Keeping the faith - have your adult kids done this?

Parent Cafe
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I wasn’t sure how to word the title of this thread.

Our ds was raised in a household where we attended Sunday School and church services weekly. He was also involved in youth, did mission trips, played in the youth praise band, etc. Dh and I were both involved in various aspects of church life in addition to worship - serving on committees, volunteering, music performance, Bible studies, women’s group (for me), etc. All that to say that ds was “raised in the church.” He also attended a Christian sports camp for several years during the summer.

I never attended church when I was in college except when I was “home” visiting my own parents. I didn’t really attend church after I started working until dh and I married, and then we started going together. I think this was a typical pattern for our era.

Ds, likewise, did not attend or join a church while in college and has not returned since starting his job.

If you raised your child in a “religious” (see - I just don’t know how to word this?? I am not trying to offend anyone, so I hope my intent is clear)) household, have your adult children continued to practice their faith apart from living under your roof? Once they were launched? I am curious about ALL faith backgrounds - not just Christian ones (that just happens to be what we are).

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Mine isn’t launched yet as she’s still in college. But, she has attended a couple of services on campus to “church shop” but they didn’t resonate with her at all. She loves the non denominational church that is near our home and goes with us when she’s here, but hasn’t been able to find something similar at her school. As such, I think it’s not on her radar right now. Not sure what will happen when she’s settled somewhere more permanently.

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Oldest has retained his faith but doesn’t attend church (crowds are hard for him because of his mental illness).

Middle one has embraced his faith and serves refugees in Lebanon. He shares his faith IF APPROPRIATE. His group makes it clear that all refugees in need will be helped, whatever their beliefs.

Youngest is searching and doesn’t go to church at all. I’ve told her that’s fine with us - it’s important to determine your own beliefs and not just blindly follow what your parents think.

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I could write a book, but I will spare you. My kids went to a Christian high school and were raised in my faith. I was a BSF leader, taught Sunday school, and ran the Christian ed department at my church.

My son just graduated from college, and is living at home with us while he gets his life in order. He comes to church (Baptist in name, but not affiliated with a Baptist denomination) with me (DH is not religious), but doesn’t love it. In college, he did attend church faithfully (Methodist, the denomination in which he was raised.)

My daughter nearly lost her faith in college because of her depression, but she started attending Catholic services her sophomore year and converted her junior year while she lived with a French Catholic family in France. She considered a career as a nun and went on several retreats at convents. I was supportive, but it is not what I wanted for my daughter. The summer after she graduated, she met a devout Catholic man who played the keyboard at her church. A year later, she married him. Ten months after that, this past June, she had a baby, my first grandchild.

None of this is what I expected, but I know that it is not surprising to God.

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We attended a Conservative synagogue and my children went to Hebrews / Sunday school from kindergarten through 8 th grade. They also attended Jewish camps. Our purpose in doing this was not to make our kids have a certain belief or level of observance ( many Jews don’t refer to people as being “ religious” but rather as being “observant” meaning Observant of Jewish laws) but rather to give them the background to understand their heritage and make their own decisions about faith and observance plus have the ability to read Hebrew so that they could participate in a Jewish service anywhere in the world. My husband is an atheist and I am an agnostic with very strong views of what a God, if such a being exists, who was truly loving would by definition have to be like( I subscribe to the philosophy of Why bad things happen to good people that there is a possibility that a god exists who is all loving but that by definition not one that is both all loving and all powerful). Anyway, one of my kids is a strident Athiest. The other a believer in a traditional Jewish view of God and who is observant of some ( but far from all) Jewish practices and law.

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We all have our own faith journey. If you raise your kids with any faith, then they have a reference point. I think it’s natural to want them to “keep the faith” so to speak. But many 20 somethings go through a period of questioning why their faith makes sense and what meaning it brings to their lives. Many wander and come back. Some wander and don’t come back. Some change completely. It always surprised me that so many people who have no faith/or are anti-faith are then buried in a traditional faith manner.
I look forward to seeing where my kids land in terms of faith. I hope and wish for one thing, but at some point it’s their decision.

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I’m Congregationalist. My parents are VERY active locally in their church. I’ve often said my dad would be a fantastic minister and he’s preached on ocassion. They’re involved in their church and in the wider geographic area, holding several high up positions on church councils. They embrace all faiths. Faith, whatever that is, was strongly encouraged in my world as a kid. My parents always wanted me to believe in something, some sort of higher power and our faith has always been very open. My DH and I both went to Catholic colleges. I found that to be absolutely fascinating as a non-Catholic. I ate up the religion classes. Anyway…

After stints at several different churches, my husband and I chose to become members of our town’s Congregational church. We raised our son in this church. We did everything: church school, teaching, retreats, confirmation, mission trips, youth groups, you name it. Our son made wonderful friends (as did we) and we felt we had helped instill a strong faith in something larger than himself.

When he was a senior in high school he announced right around Christmas that he’s an Atheist. I took a deep breath (secretly glad I got to the point of confirmation - haha). Even in a very open and affirming denomination such as our own, he’s struggling with faith when as a gay male he feels discriminated against daily (ie: if God loves me, why did he make me this way to be ridiculed"). I can’t fault him for his feelings…I can only listen and try to understand because I don’t walk in his shoes. For this reason, he’s currently rejecting the church.

So, I had to take another deep breath…and let it be. I hope that one day the base of believing in a higher power…whatever that is…will someday come back to him, but ultimately that’s his choice, and I’m honestly ok with whatever he chooses (and, yes, so are the grandparents). And here’s why…

What I can say is that the lessons he learned as a child growing up in our church have stayed with him: his compassion for others, his willingness to help those in need, his acceptance of all types of people, and his belief in a greater good are all huge parts of his character. While he doesn’t practice faith and doesn’t believe in a higher power, it’s most definitely a part of him. He certainly has wonderful values that can’t be replaced and that, to me (and DH), is more important than anything.

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D was involved with our church growing up (Sunday school, mission trips, youth group, choir, acolyte service, etc.) but in college found a different denomination had a more active campus ministry. She continues to attend a church in that (more conservative) denomination. While I wish she had stayed in the denomination in which she grew up, I’m glad she continues to engage with spiritual and religious questions. Where and if she attends services are decisions now totally up to her, IMHO.

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Dh is an atheist, and I’m mostly agnostic as church attendance wasn’t a fight I was interested in waging with dh. We didn’t raise our kids in a specific faith but exposed them to various religions thanks to things like required church attendance in day care, vacation Bible school with friends, Eastern Orthodox services with dh’s family. That type of thing. Ds1 seems areligious. Ds2 went to a Jesuit college and always has seemed more curious. He attended many kinds of religious services in college but doesn’t attend services now. I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he meets a girl who is religious and began attending. However, the church would have to be pretty progressive.

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It’s complicated. :wink: D2 is probably the most “organizationally” connected to our family’s religious traditions, but all three kids are spiritual, intellectually interested in religious matters, and follow some of our traditions. Their upbringing has prepared them for full participation in our religion and has instilled respect for other traditions as well. And they travel home for family holidays, which is the best!

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MODERATOR’S NOTE: I think it would be best if users just stuck to answering the OP’s question without discussing beliefs or morality. Otherwise, the thread will have to be shut down.

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@MaineLonghorn - thanks. I wasn’t trying to be controversial.

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@hoggirl, I know. I think it’s an interesting question, but we have to be careful to keep to the TOS.

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My husband was brought up in a Catholic home, and attended Catholic schools through high school. He hasn’t stepped foot in a Catholic Church (except for weddings and funerals) since he graduated from high school. He is not the only one I know like this.

I was raised Jewish and attended synagogue all the way through confirmation. I don’t think I’ve been in a synagogue for anything since my confirmation in 10th grade…and I know for sure I’m not the only one in my huge confirmation class who did the same.

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I think this is a very interesting question and would like to see the answers. Thanks for starting this @Hoggirl

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H and I were both raised Catholic. We are traditional (Latin Mass) Catholics. H has always been very involved in church. Our first two kids attended conservative Catholic colleges and both married in the church. Son’s wife is a devout Catholic, D’s H was raised in a church-going Presbyterian family. He is agnostic, I think, but respectful of religion, and did agree that their children (none yet) would be raised Catholic because this is important to D. Our next 3 kids attended public universities. One of them had spotty mass attendance at times. The other two never miss–perhaps out of habit? Next two kids are still in high school. 17yo extremely devout and 14yo is along for the ride. None of our kids ever said they didn’t want to go to mass, pray the rosary, etc. Tbh, I was sort of waiting for that rebellion that never happened. (Contrast that with my sister’s 6 kids–only 2 of whom are still Catholic. Very devout parents, raised in church, but oldest rebelled/refused to go and I think that set a bad example for the younger sibs.) Btw, we know many young women who have become nuns in the last 10 years. I didn’t know any girls from my home parish/my generation who did.

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My kids were “raised in the church” (Presbyterian/PCUSA). I know they both very much appreciate it as part of their upbringing. S is now living in a southern state and told us about a year or so ago that he is agnostic. I think that is partly backlash to the conservative church culture he sees everywhere around him. Maybe he needs time and space to sort out his own understanding of God and faith. Now he has a significant other who was raised Methodist and her family is still very active. She mentioned recently that she wants to get back to church. S has become very interested in the current issues in the Methodist church about gay marriage and gay clergy and enjoys discussing it with me, as it is very much affecting his gf’s family’s church. I’m betting if they marry it will be in the church and church will serve some role in S’s future faith journey.

D just graduated and is living at home. Her faith is important to her and she enjoys church, but doesnt like getting up early on Sundays to attend. She comes with us occasionally. She didn’t go to church during college but did make an effort to get to Christmas and Easter services on campus. Once she moves out of the area, it will be interesting to see to what extent she nurtures her faith. If she wants to go to church, she will certainly look for a progressive, diverse congregation that supports social justice issues.

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My kids were raised in the church. H & I were both actively involved, and our kids attended Sunday School & many church events. They seemed to enjoy it. When S was in his later teens, he shared with us that he is not a believer. D attended church on & off after going out on her own. She got married in a church by our minister. She & her H do not attend church, but I expect they will once they have kids. H & I feel faith and the expression of faith are very personal choices, so we are fine with whatever our kids choose to do (or not do).

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H and I were raised Catholic though my mom’s side of the family is Jewish. She agreed for us to be raised Catholic like my dad. We have 3 kids - two of them attended a Catholic school preK-8 and one attended Catholic school PreK-12.

None of the three attend Catholic services now for the most part. Honestly, H and I don’t either. Many reasons. However, I would say they are IMO “faithful” - which to me means they are good people who seek to help others less fortunate or those in need. D1 is experiencing some of the Jewish faith as her BF’s family is half Jewish. S was married in a religious ceremony at an Eastern Orthodox church and attends there occasionally. All 3 were very active in religious services through their schooling and “served” the church for years. They don’t regret that and in fact, it wasn’t the religion but the teacher who encouraged them and coached them to serve that provided the best example of serving others that we as parents could ask for.

The “faith” that I want them to always have is faith in people and serving those around you. That I believe they continue to do!

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My mother was an atheist, my father liked to go to church on Christmas and Easter. One son became a devout Episcopalian, one is agnostic and we joined Ethical Culture which believes in “Deed above Creed”. Our kids went to Sunday School, learned about different faiths and were taught that we should treat others so as to bring out the best in them, and in doing that bringing out the best in ourselves. I think my kids are good people but they don’t feel any need to identify themselves with any religion.