Jokes & More Jokes Galore!!!

Colleges & Universities Yale University
41

<p>Came across this years ago…still really like it
THE GREAT DEBATE
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had
to leave Italy. There was, of course, a huge outcry from the
Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a
religious debate with a leader of the Jewish community. If the
Jewish leader won the debate, the Jews would be permitted to
stay in Italy. If the Pope won, the Jews would have to leave.</p>

<p>The Jewish community met and picked an aged Rabbi, Moishe, to
represent them in the debate. Rabbi Moishe, however, could not
speak Latin and the Pope could not speak Yiddish. So it was
decided that this would be a “silent” debate.</p>

<p>On the day of the great debate, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat
opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his
hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back and
raised one finger.</p>

<p>Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe
pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope then brought out a
communion wafer and chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an
apple. With that, the Pope stood up and said, “I concede the
debate. This man has bested me. The Jews can stay.”</p>

<p>Later, the Cardinals gathered around the Pope, asking him what
had happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to
represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to
remind me that there was still one God common to both our religions.
Then I waved my finger around me to show him that God was all around
us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was
also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and the wafer to
show that God absolves us of our sins. He pulled out an apple to
remind me of original sin. He had an answer for everything. What
could I do?”</p>

<p>Meanwhile, the Jewish community crowded around Rabbi Moishe, asking
what happened. “Well,” said Moishe, “first he said to me, ‘You Jews
have three days to get out of here.’ So I said to him, ‘Up yours’.
Then he tells me the whole city would be cleared of Jews. So I said
to him, 'Listen here Mr. Pope, the Jews … we stay right here!”</p>

<p>“And then?” asked a woman.</p>

<p>“Who knows?” said Rabbi Moishe. “We broke for lunch.”</p>

42

<p>So a dyslexic walks into a bra . .</p>

43

<p>A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he’s drinking, the monkey jumps all around the place.
The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them. Then grabs some sliced limes and eats them. Then jumps onto the pool table, grabs one of the billiard balls, sticks it in his mouth, and to everyone’s amazement, somehow swallows it whole. </p>

<p>The bartender screams at the guy “Did you see what your monkey just did?” </p>

<p>The guy says “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table-whole!” </p>

<p>"Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, "replied the guy. “He eats everything in sight, the little ■■■■■■■. Sorry. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate, then leaves. </p>

<p>Two weeks later he’s in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. </p>

<p>“Did you see what your monkey did now?” he asks. </p>

<p>“No, what?” replies the guy. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it!” said the bartender. </p>

<p>“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me,” replied the guy. " He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he swallowed that cue ball, he measures everything first…"</p>

44

<p>LOLOL…i like that one!</p>

45

<p>Church Bulletin Bloopers:</p>

<p>… Announcement in a church bulletin for a national PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting & Prayer Conference
includes meals.</p>

<p>Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don’t forget your
husbands.</p>

<p>The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon
tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”</p>

<p>Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.</p>

<p>Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more
transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes
of Pastor Jack’s sermons.</p>

<p>The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir
will sing: " Break Forth Into Joy."</p>

<p>Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.</p>

<p>At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is
Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.</p>

<p>Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.</p>

<p>Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.</p>

<p>Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.</p>

<p>Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to
follow.</p>

<p>The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.</p>

<p>This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.</p>

<p>The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.</p>

<p>Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian
Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.</p>

46

<p>hilarious, absolutely hilarious</p>

47

<p>A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. This being a big event, the girl tells her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and “do it” for the first time. Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never done it before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about protection and doing it. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many he’d like to buy; a 3-pack, a 10-pack, or a family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be very busy, it being his first time and all.</p>

<p>That night, the boy shows up at the girl’s parent’s house and meets his girlfriend at the door. “Oh I’m so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in.” The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy still deep in prayer with his head down. Ten minutes pass and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to her boyfriend, “I had no idea you were so religious.” The boy turns and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.”</p>

48

<p>A little boy goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”</p>

<p>Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me capitalism. Your Mom, she’s the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you the people. The nanny, we’ll consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we’ll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense,”</p>

<p>So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what dad had said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed. The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I Understand the concept of politics now.” The father says, “Good son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.” The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ■■■■.”</p>

49

<p>these are the funniest</p>

<p>Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.</p>

<p>Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.</p>

<p>The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind.
They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.</p>

<p>This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.</p>

<p>The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.</p>

50

<p>Uncle Ted’s Morals </p>

<p>Billy’s homework assignment is to think of a true story with a moral so he goes home and thinks about it all night and finally has one. The following day, Suzy raises her hand and says, “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.”
The teacher asks for the moral to the story. Suzy replies, “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” </p>

<p>Next is Lucy. "Well, my dad owns a farm, too, and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched. The moral is, don’t count your chicks before they are hatched.‘’ </p>

<p>Billy is last to speak. He says, ‘‘My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam War. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, with only a parachute, a bottle of bourbon, a machine gun, and a machete. As he floated down he drank the bottle of bourbon. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade broke on his machete, so he killed the last 10 with his bare hands.’’ </p>

<p>The teacher looks in shock at Billy and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. </p>

<p>Billy replies, "Don’t f**k with Uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.‘’</p>

51

<p><a href=“Irreconcilable Differences - The Atlantic”>Irreconcilable Differences - The Atlantic;

52

<p>My dear Ben,</p>

<p>I am in a well here and hoping you are also in a well there. I’m writing this letter slowly, because I know you cannot read fast.</p>

<p>We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen 20 miles from home, so we moved 20 miles away.</p>

<p>I won’t be able to send the address as the last occupants who stayed here took the house numbers with them for their new house so they would not have to change their address. Hopefully by next week we will be able to take our earlier address plate here, so that our address will remain same too.</p>

<p>This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine, situated right above the toilet. I’m not sure it works too well. Last week I put in 3 shirts, pulled the chain and haven’t seen them since.</p>

<p>The weather here isn’t too bad. It rained only twice last week. The first time it rained for 3 days and second time for 4 days.</p>

<p>The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with all the metal buttons, so we cut them off and put them in the pocket.</p>

<p>Your father has another job. He has 500 men under him. He is cutting the grass at the cemetery. By the way I took Suzy to our club’s poolside.</p>

<p>The manager is Andrew. He told her that two- piece swimming suit is not allowed in his club. We were confused as to which piece should we remove?</p>

<p>Your sister had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don’t know whether you are an Aunt or Uncle. Your uncle, Don fell in the nearby well. Some men tried to pull him out, but he fought them off bravely and drowned. We cremated him and he burned for three days.</p>

<p>Your best friend, Eric, is no more. He died trying to fulfill his father’s last wishes. His father had wished to be buried in the sea after he died. And your friend died while in the process of digging a grave for his father.</p>

<p>There isn’t much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.</p>

<p>Love
Mom.</p>

<p>P.S : Ben, I was going to send you some money but by the time I realized, I had already sealed off this letter.</p>

53

<p>I heard this one back in fifth grade…dont hurt me…it has some politics in it…</p>

<p>One day Bill Clinton was running as he does every morning when he met a little boy on a bench sitting with a box on his lap. When he looked into the box he saw a bunch of little puppies with no fur and their eyes closed. “What kind of puppies are they?” Bill asked. The boy said, “Theyre Democrats.”</p>

<p>So Bill ran back to the White House to tell Al Gore about the little puppies. Al replied he’d run with Bill tomorrow to see them. The next day they see the boy with the puppies still with no fur but with their eyes open today and Bill says, “Tell Al what kind of puppies they are!” The boy replies, “Theyre Republican.”</p>

<p>In shock, Bill explains to the boy that he said they were Democrats yesterday. The boy simply replies, “AH, but they’ve opened their eyes!”</p>

54

<p>A proctologist walks into a bank and goes to sign a check but soon stops writing. The proctologist looks down, grumbles, holds up an anal thermometer and exclaims, “Some a**hole has my pen!”</p>

55

<p>TEACHER : Donald, what is the chemical formula for water? </p>

<p>DONALD : H I J K L M N O!! </p>

<p>TEACHER : What are you talking about? </p>

<p>DONALD : Yesterday you said it’s H to O!</p>

56

<p>The Lady and the Facelift </p>

<p>A 47 year-old lady gets a facelift. It turns out very well and she enjoys showing off her new look. She goes to the newsstand and asks the man, ‘‘Sir, how old do you think I am’’?
The man replies ‘‘You’re 30, right?’’ She says ‘‘No, I’m 47, but nice try.’’ </p>

<p>The next day, she goes to McDonald’s. She orders her lunch and asks the young man at the counter, ‘‘How old do you think I am?’’ </p>

<p>The man replies, ‘‘You’re 37, right?’’ </p>

<p>The lady says ‘‘No, I’m 47, but good guess.’’ </p>

<p>After lunch, she gets on the bus and she asks an 85-year-old man how old she is. He replies ‘‘Lady, I can tell how old any woman is by sticking my hand down her panties.’’ </p>

<p>So, quietly and quickly, she lets him do so. He thinks a moment and announces, ‘‘You’re 47!’’ </p>

<p>The lady, astonished, asks, ‘‘How did you know?’’ </p>

<p>The old man replies ‘‘I was standing right behind you at McDonald’s.’’</p>

57

<p>lolololololol</p>

58

<p>Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a phone call. </p>

<p>The other three were discussing their children while walking to the first tee. </p>

<p>“My son,” said one proudly, “has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He’s so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.” </p>

<p>The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership. “He’s so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift.” </p>

<p>The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift. </p>

<p>As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny are, and ask what line of work his son is in. </p>

<p>“To tell the truth, I’m not very pleased how my son has turned out,” he replies. “For fifteen years, he’s been a hairdresser, and I’ve just recently discovered he’s gay.” </p>

<p>As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, “but on the bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio.”</p>

59

<p>Son’s letter to dad:
Dear dad,
college i$ going $uperbly well. I am now taking $wimming cla$$e$ too and my new girlfriend’$ name is $u$an. $econd $eme$ter get$ over on the 31$t and i look forward to $eeing you $oon.</p>

<p>Dad’s letter to son:
Dear son,
I am glad to kNOw that you’re having a good time. The pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task and NOt many people have the opportunity to do so. I am currently keeping myself busy with a very interesting NOvel. Take care.</p>

60

<p>A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a attractive middle aged lady. He approached her and asked, “Ms. Jones, do you know me?”
She responded, “I do know you Mr. Leigh. I’ve known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you’ve been quite a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a rising big shot when you haven’t the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes I do. I’ve known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He’s lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.”
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, you’ll be jailed for contempt!”</p>