kid drove drunk last night-consequences?

Parent Cafe
1

<p>First time for us. I have done a search and reread the alcohol posts.</p>

<p>Kid who will be a sophomore (college) went out last night. I was not expecting them home until next day as discussed. 5 am the doorbell rings and friend brought kid home drunk. kid left a party and was driving around and friends stopped them and wrestled the keys away. father went with sober friend who brought kid home and collected car.</p>

<p>Fortunately no accident occurred. </p>

<p>Feedback on appropriate consequences appreciated.</p>

2

<p>The first thing I’d want to know is has Kid learned anything and what are Kid’s feelings about the situation. </p>

<p>IMO consequences – car vanishes. How long depends on how repentant Kid is. And how you feel with trust shattered. First reaction is until the end of the summer. Second reaction is until August 1. Your mileage may vary.</p>

3

<p>Oh yeah, that license is so impounded.</p>

4

<p>I agree with taking away car privileges- lessons learned or not. The duration would probably depend on the circumstances. If it were my own son right now, heading off to college and planning to take his car, the car would stay home for the first semester, and he would lose the car, and driving privileges, for the summer as well.
. Your son is very fortunate that he had friends who cared enough to go after him.</p>

5

<p>Obviously, kid loses car keys and use of car for whatever length of time you and husband agree is appropriate. I’d also make kid write (not e-mail, not phone call, not text message) a thank you note to the friend who intercepted him/her and provided a ride home. This friend may have saved kid’s life, and kid needs to acknowledge that. If kid is embarassed at having to write the note, tough. If kid just finished freshman year, it’s unlikely that s/he is of legal drinking age. So not only did sober friend possibly save kid’s life, friend saved kid a possible ticket and points on his/her license. Kid owes this friend a MAJOR show of gratitude.</p>

6

<p>Great addition, marcyr.</p>

7

<p>Teach him how to use public transit and explain how it beats walking since he’ll no longer have a car at his disposal.</p>

8

<p>How frightening for you! I agree with comments above re: car/license. What is current relationship like with your son? Is he going though an especially oppositional/independent phase? Do you have reason to believe that alcohol is a problem for him outside of this incident?
Other than limiting car access, I’d give myself plenty of time before settling on a course of action (after my immediate emotions subsided).</p>

9

<p>Confiscating the license until 21 sounds about right…That’s the least the state would have done to him. Many states offer alternative photo ID for traveling purposes, if he doesn’t already have a passport to use for official ID.</p>

<p>Beyond that, I would send him to spend the rest of the summer with Mini or ID.</p>

10

<p>In my state, an alcohol evaluation would also have been ordered by the judge (at least this is what I’ve encountered).</p>

11

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<p>LOL, Driver. I think Mini would get him to figure out how to earn plane fare to India or Sri Lanka to help with tsunami relief (yes, the impact of the tsunami is still being felt there.)</p>

12

<p>Take keys away for at least six months. Safety comes before being popular with your son.</p>

13

<p>My friend’s mom takes her keys away at night because she was caught drunk driving.</p>

14

<p>Thanks…I’m listening…kid has had at least one other alcohol mishap that did not involve driving…</p>

<p>thoughts I have had-</p>

<p>loss of license is a given–I figure rest of the summer anyway.</p>

<p>possibly the state alcohol class at kid’s expense</p>

<p>community service of my choosing</p>

<p>having a recovered alcoholic that I know who was a passenger in an alcohol related accident that resulted in a innocent man’s death take kid to an AA meeting and have a talk about alcohol…This person started drinking beer in high school and lost 20 years of their life before entering a program and getting sober.</p>

15

<p>Two known incidents means many, many more that you don’t know about. I agree, yank license and car. As for alcohol class, cmmunity service-- I say, make it HIS problem to figure out what he can do to earn his way back into your good graces.</p>

<p>Hang tough mom.</p>

<p>PS I agree, the friends were really good to him. That should be recognized.</p>

16

<p>That is very serious–far beyond a schoolboy prank or a one-off evening out. Cyber hugs to you momoffour. I would move heaven and earth to address what looks like a serious drinking problem.</p>

<p>State alcohol classes for sure but also some individual and family therapy sessions might be in order. The 17 year old daughter of a freind of ours was found by the police after a prom, passed out drunk, on a lawn miles away from the prom. The parents stopped their lives to address the problem. </p>

<p>The whole family went to several therapy sessions with a psychologist who specialized in teens and teen substance abuse… The parents got terrific information about teen alcoholism. The daughter was doubly mortified that both parents attended the sessions. They never had another incident.</p>

<p>Another thing I would do is gather his grounded male friends and ask them for their advice to help put your son back on the rails–if your relationship with the boys is good and if there are a few grounded boys in the group. If your son has been self-medicating, the boys will express that worry–even without you asking. I would directly ask for their help over the next two years–to help you keep him alive and safe.</p>

<p>This is the kind of incident where a parent looks at the overall life of the boy and evaluates if he is in the right set of friends, in the right school, struggling enough to self-medicate. Don’t let anybody tell you it’s a boys will be boys deal. Don’t assume that because he has two parents who don’t need to drink that he will grow out of it. He survived that suicidal drive through the grace and courage of his friends. Period.</p>

<p>The punishment. No car for a year --other than running daytime errands for you. Also, I’d take away the mobile phone if he has one. That is one item kids cannot live without.</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

17

<p>-parents confiscate license for extended period of time (at least three months);</p>

<p>-attendance at three or four AA meetings, and preparation of essay about the meetings;</p>

<p>-community service related to the offense;</p>

<p>-see counselor to determine nature and extent of alcohol problem.</p>

18

<p>One of the older “kids” here. My thoughts:</p>

<p>-Obviously, license goes for some appropriate length of time.
-Marcyr’s idea of a thank-you letter is a good one. Now, I know that you’re really really trying to do the right thing here and this is obviously NOT in anway way your fault… but… a thank-you letter from you and your H to the friend would be great. A very simple, “Thanks for being a good enough friend to Son; we’re so happy that you guys know each other,” is in order. (I know, off topic, off topic.)
-Make sure you explain to your son that the punishment will be the same no matter how you find out - friend, smelling his breath in the am, or a late-night call to bail him out. </p>

<p>I go to school in a small town. The police are, well, small-town police who like to bust people for doing anything that could be wrong. I have a few friends who acquired DUIs as a result. There are big, big consequences. Depending on your state, there can be automatic arrest; depending on your level of intoxication, there can be automatic jail time for up to a week. DUIs have to be reported on bar applications, applications to law school, and things like a security clearance. Please emphasize to your son how very important this all is. Should he have been nailed by a cranky police officer, the consequences would have been disastrous. Loss of license. Fines. Alcohol screening. Community service. Reporting of this for pretty much his entire life on job applications. </p>

<p>Zeus always stressed to me, when I was growing up, that I have to be careful when driving. He said that he wasn’t worried about my driving; he was worried about the other idiot. If your son is impaired, the “other idiot” goes from being a near-miss that he forgets about by the time he gets home to a horrific accident. PLEASE stress to your kids that you tell them not to drive when they are tired or intoxicated not just because of the laws, but because they cannot drive defensively and cannot avoid accidents otherwise. It’s not about him getting home without doing anything stupid; it’s about him being aware enough to avoid some other drunk guy.</p>

<p>Now, back to the issue at hand. As a soon-to-be-lawyer, I’ll advise against immediately enrolling him in the alcohol education class if it requires any sort of disclosure. Try to find one that is administered through a local college.</p>

<p>Insurance is another issue. Many insurers will either not pay for accidents caused by drunk driving or will drop people from policies if they get a DUI. At the very least, the premiums will go through the roof. To that end, if you pay for your son’s insurance, I would suggest having him pay it himself for at least a year.</p>

19

<p>I say do not take away the phone, the sober kid used it to get ahold of parent and that is what we want- as a parent I want my kid to have that phone</p>

<p>With this kid, you need to be able to contact them and they NEED to check in and with no phone, that wold be impossible</p>

<p>the phone, though, can be used…if they go out, they must check in every hour that kind of thing</p>

<p>they need to earn trust, and be so thankful for good friends, who could have gotten in trouble from their own parents being out late, etc</p>

20

<p>Still listening. Thanks. Kid is a daughter.</p>