I met my girlfriend approximately three and a half months ago and we have had a wonderful relationship. I love her and I really think we could have a future together. However, something had been really bothering and depressing me lately. My girlfriend’s the type that really excelled in school in a traditional sense: she was always at the top of the class, started the recycling program at my school, held positions in various clubs, the whole nine yards. Thus, when applying to colleges, she got into Stanford and is going to attend it next fall. I was always pretty good in school, hovering around the top 10% of the class and having a good amount of community service and extra-curriculars, but never getting as crazy as she did.
Now, onto the problem. I firmly believe that she deserves to go to Stanford; she belongs there. But, that’s the problem. Because she and I are so alike intellectually with, seemingly, only our work ethics differing, I feel like, in a way, I deserve to go to a school that values that type of character trait. I know, of course, that this jealously is illogical (most jealously is), but is this feeling common in young adult relationships? Is there something I can do to overcome it and be happier around her? Before most of the college stuff was solidified, I felt much better around her but I now I seem to have triggers that will just set me off to where I will start thinking of my situation compared to hers, whether I will be successful, etc. and it’s annoying, depressing, and starting to become somewhat taxing on our realtionship. She knows how I feel about this already and she’s tried to help me and is understanding, but it’s hard when she’s the source of my problems. It’s a problem that is completely internal.
I’m logical enough not to break up with her over this because, like I said before, I love her and we make a good team. However, I don’t think I can live with this for much longer. Perhaps it will subside when I eventually have to see her less and I am planning on working extremely hard in college to match what she has accomplished in my own way.
So, if you have been in a similar sitaution, any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.
I presume you got into a pretty good school, yes? Once that begins, you are right, things will get easier. This all sounds normal…you’re not weird or terrible! But some tough love advice: time to look in the mirror and own your own BS. You are a young adult now. Own your own failings as well as your own successes!
In the meantime, look at this way: I’m as smart as Warren Buffet. But he worked very hard and had some good luck to get what he has. Both are very important. In fact hard work is MORE important than intelligence most of the time. and it sounds like she has worked much harder, by your own admission. So be super careful not to make her feel like she has to “hide” her light when she around you, ok? That would be wrong and bad for both of you. And remember, she is not the “source of your problems”, you are. She is just the mirror looking back at you:).
I was a slacker too as a kid. It is what it is. Channel the negative feelings (envy, disappontment) back at yourself when you start slacking! PS: I did pretty well for myself as a smart slacker. I’m not “changing the world”, but I’m happy and successful. I recall I was a Valedictorian, and the other Val worked really hard. I felt terrible bc I did so little, but our grades were the same…acknowledge that hard work will usually trump intelligence in the end. He is out there changing the world now!
Lastly, you may want to take a break when you go to school. There will be enough pressure on both of you without distance, worry, insecurity of a long distance relationship…
Chapman University. I suppose in the grand scheme of colleges that’s “pretty good.” Yeah, I’ve been constantly thinking of that, “hiding her light.” I try not to act that way and even she has insecurities about her position which I have tried to help with. But, she understands where I’m coming from and I understand her, so I think we’re making it work.
And, yes, I plan to work extremely hard in college so that either I can transfer or go to grad school at a more elite institution. I feel like this experience has been positive in that regard because she has made me strive for higher standards. I should rephrase that as “the trigger of my problems” because, yes, I agree, it’s all internal.
And about taking a break, I’m going to see what happens. Like I said before, I love her and I really see a future together with her. So, I’m going to try to make it work to the best of my ability. But, if it’s not meant to be, then it’s not meant to be.
Anyway, I’m glad I’m not weird or terrible. Thank you for your comments and advice.