<p>Momoffour,
As this is a kid already in college, who will soon be back there where you will not know what is going on (not even if she is taken to the emergency room for alcohol poisoning unless they send you the bill), I’d like to repeat the suggestion that you do not just think in terms of punishment. I’m sure you are frightened for her. I would use whatever leverage you have in this situation – access to the car, paying her car insurance, eventhe threat of not paying for her to go back to school – to get her to see someone and find out why she is taking these risks. Lectures, films of car wrecks, classes, statistics, newspaper clippings, dire warnings, all get dismissed by kids much more easily (“everybody at school does it,” “No one I know has gotten hurt,” “I would never hurt someone”, “I let it get out of control once, but I won’t do it again”) than hard questions from some skilled professional who pierces their rationalizations and gets them to really think about their behavior and what is at stake. In my opinion, she needs to see it’s not about getting in trouble with her parents, but about the consequences for her life and the lives of those around her. </p>
<p>I’m sure this is a terrible time for you. But it is also an opportunity and, since no one has been hurt so far, a gift. There is still a lot of summer left, and I think with some help she will go back to college stronger, wiser, healthier, and more careful – and that you will be able to worry less about her there.</p>
<p>Wow, I have a completely different reaction to this.
I understand your daughter was driving drunk, but the key hinges on your relationship with your daughter.</p>
<p>If its rocky, this will do nothing but POLARIZE the relationship even more if you merely institute punishment. </p>
<p>As myself, I was an alcoholic at the age of 14, yikes, yeah. I eventually put myself to rehab at 16, so dealing with alcohol in minors is a speciality of mine, in a sense.</p>
<p>Just remember, it’s more important to stop the behavior than to punish it. To me, the whole “look what drunk driving has done” thing did not work. I just laughed, though, again, I was a pretty cynical kid back then.</p>
<p>Try to find some reason why your daughter would stop drinking for her own volation, not because it entails punishment. If punishment was a true deterrent, America would be a much safe nation. It’s not.</p>
<p>I don’t think that forcing attendance at alcohol related programs is the wisest idea. Alcohol abuse is not the real issue here. The real issue is driving while being very drunk. Second to that is driving with any amount of alcohol in her at all since she is a minor (in my state if you a minor and you have ANY detectable amount of alcohol in your system you are charged with a D*I).</p>
<p>I think it’s imperative that your daughter understands just how much alcohol (or marijuana since many people think that driving while high is nothing compared to driving while drunk and I’d even venture to say cellphone use, but that’s another topic) can affect reaction times, senses, and certainly ability to control a car. This is really the only thing that will prevent her from doing it again. I’ve known many people who have been penalized for driving drunk before and still continue to do it because they don’t think that it affects their ability.</p>
<p>In a certain way I’m kind of reminded of those stories of parents catching their child drinking and forcing them to drink until they throw up. That’s probably not the wisest of ideas either. But the first time throwing up is almost always an enlightening experience.</p>
<ol>
<li>Breaking the law</li>
<li>Putting herself and others at terrible physical risk</li>
<li>Having a problem with drinking so much on occasion that judgement is seriously impaired.</li>
<li>Possibly on track for alcoholism.</li>
</ol>
<p>For the first three issues, consequences and an attempt to bring about clear-sightedness are in order. You have good suggestions what to do here. However, if you have a child for whom drinking is more than a teen behaviour and more addictive, you have to be careful. Punishment and discussions may only cause the behaviour to go further underground. And when it goes further underground, because it is furtive, it can get worse.</p>
<p>Your daughter, and you, need to understand her drinking. How often, how much, in what circumstances, and why. Without this information then may be only a matter of time before she borrows someone else’s keys. Drives without a license. Or, it may be that this is just foolishness, and it will be OK once you have clear consequences and follow up.</p>
<p>I don’t see withholding of the license, attendance at AA, or seeing a counselor to be “punishments”. </p>
<p>I see them as logical consequences or necessities based upon observed behavior.</p>
<p>A punishment would be, say, to ground her completely. To take away her allowance/money for college. </p>
<p>If my kid has driven drunk, then IMO he/she is not responsible enough to be entrusted with a car (until proven otherwise). That message should be conveyed wiothout anger, but IMO it is a fact.</p>
<p>If someone has had several bad incidents involving alcohol, then IMO AA and counseling are indicated. Again, not in anger, and not to punish–but to help solve the problem.</p>
<p>Maybe there is no alcohol problem. But that is what IMO must be found out. It is much too dangerous to just assume that there is no alcohol problem, IMO. </p>
<p>A counselor could well discover that there are other emotional issues that are leading to the drinking. But that would be the whole idea. Get to the bottom of the problem.</p>
<p>I see cell phones to be a separate issue. If they are dangerous, fine, address them: but don’t use them as a reason to ignore patently dangerous, alcohol-related behavior.</p>
<p>Thank you all for the input. Some consequences have been put into play and some more are coming. I gave her a hug today and told her how lucky I felt to be able to do that because not all mothers/kids get that second chance.</p>
<p>Ferney: Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. You raised an excellent point that punishment alone doesn’t work. While there obviously has to be consequences for driving drunk, it’s important to have your daughter know that you’re there for her, to help her see how lucky she is that there weren’t deadly consequences. Maybe watch the video with her & discuss her reactions - open dialogue is key.</p>
<p>I think you’re smart to focus on the fact that she DROVE, not that she was drinking (I’m assuming she’s under 21). If you make this a “no drinking” issue, your message about being responsible when/if she drinks, will be lost.</p>
<p>Momoffour: Seems like you’re on the right track - I like the part about the hug!</p>
<p>“LOL, Driver. I think Mini would get him to figure out how to earn plane fare to India or Sri Lanka to help with tsunami relief (yes, the impact of the tsunami is still being felt there.)”</p>
<p>I’m leaving July 29th, and would be happy to take her with. (There’s LOTS of work to do. Subject for another forum.)</p>
<p>Just a couple of thoughts here - taking away a college students liscense - by the parents/student 18 or older - certainly doesn’t keep the kiddo from being able to get into another vehicle and drive - they are still legally liscensed - just may not have it on them - all they have to do is to go to the registry - report the liscense lost/stolen etc… and get another one. To me - taking away the liscense is not the answer - but… that said - I certainly would be limiting use of a vehicle that was insured under my name - and would certainly would be trying to figure out the reason for the drinking as well.</p>
<p>There are many good ideas posted here - it is a very diffiuclt thing to realize that our kiddos aren’t perfect sometimes - and then how to deal with what they have done in a mature/adult/productive way.</p>
<p>I remember having that DUI conversation with my soon to leave for college student - what the expectations were and what outcomes to expect should this happen - and the responsibility that would be on THEIR shoulders in that event. No car for the first year of college was one rule we did impose - get to know the lay of the land please. We pretty much enforced an agreement that we were footing the bill for college but they would foot the bill for any alcohol related things - including at the cost of leaving school should the need be.</p>
<p>We also made sure to let our kiddos know that how much we loved them and the hugs were one way of doing that - kuddos mom for that act of kindness - can go a very long way</p>
<p>Momoffour - I’m not any kind of expert on this situation, just another mom of four (all teens) struggling to get through these growing years. I have only heavily skimmed the posts, so I may be duplicating someone else’s thoughts. Of course your daughter will be “punished” and lose priveleges, and so many suggestions are fabulous. But perhaps this behavior is really a way of her trying to get attention for some internal pain or struggle which she is reluctant to address out loud. As adults, we sometimes look at these wonderful youthful kids and think their lives are near ideal (as compared to the realities and struggles that we know are coming as they grow further into adulthood) yet they can feel depressed, confused, unworthy, etc on the inside without ever letting it show on the outside. Perhaps a clergy member or other counselor may allow her to figure out why she did this and then the real issue can be addresssed. One of our teens sought some outside help for an issue and we were amazed at how differently he saw his life from what we saw/thought of it.
Good luck and my thoughts are with you all.</p>
<p>momoffour
“I gave her a hug today and told her how lucky I felt to be able to do that because not all mothers/kids get that second chance.”</p>
<p>this is so true. my D just lost 2 friends from hs on july 4th. 5 friends driving home from the river…the driver lost control and hit a pole. 2 killed instantly, 2 more still in the hospital. (driver & another) 1 treated and released. the driver will be charged with felony drunken driving and 2 counts of manslaughter when he gets out of the hospital. </p>