<p>What do you think? DD has an opportunity to spend a week overseas in the spring, as part of a worthwhile extracurricular organization. The trip will cost each family about $3000. We are a traveling family, and DD has already seen a lot of the world, including the region in question – and we do it far more economically than $3000 per person, per week! But the specific activities for the organization are worthwhile. It is personal growth and enrichment, though – it will not materially advance her candidacy for any academic program, job, etc.</p>
<p>I asked DD if she would be willing to request money toward the trip, instead of “normal” gifts, for upcoming Christmas and birthday gifts, from us and her grandparents. She said no. Because we keep gift-giving fairly modest, in our family, this would cover less than a third of the total cost, but it would be a gesture of gratitude and sacrifice on her part.</p>
<p>We do not expect DD to earn extra money during the school year for the trip. She works full-time over the summers, saves pretty aggressively (80%), and the summer savings are already designated for college expenses. School-year employment is not something we would allow, because she has an ambitious roster of academics and extracurriculars that we believe are more important during the school year.</p>
<p>She said she still wants “stuff” for birthday and Christmas. She’s happy to take the trip, but does not wish to be affected at all by the cost, just wants to be sent at our expense, period. This seems spoiled to me. I do think what little she can do to defray the financial burden, she should be happy to do, and gratefully accept it all as a very generous gift. If it doesn’t mean anything more to her than that, why should it mean $3000 to me?</p>
<p>It seems that she thinks pitching in for the trip is optional. If you tell her it’s not, she’ll have to decide whether to pitch in or drop the trip. That puts the ball in her court.</p>
<p>The conversation went “if you don’t want to go badly enough to chip in what you can, I don’t see why we should pay for the whole thing” and the response was “meh”. Which takes me to what PhotoOp said.</p>
<p>I’m sure the trip will be lovely (for that kind of money, it damn well better be!) but I certainly didn’t get the impression that your daughter has her heart set on this trip. </p>
<p>Since you are asking for advice, I’d advise just saying No to this opportunity.
She is old enough to begin learning that , finances have to be a part of every decision. She wants her trip and her money but that’s generally not an option in the grown-up world. Sacrifices have to be made. </p>
<p>BTW, we always required our kids to provide their own money when they went overseas. We paid for the airfare/place to stay, but they had to bring their own money for food and any other expenses. This meant that they had some ‘skin’ in the trip so they had to budget carefully. </p>
<p>I am with the OP and the rest of the respondents totally. The D is not necessarily spoiled, but entitlement mentality does occur to me. A trip like that is an extra privilege and no matter what the parents’ resources, IMO should be appreciated as “above and beyond.”</p>
<p>I so believe in kids having “skin in the game” that H and I had our kids take the max Stafford student loans even though we were in a position to cover all their college expenses. The kids also worked each summer for their college spending money – no allowances from us.</p>
<p>Sounds like OP is handling this very reasonably.</p>
<p>BTW, I don’t think she’s acting entitled. If she were actively requesting to go but refusing to chip in, that would be different. What she’s saying is, yes, it would be fun, and if you want to pay for it I will happily go, but I don’t want to go enough to help pay for it. That’s fine: don’t send her. She’ll have other chances to travel which she is more motivated to take.</p>
<p>Agree that she doesn’t sound that interested. OP’s goal was to have kid “contribute” to the trip. Unfortunately, OP gave the kid the choice of a more attractive option–not contributing.
Don’t ask her if she wants to contribute. Just tell her, “This year, the cash value of your birthday and Christmas gifts from parents and grandparents will be put toward your trip.”
If the problem is that she just wants to have “something” to open on those occasions, get her some small inexpensive items like chocolates, ornament, t-shirt, calendar, soap/lotion, photo, etc. (That is all my kids get for Christmas after high school. They understand that their education is their main gift.)
If she is unwilling to give up the larger gifts, fine. No trip.</p>
<p>OP here – this is not the pitch to swing at. But as an aside, it does occur to me that the group’s travel agent must be doing pretty well with this. They are flying from a major Northeastern city to a major western European city, at low tourist season, and then going by bus to very rustic rural bunkhouse-type accommodations. Taking sleeping bags. For $3000. If DD were to do a semester abroad, the same extra $3000 could go a long way toward that, with a more lasting and meaningful experience.</p>
<p>FWIW, when the topic first came up, I told her I was willing to attend the informational parent meeting. We then decided (and told her) that the trip would probably be safe, and we could approve if she wanted to go, and if we could work out the money part. Whereupon we attended the second meeting (kids and parents together) and then I asked her if she did, in fact, want to go, and what she could see herself doing to contribute. She was never told to assume a free trip. She said she’d be happy to go, but not to contribute.</p>
<p>She and I have discussed it further this afternoon, and she’s very blase about simply not going because we don’t want to pay 100% and she doesn’t want to pay anything. I think I was a bit taken aback, initially, because I would have turned heaven and earth at the same age, raking people’s leaves, to go. But she has traveled a lot. If she’s just not that into it, it’s better to know it now.</p>
<p>I would say that this is an opportunity that she can miss. If she wants something she will be willing to sacrifice a bit, as an adult would. It is good that you are thinking about this and are willing to place boundaries. </p>
<p>Our high school had one of these to Italy once (it was probably $3000 also). I didn’t go, didn’t feel it was worth $3000. Don’t feel that I missed out on anything important. But if it was free, sure, I’d go. It sounds like she doesn’t care much, just don’t pay and tell her not to go. </p>
<p>When my two were in HS, they had the opportunity to go to Europe with a musical tour, for about that amount of money. I told the D that was especially interested to research year abroad programs, as I had the hunch she could go for a year, for not too much more. Sure enough, she found Rotary, and went to the Czech republic for a year. </p>
<p>For some kids, these trips are important, and show them new worlds, and are an important bridge to cultural understanding. If yours have traveled a great deal, well, it would be fun, but far from essential. I agree with your approach, no skin in the game, no trip. </p>
Apply that $3,000 towards your next, fun FAMILY trip. </p>