<p>Unless I’m mistaken, the OP mentioned the stepson has $40k in annual income even working part-time. </p>
<p>My first job was a bit less than that and I was paying around $500 to share a 3.5 bedroom apartment with 3 other roommates in the greater Boston area. My parents were also in no position to provide any financial assistance even if I had needed it. </p>
<p>Agree with charging rent. </p>
<p>However, I’m curious as to whether the stepson is trying to play a “guilt-trip” on the father for remarrying and how the fact Op is the stepmother is playing into the dynamics of this entire situation. It may be helpful in devising more effective tactics or at least…defusing stepson’s strategies/arguments.</p>
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<p>There’s no way I’d be able to abide by that even at 17 as when I was home on breaks as a first-year undergrad, some part-time work I did with an employer who knew me from childhood would go so late I’d often arrive home as late as 12 midnight or a little later on weekdays.</p>
<p>I stand corrected. I missed the part about the income. YES!!! In that case, I’d DEFINITELY charge rent. This individual could live on their own on that much in most states, and is taking advantage, IMO.</p>
<p>And on the curfew - YES - it’s probably the biggest sticking point for the kids, but they know and expect it. They get jobs that fit the mold. If they HAD to get a job that ran late, of course an exception would be structured…but so far it hasn’t been a show-stopper.</p>
<p>What the rules result in for us is a peaceful household.</p>
<p>Don’t charge him rent. Just calculate his share of all household expenses, including the mortgage payments. You don’t charge each other rent, do you? I’m only sort of kidding–you really could say, “It’s not rent. It’s just your share.”</p>
<p>He’s working and making in the low 40’s, you bought him a car, and he “objects” to paying rent?! I’d kick him out–and wish him good luck to him in finding as nice a place as yours for $500/mo. Plus utilities. </p>
<p>Yes, definitely charge him rent. (Though I’d prefer evicting him.) $500 is a bargain. Is he eating your food, too?
He’s invading your privacy and causing you stress. It’s your house. Don’t put up with it.</p>
<p>The young man is acting like a jerk and you’re letting him take advantage of you. He wouldn’t treat his friends/other adults like this. Well past time for him to pay his own way.</p>
<p>We don’t have any curfew for our kids when they are home (they ARE adults now). They do need to let me know where they are going, call if they change plans, and let me know if they will be coming home later than they intially said they would. I am okay with a late phone call letting me know what is going on if plans change. Also okay with them having friends over as late as they want to, their friends are pretty respectful and quiet – might have a bonfire in the back yard or play cards downstairs – I can’t recall being awakened by then. I treat them like adults, and in return they act respectfully.</p>
<p>I would move out, too, if I had a curfew like the one at Cromette’s house.</p>
<p>My D1 lives at home and pays no rent. However, until June she was working full time and paying her way through grad school, so we rarely saw or fed her. She starts her career position in September and we expect her to be here for another year while she adds to her condo down payment. She doesn’t pay rent and we won’t ask for that, however as a teacher, she helps with her you her brother in ways that are far above my ability and she also does a lot of driving and errand running. Since I hate, hate, hate to drive, that is worth more than any rent that could be paid. My kids will always have a home with me no matter what.</p>
<p>I think your last sentence(post 46) is much on the mark, intparent. The hope of the OP is that the son will soon be a self supporting adult. With that in mind, they don’t want to make the parents home so appealing that the kid doesn’t want to go. Quite the contrary- they want to encourage him to go. He is bright, healthy and capable- just not motivated.</p>
<p>Many people here have stated many sound reasons to exceptions of the idea of getting out and supporting oneself like an adult. But as one previous poster astutely pointed out, those exceptions do not apply to the Op’s circumstance.</p>
<p>My adult son lives with us. He pays enough “rent” to cover his share of expenses (utilities, some of his food–he works a lateshift job so often not home for meals, and we are away on weekends). He is a presence in the house when we’re away.</p>
<p>Frankly, I can 't imagine giving an adult a curfew! I don’t even want late phonecalls, and for that matter, I don’t need to know plans unless he’s going to be away several days–I no more need to keep track of his day-to-day whereabouts than those of his sister who lives in her own home. He’s 27–I have long ago out-grown a need to be informed if he doesn’t come home for a night.</p>
<p>We have I curfew, but do have two rules - let me know if you aren’t sleeping here, and if you haven’t told a parent that you will be in this house for dinner, it will be strictly coincidental that there is food for you.</p>
<p>We ask to be informed if the kids are sleeping here for logistical reasons. If they are coming home we leave lights on. If someone comes home in the dark, our dog takes pride in lying in wait to unexpectedly take a nip out of a foot, even his own girl. We like to prevent the ensuing ruckus.</p>
<p>It seems to me like you have the ultimate leverage, if you’re letting him live at home. He’s an adult, and he is not entitled to a free ride. If he’s unhappy about the idea of paying you rent, he is welcome to leave and pay rent to someone else.</p>
<p>My brother stayed at home rent-free for quite a while after college, and it seems like the only person who was really unhappy with the situation was him. He wanted to move out, but everyone told him not to. He had a full-time, well-paying job in our town (it was close enough that he could come home for lunch if he wanted to), and he would have had to pay rent to have a longer commute (we live in an expensive area too). My parents don’t have any real restrictions on him (they like to be aware if he’s going to be home for dinner or if he’s going out, restrict him from buying really expensive things like a car unless he can pay cash), and my brother pays his own expenses, except for his phone (family plan) and food. My parents don’t really mind as long as he is saving, and my dad’s rule was always that if he charged rent, he would charge whatever he thought he should be saving.</p>
<p>I think things work out differently for every family, but if you or your husband are not pleased with your current relationship, you have a right to change it. I don’t think you or your husband should feel guilty about charging your son rent, if he is acting like he is entitled to a better job and a free home, rather than working for it.</p>
<p>My only hesitation would be the perception of being the evil stepmother, but, hey, this is his dad’s idea so as long as it’s presented that way I’m all for it.</p>
<p>I’ve said this before on cc – You don’t want a kid who was born on third but thinks he hit a triple. It’s time he grows up and stops living off his dad’s largesse. I’m sure he thinks he can just wait around long enough to get an inheritance and never have to have a real job.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine ds2 ever moving back home, but ds1 graduates next year and I can totally see him moving back home for a while. One, he loves his hometown and wants to live here. Two, he has no idea what he wants to do next and may end up in grad school in a year or two. The great news is that he’s easy and a joy to have around, the kind of kid who empties the dishwasher without being asked, thanks us for dinner, etc. If he does move home, we absolutely will charge him rent. I really think it’s important to learn to pay your own way, balance a checkbook, live the concept of X dollars in and fewer dollars out, saving, etc. The good news is that he’s as tight as a tick and is really good about money. Maybe too good. He doesn’t know how to spend and have fun. He may live with us forever just to save money! We’d probably give back half of what he pays in rent.</p>
<p>My D (25) knows if she ever were to move back home (willingly) she’ll be paying rent. That is impetus enough for her to make it work right where she is! We’re both very happy.</p>
<p>intparent, we don’t consider the house rules especially stringent, since EVERYONE in the house abides by them and always has, with exceptions being made when absolutely necessary. It’s just the way our house runs, and it’s in an attempt to make it a livable environment for everyone. We have a small house. It’s impossible NOT to hear someone entering late - and I go to work EARLY, and my husband has problems sleeping, and will wake if anyone enters. So it’s a courtesy, to those working people in the household that pay the note, provide the roof, etc. It’s not meant to be a punishment…but yes, it is conveniently unpleasant for young adults looking to exert their independence.</p>
<p>Our answer…“We completely understand. We would feel the same way. We don’t want someone making rules for us either! How can we help you to make a plan to get your own place and get that independence you want so badly?” :)</p>
<p>Cromette, sounds like things are working out ok for you and your H. I always feel bad for H when the kids are visiting and they stay up much later than H or me. They are quiet, but sometimes it does make it harder for him to sleep, and he wakes and leaves the house VERY early. As he’s retiring on Friday, he will have a LOT more control over he’s schedule and can sleep and wake when he chooses. </p>
<p>Nice that you offer to help kids figure out how they can swing things to get their own places.</p>
They can only stay until their tourist visa runs out!</p>
We’re both very happy.</p>