<p>Does your S or D insist on waiting until the last minute to begin difficult tasks? Does he or she ignore advice and blunder around learning everything the hard way? This is a description of my very smart S, and the maddening thing is he’s just like I was at his age, and I know how much time I wasted. I’ve done OK, but I could have done better if I’d listened to some wiser folks. I’d love to hear stories of kids, or adults like this who survived and thrived.</p>
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<p>Strong willed son of strong willed parents in our family. You survived and passed along your habits et al… I hope to live long enough for him to be willing to admit some stuff- but then, knowing his father…</p>
<p>Sorry, I don’t have the survived part yet, but definitely have the son who sounds like what you are talking about. He is VERY smart, but was a late bloomer socially. If he ever latches on to something he really cares about (besides video games), he will do amazing things. Meanwhile, I’m watching him make mistakes that may impact his future in negative ways, and it DRIVES ME nuts. I’m learning patience… </p>
<p>Oh, I have one of these. She MUST do everything herself. Doesn’t take advice worth a d***. Once we were visiting a college and they mentioned that last year the supplemental essay prompt had been about at time when you took someone’s advice and how it turned out. Well… we mulled it over during the four hour ride home, and over the next few weeks. And ultimately agreed we could not come up with ONE time when she had taken someone else’s advice. So yeah… </p>
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<p>Ha!</p>
<p>OP, my D was exactly like that. She’s now a 22-yr-old college graduate, starting her grownup life in a new city, with a job she loves. So yes, there’s hope. </p>
<p>If your S is in HS, I’m not sure this would be a good idea, but here’s how it happened for us:</p>
<p>When she was home for summer after her sophomore year, it was constant friction. We thought she wasn’t taking care of business like we thought she should (about getting a job, e.g.), so we were all over her about various things. She, on the other hand, saw herself as an adult who knew perfectly well what she needed to do, and didn’t need interfering parents treating her like a child.</p>
<p>The three of us sat down one day to hash it out. She pointed out that she had lived away from us for most of the last two years, without our daily supervision, and was doing perfectly fine. She also pointed out that she’d never done anything to make us think we couldn’t trust her to take care of what she needed to take care of. We pointed out that she was living in our house for the moment, and that she couldn’t just ignore our values, priorities, and feelings. We also pointed out that we had a lot more life experience than she did, and sometimes we could see problems and pitfalls that she couldn’t. Finally, (and importantly, I think), we all agreed to all of those points.</p>
<p>So what we agreed on was: DH and I would stop with the unsolicited advice, reminders, and management of her life. But we agreed on a signal if we see something that really concerns us: the phrase “I have a concern about ____.” D has the option to ask to hear our concern, or to say, “Thank you,” meaning she doesn’t want to hear it. If she doesn’t want to hear it, we respect her wishes and that’s the end of it.</p>
<p>So we put it into action, and it was rough for a while! I bit my tongue A LOT. But as D felt more and more that we trusted her, and stopped hearing so much of what she perceived as negativity from us, our relationship got much better. She was actually more willing to share with us, and to listen to us. It was truly liberating for us, too, after the initial period of withdrawal from being involved in her daily business. I know there was a deadline crisis or two in her last two years of college, but guess what – I didn’t have to live through them! And yet she managed to get them done apparently, and graduated (cum laude) without any help from us. And as I said above, she’s had a good launch out into the world.</p>
<p>Oddly, we only used the “concern” signal a couple of times, early on. In both cases, D was more than willing to listen. I guess it makes a difference whether or not she has the choice. </p>
<p>So I don’t know what the HS equivalent of our little odyssey would be. We didn’t start treating her like an adult until she had already been acting like one for a while, and maybe that was wrong of us. But hang in there. It does get better!</p>
<p>I have one and I know where I get the gene from. It has to be her idea, as long as she thinks it’s her way then she is ok with it, right or wrong. I’m not sure I turned out well or not well, but I have to say I be glad to sing one of Frank Sinatra’s song, I did it my way, and I’m sure there are reasons now.</p>
<p>That was definitely me as a kid. When going to work during the summer 3-5 miles away from our house, I would insist on biking there despite offers to drive me and the hilly terrain. I think it was something about having my own ideas and being independent. Oddly enough, for most of it, it was centered around my parents. If someone else suggested that idea, I would probably be open to the suggestion.</p>
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<p>Thanks all, it’s a comfort to hear your experiences, I’m taking a deep breath and deciding that mulishness is not fatal. I became much more open to outside information as I aged and had lived through some of the avoidable consequences of my nature, I imagine he will also. I just was hoping to spare him some head banging. Thanks LasMa for some very useful suggestions!</p>
<p>This is more male;s feature, females tend to plan a lot.
Again, my D. was soooo busy all thru HS and college and now that she cannot afford doing it in a last minute, she never had a chance to have a last minute, it was not there for her. So, her life (not her parents) pushed her to be a planner. When you spend 3 hours every night on sport practice and required to go to bed (by me) no later than 10pm, and you have several other time consuming ECs (one is piano with required every day practice), you will push yourself to plan especially if the personal goal is an A in every class (again, it was her personal goal, not her parents). And she sould not quit any of her activities, no way. Since both of my grandkids are the same, I tend to think that busier they are, the more they tend to plan since they have no other choice. You want your A and you wnat to play 4 instruments, do sports and have fun with friends, you better do you homework on time. At least, that is what my 13 y o grandS told me.<br>
Another thing is both of us have been working full time, my S. and his wfe also, not much time on watching over and pushing kids, they seem to push themselves much more effectively than any of us would do.</p>
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<p>Well, you do have to keep an eye on it. 
Several weeks ago my D cut herself with a box cutter while moving between dorm rooms at her college campus where she has a summer research job. Deep sort of stab on her thigh, happened at about 8 pm (right after nearby urgent care closed, of course. She called me and texted a picture once she had stopped the bleeding. I told her she should go to an ER and get a few stitches (looked up the address for her and told her I could get a cab company phone number), but she balked. I suggested she call campus security to get an adult opinion on whether she should go get stitches, and they could also help her arrange a cab or a ride to the ER. Nope… no go. So…I told her to wash it, and maybe have one of her friends walk to a nearby drugstore for some SteriStrips. I do think she washed it…</p>
<p>Next day she decides to go to urgent care, but too late for stitches. They tell her to come back for a wound check three days later. She doesn’t want to go, but I was VERY insistent. Sure enough… it was infected. But she putzes around enough about going for the wound check that the pharmacy was closed for the night. She says she will go as soon as they open the next morning.</p>
<p>So… I text her around pharmacy opening time next a.m. and she is at her research job, does not want to go get the antibiotics until 5:00 after work. I tell her that if I have to fly out there because she is in the hospital because of this, I am going to be VERY unhappy, and she needs to tell her professor and take a little time off to walk over and pick up the antibiotics. Which she finally did, and it healed up well once she started taking them.</p>
<p>She said after starting the antibiotics, “I admit, I mishandled this from the beginning.” I asked what she would do next time, and she said she would call Campus Security and go for stitches if they said so. Her sister told her, “Next time you should just listen to mom to start with!”. Pretty sure that isn’t happening, though…</p>
<p>I have been told at least 10 times by my youngest D “I wish I had listened to you”. But…she still doesn’t…no matter how many times I remind her of her previous statement.</p>
<p>“Experience is a dear school, but a fool will learn in no other.” Ben Franklin.</p>
<p>(recalled by someone who has spent much avoidable time in that classroom)</p>
<p>intparent, that is hard, mine is the opposite, she goes to the doctor for everything. I’m more like your daughter, I got a cut in my leg from the edge of a bank and I didn’t go to the doctor for stiches. It took forever to heal, that was two-three years ago. Same with broken my right foot, I should have gone to the doctor, but I put on ice and let it heal. This morning I acupunctured myself accidentally with the rose bush. But so far I have no infection, I tend to heal fast, I also put peroxide over my cut, maybe that’s why. </p>
<p>My DD is exactly this way. BUT in addition to rarely taking advice from anyone, she complains to her mother about how her life is not the way she wants it to be…BUT if mom makes even a minor suggestion or comment, DD becomes angry and does not want to hear it.</p>
<p>So what is a mother to do? </p>
<p>It’s one thing for a child to not want to hear advice from a parent and not listen to anything That’s hard enough on the parent. BUT when your child complains about her life and then WILL not allow you to respond with any type of advice, it makes it exasperatingly frustrating to be the parent.</p>
<p>Anyone experience this? Any advice from a parent who feels beyond frustrated and exhausted!</p>
<p>Questbest; I think in this instance we need to nod and commiserate and believe that they are not asking us for a solution. Very hard being the Mom and doing this but I think this is what they want. </p>
<p>My son has always been this way (part of the reason he’s an only child :). He will be 23 in a few months. I see ‘glimmers’ of reasonableness and a very occasional willingness to take advice. He has on a number of occasions admitted we were right but that doesn’t seem to stop him from ignoring our advice, dragging his feet, etc. He is off the charts smart and yet seems to lack some basic common sense. He refuses, absolutely refuses to ask for help from anyone and will still refuse help even when it’s offered to him. Because of this, he has suffered some failures over the course of his 4 years at college. Nothing he can’t recover from but I do feel sad sometimes watching him put himself through such trials when there is a much easier way to conduct one’s life. Some kids simply have to experience it for themselves before they will believe others.</p>
<p>Intparent, had to chuckle just a tiny bit about your daughter and the laceration (I’m sure you didn’t think it was funny at the time). That is exactly the type of thing my son does…over and over again. It drives me crazy!</p>
<p>@MomLive, I was just nodding along with your post and thinking how alike our kids are. We probably want to make sure they never meet… that would be a disastrous combination. 
Mine is not an only, but she was the second and last!</p>
<p>The rule here is: Don’t complain unless you are willing to take action to improve the situation." Texting the picture of a cut would count as complaining. </p>
<p>My DS likes things to be his idea. I too must bite my tongue at times but we both are getting better. I state my reasons for my suggestions and he takes them or doesn’t. He is currently peeling on about 1/2 his body because sunscreen was deemed unimportant. I put aloe gel on the original burn but have not fussed since. I hope we do better with test prep. :-). </p>
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<p>It was quite a cut, I actually think she did the first thing she thought of, which was contact her mom (me). (Warms my heart a tiny bit, I guess). I don’t think she had thought through what I would tell her to do ahead of time. She is the type who would go hide in the bushes as a kid when she got hurt, a little like a wild animal. She is quite introverted, so the stress of calling a cab (or campus police) and talking to strangers at that moment might have been part of the problem. She generally isn’t one to complain very often.</p>