Just when it seems that no one is listenin'..........

Parent Cafe
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<p>Wow! My son made my day today!!! Not any of my biological sons. ;)This “son” is my oldest son’s best friend. This kid is one of my very favorite “adopteds.” He really considers me a mother, and he even calls me “Mom.” He asks for me that way on the phone, so I always have to ask my other kids which son it is that is calling! <em>lol</em></p>

<p>Anyway, this wonderful adopted son and I share a very close relationship…he tells me virtually EVERYTHING, unlike my own son!! <em>lol</em> He came over the other night to discuss some issues related to a girl he’s interested in, and we talked for a loooooooooooong time. During that time, he made reference to some parties at which he had been drinking. </p>

<p>Now, he knows how I feel about teenage drinking (and he well knows that my bio son doesn’t touch alcohol–by his own choice, not by my demand), and I again expressed my opinion about how destructive this can be, particularly if overdone or if accompanied with driving. This kid is a fairly responsible drinker, but still…</p>

<p>So, before he left, I said, “Wait a minute. Will you do me a favor?” And I went to my desk drawer and pulled out one of the cards I ordered from the Sam Spady foundation. I handed it to him and explained the story of Sam Spady and how I would never, EVER, EVER be the same if anything happened to him…He took the card and placed it in his wallet.</p>

<p>This morning he called again…Today is prom for my D and also for my oldest son’s gf. My adopted son (Adson) is standing in for my bio son and escorting S’s gf to prom this evening. Anyway, my adopted son called to finalize some plans (all the kids were taking the ACT this a.m.!), and he said that he had been woken up early by a phone call…at 7:30, only three hours after he had gone to bed. My immediate response was, “WHAT were you doing 'til 4:30 in the morning??” <em>lol</em>, and then I immediately said, “Ummmmmmmm, don’t answer that, I don’t even want to know…”;)</p>

<p>At that point, my Adson said, “Don’t worry Mom…I was completely sober!” And then he said this…“Uh, Mom? You know that talk we had the other night and the card that you gave me? Well, I can’t believe this, but it really DID have an effect on me. I just can’t see drinking in the same way anymore…”</p>

<p>Honestly, I shed a few tears. You know, sometimes as parents it seems that we do so much in vain, that our words just go in one ear and out the other, but to actually hear that something I said had made this wonderful, brilliant, incredible and precious kid STOP and think about something…well, that’s what makes this whole parenting dealio worthwhile, huh?</p>

<p>So, y’all, keep talking to those kids…sometime, some way, that message just MIGHT get through!</p>

<p>~berurah, mom of many and lovin’ it</p>

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<p>What a neat story! How special to know you made an impression on that young man and helped him grow up a bit. :)</p>

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<p>Great story, berurah!
I have several adopted sons (adsons, lol), too. One in particular is older than my HS freshman, but has gone through alot of ups and downs in school, including a drinking bout during the school day. He talks to me much before his own parents, who are good friends of ours. I walk a fine line of listening, and having to let him know that I need to speak to his 'rents (that kid lingo) if I feel they should know something. I think he sometimes tells me things that he knows I have to tell them, just so he doesn’t have to. It helps diffuse situations for both them and him, as both have time to get their emotions together before they discuss anything.</p>

<p>I ordered the Sam Spady cards, too. They are great to initiate the drinking talk, and as a very valuable tool that will surely keep saving kids’ lives.</p>

<p>Thanks for this great reminder post!</p>

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<p>Susantm~</p>

<p>Thanks…So much of what we do as parents is unquantifiable (except the number of diapers or dishes or baskets of laundry <em>lol</em>) that it feels great to know that maybe, just maybe, this kid will be a little bit safer because of something I conveyed to him…</p>

<p>galwaymom~</p>

<p>It’s nice to know that I’m not the only one who seems to somehow “collect kids.” <em>lol</em> I totally agree with you about your adson…I think he comes to you so that you can act as that “buffer”…how wonderful it is that he has such a caring and trusted person in you.</p>

<p>The adson I talked about above has had some rough times as well, particularly as a younger child. He often talks to me before his parents too, though I’m not sure why because both of his parents are great people, and he is very open with them as well. I’m not complaining though, because I simply adore him and am glad to help whenever I can. </p>

<p>I forgot to mention it, but he and I also discussed the lucifer incident, and that may have had the greatest impact. He thought it was as disturbing and eerie as I did that lucifer was posting on CC about how he was in control of his drinking such a short time before his tragic death. I think that really gave him pause because the whole reason I began the discussion with him was because he was telling me how he “knew his alcohol limits.” I think that may have made him realize that even an “experienced” drinker can “miscalculate.”</p>

<p>Keep up the great work!</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>Wow Berurah-great story. It’s nice to hear that sometimes the teen-agers do listen!</p>

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<p>One good take-away is that we shouldn’t give up. So many times it really feels like no one is listening and you become tempted to “save your breath”. BUT-if you keep plugging away, you might get this type of rewarding result. Thanks for the report!</p>

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<p>Great, encouraging story, Berurah. Good for you.</p>

<p>I remember my H and I discussing once when our kids were little that we hoped they were able to develop meaningful relationships with other “responsible” adults as they grew – Because there sometimes comes a time when guidance from a non-parent is more welcome for one reason or another. This is exactly the scenario we were picturing. </p>

<p>A discussion with a parent about drinking can sound like a lecture, even if it’s not. With a non-parent adult friend, it gets heard differently, as from someone who cares but doesn’t “have to.”</p>

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<p>Great story - I hope you emailed that post to the Spady family. Their efforts are making a difference, one kid at a time.</p>

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<p>Good job B.</p>

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<p>If anyone could get a teen to listen it’s you, berurah! Good job.</p>

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<p>berurah~you have such a gift for helping others~you make my day reading this!</p>

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<p>You made my day too, berurah sounds like the ultimate mom :slight_smile:
Really makes me smile to know that there are still nice people out there like you and adson!</p>

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<p>I wish Berurah was my mom and I’m 45. I bet she has a warm, welcoming house. I ordered the Sam Spady cards too but have been to shy to pass them out to anyone but my kids. I don’t know if it’s my place to give them to anyone else. However I will be contacting the Dean at the HS and offer to donate cards to the student body after reading this thread :)</p>

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<p>Wow, I am impressed. You can talk to OTHER people’s kids about stuff like drinking! – and they listen to you, too! You are one amazing woman, B!</p>

<p>Okay, I am up late because it is PROM night. All those teenagers driving around in the wee hours gives me the heebeejeebees. But DD is finally home now, so I can go back to bed now. Yay! G’night, all!</p>

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<p>Berurah:
Yesssss! Way to go, lady.</p>

<p>You can file this in your life’s memories as one of the times you TRULY made a difference (and a good one) in someone else’e life. Doesn’t happen too often, for any of us… treasure it.</p>

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<p>Berurah, your post prompted me to move “order Sam Spady” cards from my “To do…someday” list to the “To do…now” list. Thank you for the extra motivation; ordering Sam Spady cards is now on my “Done” list.</p>

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<p>Beruhah—
beautiful …inspirational…thank you …I, too , have been giving the Sam cards around…</p>

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<p>

naneth~
You’re right…it is a VERY sometimes thing! <em>lol</em> I think my incredulity prompted this post!! ;)</p>

<p>

MOWC~
EXACTLY!!! And, my dear, you are one of my greatest inspirations in this area…You son’s roundabout journey and your candid sharing of it have taught me a great deal.</p>

<p>

binx~
Like you, I had always hoped for the same for my kids. Oddly enough, they have not formed these kinds of connections. We have no extended family around and so far, they have not felt as comfortable with other kids’ parents as those kids seem to be comfortable with me. There is, however, one CCer who has “adopted” my whole brood and with whom several of my children share lovely email correspondences. And this means a great deal to me, as it does to them.</p>

<p>I do think in general that forming these sorts of outside-of-the-family relationships is SOOOOOOOOO beneficial, and I hope that one day each of my kids has someone like this to whom s/he can turn.</p>

<p>Hey binx??? You wouldn’t be interested in moving to Kansas, wouldja?? :wink: </p>

<p>

movinmom~
Absolutely fabulous idea, and one I will take care of today!!! Thanks for the suggestion!</p>

<p>Alu~
Thanks, honey!</p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>

evitajr~
Maybe as binx said above, it is just easier for a non-parent to get through sometimes…</p>

<p>

irish~
The really cool thing is that I get just as much in return! <3 <3 <3</p>

<p>

sarorah~
Awwwwwwww, thanks sweetie…I’m DEFINITELY NOT the ultimate mom…I have many areas in which I am lacking, but do me a favor…don’t tell my kids, huh??? :wink: On second thought, no one really has to…they already know! <em>lol</em>

PrimetimeMom~
<strong>sniff</strong> Thanks so much…your words are beyond kind. About the Sam Spady cards–I’ve only given out a couple, the one mentioned above and another one to a mom friend of mine that I ran into in the store. She was expressing some concerns about her oldest son (who is a h.s. senior this year). Even though I could tell that she was hesitant to even consider that her son might be drinking, I saw that it WAS in the back of her mind (and I have heard from other kids that he does drink). When I gave her the card, she literally teared up and said, “This is a real treasure.” I think the thing that she appreciated was that I was NOT standing in judgment of her or her son but rather saying to her, “I do NOT want ANYTHING to happen to your child!!” (The mom and I are not good friends but she was one of my first acquaintances I made when we moved here and so I’ve seen her son grow up.) Donating the cards to the school is a good idea, but IMHO, if they are given personally in a caring manner, they may be even more effective. It can be a delicate position, though, as NO parent wants to feel judged or feel that others are being critical of her parenting or of her child or his actions. I personally would hesitate to hand them out if I felt like the person would be defensive or not know my motivation beneath the action. That’s why I’ve carefully selected the people to whom I’ve given them so far. </p>

<p>~berurah</p>

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<p>

mstee~
I can relate to the prom stuff!!! I was up very late last night too as we had a crew at prom…there’s something about prom night that just makes me uneasy. This year, our school placed a totaled vehicle out on the grass by the school sign, and I thought it was a GREAT idea. All of the words in the world cannot convey a startling image like that. I know my kids talked about it a great deal, and I think it really impressed them.</p>

<p>About my being able to talk to other people’s kids about sensitive stuff…I have to laugh. My adson called me several times this week and then came over Thursday night (the visit I referenced above). Now, we’ve always been close, but lately, he’s opened up more than ever, and I found myself having to lean my chin on my hand in an effort to keep it from dropping to the FLOOR!!! He tells me MUCH more than ANY of my kids do, and I was tryin’ soooooooooooo hard to be cool when he disclosed some exceedingly personal stuff on Thursday night!!! </p>

<p>It’s funny…I don’t know what it is about me, but people–even people I don’t know at ALL–tend to open up to me. My kids are totally amazed. They call this strange phenomenon my “magic people powers.” Even my oldest refers to it this way! I have NO idea what it is, but it definitely <em>IS</em>. It is not at all unusual for me to walk through a checkout line at the grocery and walk out with the checker’s number because she thinks that I am “easy to talk to.” Waiters and waitresses will disclose their life stories. I know the life stories of every person who works at Blockbuster. It’s so bizarre. And so, many of my kids’ friends are the same way with me…the last time my son was home, he just turned to me and exclaimed, “Mom, you have <em>SO</em> MANY kids!!! (referring to all my kids’ friends)” <em>lol</em> I do love it though! :)</p>

<p>

OD~
Thanks, sweetie. I am sure that there are so many times when each of us makes a difference in the lives of others…what was striking about this instance was that my adson chose to TELL me about it, and it had been such a short time since we had this discussion that it was easy to “connect the dots.” And yes, I will SO treasure this precious event…</p>

<p>~berurah</p>