<p>That salary (low 40s) is what my D made in her first job out of college (graduated in 2012). She has since been promoted and gotten a raise, but on that salary she lived in DC (shares an apartment with two other young women), and pays all of her own expenses except her cell phone (I still have her on the family plan, but it is “basic phone” – if she wants a smart phone she knows she will have to pay). Your stepson is getting a heck of a deal even at $500/month.</p>
<p>Your H can give him a choice – either start paying rent by Sept 1 (due on the first of the month every month after), or look for a place on his own and move out by then. That gives him about 6 weeks to get his act together one way or the other.</p>
<p>I feel so much better about our decision. now I just have to talk my husband out of paying for something else for him ( like a long weekend away w us in SFO ) cuz he feels
guilty. love my SO but logic and his children are very rarely in the same room.</p>
<p>I may disagree with some of the others here. Based on what you’ve told us, here’s what I suggest:
Advise him you’ll not be charging him rent, and that he has 30 days to find his next home. Let him take his earnings and save them, he is old enough and schooled enough to become an adult. Or at least, a self-supporting adult. He may be looking for a dream job. You know what? I’m 55, and I’m looking for one too!
But in the meantime, I am supporting myself in my own place, working the job I’ve got, paying my bills, and doing regular adult things. If he was going to turn down jobs and live with you, he would not have needed a college degree. Was it really your plan to encourage him to go to college, and help him with college so he could graduate then continue to live in your home?
This kid is a bright, and capable and has had multiple opportunities to get a job and move out, but has passed them up. Time for him to become a man and stop living in parents home like he did when he was a child. You raised him hoping he’d be a healthy, happy, productive adult right? Let him fly, even if you have to push him from the nest.</p>
<p>If you decide to charge rent, don’t make it a bargain for him. Make it high enough that he doesn’t see the advantage of continuing to live with Mommy and Daddy. A high rent might encourage him to step out.</p>
<p>Your thread title says a lot. Similar to sybbie’s comment in post 12, it is time for him to put on his big boy pants and become an adult.</p>
<p>If only young hoss. I’m just the *****y stepmom. I am actually amazed that this idea came from my H. I was really upset when he first came home from college and showed no hustle whatsoever. Didn’t’t even start to look for a job until June / July after he graduated. The problem arises because my H travels extensively and spends significant amounts of time in SFO so he is not around to really light a fire under my stepson. I complain and then my H lectures my step-s who grin f…ks him and says " yeah , sure, your right… And nothing gets done. My stepson has been the only real source of any marital strife in 15 years. i’d be happy if he moved out and started paying for himself then, if he wants to coast in his life we wouldn’t be subsidizing his lack of zeal.</p>
<p>A friend of my son is going through a rough patch- let go from a job due to a bogus arrest for larceny, kicked out of the house he was staying at because the family was moving, no family in the area, etc. Now is having trouble getting a job because of the background check still showing the arrest for larceny. </p>
<p>He has been living in our basement since May. He now has a job at McDonalds after months of looking. We went to the courthouse on Friday and filed to have his records expunged. we told him once he gets a steady paycheck he can pay us 10% of his check as rent.</p>
<p>His response- yes ma’am, that won’t be a problem. </p>
<p>Like others have stated, we are planning on saving his money for when he gets everything together and give it to him to use as a security deposit or something. </p>
<p>He’s my summer project… this poor kid has been through a lot. A love hate relationship with his parents, now this larceny thing. Two years ago he was in the Navy, something happened and he was discharged after the Navy spoke with his adoptive father. He still wants to be in the Navy, so we’re waiting on his DD Form 214 to see what the code is for discharge. It may be possible to get him back into the military. Anyway, we’re taking it one step at a time. In the meantime, he starts tomorrow at his McDonalds job.</p>
<p>Absolutely charge him rent!! I can see however, how this may come as an unexpected surprise after all that you have given him over the years, but don’t let him bully you into backing down! If you do, you will be enabling him to free load off you for who knows how long! It is our job as parents to help our kids stand on their own two feet - unless you plan on supporting him forever. It is hard to get out there and make one’s own way. Things are expensive and sometimes you have to get a “cube” job while trying to find your perfect postition just to pay the bills.</p>
<p>I lived with my parents for a while both here and abroad after having supported myself with crappy jobs for a couple of years after college and a stint in grad school. I never paid rent. My mother’s feeling was that we always had a home with them, if we needed it. </p>
<p>On the other hand, during that period I was either looking for a job or working a temp job, and I had plans to move into an apt with a friend as soon as I could find a regular job and save up the $$ for a security deposit. My parents didn’t have to wonder whether I planned to live with them indefinitely.</p>
<p>Generally, I don’t like the idea of charging rent unless the family actually needs the money. I can’t imagine charging my kid rent. On the other hand, he hasn’t shown any signs of planning to live here indefinitely. :)</p>
<p>My husband and I agree that once our children graduate from college, they are fellow adults with the same rights and responsibilities that we have. One of those responsibilities is to “pay your way.” That either includes paying rent or, if they can’t find a job, doing work around our house that we would otherwise pay for. Even our 17 yr old realizes that he has to pull his weight - pays for his own gas, entertainment, clothes (other than “school clothes”), car insurance and phone.</p>
<p>Well, like Consolation, there are certain conditions under which I would allow my kids to live at home rent free. One would be if they were in grad school (our state university is in our town, so if they wanted to live here rent-free while in grad school – although I will not pay their tuition), they know they are free to do so. Also if my kid had some serious health problems or something like that, I think I would make sure they had a roof over their head – with me if necessary. But a perfectly healthy kid with a degree pulling down over 40K per year – it isn’t good for them to live at home with no rent, IMHO. </p>
<p>One other condition where this might be ok – D1’s boyfriend works for a consulting firm where he travels every single week. He is still living with his parents, but he is only there about 10 days/month. I don’t think he is paying rent, but he is very helpful to them and is saving up money for grad school. If his parents asked him to move or pay rent, I am sure he would do so without protest. But it just seems silly for him to rent an apartment he would never be in, and the arrangement seems to suit them all.</p>
<p>So… I can think of situations where having college grad kids at home without rent seems okay to me. But the OP’s stepson doesn’t fall in any of those categories. I hope your H can see that he is not doing his son any favors in the long run with allowing the current situation to continue.</p>
<p>^^Similar situation. S2 graduated from college last summer. He lives with us. He’s been working full-time for a little more than nine months. His job entails a lot of travel. He has been gone for weeks and even months at a time since starting his job last Oct. We don’t feel he needs to pay us rent since he’s away fr. home regularly. He is saving money so he can move out and will have to buy furniture and everything else needed for living on his own. He pays all his personal bills(phone/internet/insurance/vehicle maintenance/food) His plan is to move out in Sept. and get a rental w/ a friend. He’s very easy to live with so DH and I are fine with the arrangement.</p>
<p>Honestly, when I read the title of this thread, I thought, what? Why would you make your kid do that? My son graduated in May, moving out for full time work in August, and I love having him home for the summer. He was going to start a full time internship before his job started, right after graduation (across the country) and not come home at all. It fell through, and I treasure having him here. Just having him in the room, a few bits of conversation, a hug, seeing his sweet face…I love every minute of it and I know this is so fleeting. Will he ever come back home?</p>
<p>On the other hand, when I read your post, I totally agree with charging rent. That would drive me crazy because I expect my kids to be highly motivated and independent, not bumming it forever and waiting for something to fall in their lap. It sounds like your stepson has plenty of brains, personality and potential. Perhaps it’s just to easy to hang out at home and not go for it. Now that would change my mind!</p>
<p>One of my favorite lines: “There is no fate but what we make for ourselves”.
The great philosopher, John Connor, Terminator.
Your stepson needs to get to it and start his life. He needs to stop waiting for the bigger, better deal. You sound like a great stepmom.</p>
<p>We were delighted to have S at home before his job started, while he was awaiting his security clearance for an excellent position. He helped around our home and his grandparents. It was not a hardship for us financially having him with us and he had no income coming in. We did not charge him any rent because we all knew he’d be moving 5000 miles away for his job as soon as his job started. </p>
<p>In a situation like OP’s, I’d certainly charge rent and try to make it as close to market rates as possible. His presence is not good for him, his dad or your marriage. Some need to be more uncomfortable before they will move.</p>
<p>You mentioned that you are “extremely well off”. That would seem to explain a lot about the attitude of entitlement your SS displays. He feels his status as the son of a very wealthy man should automatically afford him the luxury of an easy existence. Dad can afford it, after all. Easily. So, why should he live like a commoner? It should be pointed out, however, that even William and Harry work—and they happen to be actual Princes. This hot house flower could mightily benefit from the experience of standing in a brisk wind for a change.</p>
<p>Let me agree with most everybody else: that would drive me crazy. We never charged any of ours rent but that’s because all of them left as soon as they could even when they couldn’t really afford it. Of course, we kept them broke from high school on. Never bought them clothes after 16, never bought them a car or paid any of their expenses except tuition and room and board at college. So they were used to paying their way and living poor for awhile was apparently better than living with us.</p>
<p>Yours must have it way too good at home. I would set the Sept 1 deadline to either pay rent or move out. I’d also cut out anything else you’re providing for him. Including food. Does he have his own health and car insurance?</p>
<p>Our D1 never came home to live after graduation so rent issues never came up. D2 graduated this spring and is back home currently attending grad school full time. We do not charge her rent. She leaves at 6:30 AM and returns home anytime between 6 and 8:00 PM so we don’t see much of her. She loves to do the yard work and will gladly do chores when we ask. Her dad loves that he has a golf partner on the weekends. She is getting married next summer so we know she will be moving out. We will miss having her here.</p>
<p>I have an older brother who is quite a bit older than I, and he never went away to college. He lived at home, and kept right on doing it until age 31! He never paid a penny to my parents, and my father worked two jobs all those years to make ends meet. My mother worked too. He often used his salary to go to fine restaurants, Broadway shows etc. I don’t remember him treating my parents to such events ever. He is a selfish self absorbed person, and all those years of being taken care of (even had his laundry done) can’t have helped. He also was underemployed some of the time, since he never had a position that he felt acknowledged all of his personal assets. </p>
<p>In full disclosure, we took in my step D a number of years ago for a few months. I felt as if it was a charity case since she was in poor condition physically and mentally. She had no job, and had come from out of state. Ostensibly she was studying for grad school exams. Obviously she paid no rent. In a few months she felt better and went to stay with her mother (which is where she had come from.) Shortly after that she found a way to leave there and live on her own. Now she is married with her own family.</p>
<p>I’ve always liked the idea of rent as “forced savings,” because at least here, you need three months’ of rent to move into a place.</p>
<p>My dad’s motto (one of many) is “That’s why they call it ‘work’”. It isn’t about personal fulfillment (although it can be), but people pay you to do things that they want to get done. On one hand, youth is a good time to get all that idealism out of your system; on the other, you have to eventually grow up and - shocker!- do something as bourgeous as work in a cubicle.</p>
<p>In your situation, I think charging him rent is fine - just build in a mechanism/timeline for payment. I’m guessing he has no money currently- so WHEN would he be expected to start paying?</p>
<p>For our kids, living at home with Mom and Dad is an unattractive last resort. We have house rules. Most adults wouldn’t want to abide by them on a permanent (more than 3 days) basis. </p>
<p>Everybody has to be home and quiet by 10 pm on weekdays or 12 am on weekends. Actually even on weekends, after 10 is quiet time. We will feed you very well, and we will give you gas money to find a job. We don’t pay for recreation (as a rule) unless it’s “whole family” type recreation. There have been exceptions made, but it’s typically been for a kid who has been very responsible, is working, volunteering, or some other type of really trying, and needs a day away and we just want to bless them. Guests must leave at 9:30 pm. No opposite sex guests in bedrooms with doors closed. Clean up after yourself in all common areas, participate in regular assigned chores, and keep your room clean.</p>
<p>Most adults don’t really like it…and they find a way to leave. It would be hard to impose these rules though, if they were not ALWAYS house rules. Because they were at our house, our kids aren’t shocked by them as adults.</p>
She is getting married next summer so we know she will be moving out. We will miss having her here.</p>