just a little scared right now

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I don’t have one specific question, but more like an avalanche of emotions, hopefully that can start to be figured out with the help of some of you (if you have the time). </p>

<p>ok, well I grew up in a conservative family (my dad died a while back so it’s just my mom, my sister, and me), and to be honest I am all for conformity. but…you might know where this is going… i’ve recently come to the realization during the start of college that I am not really inclined to be straight. it has sort of been my deep dark secret that I have sucesfully hidden from everyone for a few years now, but recently I started getting somewhat depressed for no apparent reason (my life is otherwise great), and realized that no matter what I accomplished or how I looked on the outside, my life would be miserable. </p>

<p>there was a song on the radio with the lyrics “It’s your God-forsaken right to be loved” And I started to think, that is all I want, to have a bf and to be loved. I would happily give up everything else. So recently, I ditched the initial life game plan: fake it, forever.</p>

<p>I know my mom will find out eventually, but ideally I would like to delay it for at least 10 more years, it will hurt her terribly and although she will still love me unconditionally, I just can’t do it now. Which is fine, I am o.k. with keeping up apperances with family/old friends because my present and future are on the east coast. </p>

<p>And now the problem. The reality is that it is nearly impossible for 2 closeted people to find each other. I really have no interest in the somewhat flamboyant and occasionally in your face “out” people. I am attracted to someone like me: sorta preppy, into sports, from a conservative family, and by unfortunate necessity of our culture, closeted to the outside world. I am clueluess how to pull this off discretely, but am more afraid not to try because I think my hapiness hangs in the balance. </p>

<p>I know this is probably a stupid problem, I don’t think of myself as a victim or anything, but if you have some helpful words or ideas, I’m all ears.</p>

2

<p>I am going to take the time to write to you before shutting down my computer for ? number of days. (My family is in the middle of moving.) It might be helpful for you to know that I am fifty-five years old, straight, and the parent of a daughter who’s probably close to your age.</p>

<p>Like you, I grew up in a conservative family. I also grew up in a conservative small town–a real-life Leave-It-to-Beaverville–where everybody knew everybody else’s business (but pretended not to). My small town had a number of adult gay and Lesbian couples. These couples–many of whom came from families which had resided in the town for generations–weren’t “closeted,” but were discreet. This wasn’t an undue hardship for them. They lived as conservatively as everybody else in town because they were as conservative as everybody else in town. They owned businesses and held jobs in town, owned homes together, attended church together, volunteered together, and participated in town events together; on Election Day, they walked to their local polling place together, where they more likely than not voted Republican.</p>

<p>I didn’t meet openly gay and Lesbian singles until I attended college out-of-state. My East Coast urban school was huge, with students from all walks of life. My gay and Lesbian classmates were as likely to be conservative as liberal (although most were socially and politically middle-of-the road). A few were closeted and many were out, but some were neither, because like you, they were just beginning to realize that they were “not inclined to be straight.” I learned from my gay and Lesbian close friends that they dealt with the same kinds of relationship issues as my straight friends. Whether gay or straight, some of my friends were in happy relationships, some were in unhappy relationships, some were looking for relationships, and some weren’t looking for relationships. I learned from them that when it comes to finding, establishing, and maintaining a satisfying relationship, sexual orientation matters little, if at all.</p>

<p>You are no more or less likely to find a satisfying relationship as a gay man than as a straight man. So, it’s unrealistic for you to assume that your life will be “miserable” just because you’re gay. It is also unrealistic for you to assume that you might have to “give up everything else” in order to have a satisfying relationship with a socially compatible man. It is realistic for you to assume that you won’t cross paths with socially compatible men in meet-market bars, sleazy bathhouses, and wild drag clubs. You will meet socially compatible men in the same places you choose to live, work, and study, and engaged in the same activities (such as sports) you enjoy. Closeted and semi-closeted gay men have always been able to find each other. You will meet many socially compatible men who, like you, prefer to be low-key rather than “flamboyant,” and who prefer to have a life, rather than a “lifestyle.” (Such gay men are in the majority.) </p>

<p>With regard to remaining closeted to your family and hometown friends: Only you can decide when and how to discuss this aspect of your private life with them. One note of caution: Keep in mind that it will be much easier for your mother to hear this information directly–and privately–from you, than indirectly–and publicly–from somebody else.</p>

<p>By the way, the song lyrics you cited are from “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz. (I like his music!)</p>

<p>Best Wishes</p>

3

<p>I agree with what Timecruncher said. </p>

<p>You don’t say whether or not you are in college or high school currently. Most (all) college campuses have gay advocacy groups. Even if you don’t want to join in and be an active participant in those groups, you could make contact and use their resources. They should be able to point you in a direction where you can meet up with like-minded people.</p>

4

<p>I wish I came across this thread earlier because I’m about to go to work. </p>

<p>Anyway, my parents, particularly my father, are quite socially conservative. I am a lesbian, and this weekend my parents will meet my girlfriend for the first time. Parents have a way of coming around given time and, finally, the realization that they don’t have much of a choice because they must be relatively tolerant (not necessarily accepting or happy about it, but tolerant enough) in order to stay involved in their gay child’s life. </p>

<p>You have time to figure this out, and you will figure it out in a way that works for you. </p>

<p>I really need to run, but quickly: do you have a gay friend at college? It’s likely that you at least know someone at your college who’s gay. Can you come out to that person? And explain your concerns? It’s best if you can find someone to support and help you out at your college while you work things out. </p>

<p>You’ll be fine, though, and happy. I am very confident about that.</p>

5

<p>There are gay organizations that help kids who are questioning their sexuality or trying to cope with the realization that they are gay. I believe that Outright is one of them. Another organization you could contact for advice is PFLAG (Parents and Friends of Lesbians and Gays). PFLAG parents have lots of experience with this. </p>

<p>Gay people run the gamut politically and socially: in all ways, just like straight people. They also have both gay and straight friends who similarly run the gamut. Don’t worry about being forced into some kind of niche. Do be true to yourself. Take your time, and you will find your way.</p>

6

<p>Just so you know, my son didn’t tell my ex that he’s gay for several years after he came out to me, because he was afraid of the reaction he’d receive. As it turned out, he had nothing to worry about. At all.</p>

<p>Having the love and support of both his parents has made a great, positive difference in his life, I think. I very much wish the same for you.</p>

<p>Please don’t assume that you have to stay “closeted.” The world isn’t what it used to be, I promise. And I strongly believe that the closet – however necessary it sometimes may be for some period of time – is ultimately poisonous. It can kill, emotionally if not physically.</p>

<p>Also, the only two choices aren’t “closet” and “flamboyant and occsionally in your face.” There’s a huge amount of space between those two. By the way, I suspect that once you’ve gotten over whatever feelings of shame you still may have, “flamboyance” won’t embarrass you the same way. There’s nothing wrong with it. It’s just how some people are.</p>

<p>Donna</p>

7

<p>Being closeted is the worst feeling one can have - and I’ve had to go back into it as I’ve moved home to my parents (I’m commuting for senior year to save money). My parents are Catholic and quite conservative, and would really not be very happy to find out they have a gay daughter! Though honestly I’m surprised they haven’t said anything at this stage - to be 24 and to have never brought home a male partner, and my appearance (fauxhawk/baggy jeans/skate shoes) makes me stand out a little. I felt much more comfortable when I was living with friends, I was lucky enough to live with queer friends before but being at home really sucks. </p>

<p>To the OP - you sound an awful lot like one of my flatmates from last year. Gay male, not stereotypically flamboyant/camp - but he was very nerdy and into computers. Since moving out he’s really blossomed - the freedom to be who you really are is an amazing thing.</p>

8

<p>Lostage:

</p>

<p>This is very important. You know your mom will continue to love you unconditionally. Will it hurt her? Perhaps. But you may underestimating her capacity to understand and accept. If she is mourning the loss of grandchildren, plenty of gays now marry and have children. My college S had classmates who had two moms or two dads starting in kindergarten.
The most important thing is your mom will want you to be happy.</p>

9

<p>

Excellent post. I agree.</p>

10

<p>Thank you for all the support. I have been doing some more reflecting and “fake it, forever” is becoming plausible once again. <em>sigh</em></p>

<p>I would rather tell my family I shoot blind kittens for sport than tell them this. I have always needed perfection, and this isn’t it.
My heart and my head are telling me different things, and my head has never failed me before. </p>

<p>Also, college could really start to suck. My school is liberal and accepting on the outside, but honestly any place that churns out that many presidents is more cutthroat than the brochure would like you to believe. </p>

<p>What these kids say publicy and what they say behind closed doors is often very different. I would surely be excluded from some of the final clubs on campus (social clubs) and post-graduation friendships, and a part of me needs that. </p>

<p>Even my best friend has made it clear that he does not accept this kind of lifestyle. He is the most loving person I know, but this would likely put an incredible strain on our relationship. </p>

<p>And more importantly, I know I want a family. I realize I can technically have one, but this situation would be far from ideal.<br>
I can already imagine my imaginary child coming home from school in tears because the other kids were teasing mercilessly over this living situation. Just that thought alone sickens me.</p>

<p>Which leads me to the grand question of long term hapiness. Love (or infatuation) would make me happier in the short term, but beauty fades and after factoring in all the negatives arising from lack of social acceptances, I don’t know any more.
A traditional family offers a differnt kind of hapiness. </p>

<p>There is no point at looking at the world the way I want it to be. I need a game plan, and I am short on life experience, so any more thoughts and suggestions would be helpful. Thank you, again.</p>

11

<p>lostage - “I need a game plan” — Game plans are important as long as they are flexible and can change with the moment. </p>

<p>Just be a good, honest and upfront person in everything you do. I don’t think your “fake it, forever” game plan would work well…but I do understand why you would want to follow this plan until you figure it out. </p>

<p>It’s a big world and you sound like you will find your place in it!!</p>

12

<p>I had a friend right after college – met her at work – who is a lesbian. She wouldn’t have admitted it when we first met, even to herself. It took a long time for her to accept it; she, too, came from a very conservative, Catholic family. She was the oldest kid, very responsible, the others looked up to her, yadda yadda yadda. </p>

<p>But eventually, she accepted it, admitted it. And eventually, she came out to her family. Her siblings didn’t care (and guess what? The youngest bro, more than a decade younger, is also gay, it turns out), and her mother in particular had a hard time dealing with it. Didn’t stop her mom from coming to the wedding, though, when my friend found the woman she wanted to spend the rest of her life with. (The mom looked grumpy throughout and I wanted to smack her, but even so, she was there, and that counted for a lot.)</p>

<p>I have another friend, a guy who spent way too much time looking at the bottom of a glass with alcohol in it. He’s also from a conservative, religious family. It took him a long time to accept himself, to accept that he is gay. Once he did, he came out to friends, but not to his family. He felt that perhaps his mom already suspected; eventually, he found the guy he wanted to spend the rest of his life with, they bought a house, they go visit his parents – he’s still his parents’ son, and they don’t really talk about it, but accept it, and his partner, nonetheless.</p>

<p>Your mom may surprise you. She might even already know or suspect. It would just kill me if my son were gay and he thought he had to hide it from me. You may feel uncomfortable telling her now, but as some point, you are likely to feel as though you can’t, and don’t want to, keep it from her, and the rest of your family, any longer.</p>

<p>Please drop the “perfection” thing; that’s like saying blue eyes are “perfection,” and every other eye color is not perfect – it just isn’t so. You are who you are, and the best thing to be is the best you you can be.</p>

13

<p>I’m going to be blunt: “faking” it so you can get married, because you want to have a family, would be horrendously and selfishly unfair to the woman you you married. </p>

<p>And if you think she wouldn’t be able to figure out eventually that something was different, something was wrong, you’re wrong.</p>

<p>And eventually, you wouldn’t be able to “fake it” anymore. Or if you did, there’s an awfully good chance you’d end up having secret hook-ups with guys on the side. </p>

<p>I hope that when you go to college you’ll realize that most college kids are not simply “liberal and accepting” towards gay people on the surface. Most people your age, at least in a college environment, simply couldn’t care less anymore. </p>

<p>And the ones who do care, aren’t people you really want to spend all your time hanging out with anyway.</p>

<p>I wish you could get over your shame and self-hatred. And I have my doubts that your parents would think your being gay is comparable to shooting blind kittens for sport. As others have said, they may surprise you.</p>

<p>But please remember that a lifetime of “faking it” won’t simply affect you. It will inevitably damage others.</p>

<p>It’s no way to live. I’m sure you’ll realize that eventually.</p>

14

<p>DO NOT FAKE IT!!! My mom’s first cousin, who is now in his 80’s, tried to fake it. He married and had a child. The truth eventually wins in life, and he divorced. His wife committed suicide, and his son - then 5 or 6 - found her. Lying leads to so much hurt. I know a couple women whose husbands left them for men. These women were able to get past the incredible hurt, but it hasn’t been easy. One has 2 girls - it has been very confusing for them.</p>

<p>Kids get teased for lots of things their parents do or are. I really don’t think that a kid having two same sex parents is all that big a deal to kids these days. My nephew has had a friend with 2 moms since he was in kindergarten.</p>

<p>As for your friend not understanding … he wouldn’t be much of a friend if he couldn’t deal with the reality of who you are. My H’s best friend from childhood is gay. He never “told” us he was gay, but we sort of figured it out over the years. We never cared, so we never discussed it. His mom, whom we still visit, told us when he came out to his family. We told her we’d suspected … she said her H did, too, although she was surprised. They are very conservative, but they love their son more than anything. He has a long time life partner, and they live quietly & conservatively. Somehow, they found each other, even though neither “seems” gay.</p>

<p>You deserve to be happy, and living a lie will not make you (or anyone else) happy. Just be who you are. My 19 year old D doesn’t have a boyfriend … the right person has not come along yet. Quite a few of her friends are in the same boat. Don’t worry about not having a partner. Lots of kids your age don’t! If you find peace with yourself, you will eventually find the happiness you are searching for. My prayers are with you on this journey.</p>

15

<p>I would have to agree that faking it would not be the best thing to do. I can understand why you would want to do it but you will not be happy while doing it. I didnt like the fact that I was gay so I tried to fake it for a while. I eventually became really depressed and one day one of my close friends passed me a note in class that read “you will be much happier if you accept it”. I hadn’t told anyone so I have no idea where that came from but I am glad that it came.</p>

<p>I think that everyone deserves to be happy with no regard to sexual orientation. </p>

<p>It is not necessary to tell your parents if you feel that uncomfortable about it. I have yet to come out to anyone in my family with the exception of my aunt, but it seems that everyone already kind of knows. Sometimes my mother makes little comments (mostly positive) but it’s just usually not talked about. </p>

<p>Don’t worry so much about college. Most kids in our generation really do not care about your sexual orientation and the ones who do are small in number. I think it will be easier going into college being open and free because you will not only feel better about yourself but you will be able to find many other gays.</p>

16

<p>I strongly suggest that you talk to a counselor. More than likely, you can get help at your college counseling center. This would give you the best chance of figuring out how to handle your life.</p>

<p>I have a lot of gay friends including some who are out and have kids and live in a region that isn’t known for its liberalism. I also have an adult friend from here whose mother is a lesbian, and came out when my adult friend was a teen. My friend says that she dropped the so-called friends who made disparaging remarks about her mom’s lifestyle. She was able to replace them with people who truly were friends.</p>

<p>A white lesbian friend of mine is out and has a daughter in college that my friend’s ex lover conceived through artificial insemination, and the same friend has an adopted black son whose in middle school. Neither of her kids seems scarred by their nontraditional family even though such families are unusual where they live. Both kids also have lots of friends.</p>

<p>"what these kids say publicy and what they say behind closed doors is often very different. I would surely be excluded from some of the final clubs on campus (social clubs) and post-graduation friendships, and a part of me needs that. "</p>

<p>I can’t think of any good reason why you’d “need” to be part of a group or friends with a person who would reject you if they knew the “real” you. There are plenty of other groups and people who’d welcome the real you.</p>

17

<p>College is a great place to be for this issue- trust any formal gay/lesbian organization on your campus to be able to help you deal with your issues, none of them will be new to them. I found out my liberal alma mater currently has a dorm group for not only people who are gay, but for straight students who want to be supportive of people who are gay. The message is that today you can expect to see someone at your college counseling center or approach a college gay/lesbian organization and expect the kind of help you want/need. The gay organization will not be for merely meeting people, it will be for dealing with issues surrounding being gay. If you don’t believe your college will be able to do this start with contacting the people involved in the UW-Madison’s group. Find them on the UW website, I’m sure they can help get you started in successfully navigating the waters at your school.</p>