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That’s really hard for a teenager to do (and for an adult, too) when the “punishment” is so drastic. It’s one thing if he just gets yelled at. It’s another if he has to lose what he’s worked and saved for.</p>
<p>I would not make my kid pay for the deductible either but I gave her a piece of junk.</p>
<p>Chedva, I agree with you that it is really hard for either an adult or a teenager. Also, since S did nothing wrong, any resolution of this situation should not be considered by H to be a punishment for S.</p>
<p>I agree with Chedva - parents should not be arbitrary and unreasonable. Kids may not agree with what parents do but they do have to be predictable. Maybe believing that everything is someone’s fault is predictable but it is not reasonable. It doesn’t sound like this has happened to missypie’s son, but a kid with an arbitrary parent often gives up on trying to meet that parent’s expectations because the target keeps moving.</p>
<p>I think if Dad wanted S to pay, he should have put down the rules before providing car. Having a teen drive is in some ways a convenience to other drivers too. I think having an aupair was training for having a teen, and the aupair org gave us guidelines. No more than 500 deductible, and if accident happened while on official duties – mom/dad paid for. If while aupair on her time (taking car to movies with just her, for example) she paid. So along that line, IF DAD HAD LAID OUT RULES AHEAD OF TIME, I would have asked where was car parked (eg school, grocery store?)</p>
<p>For some kids, this is a good example of what the hidden costs of having a car is. Some just don’t get it until they feel it. So I think that it really depends on the kid as to whether having him pay some or all of this is a good way to go.</p>
<p>I agree with you and many of the others here, missypie. In addition, I would never make the kid pay out of Christmas gifts. Gifts are supposed to be given from the heart - and with no strings attached. I also agree with the point that if there were no ground rules set for something like this, your son should not pay. Personally, I wouldn’t make him pay in any event, since it was not his fault. I think the family history does explain a lot.</p>
<p>Wow-- does this bring back memories. </p>
<p>My Dad said he’d provide the food, clothes and shelter but anything we wanted as personal expenditures we had to earn. BUT this was made known to us very early on (by age 10) and back when you could work at all kinds of jobs: daily afternoon paper routes, mowing neighbors lawns, washing cars and dogs, watering yards in the summer when people went on vacation, sack boy at the grocery store within walking distance, etc., etc as you got big enough.</p>
<p>His corollary belief was that you did family chores “for free” but the money you earned from other sourses was yours to do with as you pleased. And, he was true to his word on this.</p>
<p>Dad provided a used car for brother and I to share in HS. He announced the rules concerning damage to to car well BEFORE we turned 15 (back then you could get hardship licenses and driver’s ed permits before you turned 16). He explained that if someone “hit and ran” there would be a deductible issue and that his rule was “he who had the car when it happened” was to pay the deductible. BUT I knew this well in advance. If I hadn’t wanted to live with this I could have bought my own “clunker.”</p>
<p>missypie–As a Dad, I think the concern is the preception of your son of the fairness of what happens now. If I, as the parent, had not given fair warning that using the family car meant the child was responsible for the deductible, I wouldn’t instate this after the fact of this accident.</p>
<p>The more difficult issue might be any future damage.</p>
<p>Feels like I’ve been there, done that.</p>
<p>When S’s car hit in school parking lot, I didn’t charge him for that. Perhaps having him pay 1/4 of the fee would be appropriate, but reverting back to the bike probably hurt more. However, if S parked in a place that was unsafe–outside a bar, near golf course range, then I would feel he was more responsible. The son of someone I know always said, “It’s not my fault” when he parked in places that to me were unsafe. I think his car was damaged at least 3x in a year, and finally totaled when he lent it to a friend.</p>
<p>So, for me, it comes down to the person and the circumstance. </p>
<p>My car was hit while in a parking lot. I would not have appreciated being chastised for occurrence, especially as I had to pay the expenses & the inconvenience. I would expect sympathy, not verbal abuse.</p>
<p>S2’s truck was broken into in the high school parking lot in broad daylight on a school day. Five other cars were broken into on the same day.<br>
A window was smashed and nice stereo and Ipod (which was in the glove box that they wrenched open) were stolen. S2 had earned the money for the stereo from his grocery store job (and installed it himself). The Ipod was a Christmas gift. He was angry and heartbroken. </p>
<p>DH knew S2 was in no way responsible. We paid to have the window fixed and helped him buy a new stereo a couple of months later.</p>
<p>Since there’s no evidence it was S’s fault, I think it would be unfair to expect him to pay for the deductible.</p>
<p>Not speaking to the particulars of this incident but; It’s been my life experience that all children and most mothers don’t/can’t/won’t discern the difference between fault and responsibility.</p>
<p>I think the members of your family should divide it up based on earned income.</p>
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<p>You make a valid point. But so does Mini:</p>
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<p>I like mini’s suggestion best, and then if you dh wants to institute his more draconian rules afterwards, that’s fine too. I do see the point that even if something isn’t your fault, it doesn’t mean you still don’t still have responsibility.</p>
<p>Well, that’s the crux of the matter. Your S earns very little and presumably has little money. He’s a student; that’s his job. </p>
<p>Your husband (and you; I don’t know) works; you earn money for unexpected expenses. </p>
<p>**** happens. </p>
<p>I agree that the comparison to the health care deductible is reasonable. Would your husband blame your S if he got sick and incurred a $500 deduc??</p>
<p>Are you gonna show your DH this thread?</p>
<p>How bad’s the damage? I might just not fix it – if it was <em>my</em> son’s used jeep with 80K+ miles on it <em>and</em> the car was serviceable and safe with the damage. </p>
<p>But I agree with the parents who feel that this is a family expense – </p>
<p>but maybe the family has to take a hit like cutting back on a vacation or some other such treat as an example to son that the family does not have unlimited funds.</p>
<p>I’ld also like to know if the child in question helps out with “house” stuf with his car – groceries, driving other kids, etc. If so, I really do think the people with the responsibility for that driving (you and dad) should pay the deductible.</p>
<p>I hate to admit it but I am a softie and would pay and not make my kids pay-even if it was their goof. Makes me feel lucky; Last summer I was parked and when I came back my front end was smushed (I had backed in to the spot). Fortunately, the accident was witnessed and there was a police report complete with all info tucked into the door-$2500 damage and I didn’t have to pay a penny.</p>
<p>The H may win the battle, but I’d bet he’ll lose the war (if it hasn’t been a foregone conclusion for years, anyway, given what you’ve said). If he wants a son that loves, respects, admires him – is this any way to go about it? Or a wife, for that matter; I’m a bit surprised the OP didn’t filed for divorce long ago given what seems to be a chronic pattern of distrust and verbal/emotional abuse.</p>
<p>The basic question is whether the H sees himself as a member of a family where everyone pulls together and shares, or living in some Ann Rand world where everyone is completely responsible for their own life. I’m surprised he isn’t charging room and board, but maybe that’s the soft side of him – cutting the kid a little slack on that one.</p>
<p>When a family suffers a financial loss, everyone cuts back because there’s less money available for the family. When a group of unrelated people live together, for example roomates at college, nobody would expect the other roomates to kick in for the deductible if the car belonging to one of them got hit. I find it very sad that your husband feels no more obligation or joint responsibility for the deductible than a couple of kids assigned by the housing office to share an apartment would feel.</p>