<p>I think that the OP’s H may still be in that intial reaction phase-- the shock of finding out your car has been damaged.</p>
<p>At 18 I was hit head-on by a drunk driver while stopped at a light. My father knew it wasn’t my fault, but seeing the damage to the the front of our new station wagon was just too much. He arrived at the accident site, walked right past me, talked to the policeman (who told him the other driver was loaded), and checked inside our car for beer or empty bottles (none, of course). He never asked if I was OK, and didn’t speak to me for days - but - neither did he ask or expect me to pay for it.</p>
<p>I’m really struggling with the “not my fault” vs. accepting responsibility for life’s unfairness with my 19 yr old D. She works her butt off to earn her money for books and spending money and is always just scraping by. We pay tuition, room, board, travel, cell phone, etc. etc. But little things keep happening that she asks/expects our help with. Someone stole (or she lost) her winter coat at a party, someone put her brand new sweater in the dryer and it shrunk, her camera got stepped on by someone. Tearful phone call: “Mom, dad… can you buy me a new winter coat, sweater, camera, etc… It wasn’t my fault…” Each of these would be small expenses for us, but huge expenses for her. I’m really sturggling with it each time. I want her to take baby steps to adulthood, accepting responsibility, learning tough life lessons, but I feel her pain at how much these unexpected expenses impact her carefully planned budget, and how hard it is for her to make additional money at her very-part-time job while working really hard at her school work which we’ve always told her is the number one priority.</p>
<p>Minnesota has (at least years ago) “no fault” car insurance- when a friend lived there her parked car was hit, that’s the only scenario in MN where both parties don’t have to share the “blame”, ie a percentage of costs. Someone from MN can amplify this. </p>
<p>Some spouses can be hard to live with, good luck with this issue.</p>
<p>My son recently ran his car’s bumper into a curb to avoid being hit by a car turning into him changing lanes. Even though the other driver was at fault, son paid for the repairs ($640)himself, and never asked or hinted that we should pay, even though it ate up his Christmas money, and then some. He also paid to replace a grill cover that fell off on a separate occasion.
I attribute this to a few factors. First, he’s 20, and he’s had this car for three years. He has worked every summer and during the school year, so he has some money of his own. He goes to college in state, and has his car with him. Our family treats the car as his , even though we paid for it and pay his insurance (he pays for gas and routine maintenance). It’s his understanding that eventually we will transfer ownership to him. I think that the fact that he is older, living at school, and generally responsible for his own possessions, paying for work on his car seemed natural.
In our case, because there’s no question that his car is “his” except for the title on the registration, he felt responsible for what happened to it, no matter what the circumstances.
Had my son been driving my car and had the same situation, I would have paid for the repairs and been thankful he had the presence of mind to avoid a collision with the other car, which could have involved injuries.</p>
<p>This brings back the memory of when someone (anonymously) smashed the side of my Dad’s truck, which I had parked at the dorm. I was so upset, and couldn’t stop crying when I called him. He let me blubber my piece and then asked, ‘was anyone hurt?’<br>
Huh? of course not. My heart overflowed when he said, ‘then, this is not a problem’.</p>
<p>He worked at a dealership, so he got a discount on the repair. I got a lesson on values.</p>
<p>Runningmom, If D is doing well in school (which to me is JOB 1) and working part-time, I think that is the most you can ask. I do discuss with my D things like not taking best coat and bag to big party. I assume she has learned either to do her own laundry, or keep an eye on when to move (do kids move each other there)?</p>
<p>I remember one particular flighty winter where I lost every coat I had. My parents didn’t say a thing…they just didnt’ buy me any more coats. I ended up wearing a 25 cent windbreaker from Goodwill in the Illinois winter.</p>
<p>An suv driven by our 19-year old son recently skidded into a car parked in front of him on an icy driveway when he released the emergency brake. This unfortunately resulted in over $2,000 worth of damage to the other car; none to the suv. Because of his age and fear of an increase in our insurance premium we (the parents) decided not to go through the insurance company. We are treating this as a learning experience and are not asking our son to pay for the repairs of the other car.</p>
<p>The car our son drives is currently in the shop. When he was home for the winter break, the parked car was hit while he was inside working (earning some extra spending money for Spring semester). A woman had slid into a moving vehicle, bounced off, and then hit 2 parked cars (one being the car that son drives). The damage is close to $5,000. The woman’s insurance is responsible for fixing a total of 4 cars—2 parked, one moving, and hers. </p>
<p>Anyway, son drove my car back to school because the other car is being repaired. We’re not going to have him pay anything. We’re paying a little extra (our choice) to have the repairs done with parts specifically for his make car rather than the generic parts that insurance companies agree to use. </p>
<p>missypie–Is there anyway you can “sneak” your son the extra money. Then your son will look like he’s paying your husband with his money. I know it’s a little sneaky but it’s not terrible. I have a zipper compartment in my wallet where I tuck a little extra for an emergency. If there’s leftover grocery money at the end of the week, I stick it in there. ;)</p>
<p>Sometimes we pay for things just because they are our kids and we want to make life easier for them. I realize this isn’t always the right parenting strategy, but we do it anyway. It’s part of being a parent- or part of loving someone for that matter. (Caveat- I’m not a good parent…)</p>
<p>actually it sounded more like he has some of those pesky rigid, inflexible, black and white Asperger genes…which may have a beneficial role somewhere but sure can wreak havoc in relationships and parenting decisions ;)</p>
<p>As much as I question topping this thread, a couple of interesting developments:</p>
<ol>
<li><p>A few days ago, a local widow with young children was killed when her SUV was absolutly flattened by an 18 wheeler. Husband’s comment was, “I wonder how she was driving that made that truck drive over her.” That is quite a way to view the world. I guess it’s more responsible than the “nothing is my fault” philosophy…it’s the opposite: We are at fault for everything bad that happens to us. </p></li>
<li><p>Yesterday, Husband got his second speeding ticket in 10 days. The sum of the tickets is just slightly lower than the deductible. (Son hasn’t received any tickets.) Hopefully, Husband won’t mention the deductible again when his own intentional acts have cost us the same amount of money.</p></li>
</ol>
station wagon was just too much. He arrived at the accident site, walked right past me, talked to the policeman (who told him the other driver was loaded), and checked inside our car for beer or empty bottles (none, of course). He never asked if I was OK, and didn’t speak to me for days - but - neither did he ask or expect me to pay for it.</p>