<p>I am curious about whether this situation would irk you all or whether I am just weird. I work at a school with about 45 teachers, about 2/3 female and 1/3 male. Historically (meaning for about the past 10 years - and maybe longer, but that’s how long I’ve been here, until about 2 years ago), when one of the teachers was pregnant, the vice-principal would take up a collection and buy a gift card as a gift from the whole faculty (or rather from whoever chose to contribute, which was never specified so far as I know–it was presented as being from the faculty). So far as I know, there were not any baby showers (I had my children before I came to this school). About two years ago, two (female) teachers started organizing baby showers for teachers who were pregnant, and inviting all of the female teachers. And asking for an additional contribution to buy another group gift. The vice-principal still takes up the collection from all teachers who want to contribute to the faculty-wide gift.</p>
<p>I am probably a curmudgeon, but I don’t like that all (and only) female teachers are invited, and I don’t like being asked to contribute to a second gift.</p>
<p>So far I have declined all of the invitations (without any explanation, just a vague sorry I can’t make it) but I just have gotten two more and I am tempted to explain to these inviters why I am declining.</p>
<p>I don’t see a reason to be annoyed. From your note, it sounds like you’d rather not attend these baby showers, so just don’t go. </p>
<p>I suspect that some ladies love baby showers and so they are happy to arrange these parties. They’d be considered rude if they didn’t invite all the other female teachers, so you will be invited, but it’s not rude to decline. </p>
<p>As to why the men aren’t invited. Well, I can only say that all the men I know would be irked to be invited! </p>
<p>Either all the teachers should be invited, or it should be a very small group. Not more than half but not all. There are actually legal precedents for this. Excluding people on the basis of sex along (as you describe) creates a “hostile work environment”. The school could be held liable.</p>
<p>I can see why some people would think it was nice to have a <em>private</em> party. I can see why the asst principal collects the faculty gift. But I cannot see why the two organizers are a) inviting ALL of the female teachers, and b) collecting for another group gift from all of the female teachers. I would think that those who choose to go to their shower–since it is a private party, I assume it is off-campus?–would bring individual gifts.</p>
<p>I am also wondering what is done when one of the male teachers has an SO who is expecting a baby, or when people adopt? Is there a shower and/or a collective gift for them? </p>
<p>IMHO, these two women should knock it off, because they have breached the public/private wall in a big way. Have cake and coffee or punch in the teachers’ lounge, present the faculty gift, and call it a day. If a pregnant teacher has a particular group of friends, THEY can choose to do something with her on their own time.</p>
<p>Oh good grief. You really think the male teachers are going to be po’d that they were not invited to a baby shower? So peeved that they will sue for a “hostile work environment”? It’s things like this that make me think we’ve all just gone completely mad.</p>
<p>I worked for a company where the president and his inner boys club held bachelor parties with teenaged hookers and so forth, and then we’d all hear about it the next day at work.</p>
<p>Obviously, none of the women were irked not to be invited, but…</p>
<p>I worked on a school for 37 years. In all cases, baby showers were held for staff expecting babies. No one was required to come, but all were invited. In addition to the gifts by the guests, our school had a cheer fund. A school gift was given to the parent as well. </p>
<p>Honestly, my opinion, if you don’t want to contribute or you don’t want to attend the shower…then don’t. But I don’t think having a shower and giving a school gift of a gift card is overly generous. You could contribute any amount you choose to the VPs collection…and you can get an inexpensive gift for the baby or go in on a gift with others. Or you can decline the invitation.</p>
<p>If you had been there when you had your children, I’m sure you would have appreciated the generosity of your colleagues. I know I did!</p>
<p>When I was a teacher, my colleagues gave me a baby shower, which I appreciated very much. But there was no additional gift from the faculty as a whole either. As far as I know, no legal action was filed by any of the male faculty. ;)</p>
<p>I disagree that there is anything to be peeved about. I agree with others who say you should decline with no excuses required if you don’t want to attend, and I certainly would not give in to any pressure to contribute money if you don’t feel like it.</p>
<p>The only part of this that I would have a problem with is the double dipping for gifts. If the VP is collecting and the party hosts are also collecting or expecting people to bring a gift, that is too much. There needs to be some communication between parties about what is reasonable. I teach at an elementary school and we do have baby showers. The entire staff is invited but the men don’t go. We take up one collection for gifts and two volunteers go and spend whatever money is collected on whatever that amount will buy. We also do a raffle at the party and people buy raffle tickets for prizes. The raffle money goes into a diaper fund. </p>
<p>We have fun but there is no pressure to participate. Most do.</p>
<p>I would hope that when a man’s wife is expecting a baby that they held a shower for him too. My husband worked at different companies when each of our 3 sons were born and they had a shower for him each time.</p>
<p>OP here. I appreciate reading everyone’s perspective. I think Consolation summed up my discomfort/displeasure with the practice of inviting all/only women teachers to these supplemental parties–it is a blurring of the personal and work relationships. If you want to have a party, invite particular people, not all of the women teachers.</p>
<p>I should also say that all new children (whether male teachers’ babies or anyone’s adopted children) are recognized with a faculty-wide gift card. But no one gets a school-wide party. So I see why some people would want to have a party, I just think it’s bad form (and it does irk me) that those parties are not strictly personal functions, with only people who are especially close to the parent-to-be invited. </p>
<p>Recently at our school, one of the expectant moms was very specific. She only wanted staff members who she knew well invited to her shower. Her wishes were honored. Not everyone in the school was invited…and that was fine with everyone. The staff is quite generous anyway…even some who were not invited to the actual party gave this new mom a gift when her baby was born…</p>
<p>Honestly…I think you are over analyzing this. </p>
<p>If you don’t want to go…then don’t. If you don’t want to contribute, then don’t.</p>
<p>OTOH, if you wish to get the expectant parent a gift…go a heard…shower invite or not. I’ll be they will appreciate it.</p>
<p>I’m curious, are the showers held at the school, or at someone’s home? Are they held on work days or on the weekend? </p>
<p>I think inviting all the women is meant to be inclusive, to ensure that no one feels left out. That’s a nice gesture. There’s no obligation to attend or to contribute to a second gift (or, technically speaking, to the faculty gift either, although it might look churlish to skip that one). </p>
<p>I don’t think you need to apply a blanket rule to these invitations. If the expectant mother is a friend or a warm acquaintance, you should feel free to accept the invitation. If it is someone you barely know or don’t like, feel free to decline. I’m sure that is the standard that most of the other invited guests are applying in deciding whether to attend.</p>
<p>Is there a suggested amount for each contribution? If not, and you feel like going to the shower, why not just figure out how much you want to spend and contribute half the total amount to each collection?</p>
<p>How many of these events are there during the year, anyway?</p>