Keeping the faith - have your adult kids done this?

Parent Cafe
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Mr R and his brothers were raised in a very Catholic, mass at least once a week, household. Mr R and his oldest brother stopped going immediately once out of the house. His middle brother waivered and is now back to being a pretty devoted Catholic (as is his wife).

Their mother tries to guilt trip them into going to church, but they simply no longer believe. (Mr R never really did and I’m not sure about his oldest brother.) Last Christmas, all she asked for from her sons, in lieu of gifts, was for them to attend mass weekly. (Needless to say, they didn’t.)

His parents have still never forgiven us for getting married in a non-religious ceremony ?

My parents weren’t religious and neither were their parents. My dad is an atheist now and my mom waivers between atheism and agnosticism. I did go to Catholic school but as soon as I was out, I never went back to mass despite going through all the standard childhood sacraments. (I’m an atheist)

Our kiddo will not be baptized or be raised religious. When they’re older, I’m happy to let them explore it but honestly, neither Mr R nor I would even know how to raise our kids religious if we wanted to.

22

We are Jews and our kids were raised as Jews with religious school, Hebrew lessons, bar mitzvahs, and trips to Israel. We celebrated Jewish holidays at home and did not have a Christmas tree. S1, who has a job and lives away from home, identifies as a Jew and observes major holidays in a low key way. He has not joined a congregation and does not seek out Jewish friends or GFs. It is fair to say we don’t know yet whether Judaism has been transmitted to him, but suspect it has. But his future family may or may not be Jewish. S2 is an atheist and is not a fan of religion of any kind. He observes no Jewish holidays and only the secular part of any religious holiday, like gift giving at Christmas. His GF is a social justice Protestant and I expect him to marry her. I doubt their family will be Jewish. At best they will be mixed. FWIW this all really bothers my H, child of Holocaust survivors, but not me, product of a mixed marriage who was allowed to choose her faith.

23

Kids went to catholic school, mass twice a week through 8th grade. Youngest DS will go occasionally on his own at college. Older DS never, his beliefs now don’t align with catholic beliefs.

We are fine with what ever they want to believe. DH is agnostic and I’m Protestant.

24

Thank you for all the replies. Definitely safe to say that there is no way to know what the future holds. Among ds’s current, local-to-where-he-lives now friends the two who seem to continue to practice/observe their faith are both Catholic as they (according to him) regularly go to mass… He has several Jewish friends with varying degrees of observing (thank you @maya54). One has a non-Jewish gf and that is seemingly unimportant to him or his family. Many of his Jewish friends (both current and from college friends) have made birthright trips, whether they are practicing their faith or not. I am not sure I know the significance of those trips??

Among his high school friends, it is again those in the Catholic faith who seem to be more persistent in their faith practices. One had a most unfortunate situation from dating someone outside of her faith for two years. She thought his family would eventually come to accept her as she got to know them better and spent time with them, but it turns out that he had and was aware that he had an arranged marriage but did not reveal this to her. I wonder how that will impact boyfriends in the future. Another Protestant high school friend of ds’s is seriously dating a young woman who is Buddhist. This is worrisome to his mother who is a Presbyterian minister. It does seem that finding a partner with a similar faith background has become less important, even among those faiths where it has traditionally been important. To my knowledge, ds has no girlfriend so I can’t say whether a similarity of beliefs will play into that.

I was kind of curious if there were any “patterns,” depending on the faith, gender, geographic location, or ??? - but that doesn’t seem to be the case.

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I have to agree that of my boys friends, the ones who go to church on a regular basis are Catholics.

One of my boys dated a Jewish gal for awhile, the other dated a Muslim. It doesn’t matter to us what details one believes. I’m a very conservative person in just about every aspect of my life, but when in comes to mainstream religions I’m not.

26

DH & I are both Jewish and identify as such. We are certainly more observant than religious. Our sons went to Hebrew school, became bar mitzvahs, and we belonged to a Reform temple until S2 finished HS.

S1 married a non-Jewish woman, but was married by a Reconstructionist rabbi. He observes holidays (fasts on Yom Kippur, lights the menorah, keeps Passover), but hasn’t been to services since he was in HS. We have no idea how he’s planning to raise his children, and haven’t asked. Like @Lizardly 's H, I’m the child of Holocaust survivors so there’s part of me that feels bothered that my son could be the last somewhat observant Jew in his family.
S2 is probably less observant than S1. He fasts on Yom Kippur if he remembers, and eats what he wants for the most part during Passover.

27

My wife and I both went to Catholic schools K thru college, our children went most of that way through high school as well, with some homeschooling and a charter for the two youngest. We’re fairly active in the parish but not super conservative or highly visible in the community: pretty boring, low profile midwestern stock characters.

A few years ago our oldest went away to a nominally Lutheran college, got involved in some broader Christian Bible groups and is now enthusiastically Christian But Not Catholic. I’m not certain of the details to be honest, as she seems to want to avoid most any kind of discussion about it that might get critical. But that’s pretty unlikely from us, as we’re just glad she’s found something that lights her up even if it’s not what we brought her up with. My college years (and a bunch that followed) were a lot of the “just because you’re in a garage doesn’t make you a car” seasonal Catholicism that didn’t involve much discernible evidence, much less mass attendance. So in my view anything that keeps up some relationship with religion or some other active moral life is better than sleeping in on Sundays for a decade and then dusting off the old ways when it comes time to try raising kids. I don’t think religion is vital for everyone, but it’s a helpful guide for getting through a period in your life where you’re facing a lot of situations for the first time. So far one DD seems to agree, so now we’ll have to see how the others approach it.

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I was barely raised Eastern Orthodox, and H was barely raised Catholic.

We did have both kids baptized EO — why? MIL was very anxious about us not baptizing, H was not up for a fight, and neither was I. Easier to roll over. The EO priest came to the house, and it was relatively painless. But, neither H or I are believers.

When the kids were young, we tried out UU for size as a way to get involved in community & social justice. It didn’t take, for anyone.

One kid identifies as atheist. The other kid went to Catholic school for middle school & HS, and surprised us by converting in college. Turns out that baptism came in handy! I don’t know if she will stick with it or not.

I am hopeful she remains open and accepting of us non-believers just as we strive to remain open & accepting of her conversion.

29

I kept a kosher home, and sent my son to a Jewish day school. He went to religious camps . It all meant nothing.
When in the in between stage of leaving long term g/f, he dated a gal who was a visiting student in his grad school. She had UG at a HYP, and her brother went to same college as my son. She grew up without a father, as did my son. She had shifted to more traditional behaviors. She loved gyms and weekend biking tours. My son made a religious mistake when he cooked a full Shabbat meal by not lighting the candles before guests arrived, and this gal blew up. Wow End of relationship.

Next gal, now fiancée, involved deeply with her religion, but a beautiful soul. I only offer support.

30

H and I are a generation ahead of times. I was raised Catholic, H Hindu. Exposed son to traditions of each but without beliefs (think secular). By now all of us atheists. Catholic sister’s kids had friends do their generic ceremonies, none of brother’s kids are religious despite any church weddings.

I recall being at a very liberal flagship where I continued with Sunday mass because of the way things were done- quit when in medical school in a conservative diocese. Easier to make changes when exposed to very different backgrounds of people you have so many other common shared facets. When I look back I see where ancestors and relatives have not stayed within the religion- sometimes because of marriage where the one who attends church has influence or the non-Catholic was going to convert (died early before that happened).

Seems as though it is the wife/mother with the most influence on family church practices. Anyone else find that trend?

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I was raised in a church (Sunday morning, Sunday night, Tuesday Bible study, Wednesday youth group, choir practice, and services, and various other social activities as they came up); DH was not. I remember my parents telling me, “while in this house, you will attend church. When you’re an adult, you get to make your own decisions about it.”

Well, once we had kids, DH decided they MUST be raised in a church, so contrary to my parents’ dictates, apparently it wasn’t the case that I got to do what I wanted with respect to attending church. Now it was “as long as we have kids, you will attend church.” Okay, not stated like that, but certainly pressure applied. I could have refused to cooperate, but wanted our family to be unified, and did agree that it wasn’t a bad thing to expose our kids to our faith (which I never totally rejected, just some issues with my denomination and organized religion in general).

Anyway, our kids were raised in the Church, went through Confirmation class on our recommendation with the proviso that they did not have to be confirmed unless they wanted to at the end of it. Both girls chose to be confirmed. D1, after a few years in college, told us that while she didn’t identify as Christian, believed in a higher power. Now she and her DH state that they are atheists. This has broken DH’s heart. I feel that he believes deep in his heart that if we had been just a bit more devout or had set a deeper example of faith, this wouldn’t have come to be.

D2 says she definitely identifies as Christian, but never goes to church and faith doesn’t seem to occupy much of her thoughts or time. I finally have exercised my right to believe what I believe in my heart without physically attending a church to legitimize it. DH seems disappointed with the whole lot of us, but I don’t observe him going to church alone. I probably should agree to go with him every other Sunday or something to be more supportive of his feelings.

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@wis75 I have definitely observed that it is the wife who seems to have the most religious influence over the household. I don’t know if this is because women are generally more likely to be observant than men or if women in general are more likely to determine household culture. I have also noticed that the families who are the most strict about attending religious services tend to have kids who wander from their faith when they are adults. Of course, parents who aren’t strict also have kids who wander, but among the people I know, it’s the really strict parents whose kids want nothing to do with religion once they leave home.
And I appreciate the distinction that Jews make between religious and observant. I think the latter term is better because it has fewer negative connotations. For me personally, my faith is not so much about religion but about relationship with God. I don’t really want to be thought of as religious.

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H and I both grew up Catholic and married in the Catholic Church. We stopped attending mass until we were planning a family and at that point we started attending the Episcopal Church and have been for 30 years now. Both kids were raised Episcopalian, went to church, Sunday school etc. D was fairly active in the church youth group and went on some mission trips in HS. S had no interest in the youth activities so he didn’t do them.
Neither of my kids attended religious colleges and since leaving home only attended church when they were here with us on Christmas or Easter though D was married by our priest (who she knows well and has always really liked). SIL’s family is Catholic but do not regularly attend mass. They had no issue with the wedding not being in the church.
H’s immediate family are all practicing Catholics, but not conservative. My late parents stopped attending mass years ago and both requested no services when they died.

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Such an interesting question! DH was raised Catholic and his parents were devout in their faith and attendance at services. Mine are Methodist and took us until around HS. They are both very involved now since retirement.

Dd1-very involved through beginning of college. Youth groups, mission trips, choir, SS. She met and married a guy with very little religious upbringing and they are not involved.
DD2 and DS went through confirmation then dropped away. None of us are involved in organized services now. DS says he is agnostic, partly because he says he is afraid to be atheist.

We got involved to give our kids a foundation so it will be interesting to see where their journeys go.

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DH was raised Jewish, was never terribly observant. I converted from Catholicism to Judaism while still in college. My dad told me the day DH and I got married that his mother converted to Catholicism from being Southern Baptist and raised five devout kids. He said as long as I raised my kids with religion, he was good.

S1 & S2 went to a Jewish preschool through 2nd and K, respectively, then Hebrew school, Bar Mitzvah and Confirmation in 10th grade. Both read Torah on Saturdays and High Holidays through high school.

S1 pronounces himself agnostic, though he still asks for my hamentaschen at Purim and to my surprise, is extremely generous in his tzedakah (charity). Some of it rubbed off.

S2, who is now living in the Central/Eastern European lands of his father’s ancestors, has taken a new interest. He went to Seder every year at college, but has never been terribly observant. Now when he travels, he makes a point of finding a synagogue in every city and puts on tefillin. (Most of the synagogues in the former Soviet countries are now run by Chabad. Putting on tefillin seems to be a common “welcoming” mitzvah.) He went to the Brodsky Synagogue for HH last fall and plans to do so again this year. He did Birthright in January of this year and part of the reason he’s overseas now is to fulfill a vow he made in his Bar Mitzvah speech. Do I think this will translate into marrying a Jewish woman? I don’t know. I do think he wants to pass his heritage on to his (currently imaginary) kids, though.

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I was raised Jewish and H Catholic. I was sent to an Orthodox yeshiva because I lived in the South Bronx and my parents didn’t want me in public school. My family never belonged to a synagogue while I was growing up and my grandma was horrified that I was sent to yeshiva. She didn’t have any of her 3 sons bar mitzvahed (including my dad) because she lost her faith as a young girl when she witnessed a pogrom. Long story short, she was visiting a friend when the Cossacks arrived, her friend’s dad threw her under a bed to hide and she saw the family massacred. When she got to the US, there were 2 things she never did again - speak Russian and go to shul.

Anyway, I was pretty observant until about age 12, when I asked the rabbis why I couldn’t learn the same Torah portions as the boys and didn’t get a satisfactory answer. I abandoned organized religion after that until I was pregnant. All of the boys have brisim and the 2 oldest kids were bar/bat mitzvahed. The younger 3 weren’t interested and I just wasn’t up for the fight. H refused to have the children baptized so we couldn’t have a priest at our wedding (I was okay with it for my MIL as she had hosted oldest son’s bris at her home).
Middle son has always been an atheist. The only time H and i had a problem with it was when this son wanted to become an Eagle Scout. He finally agreed that he could profess to believe in something enough to qualify, but I never asked what that something was. We were very lucky that our scout groups put very little focus on the religious badges. Ironically, son’s Eagle project was a service project to benefit the Christian Church where his troop met because he was grateful for its sponsorship.
We always had a Christmas tree but never put anything religious on it. I felt that I couldn’t deprive H of his favorite aspect of being Christian.

The most ironic thing is that both of our sisters converted to Episcopalianism!
I feel badly that I gave up the fight and my younger kids were allowed to drop out of Hebrew school, but I had so much going on at the time and I just couldn’t fight that battle.
My kids are kind, charitable, helpful and good souls, even if they don’t practice a faith.

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I’m surprised at how many young children proclaim themselves atheist after growing up in a religion. I find that fascinating, and would like to hear their reasons why. Is it true introspection, or just youthful willfulness in becoming independent from parents.

I’ve had my own internal struggle for years, have read books, prayed, etc. I finally realize that while I truly believe in God, I’m not a Christian. I just don’t believe. But I grew up in a church, so that is where I feel the most comfortable when I do go. Not sure there is an organized religion for this.

Only a handful of best friends know how I feel. I’ll never tell my kids. I do believe there can be great comfort in believing during life’s trials, and I don’t want to take that away or confuse them with my own thoughts. I think another poster mentioned that above also.

38

Fascinating thread. My views are most in line what @StPaulDad and “anything that keeps up some relationship with religion”. DH and I were both raised Catholic and I would say that both of our families were similar in the amount of attendance. I’m also of Italian descent and we had a large network of family attending our home parish, so religion and family were entwined. DH went to Notre Dame, where he enjoyed the challenge of religious classes but did not attend Mass any more than required (if it was).

I never stepped away. I attended Bucknell and we had a great priest and Catholic Campus Ministry. (Anyone else out there who knew Father Joe?) We had a 4:00 PM Sunday Mass and it was the place to be and be seen. After Mass, many of us would attend Sunday dinner together.

Among our 6 siblings, all continue to “identify as Catholic”, except maybe the divorced one. Three couples are every-Sunday Catholics, two couples are most Sunday Catholic. The divorced one will attend if he is with the rest of us for holidays or events. (He also went to Notre Dame).

Our Ds did not attend Catholic schools, but attended CCD through confirmation. In HS they became very involved in sports and that left little room for church-teen activities.

When my daughters went to college, neither school was Catholic, and neither campus priest was compelling/interesting. That saddened me because I knew how GOOD it could be to have a vibrant community.

Both were/are college athletes and the schedule actually leaves little time for Mass attendance between travel and practice times. (I recently heard that Catholic University in DC schedules Masses for Athletes).

Now D1 is engaged to a young man who was raised Catholic and D2’s is also dating a Catholic man. D1 rarely attends Mass without it being tied to a family event, but I think the traditions still resonate as a connection to relatives. They are going to be married in a Catholic ceremony and are currently in the Pre Cana stage and they are enjoying the process. I don’t think they will attend with any fervency after the wedding, but they may return once they have kids.

If D2’s marries her young man, they will remain Catholic as it is a firm part of their relationship.

I don’t think either sought out a Catholic to date!

P.S. While no one has said it (unless I missed it), the problems within the Catholic Church have been part of the dissent. More recently, we wanted to move the wedding from our home parish, to the Catholic Church near the hotel where the January wedding will be held. That’s about 10 miles and within the same diocese. While our parish was OK with the move, the receiving parish was NOT. They were adamant that the marriage take place where it would be nurtured, etc. (Ha! They live three times zones away.) Of course we were willing to pay a facilities fee. That kind of arbitrary “rule” is the kind of thing that really grates and undermines the concept that the church is there to support these young people. (For those who want to know, you can get married at the Vatican with one year’s notice. You can get married at the Carmel Mission Basilica for a fee and your priest’s paperwork… etc).

39

Interesting conversation. My H and I were both raised as Jews. My family was upstate New York, small town conservative and my H, son of a Holocaust survivor, was raised in a very reform congregation. My family celebrated all the holidays, and my sisters and I all became Bat Mitzvah, even before it was commonplace for girls in many communities. My sister was one for the first in our area to read from the Torah on a Shabbat morning. My H’s family was significantly impacted by his father’s experiences and did not practice the religion, though they all identified as Jewish.

Fast forward, we joined a Reconstructionist congregation when our oldest was 5 and all 3 kids went to Sunday School and Hebrew School (3x week) through 10th grade. We never attended services on a regular basis but do still feel connected to our rabbi and our synagogue. Without my prodding all 3 attended services for the High Holidays when in college and even hosted Passover Sedars and Yom Kippur break fasts for friends. My D even sought out a small synagogue in Vienna when she studied abroad.

I decided early on that it was more important to me that they find the right partner than that person be Jewish. Interestingly enough, S1 and S2 have/will marry Jewish women and each asked our rabbi tp perform the ceremony. S1 and DIL have a 9 month old and are looking for a congregation to join so they will be able to make their own family traditions and have a Jewish community near their home. S2’s wedding will be celebrated by our rabbi and I suspect D would prefer to find a Jewish partner but she is not dating Jewish men, exclusively. Most importantly, I think they connect to the traditions and community aspect of Judaism, not so much the liturgy or rules. As far as I know, none are interested in keeping kosher or being Sabbath observant.

I’m just happy that they’ve found a way to stay connected with the traditions of our family and our history.

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I was the first in my synagogue to read the entire Torah and haftorah on a Saturday

Techmom, just wow to your family history.