be like we want it.</p>

<p>I think it is good that she is able to be clear & not simply delete * your emails*, I’m sorry that it isn’t the resolution that you hoped for- but she is right- life is short & you gotta put your energy where you get some in return.</p>

14

<p>This is all about timing. She needed you back then, but you were too busy and you didn’t know how important this was. Later, when you tried to reconnect, she told you “not now”. It seems to me she needs to know that you’re there for her, if she needs you. You have to slowly (but consistently) win back her trust if this friendship is going to work again. You know how she feels, but over time, she’ll be glad you didn’t give up. She’ll be (secretly) thrilled that you remembered her daughter’s wedding when you send her a gift. Just don’t let the time lapse too long between correspondences, or “assume” she’s just hanging around waiting to hear from you.</p>

15

<p>I’m in a similar situation with two friends recently myself. Both are single, never married, no kids, both were a part of my wedding. One lives very close (in NY), the other in Florida. </p>

<p>My NY friend contacted me and we spoke on the phone for a while but, truthfully, it was a fine chat but I don’t really have much to say. She actually got my machine or sent me a FB message (I forget which) saying that she thought her contacting me would get a better response from me and renew our friendship. I feel bad but I just don’t have it. I guess maybe once or twice a year for dinner would be fine, but she might want more. We’re just in two different worlds and I guess I just feel that I don’t have the space for her in mine. I feel bad but.</p>

<p>My other friend and I connected and got together last month when she was in NY for business. I stopped seeing her because she was jealous and somewhat hostile of my marriage and kids years ago. We lost touch because of her, even before she moved down to Fla. We had lunch and hung out together and it was great - as if nothing had changed. Then she told me she was recently diagnosed with MS. This woman was always very special to me, we’ve been friends since we were 11 and actually got closer after college, living in the city, etc. We have a history and I have missed her for years. Her parents were so happy when she told them we were getting together, that’s how close we were.</p>

<p>I’m trying to get past the hurt she gave me 16 years ago and it still bothers me. My take on “life’s too short” is that I miss her more than I still hurt from her resentment of my new life so many years ago. I’m thinking I might ask if she wants company for part of her trip to New Orleans that she’s going to take in the fall. It’s a little tough for me as I still have one daughter home and I’ll need my sister to stay with her (driving to and from school, etc.), but it might be worth it to travel together like we used to, especially while she still can.</p>

<p>I appreciate both your feelings and your friends feelings. I don’t think there is a right answer. You can slowly try to reunite, as has been suggested, but ultimately it is up to her. Good luck.</p>

16

<p>You are an acquaintance now and not a friend. You were not there for her when she needed more. She let you know that. I do not believe she is petty or being a b**ch. She was honest. You made the decisions you did. That was your choice and at the time you did not need her. But by ignoring her emails and her life, she wrote you out of hers.</p>

<p>Let it go, again. It is what it is and life is too short. She is not going to reply.</p>

<p>You can likely do some mending by sending a wedding gift and showing that you would like to be more than just an old acquaintance. See what happens.</p>

17

<p>

</p>

<p>Highly possible. My college roommate did something similar to me. Back in the day (before email) a group of 5 of us had a chain letter going. Each person wrote a letter; when you received the package you’d take out your old letter and add a new letter and send it to the next person on the list, etc. We kept it going for a number of years, although sometimes months would pass. After Son was born, it took me a very long time (close to a year) to send the letters on to her - I had a baby and was practicing law full time and it wasn’t a priority. Once she got the letter, she replied that she wanted friends who would be more responsive and wouldn’t be my friend anymore. I sent Christmas cards to her and to her mother for about 17 years after that, then finally stopped.</p>

<p>What the heck? A 15 year friendship over because I didn’t send the chain letter on promptly because I had a baby and was working and was busy? GOT to be more going on there…</p>

18

<p>I have been dumped by friends for much less.</p>

<p>I am amazed that folks are dissing the friend and applying five letter words to her. Her feelings may be extreme to some, but they are HER FEELINGS, which she is entitled to. She didn’t send them before she was contacted.</p>

<p>And yes, maybe she was saving them up, but so what?</p>

<p>She obviously isn’t as emotionally self-sufficient as the OP and lets people in more deeply, and thus, gets hurt more. Not better, not worse, just different.</p>

<p>If I were the OP I would think carefully about whether or not I wanted to be this woman’s friend. I wouldn’t casually buy a gift card. She expects a lot from a friend; if the OP doesn’t want to be that person, no more should be done. If she really wants the deep, intimate friendship her friend wants, there are many ways to show this to the friend. I don’t think an impersonal gift card is a good way.</p>

<p>If I wanted that relationship I would call and express that and ask if there were any details for the wedding I could help with.</p>

<p>My guess is the friend was/is overwhelmed with her role as a single mother and doesn’t want cosmetic friends who don’t help her live her life.</p>

<p>If she is this kind of friend in return, I see nothing wrong with this position.</p>

<p>BTW: Just in case it seems like I am like the friend, I’m not. I was recently contacted by a very close friend who ten years ago hung up on me on the phone because she didn’t like something I said (accused me of hanging up) and refused to ever talk to me again. Man, it hurt. But I have spent the ten years (spurred on by her) becoming emotionally self-sufficient so people’s actions don’t hurt me nearly as much.</p>

<p>She apologized copiously and said she was just crazy, but I said, “Hey, let’s just forget about it,” and took up with her as if it had never happened.</p>

<p>However, if I hadn’t been dedicated to ten years of working on myself, I never could have.</p>

<p>We’re all in different places with intimacy issues. </p>

<p>The OP is not a bad person; neither is the friend.</p>

19

<p>wow, OP. Lots of good advice, looking at it from all sides. Only you know what applies to this situation, but that is why I love this site. Godspeed in whatever you decide!</p>

20

<p>Yes–lots of good advice. Thanks to all. Collectively, you seem to have considered all the angles. </p>

<p>Think I’ll send her a card–I went to Hallmark looking for a specific MOB card but didn’t find one. I got a blank card and will write my own congratulations/best wishes for a wonderful wedding. I don’t see how sending a card can be misinterpreted.</p>

<p>I’d love to send a gift, if such a move isn’t considered inappropriate. The couple is registered, so I could send a gift online which would be easier for them as I only have her mom’s address, not the bride’s—they live in separate states…Is that too impersonal? Should I be concerned about that? I’ve not received an invite to the wedding… I don’t want it to appear that I’m trying to ‘buy’ forgiveness…</p>

<p>Seems I’m doubting myself at every turn. Thanks for helping me!</p>