My three children were raised Catholic, as in weekly mass and Sunday school. The oldest was confirmed as a teen, but after that, I could tell that she was questioning/distancing from the faith. She did/does attend a Jesuit college but that wasn’t a plus to her and she doesn’t participate in any religious activities or services at school, even though she feels and appreciates the Jesuit philosophies of service to others and the world, care of the whole person, etc. She doesn’t like to discuss the issue with me but I suspect if asked she would say that she was raised Catholic but no longer is. She does go to church with us willingly on holidays, probably because it is tradition and she knows it is important to me.
My middle was more active in the church throughout high school. While so far (he just started college) I do not see a willingness in him to check into Catholic groups, for example, and will not be seeking out or going to Mass at school, I am quite sure that he still believes and considers himself Catholic.
My youngest who is only 14, I can only guess. I think that he has faith, but does not like to practice it…he is the least engaged at Mass, although he does volunteer with our church still.
It’s probably hard to figure out patterns, because I think it does depend on the particular religion, the family structure and expectations, the culture and world around the child when he/she leaves home (as in, I think our US culture is becoming more secular and less churchgoing religious), who he/she is close to, whether a love interest or friends, and the child’s own unique personality. One pattern that I might guess could exist, but only because it is how mine went, is that I practiced my faith much more after becoming a parent, because I wanted to raise my kids in my faith. But I had definitely put my religion way WAY on the back burner as a teen and college student…and, just by luck, one of my freshman hallmates and I decided to check our our campus church one day and turned out to really really like the priest and his message. So I got a little more in touch, but then it wasn’t until marriage (I wanted to be married in a Catholic church, and there are requirements for that ) and kids that I truly became “practicing” again. I hope that this pattern holds for my kids, that they come back around to it if they leave, but am not sure that it will happen that way, especially with the oldest.
My parents were anti-religious as were my in laws but all felt it was very important that we understand our Jewish heritage. Judaism is unique in that it is your cultural heritage as well as a religion. My grandparents came from Germany and Russia but in no way considered themselves German or Russian. Same with my husbands German Polish and Lithuanian relatives. This is because the governments of those countries considered Jews to be Jews, not real citizens. My maternal grandparents were scientists ( my grandfather was a doctor…my grandmother a chemist who giot her college degree in 1924). Both considered themselves atheists.
Many Jews I knew growing up ( in a very Jewish area were raised similarly. God was seldom discussed. Being Jewish was. I often attended synagogue services with friends. I remember once a friend who wasn’t Jewish came with us and was shocked that the Rabbi did not mention God even once during his sermon.
I was raised ( as was my husband) with strong ethical imperatives. When I went to college I was one of the few Jews. During this time I found a fair amount of money on the street. I think it was $500. I turned it in to the police and also let university admin know. After six months the police called and said no one had claimed it from them or the university and it was mine. So I turned it over to my friend Annie the head of a campus charitable organization. I told her that I just didn’t feel right keeping money that someone had lost and that at least I could use it to help someone else. She said “ God will bless you now” and I kind of laughed and said that I was an atheist. The next day she and another girl from the organization saw me and cane up to thank me again. But the other girl was like “ Annie says you are an athiest? Why would you feel like you should give the money away if you don’t believe in God.” I was floored. And then when I told this story to others I was shocked at how several people said that they too thought someone who didn’t believe in God wouldn’t have good morals. Up unti that time I had no idea people thought this way. Even now I have a hard time wrapping my head around this concept. But I can see if you were raised to believe this that your children having some sort of religion would be important and that even if that was not the case you could feel that religion brought a comfort that you wanted your children to have. So unlike my parents I’m not anti religion. One of my kids is anti religious. Her heritage is not particularly important to her But would always say she is Jewish. The other believes in God and being Jewsish is important to her.
https://www.pewforum.org/2018/06/13/the-age-gap-in-religion-around-the-world/ suggests that younger people are less religious than older people in many countries around the world. They found that religiousness is inversely correlated to life expectancy and amount of schooling, but positively correlated to greater income inequality. Also, polling of religious service attendance for the 1930-1939 birth cohort found that weekly attendance increased as the cohort got older.
My kids were raised by me, to be bi-religious; my H played very little part in raising them in his faith, so that fell to me to raise them in his faith with their traditions and celebrations, and mine. My Ds do not practice any religion or faith, my S embraces both and goes with whatever takes his fancy at the time. I don’t see that changing any time soon…
I grew up in a hard core Maine French Canadian Catholic enclave. In my parents generation, Catholics only married Catholics, and French Canadian Catholics at that. My family was devout growing up and my mother carries on. My husband is some sort of Protestant. I didn’t even know Protestants existed until I was about 8-9 years old. We aren’t nonreligious, just never could adopt one way or another of being. Our daughter went to church once in a while, a Catholic service with her grandparents, a Protestant service here and there. My husband and I are still pretty meh about religious services and being tied to any specific religious focus even now. Though we do love traditional and contemporary Christian music
Our daughter, has met and lives with a nice young man whose mother is a priest and together they are regularly attending church of the same denomination near where they live now. She will likely become a member of this denomination.
Our children were raised in the Protestant faith, very active chuch family with lots of connection and participation that DH and I still have. When they launched, to my great disappointment they walked away and have never come back. We’ve talked at length about thhis and it seems to boil down to utility, opportunity, and the lack of their peers in the church as a whole. They will happily attend if I ask them to, but that is a “Mom card” I don’t want to use very often if at all. I can respect their choice but it does feel like failure; I agree with many, but not all, of their objections.
Only one of the extended family group (7 20-somethings) attends a religious service regularly even though they were all raised this way. One is actively hostile, the rest are dedicated to ambivalence. I have many thoughts about what churches are not doing for this demographic, but that’s not for this forum.
@greenbutton - I know. It feels a bit like a failure to me, too. We were much more purposeful about church participation than my own parents were with me. I wound up much more engaged than they ever were, yet de is not currently engaged at all. We have not had any specific discussions with him about current beliefs or lack thereof. It’s hard to have deep discussions when we generally only talk once a week for half and hour or so.
My husband was raised Catholic (even though his mother had actually been excommunicated for marrying a man who had been divorced!). I was raised a Reform Jew and educated through confirmation as such, at a time when bat/bar mitzvahs were briefly out of fashion. My parents had had minimal Jewish education and made sure their children had more. (Incidentally, as someone pointed out, Judaism is complex because it is a cultural - and genetic - heritage as well as a religion. Ashkenazi [European] Jews are a distinct ethnic group, and all are related at the level of 4th or 5th cousins.)
OK, back to the topic: My own religious practice is not much more than a few matzos and an excessive amount of Chanukah presents; I might have joined a temple years ago if Jews didn’t charge so much for temple membership - I think that’s where they lose a lot of people. My completely unreligious husband’s practice is limited to a Christmas tree, which I finally caved on and allowed into the house when the kids were in elementary school (and I was the one who wrapped the dang presents and marked them as “from Santa”!). The kids attended a Jewish preschool, a Quaker elementary school, and a high school with a loosely Christian affiliation. One child has been an atheist since he was able to think. The other has made some effort to connect with her Jewish heritage by going on a Birthright trip and participating in Hillel activities and education. However, she also participates in a Catholic intellectual organization at her university.
That was very long. Maybe I should go do some chores now…
I am a cradle Episcopalian and my husband grew up Presbyterian and got confirmed in the Episcopal church after we married. We tried to raise our kids in the church, but certainly didn’t make it there every week. Daughter went to Episcopal school through 6th grade. They were both confirmed in the church in junior high. They went to boarding school (late HS for my daughter and earlier for son) and church pretty much went out the window, although they had chapel at my son’s schools. Daughter got very involved in Episcopal campus ministry in college (Rice) and felt a calling to the priesthood. She went through the discernment process and on to Divinity School/seminary. She has been a priest for about 8 years and is Rector of a very liberal church in our diocese. Son doesn’t have a lot to do with the church, but will go with us if he is home on holidays and occasionally surprises us by attending a service where he lives.
I understand the rise of atheism among those raised with religion. I think in terms of outgrowing religion. With so many competing dogmas it is easy to believe man created god, not vice versa, and religions became a way to make societies work. Looking back at my family tree it is easy to understand why people were brand x or y. Rituals and traditions are comforting and belonging is as well. I also see where any religion needs to proclaim it is the one and only way- otherwise why adhere to it?
Modern generations are exposed to so much beyond the family’s roots, mixing with others. I’m sure sociologists have examined religions and their common threads, plus reasons their practices exist. Back in the day it was a sin to not go to church every Sunday (and holy day). That’s one way to keep people involved. Stating yours in the only way and trying to convert is another. Being a chosen people. So many ways.
But- religions will always exist because they fulfill needs. Unfortunately society can have religion as a basis for much social life, excluding nonbelievers. We found this true when many family secular activities revolved around churches. Time spent within the fold means less time with those not in it.
Heartbreaking as it may seem to parents whose children diverge they need to consider this. At some point, whether years or hundreds to thousands of years ago, children embraced a new idea and abandoned their parents’ beliefs. Even very old religions such as Hinduism and Judaism were new concepts at one time and evolved into varying branches.
Could go on and on.
Dh and I are both jewish but, for dh, it’s purely cultural and, for me, a little more observant (reform). Dh didn’t care if the kids were raised with religion that was observed but I did so the kids started at age 3 and went through bat mitzvah with their choice to continue to confirmation. All 3 did, largely because it was very social and there was a teen Israel trip post confirmation. They even continued for the 11th/12th grade programs, attending when they could. Once launched, the oldest two attended high holiday services on occasion and both have hosted seders and one a Hanukah party. Deep down, two really identify as jews; I’m not sure my youngest really cares.
I agree that judaism is an interesting religion, especially the reform movement. One of our rabbis discussed questioning whether God exists and understanding why some do not believe and that that is acceptable within our faith. There’s also a huge emphasis on 'repairing the world" (community service) and a strong focus on helping people in communities outside the Jewish community.
While I’d love it if my kids chose partners that are Jewish, it’s not looking that way thus far. Only one is close-ish to a permanent commitment and his family is Christian (he is indifferent) but they’ve agreed that the kids will be raised Jewish but will also experience Christianity through grandparents.
Regarding Judaism. One of the unique situations in that one can be Jewish by ancestry or religion, or both. Is it the ethnicity or the beliefs that matter to a given person? So much religion seems to be carrying on traditions. And similar to various ethnic groups sticking to the people from their area, whether it be as narrow as a country or as wide as a continent.
Speaking of the mix of ethnicity/culture & religion, even if I was religious, it would be strange to go to the Eastern Orthodox Church bc unlike my father, I don’t speak the language (& there are no living relatives that do).
Even as a kid, I sorta felt like an outsider there since my parents had a “mixed” marriage & we only spoke English.
Interesting to dig up those old memories!
My mother was an adult convert to Catholicism. My father was baptized by a river tent evangelical preacher. (I have no idea what denomination.) All of us kids were raised Catholic–mass every Sunday, Catholic schools through 12 grades, Catholic college for my brother & myself, first communion, confirmation–the whole deal. I stopped attending church as soon as I left for college. My sister has cycled through various religions since high school. (She was a Hare Krishna for while and I remember being humiliated during high school because she used to be recruiting/testifying at the local mall every weekend.) My brother is a lay deacon in his local Catholic diocese. I vacillate between agnosticism and atheism.
My husband’s family–his mother was a small town Methodist and a church goer all her life until she became too ill to regularly attend services. Dh’s father came from an observant Orthodox Jewish family. My FIL was never bar mitzvahed because he could never manage to learn to read Hebrew. (I suspect today he would be called severely dyslexic. He never read above about a 3rd or 4th grade level and failed to graduate from high school.) DH was raised Methodist (though I’m not sure if he was ever baptized) and attended church with his mother until he was old enough to object–sometime in junior high. He always said he was scientist because he believed in science, not god.
Our children were not raised any particular religion. We allowed our daughters to participate in activities and services with their friends of varying religions backgrounds. D1 studied Judaism with a rabbi for several weeks; she also spent several weeks investigating Catholicism with the Newman Center priest at her college. Ultimately she decided she was an atheist. (D1 once took a world religions class as part he her religious explorations. The section on Christianity was taught by the local diocese’s head theologian and personal theological advisor to the Cardinal. During the class, students were asked to write down their conception/understanding of Jesus. D1 wrote: " Some old dude who is alleged to have lived 2000 years ago. Possibly the world’s first recorded zombie." She was sure she was gonna fail the class.)
D2 has been an outspoken atheist since early high school.
D1 married a man who was raised Catholic, but is now an atheist. They plan to raise their children as atheists.
LOL- the concept of “mixed marriage” from decades ago. My aunt had one- her H was Protestant (gasp) and learning to convert to Catholicism before his early death. Not even the Christian-Jewish kind. I strayed waay far when I married my Hindu raised H. My mother was deceased by then and there was dead silence on the phone when I told my F it wasn’t going to be a Catholic wedding (H was okay with it but I refused to promise a Catholic upbringing). Called back a week later and he happily attended the ceremony a few months later. I found out only one godparent needs to be Catholic when my brother asked me to do the honors. He told me that was okay because only one had to be such- and he hadn’t gone to church in many months. Guess who carried the torch for religion in his family… Historically a maternal ancestor was a minister and abolitionist in Europe- my mother reported her father served the priest (Catholic of course, she converted from Episcopalian- her mother had English roots) a double (ie 2 shots of liquor in one serving).
I guess people can see where I get my views on ethnicity influences on specific religion from my history.
I have a number of friends who thought they had married non-observent Jews who suddenly discovered that when children came into the picture it was very important to keep up Jewish traditions. I think the history of pogroms and of course the Holocaust is a big factor. My husband mother was a Christian-Scientist and his father was a Jew. Growing up they mostly celebrated the Christian holidays, but as they got older his Dad got more involved in Judaism again and we often celebrated the Jewish holidays in a low key way. When my MIL got dementia the Christian-Science church wouldn’t let her attend services and my SIL who looked after her left the church and has never returned. They had the Quaker style memorial for her at the meeting room at the Quaker School where she had been a librarian. FIL’s service was at the synagogue he attended after my MIL passed away.
@mathmom, I think that becoming observant happens to a lot of new parents regardless of the religion. I walked away from my faith for a long time, but then when I had kids, I sought a framework in which to raise them. Religious participation definitely helps with that.
And sometimes, losses can drive people back to faith, either the one they were raised in, or something new. I was half-heartedly looking for churches when my kids were very little and my search got a lot more serious as the result of a family tragedy. I felt that life was too brief and could end too suddenly and I wanted to find meaning.
My H and I are both cradle Presbyterians… Ds very active throughout HS. Both stayed connected in college - one in town attended our church and got involved in campus ministry. Other involved in campus ministry but different denomination (fine by me. Wanted her to connect with fellow believers and chaplain regardless of denomination). With both best friends/circle of friends also very involved in religious activities which I think helped. Youngest is in PhD theology program, and although not interested in local church ministry she still loves Montreat conference center Ds went to for many years and has done summer work there including adult planning team member this year. So both have stayed connected. Church is still my main source of involvement outside the home.
@bookworm -
That is an amazing accomplishment. Was it a special situation?
I didn’t know about much of the family history until I was in college. I wanted to study Russian and my grandma became so upset and finally told me the stories. I dropped the class.
H and I came from nominally Catholic and dysfunctional families. We rediscovered the Catholic faith in our adulthood. H attends Mass most days. I usually just go on Sunday and Holy Days but I pray at home everyday, and my kids see me praying and reading my Bible.
As of now, all of our children still go to church on Sundays and holy days. Each of us still goes to Confession on their own schedule. All of my kids pray regularly in some form, some with regular special devotions. We still pray the Rosary everyday and the kids who are with us participate most of the time.
We might be different from many Catholic families in that we all have our own strong preferences for the Catholic churches (conservative or liberal) and the rite (traditional Latin or ordinary) we prefer, and so now that the kids are getting older those of us still at home tend split up in different ways on Sundays, three and one or two and two. This makes H a little sad since he prefers us to be together. But I don’t mind so much because, in my mind, each kid has to make the choice on their own and develop that relationship.
My grown kids have a very active faith life now that they are on their own. They attend Catholic churches but will also attend/lead Bible studies and worship events with other Christian groups and have mixed groups of friends, including a dearly loved and appreciated Jewish best friend. I would be surprised if my youngest daughter will likely follow a path similar to those older two since she is already getting involved in youth leadership.
FWIW, I never pushed church group involvement, but my policy has been, if my kids asked to go, I would drive them anywhere anytime if an activity was potentially faith building…with a big smile on my face.
My third child is losing her faith to some degree, I think. She has special needs and she often felt like an outsider at the small church she grew up in. She had some bad experiences in church and with church people that have been hard to overcome. So there is a strong chance she might not continue to attend church or practice her faith once she goes away to college next year.