Jokes & More Jokes Galore!!!

Colleges & Universities Yale University
61

<p>A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes, the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, “Say, father, what causes arthritis?” </p>

<p>“Mister, it’s caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man.” </p>

<p>“Well I’ll be.” the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. </p>

<p>The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long did you have arthritis?” </p>

<p>“I don’t have it father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”</p>

62

<p>Here’s a good one:</p>

<p>The Most Gruesome Death
There was a long, long line of spirits at the gate waiting to get into heaven. Not all these spirits could fit into heaven, so the ones who died the worst death would be allowed in. The first man in line started telling his story, ‘‘Well, Peter, you see, I knew that my wife was cheating on me so I decided to come home early from work one day to catch them in action. I got home and searched all over but I couldn’t find him. Then when I walked out onto the balcony, there he was dangling off the darn thing by his fingertips. So I ran and got a hammer then started beating him with it and he fell. Well, the fall didn’t kill him, because he landed in a bush so I picked up the refrigerator and threw it on him. Although that killed him, the strain gave me a heart attack, and here I am.’’ The next man came up and started his story. ‘‘St. Peter, I always work out on my balcony on the 14th floor of my apartment building. I was on my bike one day and I fell off when it flipped. I sailed over the rail and I thought ‘Please God spare my life’ and he did. I caught on to a balcony below me. I was even happier when a man discovered me hanging there. But all of a sudden he started beating my hands with a hammer so I fell again. But the dear Lord saved me again when I landed in a bush. But I’m here now because the guy threw his refrigerator on top of me.’’ It was now the third guy’s turn to start his story. ‘‘Well, Peter, just picture this. I’m hiding butt naked in this married chick’s refrigerator…’’'</p>

63

<p>Slippery Doorknob </p>

<p>A market researcher called at a house and his knock was answered by a young woman with three small children running around her.
He asked her if she minded replying to his questions and when she agreed, he asked her if she knew his company, Cheeseborough-Ponds. When she said no, he mentioned that among their many products was Vaseline and she certainly knew of that product. When asked if she used it, she answered, ‘‘Yes, we use it when we have sexual intercourse.’’
The interviewer was amazed. He said, ‘‘I always ask that question because everyone uses our product and they always say they use it for the child’s bicycle chain, or the gate hinge or some other purpose. But I know that most people really use it for sexual intercourse, they just don’t like to say so. Since you’ve been so frank, could you tell me exactly how you use it?’’ </p>

<p>‘‘We put it on the doorknob to keep the kids out.’’</p>

64

<p>Just raising the post…lol</p>

65

<p>bump…</p>

66

<p>After a Harvard grad dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on
tour. He shows the man a little two-room house with a faded Harvard banner
hanging from the front porch. "This is your house, sir.</p>

<p>Most people don’t get their own houses up here," God says.</p>

<p>The Harvard grad looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one
sitting on top of the hill. It’s a huge multi-level mansion with white
marble columns and little patios under all the windows. A series of gazebos
surround a placid, crystal lake. Yale flags line both sides of the sidewalk
and a huge Yale banner hangs between the marble columns.</p>

<p>“Thanks for the house, God. But let me ask you a question. I get this
little two-room house with a faded banner, and an arrogant,obnoxious Yale
grad gets a mansion with new Yale banners and flags flying all over the
place. Why is that?”</p>

<p>God looks at him seriously for a moment. After letting the Harvard grad
endure an uncomfortable silence, God replies:</p>

<p>“I beg your pardon. That’s not just any Yale grad’s house, That’s mine!”</p>

67

<p>State Mottos
Alabama: Hell Yes, We Have Electricity
Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can’t Be Wrong!
Arizona: But It’s A Dry Heat
Arkansas: Literacy Ain’t Everything
California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda
Colorado: If You Don’t Ski, Don’t Bother
Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedy’s Don’t Own It yet
Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water
Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia: We Put The “Fun” In Fundamentalist Extremism
Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha’ami Leeki Toru
(Death To Mainland Scum, Leave Your Money)</p>

<p>Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes…Well, Okay, We’re Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good</p>

<p>Illinois: Please Don’t Pronounce the “S”</p>

<p>Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free</p>

<p>Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn</p>

<p>Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States</p>

<p>Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names</p>

<p>Louisiana: We’re Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That’s Our Tourism Campaign</p>

<p>Maine: We’re Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster</p>

<p>Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It</p>

<p>Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden’s (For Most Tax Brackets)</p>

<p>Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians</p>

<p>Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes…And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes</p>

<p>Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State</p>

<p>Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work</p>

<p>Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber,Right-wing Crazies, and Very Little Else</p>

<p>Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest</p>

<p>Nevada: Hookers and Poker!</p>

<p>New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone</p>

<p>New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right here! </p>

<p>New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets</p>

<p>New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An Attorney…</p>

<p>North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable</p>

<p>North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!</p>

<p>Ohio: At Least We’re Not Michigan </p>

<p>Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing</p>

<p>Oregon: Spotted Owl…It’s What’s For Dinner</p>

<p>Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal</p>

<p>Rhode Island: We’re Not REALLY An Island</p>

<p>South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn’t Actually Surrender</p>

<p>South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota</p>

<p>Tennessee: The Educashun State</p>

<p>Texas: S</p>