[rant]
So D(21) is home for the summer (6 weeks now) and S will be arriving in another month. D acts like she is a guest at the Waldorf Astoria. Can’t get her to do much of anything. She will stop at the grocery store, help occasionally with dinner, vacuum a bit. That’s about it.
H asked her to mow part of the yard (he mowed it this morning after a week of asking), I asked her repeatedly to take her stuff upstairs (sat there for 3 weeks until I took it up), to clean their bathroom and her room (guess who spent 4.5 hours doing it this afternoon?). I mentioned several times in May and June that her car was due for inspection and to call for an appointment. Zip. I woke up yesterday, realized that it was July 1 and the car still not inspected (it’s in our names) and told her I was confiscating the keys.
She had conniptions, of course. She is “so busy” (spending all her time with the bf). She thought “inspection due” was a suggestion and that she could get to it whenever she felt like it (or not at all). I really don’t want to treat her like she is 12, but that’s about how I feel after spending all day trying to unpack her room.
Starting to get on my last nerve how much time she spends with the bf. I would be fine if she showed some productivity at home. ( He really is a nice boy and all). But ARRRG!!!
[/rant]
I can’t be the only one dealing with a monster who should know better?
Charge her rent. a room at the Waldorf is expensive.
As long as you keep doing the work for her she will keep expecting you to do it.
Time to sent some ground rules, pronto (past due actually). In addition, it sounds like a “to do” list is in order. If she complains about it, tell her that when/if she shows the initiative of a young adult and takes care of things, you’d be happy to start treating her as such.
Does she have a job? Where does she get her spending money from?
To be blunt, I think you’ve been too indulgent for too long. The proverbial “you know what” would have hit the fan in my house about 5 weeks ago. 
She does have a part-time job (really random hours) as well as an unpaid internship (about 12 hours/week as far as I can tell).
Someone once told me that we teach people how to treat us. I think this applies especially to our kids.
You have my sympathy but I suspect the groundwork for your DD’s conduct at home was laid some time back although I don’t think that means you need to keep tolerating it. You have at least 6 more weeks of summer, after all.
So what would the consequences be? Taking away the car? Throwing her stuff out into the yard? Telling her to move out? Not let her eat? My adult kids will do most of what we ask them to do but on their own schedules and are not nearly as fussy about their bathroom. I would guess that Sylvan has had the discussion about the daughter’s responsibilities. It isn’t always easy to find the balance between parents standards and kids, especially when they have been living on their own.
Maybe not but by the time a kid is 21 they should at least pretend to care about their parents and make an effort to behave like adults; particularly if their parents are paying for car expenses in addition to their education. It ought to be embarrassing to still behave like a bratty 12 year old for a college student with any pride. I don’t know Sylvan’s daughter; maybe she treats her roommates with the same disregard? I would hope not.
She needs to realize these are small courtesies in a family. Lots of kids don’t, at first. At some points, I had to say, this is our family home and while you’re here, you have family responsibilities. So have the talk. Good luck.
Mom2and, I wouldn’t throw it in the yard but also not have taken the stuff to her room after 3 weeks. That’s a form of an endurance test or battle of wits and not the mature behavior we expect. And especially if it’s sitting in a common area.
Getting the car inspected is a sort of legal need. If she hasn’t gotten it inspected, I’d expect mine to do what an adult is supposed to: get it done or don’t drive it.
These are things we all go through, the ebb an flow as they grow. We do still need to sometimes get on their cases.
Is this different from her behavior before she left for college?
“H asked her to mow part of the yard (he mowed it this morning after a week of asking), I asked her repeatedly to take her stuff upstairs (sat there for 3 weeks until I took it up), to clean their bathroom and her room (guess who spent 4.5 hours doing it this afternoon…”
How big is your lawn? I assume the rooms are standard size… I am asking 'cause I have never spent more than 1 hr on the abovementioned chores…
Mow the lawn. Close the doors to the toxic dump and let her live in filth. That would be my solution. 
Save your nerves.
Lol, the yard is 1/2 acre, but the space H asked her to mow is about 700 sf. As far as closing off her room, there are relatives coming next week who may or may but need our upstairs accommodations. Got yelled at after spending 4.5 hours cleaning, she should at least appreciate the bathroom.
Will your relatives be sleeping in your daughter’s room or just walking past it? If they won’t be staying on your child’s room, I would have left it alone. Its state reflects on her, not you or the rest of the family.
Has she always been like this? It sounds like she knows if she stalls long enough, you and your husband will cave and do the chores. If she had not taken her stuff in three weeks, I may not throw them onto the (unmown) lawn but I would have “assumed” she didn’t need her stuff and put them away (as in basement or garage) or I’d send it all to Goodwill. I would not reward her behavior by taking them to her room.
Better late than never. Set ground rules. Lay out expectations and consequences.
Two summers ago I told D and S they had to take care of the upstairs themselves (our room is on the first floor). They never cleaned the bathroom all summer and I had to do it in September. It was terrible, so last summer I just did it when I could get to it.
The consequence for her not doing it in the past six weeks was that I went up and blasted her room and bathroom (she feels “violated”). H always wants me to stay on good terms with her, so I’m the one who has to suck it up when she doesn’t do what we ask (except for the mowing, since I refuse to mow, ever).
@SlackerMomMD Yes, a note posted on the stuff in the living room that says: “Will be donated to Goodwill on X date” would prob get the stuff moved to room. Agree with close the door and let them wallow, but then you have the problem of a dirty room when they go back to school. Ground rules help with that, maybe in the form of a list of cleaning that they need to do if they expect there to be college expenses paid for by you, or you deduct the amount for cleaning from their check to the school and they can make up the tuition to the school. Again, forewarning is the key. Be sure to go over these groundrules beforehand. How much will be deducted from their tuition or allowance at school if you clean their room after they go? Write down the list. Put the rules on the fridge. Or make a contract and both parties sign it. This removes you from being the enforcer. They are left with deciding how they want to proceed. It mimics the real world better.
Which is to say, try to not be the one they are playing off of. If it’s real world consequences, so much the better.
Explain why you’re doing it. “To learn teamwork skills and your family is your first team.” “Build ability to forge lasting relationships” or “excellence in any task means excellence at the next task, which is why I want the bathroom cleaned well.”
For the car, no inspection means no driving. That’s real world. For the lawn, or the dishes, or the bathroom cleaning, it’s harder to do that. I would make a list ahead of time and place it on the fridge. X needs to be done or daughter is inconvenienced for the time it takes for parent to do the task. Like, she wants parent to take her to see BF now, well it took 20 minutes to do the dishes, she needs to wait 20 minutes to leave. (Assuming that she can’t drive herself because she never got the car inspected!)
The best thing about doing it this way is that as a parent you get to stay calm. There’s no more arguing, no more threatening, no more negotiating. Once the rules are down, she understands them and makes her choices. You stay calm, cool, collected parent, just follows through. If she fusses, then she fusses, and you get to stay calm. No explanation is needed further, and you can still love and hug her.
I would think after living you for 20+ years that your kids would know your “standard of living.” They should be expected to maintain your house as you would, even if they are guests in your house. When I stay at people’s house, I make my bed, I make sure the bathroom is clean after use, I help out with meals (or I take my hosts out), and I do not leave my stuff around in the public living space. If I want some privacy then I get a hotel room.
As others have said, your kid’s behavior probably just didn’t start this summer. I would definitely set my standard on how clean their rooms/bathrooms need to be, and I would give them a list of chores they need to do around the house. They could either do them like adults or I would take away my support - allowance, car usage, clothing allowance. I wouldn’t put them out on the street, but I would make it very unpleasant for them to live at home.
Why is she only working 12 hrs/week as a college student? Where is she getting her spending money? If you are giving it to her, why not make her work for it.
Mom cleaning the bathroom isn’t a consequence for the kid. It’s on Mom. Bathroom may now be clean, but no effort by the kid and no loss to her. The lesson is, hang back and Mom will do it.
It’s hard when the father wants peace (been there.) Now you’re dealing with two fronts.
Sometimes, the forewarning needs to go to him, too. This didn’t work perfectly for me. But I’d let him know I had asked Susie to do a task, that it was short and needed to be done by X (Sat or within 2 days, eg.) We called them 15 minute jobs, you can tidy a bathroom in that time. It won’t prep the room for surgery, but it gets it better and teaches.
When they dragged their feet, I had more leverage. It wasn’t me melting down, out of the blue.
Let’s just say I can relate to the OP. My 21-year-old son leaves in 43 days, and yes, I am counting every one of them. 
He’s come a long way since he was diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 16, but he still drives me bonkers. Engaging him is pointless - he just escalates the situation until it’s unbearable. I know we went wrong somewhere, but it wasn’t for a lack of trying.
Some of this I can see letting go and while some people may disagree with me. I think that the not mowing the lawn is a big indication that she feels she doesn’t have to do anything that you two ask her to do. Why am I picking the mowing the lawn instead of something else? Because the Dad asked her to do it. Everything else the mom asked and she didn’t do those either. Do my sons clean their rooms NO I just shut the door. Is their bathroom clean NO, not unless I tell them company is coming and they have to clean it. Do they always take their stuff up to their rooms the first time I ask… that depends on the kid. However I would be really mad if they didn’t do something that really needed to be done especially if my husband asked one of them to do it.
So I would tell her that since she was not willing to mow part of the lawn for her Dad that she is now responsible for mowing all of the lawn for the rest of the summer. If she complains about it tell her she could always have her Boyfriend do it for her or maybe they could do it together. If she doesn’t do it don’t give her the keys to the car back. Also I would not clean her room or the bathroom except if you absolutely need it for guests. You are not a maid. If the bathroom and bedroom are a mess at the end of the summer just leave it dirty. She can come back to a dirty/mess bedroom/bathroom at Thanksgiving. There is a huge difference in keeping the peace and letting your kids treat you like crap.
" are not a maid. If the bathroom and bedroom are a mess at the end of the summer just leave it dirty. She can come back to a dirty/mess bedroom/bathroom at Thanksgiving. "
I couldn’t leave rooms in my home like that for months.