I get that but otherwise the kid is not going to learn.
I once did leave D1’s room ankle deep from Sept on. She moaned when she saw it at Thanksgiving (of course, “Mom!,”) but made no progress. Christmas, when so many friends would be around, did the trick. She’s now very proactively tidy, In her own apt. And we laugh at the story (which has grown to ten months of mess.)
I’m not obsessive. But I always wanted them to both learn the basic tasks and have some standards. Life lesson. Not easy.
I feel your pain, OP. In our case, closing S2’s door doesn’t help, as it still smells like a locker room! I’m ready to charge rent. He will do chores, but only if nagged. DH stays out of it.
Write out the list. Weekly, daily, etc. I was convinced that my voice did not elicit a positive response, but a well placed list served as multiple reminders. Checking off items on a list has a certain intrinsic reward. Not that my voice did not emphasize items on the list after it was placed.
However, I remember this frustration well. You want to enforce standards because you want a positive relationship, and the resentment does not make for a good feeling between the two of you. This is the time too, to establish habits for that future time when offspring will just drop in for several day visits, and you don’t want to have to feel like a servant at that point either.
Frankly, mine would leave a pigsty of a room and return to the pigsty without a concern, summer to Thanksgiving. I wanted a certain standard held to and could work toward that better if it started clean.
I struggled with room status with both my kids, this was always a challenge and source of stress.
Also taught them each how to clean a bathroom and had them do it occasionally, even though I now have a cleaning service. I thought it was a basic household skill they needed to master. Other than that I mainly asked that they leave household areas as neatly as they found them, and I nagged a LOT.
The room issue never got solved to my satisfaction. Only resolution was that they both got launched and moved out. Adult son lived with us after college and before marriage as his job was near us. I eventually wrote up a room contract that detailed inspection times and consequences, including a fine if room did not pass muster. Fine was applied a few times but I have to say the system was not enforced consistently and the issue remained a chronic problem. He always had to do his own laundry and only did it when out of clothes. Towels were left on the floor of his room.
Now it is for his wife to handle. Her mom tells me she is a room slob as well. May they live sloppily ever after – no longer my problem. They are newlyweds in the process of relocating for her job. I will be interested in seeing what their home is like when H and I visit in the future.
However, there is hope: I did have a younger brother whom my mother considered sloppy when he lived with her. But when he had his own home he was if anything obsessive re its maintenance, and would nag her about leaving crumbs as she ate a muffin when visiting!
Our kids were good about keeping the main upstairs bathroom clean. Our washer and dryer are in that room…so it was expected that the room would be accessible and clean. Re: their rooms…we just closed the doors.
In terms of car use…yes, I would have taken away the keys. In our state there is also a monetary penalty you need to pay if inspection is late. My kid would have been paying THAT plus the cost of the late inspection. Until I had the money in hand, I would have taken the keys to the car.
And yes…I understand that this might have caused transportation issues in terms of job and internship. Call a friend for a ride.
Just for the record…I did take away car keys more than once from our kids. Poor things had to ride the school bus or get rides from us. Car was in MY name, and responsible car usage was part of the deal. I also expected the gas tank to be more than half full…because there were times that I needed the car…and did not want to drive on fumes.
I fill my tank when it is 3/4 empty because I hate filling the gas and I figured with a 1/4 tank I could get to a gas station.
Fortunately, mine are neurotic about enough gas in the tank. But it’s a good example of how we expect our kids to be considerate. And also how the carrot works.
OP, sounds like this type of thing has been going on for years, and your H is part of the problem. He doesn’t want you to play bad cop and he won’t do it himself.
when I used to tell my mom if you make me clean my room when your old you are going to a nursing home…her response was …me and your father do not trust you and your siblings …we have proactively made our own arrangements for senior housing. took the wind out of my sails and made me feel guilty.
Sounds to me like the consequences for OP’s kid not doing her chores is Mom doing them for her. I think OP’s daughter has learned the lesson really well.
Every family is different, but personally I’d institute real, actual consequences. Confiscating the car keys is one, outright selling the car to pay for a cleaning service for her room is another. I’d work up to it, with clear notice and dates, then stick to my guns. OP could even consider charging rent. There’s also a school of thought that says delayed consequences also work. For example you set a date for her to clear her stuff out of the living room. When she misses the date, the next time she’s going out to meet BF that’s when you confiscate the car keys until she does the task.
So far though, the message OP is sending seems to be: “Clean up your room or else I’ll do it for you! And then I’ll be really mad and I’ll clean it again for you next time! Just wait and see!”
"Confiscating the car keys is one, outright selling the car to pay for a cleaning service for her room is another. "
It’s not acceptable for my kid to leave his room messy even if he pays for a cleaning service. You clean it up after yourself. My S has left his room messy and I’ve simply said - no, that’s not how we leave the house when you’re going back to school / your apartment. I expect your bed made, things put away, and the bathroom neat. I had to specify “that means wiping out the sink” since his idea of neat was simply towels off the floor. Just a nice heaping of parental guilt :-).
We have cleaning help, but it’s simply not right for him to leave a mess for her, any more than you don’t leave a mess in a hotel room just because there is a housekeeper. I think you just have to say - these are the expectations in this house. I would not “allow” a mess from Sep - Nov out of principle.
In full disclosure, I had a disagreement with S last time he was here. He brings his laundry, which is fine - and I don’t mind helping him do it because I have the time and I like to be helpful. Last time he was here, though - I said “you might want to start the washer as it’s free now” and he said “I thought you would do it so I can just leave it here.” Grrr. I said - I would have had no problem doing it for you if you had asked me nicely and I would have just put it in your room and kept it here, but I don’t like that you assumed I would do it. I wouldn’t do that to you. I also pointed out that I had thoughtfully gotten his car sticker when I got mine to save him a trip, and I bought him shorts and a bathing suit he needed to save him a trip, so you know, you could at least have said please instead of assuming. He apologized, but still … Grrr!
Parents, please teach your kids to pick up after themselves. It’s not only to insure your own home will be neat but will teach them skills that will come in handy living with others at points in their life and make them respectable roommates/housemates/partners in life. One of my kids had to spend the past year living in squalor and filth with a roommate too lazy to lift a finger in caring for one’s own upkeep.
You are not doing them any favors by indulging them this way or by trying to avoid conflict. If my kids think I am difficult for wanting to maintain some standard of cleanliness in living quarters, that’s on them not me.
I am pretty mellow about “their space” but when it spills over into our space I yell. It seems to have worked when they were young and it seems to work now that they are adults. As far as chores I leave a note and they seem to manage to do those things probably because they don’t like it when I yell 
I’m another one who was pretty easy on my kids when they were home from college. Things were messy and they were lazy.
Now that they are both out of the house (and boy do I miss them), they aren’t so messy. The older one has a fiancé to nag him 
and the other has a really nice apartment which she wants to keep clean. Last weekend I showed her the wonders of the magic eraser in the tub. And how to clean her stainless steel appliances. She wanted to know how to keep her stuff clean.
My philosophy, kids grow up and learn their lessons. Eventually. And if they don’t, it’s not from my example.
I didn’t let my kids keep their rooms a disaster when they were young. It’s disrespectful of my money and time to buy them clothes just to throw them on the floor. I had a famous fit one time where i took my daughters clothes thrown on the floor and she had to earn them back by keeping her room picked up. It probably didn’t mean as much to her when I told her growing up I never and I mean ever had a piece of clothing from a mall. I would have died and gone to heaven to have an item of clothes brand new from a regular store and for her to toss it thoughtlessly on the floor just killed me. I think kids need to learn to keep their own stuff tidy and organized before they handle an apartment or house. I had to teach my daughter over and over how to tackle cleaning a room. Eventually she got that keeping it picked up all along was easier. I think a messy space made them feel overwhelmed.
Op- I’ve been in your shoes and it is no fun.
Something that helped me immensely was the advice of a good friend to not bring up the grievance when I was annoyed or when my S was hungry or tired. What she suggested was I set up a meeting with my S and H. I wrote up a list of what was bothering me. We followed a meeting agenda. I made the meeting about setting my boundaries and how when he did or did not do and how it made me feel. One issue for me was that I didn’t appreciate planning on him for dinner and him just not coming home. I felt used and unappreciated. I told him that from that point forward I was not going to plan on food for dinner for him unless he let me know ahead of time. It wasn’t about punishment for not being home but about me setting a boundary over an issue that bothered me.
The bathroom was an issue for me because I told him guests came to my home and used that room. Same with his bedroom smelling.
And when he moved home after college I solved the dirty clothes smelling by doing his laundry for him for $25 a week. We also at a certain point told him we love you but we don’t love living with you. That it was time for him to get his own place.
Ha! Real life meets CC! My son is here for the weekend, went to go visit friends. I told him I’d do the laundry load since I’m around and have the time, and he was properly appreciative and grateful. I went upstairs and he had clothes / towels on the floor in his room. I straightened it out because I simply can’t bear to look at it, but tomorrow when he comes home I am going to sit down with him and tell him - this isn’t cool. I wouldn’t come to your apartment and leave a room like this. I hope you didn’t leave a room like that when you’ve visited your grandparents in Florida. Man up, son. I’m not asking for white-glove here, I’m asking for picked-up and neat. We do more than enough for you, including Sam’s Club runs when you are here, making your favorite desserts so you can take them back to where you live, etc. - you can do this.
I have a 30 year old and a 27 year old.
Guess what? They mature. They are nothing like their 21 year old selves.
I listen to 20 year olds, 30 year olds… And they sound and act like 20 and 30 year olds. When they are 40 and 50 years old, they are going to sound and act like 40 and 50 year olds.
In 20 years my oldest is going to be 50. I am going to be 80. 80 may be the new 70, but 80 is still going to be 80.
So what if the kids throw their clothes on the floor? And a dirty sink means my kids are alive.
I just love watching my kids and sharing a life with them. Our lives are temporary…so I just try to enjoy everything including their dirty dishes.
I was coaching kids starting at a very young age and parents always had demands. Always had expectations.
I would hear this attitude. My kid is 8. He should be acting like he is 10.
Uhhhh no. He’s 8. Let him be 8. Enjoy his 8 year old self.
Now it is 20 years later. Now that 8 year old kid is 28.
It goes fast.