I’ve asked her but she knows she will eventually want to turn left so she likes being in that lane. I’ve mentioned it’s dangerous to go under speed limit, especially in far left lane but she shrugs and does what she wants.
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Mom never liked driving and always preferred being driven. She’s freeze and not know what to do whenever there was a siren. She was rear-ended when at a complete stop on the highway (traffic was stopped). The airbag deployed and broke a bone. Her new Mercedes was totaled and she didn’t want another car. I’m not sure how old she was 70s or 80s.
My mom’s neurologist told her that the person she could kill could be her own granddaughter and she handed me her keys and never asked to drive again. She was 72.
The neuro said the first time someone with early ALZ gets lost is the time to stop driving.
It was harder for my dad who had his faculties but had physical problems. In the last few years of his life he’d only drive 1-2 miles from home, never on the highway, and never at night. He took senior transportation for doctor appointments and got lifts from younger friends for other things. He was 80 when he started limiting himself.
I’m so lucky that this wasn’t one of my battles.
H is going to have to be the bad guy soon with his elderly family members. I’ll support him but I can’t influence that in the same way.
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In her late 70’s, my MIL took her hands off the wheel and started talking to FIL for an extended period. He had to grab the wheel – she said “oh, I forgot I was driving”. A couple months ago she helped him pick up his car so was following him back to their home when she got so lost she had to pull over and have him come back for her. But they think these were just odd singular incidents. They are now 84 and 85.
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Forgetting that you’re driving is an odd singular incident?
These are two events you are aware of. How many do you think there are that you AREN’T aware of, or even they’re not aware of? Losing your car in a crowded supermarket parking lot happens to everyone. But how many times has one of them become disoriented when behind the wheel? Their insurance agent can give you the stats….
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I’m sure it happens more than they admit. We are 4 hours away, and they are the people they are. The list of subjects on which they refuse to be persuaded is long, and we don’t expect that to change until a catastophe happens in one way or another. The list of information normal families share, that they refuse to, is also long.
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While I agree you literally cannot, and should not expect, to control everything an elderly parent does, driving is another story. Choosing not to get rid of rugs, have a helper, or move to assisted living is a choice that impacts the individual and immediate family (that have to worry or help). But, others have said, driving has potentially deadly consequences for others. Depending on where the elderly person lives, there may be a process to take away their driving privileges. It is a pain, but these days there are lots of options. Even though drive share apps cost money, it is often cheaper than owning, maintaining and insuring a car.
I had to give up worrying about many things, but was very thankful my parents gave up driving, even though it meant we had to drive them places. And keep a minivan as our vehicle for longer than we maybe would have otherwise to fit everyone!
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The conversation about keeping elders safe is so personal. Of course here on CC we only know certain facts.
People are stubborn and won’t change their habits. People are far enough away that we can’t keep tabs on them on the daily. People are non-communicative or not forthright with information so we may be left in the dark.
If you do - or if you don’t - have a good relationship with elderly parents who should are taking risks that effect others in or outside of their home - then throw caution to the wind and be very blunt with them about their habits. “Your driving habits could result in a child/adult/pet being hit, injured or killed”. “Your actions WILL affect everyone in our family for a long period of time” (don’t think just because it wasn’t your decision or you’re not close by that it won’t - it’s a terrible thing to live with knowing that someone in your family hurt or killed someone behind the wheel).
Be 100% frank. Even if it risks your relationship.
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My great aunt, a stubborn old bird who lived on a farm, refused to stop driving. She said she had no options for getting around. This was true, but she refused her kids’ pleas to live closer to them so they could help … and when she hit and seriously injured a teenage girl, she was on her way to play the slots at the casino. I felt really bad for her kids, because their mom refused to listen to reason. If a parent is legally sound, their children can’t control their lives (as much as they wish they could).
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I feel that this has been discussed extensively and effectively in the parents helping parents and feel that this discussion is redundant.
How many conversations do we need about the same thing that has been discussed?
It is nuanced and dependent on what the elder is buying into. Also frankly your relationship to the person.
I had more agency with my mom, my mil is dependent on their children. Who are very reluctant to even bring up getting an emergency alert system. He tried to bring up buying an Apple Watch, was told that was too expensive. Every purchase is too much to spend. For someone who has millions in the bank. They won’t get a dog walker. They won’t get Ubers. They won’t have grocery delivery. They even declined to let my husband take her to the doctor. He’s not going to push.
I’ve discussed this on the other thread. I’m going to try and not read this one anymore and go back to the other long running conversation
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There are people who follow one thread but not both. And there are people whose situations have changed over the last few months-and if they get a new idea which can help them, I say it’s worth the duplicate threads.
My mom was entitled to a small survivor’s benefit from something or other after my dad died. I’m well organized and financially savvy and for whatever reason, I could NOT get the proper documentation to satisfy the requirements. Every time I submitted I’d get a letter in the mail “incomplete application” or “missing documentation”.
I was venting on a different message board and named the insurance company, and someone posted the phone number (not available from customer service, not available on the website, not available in any other way) of the “Client Ombudsman” who was responsible for issues just like mine. You’d usually get the number after threatening a lawsuit or reporting them to a compliance agency? Anyway, the company doesn’t give the number out.
So I called, with my entire file, the NICEST person answered the phone, gave me her full name, I told her the problem and heard a click and she said ‘I fixed it, your mom should be getting a check complete with the last several months payment within 48 hours”.
IMHO having a duplicate thread for the very costly and often scary issues we all face with aging parents is well worth it if someone can solve a thorny problem!
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The forms are also free online. At least they are in my state and probably in most states. So those last two are free and they aren’t doing you any favors other than maybe being a witness when you fill them out.
We’ve consolidated all the articles posted. And the RIP thread. We have multiple travel questions so that’s one that isn’t consolidated. And how many retirement threads?
Everyone has the right to their opinion. Mine is that I feel that there is lot to learn on the parents helping parents but discussing for the umpteenth time about taking the keys away from our parents has been discussed so much.
I’ll try for this to be my last post on this topic
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and their equipment!
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My friend and most of her siblings strongly believed their dad, in his 80s, should no longer drive, and had thought this for a while. His long time doctor also recommended this. He and one son found a doctor who would sign off that he could drive, and his son took him. Their dad had lived a full life of much help to others and responsible jobs. Within a few weeks he drove a vehicle on the wrong side of a rural highway at night with no headlights (forgot to turn them on and then got lost) and killed two young people in another vehicle, and caused injuries to others.
The tragedy was immense.
He didn’t die in the crash but died a few months later. There were lawsuits his kids had to settle and pay. The relationships of the siblings will probably never heal. The inheritances went from sizable to not much. My friend suffers from not doing enough, not standing up to her one brother and from feeling guilty she didn’t do enough.
This was enough to emphasize to me and this friend circle the importance of our responsibility. We brainstormed solutions and strategies of car and driving scenarios as many of us later faced some version of stopping the driving.
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This is awful. The similar case I know the only fatality was the elderly driver– and so ironic, it was a road he’d driven thousands of times before, but he drove his car onto the shoulder (to check for a weird noise? take a tissue out of the glove box which was open?) and then after a minute or two (according to folks who saw it) instead of pulling back into his lane, accelerated on the shoulder and crashed into the metal barrier.
His kids (adults, responsible people, “do the right thing” family) will never recover.
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My brother couldn’t bring himself to be the heavy and get dad to stop driving, even though dad lost mom, lost his parked car, and in general was having a LOT of issues. Brother finally told dad that the CCRC required that dad stop driving or they’d kick mom & dad out of CCRC. That finally worked and dad stopped driving. (No idea whether CCRC actually said that but it was the easy out.)
Before dad stopped driving, he had quite a few accidents, including wrapping his car around a pole “because the sun was in his eyes.” We were all willing and able to drive mom & dad but dad really didn’t want to stop driving. Even when we were driving, he’d “help” by advising us to go through red lights, turn down wrong way on one way streets, etc. We were relieved he was no longer driving. We were very fortunate that he never hurt anyone.
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I think we have driven (no pun intended) our point about elders/driving as the thread is titled.
These stories are hard to read but speak of real situations. I have a story I could share but I feel the point has been made.
I’ll exit out now of the thread as I think it has run its course (for me at least).
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My spouse & his sister tried for years to convince their mom to use fall prevention devices (like a cane or walker). We even bought her a very attractive cane that was 100% her style. She refused to use it because “it makes me look old.” It was frustrating & sometimes scary watching her try to navigate walking. Even friends of hers at her church brought her some of these devices for free and she still refused.
She lost the ability to drive a few years before she passed away. The ‘no more driving’ was implemented by her eye doctor due to retina issues brought on by poorly managed type 2 diabetes.
The tricky part was, though, that she kept telling all of us that the retina specialist allegedly told her that MIL would have to “wait and see” at the next appointment 6 months later. So every 6 months, she’d say that she was still waiting to get her driver’s license back.
And because of that, she refused to sell her car.
After 2-3 years of this, the doctor allegedly did tell her that there was nothing more he/she could do to improve her eye sight and, therefore, driving again was a no go. She ended up giving her low mileage car to a friend of hers for free.