<p>I’d be happy with free brownies :)</p>
<p>I’d be happy with free brownies, too. I love brownies. Forget lattes. Coffee is gross. 
And chocolate fountains just get little grubby kid fingers in them. </p>
<p>I totally understand the principle, but I think some brides do get put in a difficult place. While cash bar is not the right thing to do a la most etiquette guidelines, it may be the right thing to do for certain people given their family circumstances and expectations. It makes me think of this 1872 Samuel Wells quote re: etiquette - </p>
<p>“You must conform, to such an extent as not to annoy and give offense, to the customs, whether in dress or other matters, of the circle in which you move. This conformity is an implied condition in the social compact. It is a practical recognition of the right of others, and shows merely a proper regard for their opinions and feelings. If you can not sing in tune with the rest, or on the same key, remain silent. You may be right and the others wrong but that does not alter the case. Convince them, if you can, and bring them to your pitch, but never mar even a low accord.”</p>
<p>It may be the lesser of two evils if the family members are really all that obnoxious about not having alcohol on the premises, granted. I guess I prefer Miss Manners over Samuel Wells on this one, though!</p>
<p>If family members can’t have a good time without alcohol, if that’s what the bride and groom wish, maybe it is time for a sit-down family discussion.</p>
<p>“Maybe it’s time to remind people of the FLASK. If you can’t make it thru a social situation without getting boozed up, then carry your own stuff with you”</p>
<p>Our facility prohibits alcohol - period. We don;t care who brings it. Guns, too (even those carried by policepeople.)</p>
<p>I think a lot of this is cultural and/or regional. So while some would recoil in horror at a cash bar, it wouldn’t be a shock in other areas. They were not uncommon where I grew up in middle class New England, with a heavy Polish population. As well, the “dollar dance” was also common-you dance with the bride or groom and give them cash as you do so. It’s supposed to help them start a nest egg. I recall only one open bar at any wedding I attended, and it was about as upscale as it got. The rest offered either a cash bar or a timed open bar, followed by a cash bar for the rest of the night.</p>
<p>Somewhere upthread, someone mentioned it would be like making people bring their own food. Well. In my H’s large extended family, and his friend group here in Seattle, that’s exactly how parties go. I brought the cake for a 2nd wedding last summer where the hosts provided the main dish and everyone else brought sides, snacks or desserts. Alcohol was optional-you brought your own. But it was one of the most joyous receptions I’ve ever been to. These people loved and lost long ago and reunited. Everyone from the toddlers to the elders had a great time and I was happy to have been a part of it. I sure didn’t hear anyone complain that they’d had to bring a dish. It’s just so common here.</p>
<p>I recently attended a large birthday party for a very popular man in a very upscale neighborhood. Again, the main dish was provided, but everyone brought some kind of dish and wine or beer. It was standing room only, so I guess no one minded.</p>
<p>^^all I can think is, if they are that obnoxious about the alcohol, imagine how obnoxious they must be WITH alcohol :)</p>
<p>Free brownies. I’m in.</p>
<p>I am not a big brownie fan, but when I do make them I add coffee.
( I just made no bake cookies last night and to the chocolate/peanut butter/ oatmeal, I added milk & coffee and chipotle powder. ( & canna butter since they are for medicine)</p>
<p>Chocolate fountains are fun, but the last party I attended with one, had little children.
Chocolate is also very slippery when melted.</p>
<p>I dont think much of that Samuel Wells quote, I would rather people have a good time than conform.
Not sing just because you dont have a great voice?
That would be a pity.
I dont mind people who stick out and it is presumptuous to assume that would be offensive.</p>
<p>What’s in the brownies? ;)</p>
<p>I always subscribe to what Miss Manners says. And at my D’s wedding, we will pay for an open bar. (I’d do just wine and beer if it were cheaper, but the price is the same for a full bar.)</p>
<p>But reading these posts, has made me think. So now I’m wondering–if the only thing that could be afforded is tea and soft drinks, why would it be bad to let people have the option of having a drink if they want to pay for it? I get that it’s considered ill-mannered, but for the life of me, I can’t figure out why. Anyone who does take up the opportunity would obviously rather have the choice available than not have it, and anyone who doesn’t take the opportunity isn’t affected. So, manners being, overall, a matter of making others comfortable, I’m having trouble seeing why offering a means for something that some people might enjoy is worse than not.</p>
<p>Again, this is not something I’ve done or considered, just ideas that I"d never thought about till reading this thread.</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>That’s pretty much about how I feel about the issue. I think the reality is that people throw around niceties about throwing the party you can afford (not necessarily here, where I think the sentiment IS genuine), but then really want you to afford the party they want. The thought process is that if they’re going to pay for travel, a gift, and a hotel, how dare you not make up for the inconvenience with booze and a sit down dinner? At least that’s the feeling I get from certain people. I’ve definitely seen it tossed around on the bridal forums the idea that if you have any guests traveling, it is rude not to provide a full dinner (even if you can’t afford one).</p>
<p>Garland - As someone who rarely drinks, I do agree that I probably wouldn’t even notice a cash bar one way or the other. I wouldn’t sit there thinking “oh, how tacky”; I just would be hard-pressed to do it myself if I were hosting an event.</p>
<p>But go back to my chocolate-fountain-and-latte-station example. Would you think it tacky if I offered dessert to all, but if you wanted chocolate-fountain or latte you had to pony up extra money? It’s exactly the same thing. </p>
<p>It’s never rude to live / entertain within your means. Expectations of bridezilla-style weddings be damned, IMO.</p>
<p>roshke, thanks for the etiquette lesson. I am very familiar with how registries work, and their history.</p>
<p>The events I am talking about are weddings of people I hardly know or bar/bat mitzvahs of kids my kids hardly know. In the case of the former, people expect a gift even if one is not attending the wedding. In the case of the latter, my kids didn’t want to create any social awkwardness by either a) not going or b) contributing with a gift. So the result is the same.</p>
<p>" So, manners being, overall, a matter of making others comfortable, I’m having trouble seeing why offering a means for something that some people might enjoy is worse than not."</p>
<p>It’s not good manners to trigger someone else’s alcoholism or substance abuse problem, when I don’t need to.</p>
<p>We have been fortunate and been spared invitations from folks we barely or don’t know. If we do get invited by folks we don’t know well (or if we’re unavailable), we are perfectly comfortable sending a nice card, with or without a small check. Has not been a problem for us, but YMMV.</p>
<p>I would opt NOT to attend a Jack & Jill party but fortunately no one in my social circle has thrown one. It seems extremely tacky to be basically asking for handouts to throw a party beyond one’s means to me.</p>
<p>PG, I wouldn’t either. This was more of a thought experiment. I don’t think that the chocolate fountain is a perfect analogy. They may be a recent fad, but they’re certainly not an ingrained expectation for a social event. I’ve been to scores of social events with alcohol served (probably hundreds if one counts dinner at friends’ or my homes) but I’ve seen, I think, one chocolate fountain. It’s an odd fringe, not part of ingrained social custom.</p>
<p>Mini–that is a possibility. It would be the same possibility whether it was a cash bar or not; actually, arguably an open bar would be much more likely since it allows for less limits on the drinker.</p>
<p>Alcohol is the norm in my family, and we take care of each other in many ways, but I, for myself, don’t think that not offering the possibility of over-indulgence in alcohol is what I am called to do for others, any more than I’d think that not offering dessert is called for, though many people are diabetic.</p>
<p>I understand seeing it your way, though, and would honor a host’s wishes to limit those possibilities.</p>
<p>Again, in some parts of the country alcohol is not always served at social events. If I were invited to a dry wedding and felt I wanted a drink to take the edge off, I would bring a bottle of wine and have a glass in my hotel room beforehand. People can survive without drinking–ask any woman who has given up alcohol during a pregnancy. Or any recovering alcoholic. I’d be insulted if people turned down an invitation to my wedding because the libations weren’t to their liking.</p>
<p>Sally–I didn’t say it is always served. I said it was much more common than chocolate fountains.</p>
<p>I find this conversation very interesting from a thinking-about point of view, but I do wish people could comment without being accused of being unable to survive without a drink.</p>
<p>Sheesh.</p>
<p>I wasn’t referring specifically to you, garland. As for the idea of not being able to survive without a drink, I was referring to a poster who said she would decline an invitation to a wedding that wouldn’t have alcohol.</p>
<p>I have attended many events with a cash bar, where guests are to pay for their own drinks, if they want one. I have never found that offensive. Have also been to events where every guest got one or two drink coupons they could redeem and additional drinks were cash bar. </p>
<p>To me, this is different from parties where guests are expected to pony up the total cost of the event, including food/meal, as drinks can really range in price and greatly drive up any tab. </p>
<p>I don’t drink; if I get drink coupons, I tend to offer them to others around me, as H only generally wants 1/2 of a drink or so.</p>
<p>Garland - fair enough that the fountain analogy may have been imperfect. Here’s another one. Serving coffee after dinner is a societal expectation, though of course not everyone partakes in it or desires to have coffee. Would you be comfortable hosting an event in which there was a “cash bar” for having coffee? Why or why not? After all, those who don’t want coffee don’t have to buy, and presumably some of the coffee-buyers enjoy the experience of after-dinner coffee (else they wouldn’t pony up the money for it).</p>