kid drove drunk last night-consequences?

Parent Cafe
21

<p>This is such a tough situation for all of you, but you are oh, so lucky to have the chance to institute some consequences at all.</p>

<p>I have two college aged kids and always worry about this…so I’ve actually given some thought to what I’d do if it happened in our family.

  1. No driving for the summer at all.
  2. No taking the car to college for the following school year. </p>

<p>It’s a very serious offense and as others so aptly pointed out–this is now twice caught, signifying likely numerous other times not. And being fully aware you may never know what happens on campus, I’d feel compelled to put a strict foot down for the whole school year.</p>

<p>I am so sorry for your family to have to suffer through all this, but I suspect your daughter knows she really screwed up and hopefully will be exceptionally contrite and work hard to build your trust once again.</p>

<p>Best of luck with all this.</p>

22

<p>Many great thoughts above. In regard to loss of driving privileges, I would have your D now be responsible for her own insurance costs. This is indirectly related to the infraction, but people sometimes appreciate things more if they bear the costs. Only when she has saved up enough to pay her own insurance would she be able to drive again.</p>

<p>There is something else going on here. Many of us have kids who drink, whether we like it or not. One things many teens/young adults <em>do</em> seem to do well is enforce their own Designated Driver arrangements. Your D’s friends seem to be of this mind set - hence, their tracking her down and wresting the keys from her. So, the question is why she is driving when drinking? I think if I were you, I would be looking at how to figure this out - be it counseling, talking as a family, whatever. It is a scary thought, but you could be looking at an alcoholism problem here, not a party hearty problem? I hope this suggestion does not seem cavalier, but the thought did occur to me.</p>

<p>Best of luck, as so many others have said. There but for the grace of god go many of us.</p>

23

<p>Perhaps attending a meeting of the Local Chapter of Mothers Against Drunk Driving would open her eyes to the often harrowing and irreversible consequences of driving drunk. I’m sure each Mom in the room could supply a tragic and compelling story of loss. Kids tend to need things to be made concrete for them.</p>

<p>An even more sobering trip to the hospital morgue to view the remains of a victim of drunk driving might be an option too. I know this seems extreme, and a parent’s first impulse is to shield their children from emotional devastation, but I think there’s little doubt that the experience would remain with your D and inform her every future decision about drinking and driving.</p>

24

<p>take away the license and monitor the kid like whoa. no more letting the kid out till the next day. you have to set some serious limits now. how about a much earlier curfew, and No Getting Drunk (that doesn’t mean no alcohol). The early curfew is punishment and the No Getting Drunk rule is to keep the kid in line. how is a sophomore in college already 21? that’s agains tthe law if hes not!!!</p>

25

<p>our local high school has a program called shattered dreams and so do other high schools you might want to ask for help from them and have her watch the video that is sold for scholarship purposes. it is heart breaking watching the mock crash and the kids that have to stay the night in jail and the hospital what really gets our kids is the funeral that is held at the school the next day. it is a wonderful program and i believe you can locate info on the web at <a href=“http://sc.lpisd.org/education/components/scrapbook/default.php?sectiondetailid=12945&sc_id=1123430806&PHPSESSID=4f611175414fd2386689c4b1d88c1312[/url]”>http://sc.lpisd.org/education/components/scrapbook/default.php?sectiondetailid=12945&sc_id=1123430806&PHPSESSID=4f611175414fd2386689c4b1d88c1312&lt;/a&gt;. there is a video and graphic pics. good luck</p>

26

<p>momoffour
thanks for asking for input. we all feel for you and hope to not hear our doorbells ring at that hour. what a blessing no one was hurt.</p>

<p>Re another post re daughter of a friend passed out on a lawn…I agree family counseling will help uncover and dispel age related “magical thinking” that leads to these episodes of drunken dangerous behavior. Also will allow you to study whether or not there is an alcohol abuse syndrome in your son’s life.<br>
A very nice “successful” (in the work force) boy we know in our neighborhood lent his SUV to a roommate at VA Tech last fall. After attending an off campus apt house party with plenty of drinking going on, Friend in borrowed SUV then RAN OVER a college freshman who had also been drinking (no one he had ever met) sprawled on a lawn. Of course SUV driver didn’t see him! Claims to not know he ran over anyone but felt a bump. It was an accident. He did not consider when CUTTING through a lawn to get to a road (commonly done by all the apartment-dwellers it seems in this spot) that another freshman who had been drinking would be laying on the lawn. Victim was not even found till it was too late to save him. Parents in another state totally in the dark until the pieces were put together by police…they thought he might have been beaten and left for a while. horrible for their family. and a nightmare for the boy who drove over him.</p>

<p>You are lucky your son’s poor judgment came home to roost on “your watch” instead of when he was away from home.<br>
My husband’s brother was arrested going the wrong way up 1-85 at that age and parents let him stay the night in jail rather than bail him out.<br>
best wishes to you…we read these threads and memorize the good advice offered by other parents too.</p>

27

<p>All the punishment in the world is fine and warranted (specifics are up to you), but the real question is, how do you REALLY get through to the kid? How do you get her to understand it wasn’t just “oh I got lucky since nothing bad really happened”, to have it sink in that even YOU don’t want dangerous drivers (like her!) on the road, since she can kill herself but also other innocent people. </p>

<p>I’m not sure how you do this, but kids (even college age) still have that “it can’t happen to me” syndrome. Besides dealing with over the top disappointment you must be feeling, your D must understand she has a tremendous obstacle to overcome, namely regaining the trust of her parents, which hopefully will be a large motivator. Good luck.</p>

28

<p>I was at my local neighborhood stores and there was this teen, maybe 14, with two of her friends, she was walking funny, and I was waiting for my D, i saw the girl fall down, and lay on the sidewalk, I was watching in my rearview mirror, as soon as my D came out, i pulled around the block to check on them and see if there were any cops in the neighborhood, but they were gone…the friends had gotten her up and they all disappeared</p>

<p>should I have gotten out and walked up to them, they were other people around and a few other kids and she got up on her own (sort of) volition</p>

<p>sigh, i felt bad I didn’t do more</p>

<p>ps-I was looking for the cops to check on the girl, who was so young, it was really sad, the boys around were watching, and not sure what to do</p>

29

<p>Note that your child is a daughter. As girls do not normally have the attraction to risk, I would double my concern about the need to drink. </p>

<p>I have two boys, neither of whom are saintly or particularily sensible. Both have been stopped and breathalized in the wee hours–the younger one twice–and both passed completely. Idiots that they sometimes are, they don’t drive and drink. For a teenager in 2006, a determination to drive while blind drunk is off the wall behavior and cause for huge concern.</p>

<p>I know another family who repeatedly found their young teen daughter smoking pot. They turned to a counselling center and group therapy for help. Their doctor sent the girl for a psychiatric evaluation. She was diagnosed with bi-polar illness and put on medication.</p>

30

<p>

</p>

<p><a href=“Search - elpasotimes.com”>Search - elpasotimes.com;

31

<p>I’m so sorry you are going through this.</p>

<p>I have not had this problem with my kids, but the consequences are already set - as I told them what they would be when they got their licenses: no more car. (Or, to put it more accurately: no more driving any car registered to me, which would include the vehicle that my daughter considers to be hers). </p>

<p>When they were under age 18, I would have taken the license as well - in our state, parents have that power. </p>

<p>I’d concur with the others here who say this is a red flag indication of a more serious alcohol problem – in fact, I think that any time a kid gets drunk enough that friends feel it necessary to intervene, it’s a red flag.</p>

32

<p>Please excuse the length of this, but it has to do with our experience with our daughter. I suggest that you look at this as a real opportunity. You have leverage now to help your daughter deal with this issue which is now out in the open.</p>

<p>First, losing access to the car is a no-brainer, and the thank you note is a great idea.</p>

<p>I would then make regaining car access dependent on seeing someone to discuss her use of alcohol and the role it will play in her life when she goes back to school. (If your insurance won’t cover this, perhaps you can make it conditional on seeing someone at the counseling center at college.) I speak with some experience here – a high school daughter who got a citation for drinking. She did not drive and, in fact, it was a very minor incident-- wine at a picnic – but because she was a minor she was required to go see a probation officer. We took it as an opportunity to address the more serious partying we knew was going on in her life. We said if she expected us to take the time off from work to visit the probation officer with her, we expected her to see a counselor and figure out her attraction to alcohol and the role it played in her life – before she went off to college and found herself surrounded by it. She insisted (like your daughter, I suspect) she didn’t need to see anyone, but would go once to comply with us. I called around to find someone who related well to people her age. Our daughter came out of the first session and had scheduled more.</p>

<p>The meeting with the probation officer was also interesting. She asked why our kid, nice looking, excellent student, etc., drank. She said it had to do with a certain group of boys she wanted to hang out with, and impressing them. (To this day, I remember her saying that she wanted to be known as the girl with the 4.0 and the “forty” in her hand, meaning 40 oz. malt liquor.) The probation officer required her to write an essay about that, in exchange for which she would not order her to a class and she would expunge the citation.</p>

<p>The end result was our kid went off to college and, though I have no idea how much she did or did not drink, it was not a problem. She had thought long and hard about the issue, it had been brought out in the open with us, and she even acknowledged that seeing someone had been very useful. (She’s now over 21 and has a car and I have noticed how very careful she is even with wine at dinner when she is going to drive.)</p>

<p>So, I hope you can find your own way to use this as an opportunity both for her and for you. Good luck. I really empathize.</p>

33

<p>I tried to use logical consequences while the kids are growing up.
Driving drunk is a nobrainer to taking the car away for a year.
That is a pretty major violation and could have been so much worse if friends were not responsible.
I also usually asked my kids what they thought the repercussions shold be when they had an “incident”.
I believe that people want to make amends & to have someone else decide what is just, may not give them the sense that the reparations mean something to them.
However if they don’t take it seriously and try and get themselves off easy, then I would ht them with both barrels.
BUt I found that with my kids, they actually came up with stiffer punsishments, than I would have</p>

34

<p>We discussed those consequences the day my daughter got her drivers license. If she ever drove after drinking, period, that would be the end of driving. Gone. Finished. End of story.</p>

<p>Not just driving drunk. No drinking and driving period. Not even a glass of wine with dinner if she’s going out. </p>

<p>Zero tolerance on that one. Teenagers and college age kids aren’t the most defensive drivers to begin with. Put a little liquor in 'em and you’re asking for trouble.</p>

<hr>

<p>We also discussed what would happen if she got a speeding ticket. End of insurance. Off our policy. Too darn expensive.</p>

35

<p>My friend’s son does not drink and drive, but he has decided that when he is out with friends, he does not want to drive drunks around, so he cabs it or takes buses, he got tired of, well Billy will drive us…and we will try not to throw up in his car this time</p>

<p>A sober driver with drunk teens is pretty dangerous as well, not to mention stinky and annoying</p>

36

<p>interesteddad- I felt that way about speeding tickets too until my son got one several months ago. I think it was the best thing that ever happened to him.
He’s a good and careful driver, but just got a bit too confident and got caught in a common speed trap in our area.</p>

<p>He had to pay for it and take a class to wipe it from his record, but we figured we’d give him one more chance…Now he’s REALLY careful and drives more slowly than my husband or I. It was a good lesson, and cost us nothing.<br>
There wouldn’t be second chances for drinking and driving, however. My husband and I also make sure that neither of us drives after we’ve had even one drink with the kids in the car. If that means we can’t have wine with dinner when they’re with us, so be it. The example is important.</p>

37

<p>I hate speed traps- they don’t make more careful drivers
they provide easy points for those hitting those monthly ticket goals
I don’t believe in routinely speeding although I do, if to do otherwise means I am impeding flow of traffic- or to get around an unsafe driver ( one that is talking on phone/obviously under influence/speeding up slowing down etc)
I have gotten a speeding ticket when on the freeway where it was 70 miles per hour and it went down to 55- but I coudln’t tell because my vision was blocked by 18 wheelers ( I also was not passing anyone)</p>

<p>I have gotten a speeding ticket ( on another unfamilar road)when the road changed from 40 to 25 with no discernible difference in conditions- plus it was down hill- the cop just sat writing out tickets one after another
Neither instance in my mind still was dangerous- but both were speed traps and I got caught in them- & I consider myself a very safe experienced driver.
So I would agree that I wouldn’t take away the car, if the speeding ticket wasn’t reckless.</p>

38

<p>lots of great suggestions so far … one I’d add … consider offering a “contract” to your son. If you ever need a ride home give us a call and we’ll come (or send a cab) NO questions asked. That’s a two way agreement … your kids agree to not drive impaired or let their friends drive impaired and you agree to not pry into the situation. I believe you can find samples at the MADD site. </p>

<p>(PS - thanks for starting the string … I’ve talked about this with my kids … but it’s time to revisit the topic!)</p>

39

<p>momoffour:</p>

<p>determine what the consequences would have been in your state had she been caught by the police. Use any/all of those you are able, including spending some time at the local court house watching the arraignments and the hearings etc. of DUI people. Anything to help her realise the gravity of her situation and the lifelong gratitude she owes that friend who stood up and made a difference!</p>

40

<p>Momoffour, I respect the way you’ve asked for advice and are so graciously receiving our comments.
As you sift through possible consequences that will eventually help your daughter, please consider yourself as well.
– What would it take for you to be comfortable sending her off with a car? to the store… out with friends… away to school… The answer to each may be different. In negotiation with your daughter, I would make clear the parental comfort is a variable that must be satisfied.
– If you own the car she’s driving, or if you have co-signed a car loan, or if she’s on your insurance, you may have some liability for personal or property damage she incurs. Is this someone for whom you would currently be willing to put your savings on the line? (This happened to an acquaintance of mine. Her grown daughter was driving a car – I believe was registered in parent’s name – was in an accident. The passenger was permanently physically/cognitively disabled as a result. The passenger’s parents sued (for a sum greater than the insurances held by all involved) and the parents of the adult driver were considered liable.</p>