My H is a pastor, so our kids were raised in our small protestant denomination. I am at the point where I wish I could stay home on Sunday mornings, but I go to church since church is my H’s job and I don’t contribute to the household income. It would cause issues for him if I stayed home.
Our D is now married and in her final year of med school. She sometimes attends church of a different (but closely related) denomination because it is closer to where she lives. She thinks nothing of doing other things on a Sunday if it means being with good friends and missing church. I think she goes to church at least monthly. She very well could change denominations once she is settled in her residency. She and her H will choose together what church they want to sometimes attend.
Our S just recently got a retail job that schedules him for Sunday mornings quite often. He will not ask to be scheduled later in the day and not be scheduled on Sunday mornings and he will come to church if he doesn’t have to work.
My H is also a pastor, in a progressive Protestant denomination, and I was raised and very involved in the same denomination. We met in church when H was in seminary. Our kids were raised in the church, since that’s where we were on Sundays (and often during the week), but when they became old enough to stay home unaccompanied, they could choose not to attend. Both stayed involved through HS.
In college, D attended occasionally, but it was not easy for her to attend without a car. When she graduated from college, she joined a church in her new city (same denomination) and played in their handbell choir until she accepted an international transfer. She attends church occasionally now, but not every Sunday.
In HS S considered atheism, but did not find it particularly convincing. He didn’t attend church in college (often conflicted with his work study job) and attends when visiting us, but not otherwise. He is engaged to marry a young woman who is LDS. He is not converting and she will marry outside of her church tradition.
@bookworm - I know her mother isn’t thrilled., but they love her and like my S. She isn’t leaving her tradition but is marrying outside her faith. She is quite progressive in her views and doesn’t always adhere to the party line. It will be interesting for sure.
In our family I (a man in a cisgendered hetero couple) was the driver of our religious engagement. We joined a Reconstructionist synagogue; our kids went to Hebrew School from 1st - 7th grades, and both were bar/bat mitzvahs. We attended Shabbat services frequently (but not every week) and observed major holidays, but were not “observant” at all in the usual sense of the word. We did not even suggest to our kids that it was important to us that they marry Jews,
Our daughter never really liked religious practice, and she opted out as soon as she could, well before leaving for college. She readily identifies herself as Jewish, but does not participate at all in any kind of Jewish religious practice. The guy she married is an angry ex-Catholic / militant atheist. They are expecting their first child, and it will be interesting to see what choices they make. I know they went to meeting for worship at a Quaker meeting house a couple of times, but so far nothing much has come of that. (Our daughter spent 11 years in a Quaker school.)
Our son has always been naturally spiritual. He did maintain some intermittent Jewish religious practice through college and beyond, and he’s even a member of a synagogue he rarely attends. He married a committed, somewhat observant Hindu. Raising their (future) children as Hindus was a ground rule from the very start of their relationship. (She didn’t take dating a non-Hindu lightly.) She supports our son retaining his Jewish identity and Jewish practice, and her children understanding their relationship to Judaism, but it’s not something she expects to be a part of.
I’m Catholic. My ex-H was at one time more religious than I am, but then became militantly anti-Church. I did my best to inculcate the Catholic faith, but it didn’t work. My adult child married in the Church, but spouse was raised Protestant. They don’t attend Church and kids are being raised with no particular faith–though the older ones were baptized. It’s disappointing to me and they know that, but it is what it is…
I am pretty sure I know why kids in our area becoming atheists. Our public high school had so many English projects where they had to defend their own faith, discussed different faiths, and read books like Waiting for Godot. I believe many of the teachers are atheists, and I wish they’d leave religion out of the schools because, as I’ve seen, it can swing both ways. I can’t believe parents haven’t caught on that this is happening. My kids were raised Methodist, so we consider ourselves fairly liberal, but our public school upsets me. My youngest son transferred to a Jesuit high school and loved it. He now belongs to a very conservative “non-denominational” church, and married a like-minded young woman he met through a campus ministries group. My oldest son attended a catholic college and married a fellow student, who was catholic. They attend a Methodist church on occasion. My daughter just married a disenchanted catholic. They say they do not like organized religion, which makes me sad.
Kids learn from multiple sources. Even if you do your best to demonstrate a good relationship with religion, that doesn’t mean that everyone else around you is doing a good job too.
Example:
My confirmation classes (Missouri Synod Lutheran) didn’t do anything interesting or engaging re: Bible discussion. We watched videos about how dinosaurs were lies.
For those like @Toledo who are sad/ disappointed about their child not keeping the faith in which they were raised is the reason that you feel this was that you believe 1) it will be hard for you child to find comfort during difficult times 2) it will be hard for your child to find meaning in life 3)your child’s after life could be adversely affected 4) it will be hard for your child to do good things without religious proscription. A combination of some or all of these? Something I am missing? I have no feeling that any of these reasons are invalid but I am genuinely curious as to the reasons for the feeling.
I was raised in an evangelical Christian denomination and have been heavily involved in a non-denominational Christian church (very contemporary style) throughout my children’s lives. As a family we attended regularly, kids were involved in youth group, etc. I insisted kids attend church or youth group through high school (which I regret in retrospect). Son said in high school he no longer considered himself a Christian and would probably now call himself an atheist. Daughter probably still considers herself a Christian, but her faith is not important to her and she never attended a campus church or Christian group. Both kids do attend holiday services with us as a family
I am sad about this, but realize they have to make their own choices, and I freely give them that choice. I also know they could return to strong faith in the future/when they are parents themselves. In answer to Maya54, I feel like they are missing out on so much that I enjoy as a Christian…greater purpose in life, peace and comfort in life’s challenges, belief that God works all things out for our good (which puts struggles into a different perspective), the profound understanding of grace, and the freedom from striving to be good enough. I know that apart from the Christian faith they will still experience many of these things as so many others do. But for me, they are so wrapped up in my faith and identity as a Christian. They are both good people and live moral lives. But I’m sorry they are missing out on what I find most significant in my life.
Amen to that last statement. I wish so much more charity work did not invoke any religion- some of us find it hard to let them push their views using our money/time et al. Being good, moral, ethical… has nothing to do with belonging to any particular group- as conflicting views of those organizations prove. Parents- be happy if your adult child has the good attributes regardless if they believe as you do or attend your church.
Waiting for Godot makes children atheists?! I have no idea what the religious beliefs of my kid’s high school teachers were, though biology class did teach real science. The only time I remember religion coming up was Hemingway’s use of religious symbolism in The Old Man and the Sea.
Thought I’d add a “kid’s” perspective, as someone who found a faith I connected with only in college and beyond. My parents are both what I’d call spiritually Christian, but because they had grown up in VERY different denominations, they never seemed to participate in organized religion more than saying grace before family meals, and going to church on Christmas Eve and Easter-- at least since I’ve been alive. We tried going to a local, contemporary non-denominational church for a few weeks when I was young, and I went to Mass with one set of grandparents if I stayed with them over a weekend. I never really connected with the non-denominational side because it always felt too contemporary and removed from tradition, and while I was baptized Catholic as a baby, I had not had a first communion or confirmation so I couldn’t fully participate in Mass. So I kind of teetered on the edge of “spiritual” and “agnostic” for quite a while, never quite comfortable with either.
Fast forward to college, and I discovered how many different faiths there were in the US (I grew up overseas), particularly Christian. I met my boyfriend, whose mom is an Episcopal priest (mind blown–a woman priest with a kid???). Then I went to church with him when we were visiting his mom and I was even more amazed. I was allowed and encouraged to fully participate in all parts of the service, which also featured traditional hymns performed by an organist and choir. Having gone back several times, I felt that I was part of a close-knit community. When my boyfriend and I moved to a new city this May, we found the nearest Episcopal church, and have attended on most Sundays since. I am so glad I have found my religious “fit”.
One of my best friends in college became an Episcopalian priest after saying she was an atheist through most of college. I went to a high school that sang from their hymnal every day, even though we were supposedly non-denominational. I really like their services.
@maya54 All of those are reasons why I wish my kids would participate in organized religion. My daughter would help anyone who needed it, but she doesn’t search out those in need. Churches can do a good job with this. I know my church has really opened my eyes to needs around the world and in my own backyard.
Nutshell for family growing up – faith most important thing, not going to push it on you but also won’t apologize for believing.
Daughter believes but does not attend service or participate in organized religion. Her husband comes from Roman Catholic/Jewish background and is unsure. Son attended one of the largest party schools, faith renewed/strengthened, attends community group/church regularly and is focused on church planting. I pray.
As an aside, we vacationed with Agnostics, Jewish, Christians, Atheists and Unsures (politics all over the place!!!). In a world where there is less and less of a “we can agree to disagree” philosophy, my back pocket encouragement is from Timothy Keller: “You can love without agreeing with someone. You can disagree without hating them.” I was grateful no arguable topics came up and we all basically gained five pounds – a good vacation.
@pilot2012 This is the philosophy I had when raising my kids. I brought them to church, but made it clear that it was something we did, not something they had to do. And when they got to the middle school years, there were days when they chose to sleep in rather than coming with me.
@massmomm – I can relate to your kiddos – I’ve been a “sleeper” And this just sends my mom over the edge – I’m wearing jeans tonight to church, rebel that I am.
I have actually used the word “fit” @Goatgirl19 and am so grateful my son has found his. His church inspires him to ask questions, study, be invested in this world while not of it, etc. He was raised ELCA Lutheran, but his church now is Acts 29. I am in awe of their missional engagement/pursuit and connection with each other and community. Oh, and you can be a hands up or not, all are welcome.
I’m hoping that my daughter finds her “fit.” With podcasts, online services/resources, etc. and additional services days and times, so many more opportunities to learn. I share when I’ve listened to something particularly relevant; she and her husband will listen as they get dinner ready or on a run.