So, we just had to have “the talk” with my 88-year-old mother. I was not looking forward to it. All I have to say is Thank God for my BIL who specializes in Parkinsons and Alzheimers. I don’t know how “normal” people do this. Between the 4 of us involved, we have 2 doctors and a financial expert.
It went so much better than expected because my BIL sets up these meetings for families all the time and knew exactly what to do and say. Plus, my mom respects him as a doctor, so she didn’t fight it. I was surprised that she was not defensive about taking a new driving test or letting us help with her finances.
Here are some of the things we addressed if anyone needs ideas:
Finances - We got her down to one credit card, and my husband will monitor it for theft. We are using the Apple card as it is the easiest to monitor. He will consolidate her bills where possible, keep track of her logins, and help her reconcile everything once a month. He will also go through her investments to make sure they are optimized, her estate is in order, and that she is spending down when she should to avoid excessive taxes.
Driving - This one was tough because there is no clear answer. My BIL took her for a drive, and although there wasn’t anything alarming, it wasn’t great either. Some of the issues were not hearing that her blinker had turned off when she was waiting to make a turn, turning her wheels too far in one direction when pulling into a parking spot, and a lot of new little dings on her car. She shifted her car into drive before putting on her seatbelt, and then didn’t know if it was turned on. Not knowing whether her car was running has been an issue a few times, and again, it was because she couldn’t hear it. For the time being, she will make sure to wear her hearing aids when she drives and always use her placard for a handicapped spot. She is going to take an AARP safe driving class and then take a driving exam at the RMV. We will deal with whatever the driving test indicates. Luckily, Lyft and Uber are easily accessible where she lives, and she has lots of friends that she goes to temple and out with on a regular basis.
Grocery Shopping - She has been going every two weeks to do a huge shopping and it’s too much for her to carry everything. We don’t want her to go more often because that’s more driving in crowded parking lots. I will go every two weeks to help her do a big shopping and put everything away. We are hoping she will agree to use a delivery service for the in between shopping, but I have a feeling she won’t as long as she has her license.
Fall Prevention - This was the big one. She has had some falls. We started with the Apple Watch, but that was a fail. Apparently, it’s not made for people who are under 5 feet tall. She also doesn’t fall with a lot of velocity. It’s more been that she’s bending down to lift something and falls over. I also have a concern that she will fall getting out of bed at night while she isn’t wearing it because it is charging, so we are looking into other solutions. My BIL and sister said that the medical alert systems are kind of the same thing. So, if she falls and can make a call either through her watch or the medical alert thing, then it’s fine, but if she’s knocked out, it’s a problem. We’re looking into other systems. My sister says there is a system that is about to be released that will scan the room and knows if someone falls.
We are getting her a 4-prong cane that she says she will use. It’s just another point of contact to make her steadier. She says that sometimes she doesn’t feel steady because her knee or ankle starts to give out. My sister checked her, and it’s not her knee or ankle, but her spinal stenosis, that is causing weakness. She is also going to schedule some PT sessions to teach her the best way to use the cane, and the best ways to get out of a chair, into and out of a car, carry things, etc.
We’ve tried to deal with rugs. URGH. My sister keeps rolling one up and putting it away, but my mother keeps taking it out. It is taped down. My sister and I trip over it every time we come, but my mother insists on having it. We do have traction tape on her stairs (we had moved everything downstairs and she moved it all back upstairs).
We are getting a grabber, as many falls happen when people are bending over and reaching for something.
Hearing Aids - This has been a big issue beyond driving. I think when people live by themselves, they get used to not wearing them. They can just turn the TV or radio up louder. However, anytime one of your senses is diminished, you are at a greater fall risk. Better hearing also reduces the rate of cognitive decline. She has agreed that she will put in her hearing aids every morning.
That’s all I can think of off the top of my head, but maybe it will help someone else dealing with this. I’m telling you, I wish I could clone my BIL and send him to anyone who needs to have this talk.
