<p>You can’t get the bride’s address off the registry? I would think sending the gift to the faraway mom looks like brown-nosing.</p>
<p>BTW, I agree w/oldfort.</p>
<p>And I had a very close friend who tried to end our relationship because it was getting emotionally risky for her. I fought for that friendship, and, through tears, she thanked me.</p>
<p>If I order the gift online, won’t BBB or C&B deliver it? Don’t believe the address is posted on the store website.</p>
<p>I think the friendship is over. I hurt a close friend a number of years back by intervening in something. I still think I did the right thing, but she did not. I have apologized and tried to make contact many times, but the fact is that she simply is not interested in a friendship with me because in her mind I betrayed her. I have had to accept that. She does not HAVE to forgive me or have me as a friend. I took a chance and the result is that I lost the friendship. That’s all.</p>
<p>I think I misread; I thought you were saying you were going to send it to the mom instead of the couple. Yes, I would hope the stores could do that.</p>
<p>Those online registries make it really easy to send something. They do not give you the address, they just send it to the couple’s address.</p>
<p>I’m wondering if sending a gift is going to seem phony, like you’re trying to simply assuage your guilt. …Just throwing this concern into the mix as I’m not sure I’d send a gift.
This situation may well have been avoided if the friend had picked up the phone instead of depending on technology to communicate. I hate that we’ve become so dependent on technology. Not to be insensitive, but we are talking about grown-ups, not kids. I don’t think the friendship survives.</p>
<p>^It doesn’t matter if it seems phony. If you want to send the gift, send the gift. If you don’t don’t. It’s really that simple.</p>
<p>That said, I think the ball is in your friend’s court. If you want to send her the occasional card that’s fine, but I wouldn’t push it beyond that.</p>
<p>I havent read all of the replies. But will offer this perspective (and its not a judgement) from my experience. When you lose a spouse, you are so sensitive. You stay raw, wounded and sensitive. You even get really angry… sometimes those emotions are appropriately directed and sometimes those overwhelming feelings get projected onto a convenient target. Perhaps your friend is upset over the loss of connection with you or perhaps shes upset over life circumstances and you are the convenient target for the feelings…</p>
<p>I spend most of my emotional energy on my family. I have never had much left to give to friends. So, even though I need and enjoy female friends, I never let them them get too-too close because I know I can never be the kind of friend who will be there every day for every little emotional crisis. I find it is the little day-to-day things that are the most draining, not the big stuff (like weddings).</p>
<p>I even keep my in-laws at arm’s length. Although I participate in Christmas and other family functions enthusiastically, I shy away from their desire for day-to-day communications. Sometimes I feel kind of guilty about this, but there it is.</p>
<p>Better to know your limits and be honest with yourself.</p>
<p>I’ve been contemplating this relationship. Don’t we have different ‘levels’ of friends–friends to whom we feel closer and those with whom we have less connection? This friend who says she wants only lifelong friends must be very needy. Guess she doesn’t want friends who occasionally check in to see how things are going, although she didn’t really say so. Seems selfish to expect all your friends to make contact frequently. I have friends I rarely talk with, but do enjoy catching up with news about their family, kids, etc every year or so… I enjoy the friends I hear from only rarely…Not a fan of this “all or nothing” concept of friendship.</p>
<p>I hope the OP keeps us posted on how things turn out…</p>
<p>I never get upset at friends who do not call because the phone rings both ways.</p>
<p>Ahh, sorry. I for one would be thrilled if any of my old friends that I haven’t heard from in years tried to re-establish contact.</p>
<p>You know, my husband passed away and two people in my life responded so remotely (a girl who had been my maid of honor, a childhood friend AND my sister) that I haven’t bothered to re connect with them. They disappointed me beyond all belief. Neither one has attempted to reach out (and H died four yrs ago!), but if they did, I would not hesitate to tell them how profoundly disappointed I was in their lack of decency when my H died. I did not expect hand holding – they do not live near – but sheesh!</p>
<p>Anyway, you might just be part of the fallout from a hard time. Send a wedding gift and see what happens, but I wouldn’t hold my breath. </p>
<p>Sorry!</p>
<p>Many of my friends vanished when my husband was seriously ill with lymphoma. Many of his friends vanished as well. He recovered. My feelings about those people haven’t changed much… I believe the expression “fair-weather friend” applies.</p>
<p>A few people were incredibly supportive. I’ll walk through coals for them.</p>
<p>The flip side of all that, though, is that I recently got in touch with a friend from elementary school whom I hadn’t seen in more than 25 years. We had a great conversation–but we’d just drifted apart and are now finding our interests are aligning again.</p>
<p>I think if you want to be her friend, she’s made her expectations clear. You should send a card, and a present and keep trying to contact her, gently. If you don’t want to meet her expectations, but only to make some amends and move on, send the present, and a card saying you are so sorry but that you care for her daughter and wanted to make amends. Then move on.</p>
<p>I completely agree with mythmom, post #18.</p>
<p>I’m not going to get into my personal story, but I can really relate to the friend. Especially when she said that life is too short, she wants lifelong friends, and that she doesn’t keep many of her feelings inside any more. I’ve known several people in my life time who have come to that point and said those exact same things – via the death of a spouse, a child, or life-threatening cancer. Those are not uncommon conclusions for people who find themselves with a big scare, more pressure than they think they can handle, and feeling all alone and more vulnerable than they ever imagined they would be.</p>
<p>I do not think the friend was being petty or a b*tch. I think she was being honest with herself and honest with the OP. She clearly stated what she decided she wants and needs. She didn’t demand that the OP provide anything for her. She has the right to choose the people she wants in her life, just like the rest of us, and she made the choice. It was understandably hurtful to the OP, who was just trying to rekindle an old friendship – I’d be hurt in her shoes, too, but it doesn’t make the friend a bad person.</p>
<p>The fact that she may have thought out her responses ahead of time convinces me that she did some soul-searching and spent time formulating a thoughtful, least-hurtful-as-possible, way to express what it is she wants out of life, for all people concerned, not just the OP. Better to say what you want than to “act out” and demand something from others that they’re incapable of giving.</p>
<p>To me, people who can’t understand a person in the friend’s shoes drawing the conclusions she’s drawn, just haven’t been down the same very lonely, very isolated, very scary road that she’s been down. “Life is too short,” is a VERY common refrain for people who have been there.</p>
<p>The friend handled herself and the OP with dignity and grace, imo. Her message may not have been ideal for the OP, but it was a sincere, heartfelt, genuine message from a friend who tried to deliver her difficult message as kindly as possible.</p>
<p>And finally, I LOVE what mythmom had to say about what to do next …
“If I were the OP I would think carefully about whether or not I wanted to be this woman’s friend. I wouldn’t casually buy a gift card. She expects a lot from a friend; if the OP doesn’t want to be that person, no more should be done. If she really wants the deep, intimate friendship her friend wants, there are many ways to show this to the friend. I don’t think an impersonal gift card is a good way.”
And finally, the best, truest words of all – “The OP is not a bad person; neither is the friend.” </p>
<p>We’re all just trying to find our way, amidst all our various trials and tribulations. Hugs …</p>
<p>I think a lovely gift for the mom, your old friend, would be a framed picture of her daughter as the flower girl in your wedding. Her daughter’s wedding is a momentous time in her life, and she must be missing her husband greatly as they prepare for it.</p>
<p>And to add to all the others…if you sincerely want a chance to repair this relationship…a very sincere and honest apology straight from the heart would go a long way. You may have already done that with your first response, but believe me, if an old and dear friend reacted that way when I tried to reconnect, they would get an apology from me that would bring them to tears.</p>
<p>I agree with mythmom and SimpleLife, #18 and #36.</p>
<p>I don’t think that a wedding present for the D is going to strike a chord. I just don’t see that as meaningful gesture in view of what the friend is looking for in a friend. Rather, it strikes me as rather the opposite: doing something that won’t take long and requires little thought. However, I think that TiredofSnow’s idea, #37, with a heartfelt note, would be lovely and could be moving.</p>
<p>I disagree about the daughter’s wedding gift. I see it as an opportunity to reconnect with her flower girl.
Send a gift with a note about how it seems like yesterday that she was a sweet little flower girl and wish her the same fond memories of her own wedding day.
The mother is a different relationship and the OP has had much advice there, but a sincere gesture toward the daughter may be the icing on the cake.</p>