<p>It seems that my family and I have MUCH more than our “fair share” of difficulties. As a child I was Pollyanna, but given my challenges as an adult, I find that I feel resentful and jealous.</p>
<p>I don’t want to feel this way, but it seems that things just don’t go well for our family (floods, illness, death at young age). Rarely does a day go by that we don’t have something else that is stressful to deal with. I am now in a frame of mind that I almost expect and wait for bad things to happen (and they usually do!)</p>
<p>1) You don’t know what other people are dealing with in their lives. Your family might be more average than you think.</p>
<p>2) I believe in self-fulfilling prophesies. If you expect bad, you’ll get it. Try expecting good and see what happens. (That is by no means a scientific concept, just my own belief)</p>
<p>Sounds like a self-fulfilling prophecy to me. For some people misery is its own reward. </p>
<p>I suggest you stop paying so much attention to yourself and take a good look at others, and their lives. If you do, you’ll find that your experiences a’re pretty much average.</p>
<p>I would say that most families have tragedy in some form along the way. Some choose to focus on it and some do not. I grew up with 3 other sisters. One was killed at age 20 and one was killed at age 15 (both car accident related). What are the chances, right? Two years ago, my mom lost both my grandparents only 4 months apart, then one week later she found out that her husband had terminal pancreatic cancer (about 96% of pancreatic are terminal) and he died 5 days later. My point: It’s natural to feel that life is unfair when things go wrong, but do not believe that only you and your family have had their struggles and loss. We all will experience loss, just some sooner than others. We all will have family members with illnesses (my 6 year old daughter was diagnosed with an autoimmune disorder age the age of 2 and my 4 year old has asthma, that’s not going to change my tune!). The only way to really live happily is to let go of the notion that there is no suffering in life. If we didn’t have the lows, the highs wouldn’t be so spectacular! Life is GOOD and when you embrace it with gratitude, your whole world changes.</p>
<p>Those things are heartbreaking, of course, questbest - but there is adversity in every life. Your family has experienced more floods and illness, and shorter lives, than many others. Some tragedies are harder to see - sexual or physical abuse, alcoholism, mental illness, desperate money problems, terrible family dynamics, unhappy marriages, the pain of illnesses that may not be apparent at a first glance, birth defects, etc. </p>
<p>As the other posters have pointed out, we can’t ever really know what problems other people are facing. It adds to your burden when you feel resentful and jealous of other families that seem to have better lives. And suppose you’re right and your family really is unusually unlucky - how does focusing on that change anything?</p>
<p>My FIL has said this to my children often and it’s made an impact: “Imagine you’re in a big room filled with people and you can temporarily leave your problems at the door. If you could find out what everyone else in there was dealing with, you’d pick up your own problems on the way out.” (I’m sure he didn’t originate it. ;)) Sorry you’re feeling so overwhelmed - is there someone you can talk to for some support?</p>
<p>I don’t know if you do or do not face more adversity than the “norm.” However, if you are spending time on a college web site, that leads me to believe you are either in college or exploring your options to do so. If so, you are probably more fortunate than many, many people in the world. Go spend some time in a 3rd world country in some kind of volunteer capacity and you may decide you are not as “unlucky” as you believed. And I say that sincerely, not as a sarcastic comment intended to make you feel bad for complaining.</p>
<p>Sorry for your circumstances and state of mind. Though some find it easy to assume that everyone has similar amounts of loss, challenges and pain in their lives, it isn’t always so. What overwhelms one person, may be bearable to another. We all bring different things to the table when it comes to coping. When much feels out of control, it can be helpful to focus on the things that are in your hands. The support you seek out, the self -care you administer, the venting, and the creation of pockets of meaning in your daily life can make all the difference. If you have grieving to do, it’s understandable. I fear the focus on resenting others isn’t going to take you where you want to be and you sound concerned about that as well. Know that things aren’t always as they appear- and that, on a good day, few of our lives are improved by the hard things others may face. If it is your experience that your mood is low and negative in a prolonged way, consider speaking to a Dr., clergy, counselor, etc. There is a lot of help out there and and don’t talk yourself out of seeking it. Negative thinking can have many contexts, including very treatable depression. Best to you and here’s hoping that your post is the beginning of some better times ahead.</p>
<p>Perhaps your impressions are indeed accurate. OTOH, I think that your experience may be more common than you realize, and folks simply don’t talk about their troubles IRL other than with their closest friends or family members. Even my parents and siblings never knew about many things that happened to me (and, in some cases, they were the cause of the troubles.) </p>
<p>This is the time of year that many people suffer from the “blues”. I heard a radio commercial on the way home from work today. It was, “Do you feel that everyone else has a better paying job, a rich and fulfilling love life, and is just happier than you?” They went on that if this is you, consider talking to a psychologist. It’s very seasonal.</p>
<p>And now, I find you thinking exactly the same kinds of thoughts: Why is everyone else happier or luckier than me? Well, guess what? We all have a story. We all have suffered through hardships of one kind or another. It’s just that some people are not burdened with it, while others are.</p>
<p>I do not believe this and do not like this “blame the victim” attitude. For example, the men in my husband’s unit in Iraq who were killed did not “expect bad” and did not have loved ones at home “expecting bad” while my husband was spared because he and I expected good. </p>
<p>questbest, Some people’s lives are harder than others, some years are harder than others. I think of children in India born into prostitution or those around the world in abject poverty…their lives are harder than mine, it makes a mockery of their lives to insist that I am not luckier than they are.</p>
<p>But I think back on the two years during which my husband’s younger brother died and we suffered three miscarriages. I very much felt resentful and jealous during those years. Yes, I knew others were suffering and suffering even more but it still hurt like hell. </p>
<p>You are in a tough time, it makes it very difficult to see that better days will come. Be as gentle as possible with yourself. When you can, make room for hope and when you must, protect your heart. I wish for you peace.</p>
<p>I would suggest seeing a therapist. A therapist can help you sort through your feelings, help you learn ways of handling what feels overwhelming and perhaps help you do some things differently.</p>
<p>I’m sorry if my post came across as blaming the victim. I assure you that was not my intention. And to clarify, I did NOT say (or even imply) that people deserve bad things that happen to them. But it is my opinion is that people often get what they expect to get, because their behavior often makes the difference.</p>
<p>In the case of illness or floods or early death (cancer), how does ones behavior make a difference? It seems to me that it is just a lot of bad luck. Statistically a family’s chance of a flood is very small, a family’s chance of multiple illnesses is extremely small, and a family’s chance of experiencing early death is very small…so when all of these things occur in the SAME family, it truly is bad luck! Statistically, having all of these things happen is minute (extremely unlikely). </p>
<p>And when you have experienced so many unfortunate situations, you almost come to expect them. I don’t think that your thoughts bring about the floods, illness, or death.</p>
<p>There was a period of a number of years I could have written much the same thing. By 2001 I was a widow with four small children and bankrupt. My mother was also dead, and I then had teenagers…</p>
<p>We all have seasons of life where, quite frankly, life sucks. I don’t believe any one is immune.</p>
<p>Perspective comes when you learn to look beyond yourself and find someone, anyone, who has it worse. They are out there. I know a woman who has buried two children, is homeless, and her boyfriend was recently killed by a hit and run driver… Or look beyond the borders and thank God you don’t live in Darfur…</p>
<p>This cyclical season will pass and then you will be in a position to reach out to others, having been there and really understanding their pain.</p>
<p>I hate to belabor the point, but it really does seem to me that some families glide rather easily (and happily) through life, while others have the brunt of illness and problems that just come to them and it is not their fault. I know that life is not fair, but it is exhausting and overwhelming when your family seems to have to deal with one thing after another.</p>
<p>^I do agree that some families seem hit with a large number of tragedies or other significant stressors. My best friend in high school mother died of a stroke when my friend was 12. When we were 15, my friend’s boyfriend died in a car accident and then my friend got breast cancer when she was 23 and pregnant with her first child. She ultimately died of the cancer when she was 32. This was in no way, shape or form a result of her ‘expectations.’</p>
<p>I work with a man whose first wive died of cancer at a young age and then his first-born child died of cancer at age 23. Nicest man you will ever meet.</p>
<p>Questbest, I have had periods of time when everything seems to be overwhelming and not going well for me (or my loved ones). It’s hard when you are in the midst of that, not to feel overwhelmed and exhausted. When you are at that low point, it’s hard to see that things will ever be good again. The best thing I have found is to work toward solving or at least dealing with those issues, one by one. People generally feel better when they have a plan.</p>
<p>I also agree that sometimes the whole ‘positive thinking’ thing can have a touch of ‘blame the victim’ going on. I recently read an article about how people who are dealing with life-threatening cancer are often told to ‘be positive’ and that by expecting good outcomes you will be cured. The article went on to say that this often places an unfair burden on these cancer patients because suddenly they feel like it’s their own fault if they aren’t cured of the cancer. The truth of the matter is that sometimes things are truly out of our control. It’s okay to feel scared and overwhelmed when dealing with serious issues. </p>
<p>While trying to stay positive can be helpful but it’s also okay to feel your feelings and acknowledge that sometimes life sucks and is hard. The people that end up having the hardest time long-term are those who adamantly deny that they (or their family members) have any issues or problems. Just because people don’t talk about it or acknowledge it, doesn’t mean those problems don’t exist. I can’t tell you the number of ‘perfect marriages’ I’ve seen go down the tubes because one or both people refused to acknowledge there was a problem.</p>
<p>It does seem like life isn’t fair sometimes. I have a close family member who always seems to get exactly what she wants. But I also know a lot of what she does is for ‘show’ and deep-down she is not a very happy person and her marriage basically sucks. She will rarely talk about it because she doesn’t want people to think her life is less than perfect but she does confide in me. You really can’t tell how someone’s life is faring based on external circumstances. Look at all the celebrities, who seem to have it all and whose lives eventually implode. People often like to portray their life as being perfect because they are afraid of being judged by others. </p>
<p>Hang in there. Talking to a good counselor has often helped me over the ‘humps’ and out of the depths of despair. Remember life isn’t a straight line but, rather, a series of peaks and valleys. Hugs.</p>
<p>I’m so sorry for your family’s misfortunes. Just know that you’re NOT alone. Many, many of us have faced similar challenges, and that includes my own family.</p>
<p>Some things that have helped me:</p>
<p>Yoga
A daily long walk
Demanding pets
Volunteer work
Travel
Cooking
Focusing on life’s small pleasures, like a good book or a steaming hot cup of strong coffee</p>
<p>After my only two siblings were killed as teenagers, a minister told my parents and me:</p>
<p>“You can sit around waiting for the next disaster to occur. And something bad WILL eventually happen since bad things happen to everyone. My advice is to ACTIVELY search for the next pinnacle in life, and in the process you will once again experience peace and joy.”</p>
<p>I never forgot that minister’s advice. He was right. I wish the same for you, questbest.</p>