I know some of my friends were horrified when my siblings and I took away one parent’s car (early stage dementia) and then the second car ( also dementia.) I heard it all- “how can you take away their independence like that- they’re still driving, they seem fine” blah blah blah. Especially for my dad “don’t you know that a man’s identify is tied up in his independence which means driving”. Yada yada yada.
Then an elderly woman in my neighborhood drove her car through a plate glass window of a local coffee shop. Smashed through the bollard out in front (so witnesses and the cops say she was going at a terrifying speed), ran over three cafe tables in the front of the store, smashed into the display case and hit the back wall of the coffee prep area. Tons of damage. Many traumatized people, but no fatalities. A miracle according to the first responders. The broken collar bone which could have been catastrophic if the person had been sitting in the chair opposite- the fractures which would heal with surgery and then PT.
And these same people were all of a sudden “why were her kids still letting her drive?”.
You can’t win. But my siblings and I decided we’d rather hear the daily complaining about how much a taxi cost, why they had to switch hair salons because the preferred one was too far to walk, why the Peapod grocery guy let the ice cream melt, etc. than spend the rest of our lives doing penance for some third grader who was waiting for the school bus when impaired mom or dad came zooming across the median line.
There are people in my neighborhood still driving and their kids excuses- “we can’t monitor an adult 24/7” sounds like BS to me. We sat parent number 1 down, explained that “Remember when we saw Dr. Jones last week and he said that your memory and reflexes weren’t what they used to be? We’ve set up an account for you at Evergreen Taxi service, we’ve taped the phone number to the phones, all you need to do is call and tell them where you want to go and they will take you there and pick you up”. And then we produced the title, had the parent sign and transferred the car to a neighbor who had a new job and needed a car- who handed over a check for 1/10th of the Blue Book value who started to cry with joy. Hugged the parents, said “this will change my life” and drove off in the car. Bye bye car.
Easier with number 2 since we were experienced “takers away of parental independence” by then.
I highly suggest getting parents used to Lyft and Uber before the driving discussion even comes up. My mom is very used to both as she doesn’t want to drive in the city or park and it’s now easier for her to use than public transportation. We figured there was a cost saving considering gas, insurance, and maintaince that comes with keeping her car.
I was the bad guy who told my FIL that he couldn’t drive anymore (“Do you want to kill someone’s grandchild?). I think that was what convinced my in laws to decide on their own to move into assisted living.
If Lyft and Uber or even a regular old taxi are readily available, try treating your parents to rides. My sister paid for the Uber for my parents to her son’s college graduation (Denver to Boulder so about an hour) and my father couldn’t believe how easy it was (of course some one else was paying). We were trying to convince him to just use Uber all the time as it would have cost about $5/day for his ride to the place he met his buddy for lunch, and to give up driving and the cost of gas and car insurance. He died not long after but I think if it would have been one more winter he would have agreed to it.
I’m feeling my age and now take the free medical ride (I’m in a research study so ride is paid for) to my eye doctor appt. I used to live very close to the eye doctor and figured I could always walk home and pick up my car later if I couldn’t see after the treatment, but in Dec I thought I was fine to drive home and as I was driving the sun was very bright and I didn’t see a child in her driveway (with a parent) dart toward the street. All was fine, parent caught the child but I was ‘what if’ and from then on I take the ride.
I hope I’m as open minded about accepting help when I’m 80. If I get to 80.
I think my mom might actually see this as her victory. Her kids are actually working together (we don’t get along) and talking to each other. Plus, it ensures she will see us on a regular basis.
I want to share a brief comment about getting a parent a cane: a PT that I recently worked with commented to me that a walker (or “rollator”) is more visible to people around you than a cane or even crutches. I’ve needed to use a walker and now a rollator, temporarily, and people definitely seem to give me some extra room.
(The rollator also can provide a place to sit along the way…)
Where my parents live, there is no public transportation, and there is no Lyft or Uber. My father never had a cell phone.
My inlaws cannot turn off their computer because they don’t know their log ins for their bank, etc. When power goes out, they drive the computer to Staples and get help. They both have cell phones but do not/cannot text or use any apps.
We are of course concerned, but there’s no persuading them to change. We know it will end badly, but we have given up.
I was eyeing one that looks like it’s a big improvement over the old fashioned walker, but I think the cane was mostly for around the house
We are very lucky. My mom has always been very up to date on new technology and uses it to her advantage. She is cognitively fine and reads two books a week, regularly challenges herself to learn new things and is very engaged with people of all ages. I think she she’s these new guidelines as things that will keep her active for longer. She knows one fall could really put an end to the things she enjoys doing.
That is good advice. I helped a church friend get to legal aid appointments after she had a falling out with her nieces, wanted to change her will to just name her nephews. (They all live a plane ride away). Having run an estate planning workshop, I suggested to lawyer at first meeting “and POA and healthcare POA too, right?” She agreed… but I was surprised she had not made the recommendation.
I was supposed to go to a Will making seminar tomorrow (have to postpone) and the ‘3 for one price’ are the Will, medical POA and a regular POA. I have a medical POA as my doctor’s office gave it to me and I filled it out, gave a copy to that office and one to my sister who I listed as medical POA. It had several levels I could choose from and I went middle of the road on most (run over by a bus? pull the plug; hit by a small car, probably try to save me)
Check the doctor’s office or medical system (Kaiser, hospital) to see if there is one on the website. Basic POAs are definitely available online, but may not be as legally sophisticated as you’d like.
The basic Will is okay for me as 1) all my banking/finance/titled stuff will pass directly to beneficiaries and 2) no one wants my junk so the kids can fight over it without probating a will. Will is just insurance but hope it won’t be used, so simple is fine.
I’ve noticed hospitals provide medical POA form . (One hospital also provided Will and POA, with notary service. They no longer do that. But it was a godsend to one family I know when they did.)
My 98 year old father lives in what I call, “The House of Many Stairs”. With his younger wife’s good help and various services, it works… just getting harder each time he returns home. I am SO happy that in 1993 we built a house with den/guestroom (pocket door to bathroom). At the time, it was done thinking about the grandparents visiting etc. For us now, it’s a bit of backup plan in case one of us has surgery etc.
Yes! Many people here know that my dad was hit by an 86 year old woman who confused Drive and Reverse (or the gas and the brake, we could not figure out because she was so agitated). They were in a parking lot, and she accelerated and hit my parents car which then hit dad as he was putting a bag in the trunk.
He suffered a TBI, could not be on his own again, and in short order they moved from their house, to IL, to AL, to memory care. Never got to do the post retirement traveling they planned.
The woman suffered no consequences because she was not under the influence. She did not understand why the police came, and as far as I know she continued to drive.
My mantra is -“Would you let your 5 year old grandchild ride with this person?” If the answer is NO, then they should not be driving, period.
I read something once that really stuck with me: if you want to murder somebody and get away with it, all you need to do is hit them with your car.
And it’s true - vehicular manslaughter? Slap on the wrist; if you see jail time you’ll be out shortly.
The penalties for injuring and killing people with your car, or for driving while intoxicated, are so low in this country. We consistently prioritize people’s “right to drive” over public safety.
– Many years ago my late grandmother’s husband confused the gas and brake while backing out of a driveway. He floored it across the street and drove at full speed through the picture window of the house opposite. It was only sheer luck that he didn’t hit a child playing and that the homeowner had stepped into the kitchen when the car went into her home.
This happened to my father. My parents were living in an end-unit townhouse with a side entry garage. Dad was backing out of the garage, confused drive/reverse, zoomed across a small grass area and into the side entry garage of the end-unit townhouse next to them. Minor damage to the car and other garage. We had a family meeting the next day and dad agreed to give up his keys. He was 80.
My mother stopped driving shortly after being pulled over by the police. The police thought she was DUI. She explained she was driving slower because her night vision was not good. They let her go with a warning not to drive alone at night. The incident shook her up enough that she didn’t renew her license and stopped driving. She was in her mid-70s.
My friend is in her 70s. She drives up to 10 miles (or more) under speed limit in far left lane. I offer rides as often as practical as I am nervous being her passenger. She lives alone and drives often.