Kids paying rent at home

Parent Cafe
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<p>HImom, exactly. Not a big deal for a night or two, but adopting a LIFESTYLE of not getting enough sleep because people are in and out of the house and disturbing your sleep is too much to ask IMO.</p>

<p>Being asked to adhere to a curfew and a few household rules (even for an adult) while having your car insurance paid for, a car provided, home cooked meals, a roof over your head, utilities, your own private bedroom - it’s not to big of a price to pay for a little while. And a little while is all it should be, I think.</p>

<p>D2 & D3 go off to school in August, and they both follow the rules, and it hasn’t been a terribly big deal. They get in on time, and then on weekends, we girls often all hang out together in someone’s room with the door shut, and the hall door shut watching a movie and eating snacks. :slight_smile: It’s certainly not doom and gloom and the end of the world.</p>

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<p>Thank you all so much for your responses. Just got done w work. Our family dynamic vis a vis my step-son has always been complicated. Their mom left when the 2 boys were 8 and 11 and I came on the scene soon after w my own 4 year old precious bundle of joy. Their mom wasn’t really in the picture much. My H is a great guy. Charming, handsome, successful and felt guilty that he wasn’t able to hold his marriage together. So, their were lots of frozen pizzas and mcdonald’s and homework in front if the tv and Late night bedtimes… And who shows up w fresh veggies and a nose like a beagle for undone homework assgts?? Me. As I have said repeatedly to my lovely H " you and your ex-wife were so lucky that for the last 4 years you’ve had someone who can be the B… Tch of the family while you two get two be the best friend and all around good guy" This is why I know my husband’s worried about this kids lack of drive. I’m talking about a smart, smart kid. Ivy league potential, couldn’t be bothered to turn in homework in high school.
I think the lack of drive is not so much laziness, but a fear that if he veers in one tangent, he will be missing a whole other, better, more fun and creative job, so he makes NO plans. Actually that’s not true. He did apply recently to work as an admin in an embassy somewhere with no internships, connections and then of course he just wrangled an interview to be the chief marketing officer of a small start up. He of course has never had a marketing job or internship or even a course … So I don’t hold out any real hope of him getting either of those jobs. Anything he applies for he will not get and anything he can get he doesn’t want. Kind of like dating but that’s another tale.</p>

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<p>Actually, the late nights are the duration of visits by the young adults–weeks for S and months for D. H rarely grumbles because we are just glad to have the “kids.” Will be nice when no one has to wake early. :)</p>

<p>Never had a curfew when growing up and never had one for our kids. We are all as quiet as possible once anyone has gone to sleep. They mostly quietly use their computers in their room until they choose to sleep. They are considerate about being quiet. ;)</p>

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<p>Ugh, Cheekymonkey! Best of luck to you and your H. I think H has to take the reigns here. I’d just sit back if I were you. Let him be the bad guy for a while!</p>

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<p>Oh and I appreciate the suggestions about curfews and stuff but it wouldn’t work. My youngest is at home and he doesn’t have one and my H is not at home so I really don,t think it would be a plus in our complicated family dynamic to have me be the enforcer for yet another set of expectations. I am just waiting for the day when my H and I have shoved them all out of the nest and I can get my life back. Traveling, reading, hanging around w my friends…</p>

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<p>Oh and it hasn’t been 4 years but 14 years of me being the " bad cop" . Honestly though, if you all met him you would love him. He really is phenomenal socially … Old people love him, he has loads of friends, he is kind and generous …</p>

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<p>somehow posted in the wrong thread</p>

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<p>I think tom has stepped into the wrong thread. ;)</p>

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<p>My question would be if he is making in the low 40’s, you bought him a car and he’s not paying rent. What is he doing with his paycheck?</p>

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<p>My main issue with the OP’s step-son would be the attitude – that he resents being told he should be paying rent. </p>

<p>IMO, if he doesn’t like the deal, he can be encouraged to look for a better one.
**
DISCLAIMER:**
Both my kids lived at home rent-free for periods after undergrad. D was working full-time, paying off her student loans and an old car she bought from us, and saving for grad school. When she went to grad school she lived on her own, paid all her own grad school expenses (although was funded so had no tuition and was a TA), and then after grad school got a new job in her new city. But she never paid us rent.</p>

<p>S, college grad '12, now lives with us. He is working full-time in his field and paying off his student loans (only the Staffords, like his sis) at double the expected rate and also paying us parents $500/month for the new but modest car we bought for him. (Basically, he got his car loan at the bank of mom and dad.) He is very helpful around the house – takes care of trash, does some landscaping, will cook, shop, and bails me out when I have computer trouble. </p>

<p>I would rather he expedite payment of his loans than pay us rent. He will buy groceries and occasionally takes us parents out to dinner to show his appreciation. When I cook for him he thanks me. (And when he cooks for me I thank him.) His GF is in vet school and will have heavy loans when she finishes, so I encourage him to save now while he has the opportunity, so they will have a cushion when they hitch up (presumably – dating seven years).</p>

<p>We allow him to have friends stay in our guest room when they are in town visiting and we have no curfew but he tends to lead a simple, low key life. He shares his plans with us and we are fine with whatever he is doing. Our only issue is that I sometimes nag him to clean up after himself in the kitchen and bathroom and to keep his room reasonably decent. I tell him how fortunate he is to have such a good setup but feel it would be wasteful for him to get his own place at this point. (GF’s grad school is five hours away.)</p>

<p>Back on topic:</p>

<p>OP’s situation is more challenging as she is a step-parent and the young man seems to have an entitlement issue. Those who say the dad should take command here are absolutely right IMO. Stepmom needs to step aside, as she seems to be doing, but I appreciate that can be hard as she lives with the situation. </p>

<p>The attitude is the main problem I see – if his attitude underwent a revision, I suspect the other issues would be helped. Perhaps a month of couch surfing would be good attitude rehab.</p>

<p>Hope progress and a mutually satisfying resolution can occur.</p>

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<p>I agree that the DAD needs to be the heavy, while the Stepmom takes a supporting role. If DAD doesn’t start fixing this situation, it will only worsen. A therapist can easily support this position if dad needs even more backup, since the S/SS is not improving by being allowed to be entitled and it is creating stress in the marriage.</p>

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<p>

Sounds like you care more about these stepsons than your H does! You’re the enforcer and they are the Disneyland dad and mom. How did that happen?</p>

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<p>Many young people would prefer to live the cushy suburban lifestyle -a much, much nicer place, safe, clean, maybe a neighborhood pool or recreational facilities nearby -BUT they haven’t earned it. And there lies the motivation. What they can afford, well it isn’t pretty, but I think moving out is very necessary.</p>

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<p>^Whoa. that’s not what we all live, here. no cushy suburbs in my home. A mile from deep inner city, no pools or rec facilities, tinier house than you can imagine, annoying bus ride from work.</p>

<p>Sometimes it seems like everyone on Cc thinks everyone else lives the same UMC livestyle.</p>

<p>News flash: we don’t.</p>

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<p>Cheekymonkey, nope, I haven’t charged my kids rent but I think I would in your stepson’s case. It sounds like your dh has a big heart but I think your dh should think about what he really wants. Would it be ok with your dh if his son was underemployed (as it was for him to get grades and presumably attend a college below his potential)? If so, charge him $500/ month rent. It sounds to me like the young man will continue living with you and drifting because $500 isn’t enough to crimp his lifestyle and he’s living a very cushy life with that income. If your dh really wants him out, he needs to set a date or charge substantially more rent. </p>

<p>If he wants to help him find the right job but doesn’t really care where the kid lives, he may want to waive part of the rent if he gets an internship in a certain field or a full-time job. (I might even say $800/month rent, waived down to $500 if he interns 20 hours a week or gets a ft job.) By the way, your stepson sounds like a natural salesperson. You said your dh is a self-made man. Does he have his own business where he may be able to place his son? I realize that’s still being born on third base but a trusted employee is a valuable asset.</p>

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<p>Man, he really needs to man up and grow up.</p>

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<p>My H has already offered up several connections and practically guaranteed jobs , but unfortunately they were not in Paris or London or Washington and they were starter " cube jobs" . Oh well, he has not really spoken to me for the last 2 days but he has been spending a lot of time on his computer, hopefully looking for a " real" job or a new living situation(lol). He has been asked if he would like to apply for a full time job at Siemens but he says he’s not interested… Sigh… I feel so old! When I got out of college I took the first job that was offered and never looked back! I spoke w older step-S about this yesterday and his take is that middle step- s wants the type of job that, when you tell people what you do, they are speechless w awe and amazement . He doesn’t want to settle for " ordinary" . My H and I are of the school " follow the $" .</p>

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<p>I understand that not everyone is of the follow-the-money school but there are limits. I have a creative kid who changed majors from science to humanities and wants to go into an area that is a long shot. Because kiddo earned a full ride and stuck through four years of college in a school that was excellent but didn’t have the internships or flexibility in the area of interest (kiddo chose colleges with one major in mind but, after a few years, changed field of interest), I told kiddo they had a year to live at home, rent-free and get a portfolio and/ or internships. I figured I could offer a free year of room and board since kiddo stuck through this school and saved me four years of college tuition/ room/ board. It’s two months since graduation and, so far, kiddo has been turned down by dozens of internships. I’m sad for kiddo but not upset; it’s all fine with me (not so fine with my extended family who seem to think I should make kiddo move on to a plan B now). I think time limits are important or we become stuck.</p>

<p>Oh, one other thing: I have found out that many of those jobs that leave you speechless and amazed-- you know, the people you know who you think, ‘How did they get that job?’-- are lies. I have seen the LinkedIn pages of former coworkers and let’s just say that many have padded their resumes and personal histories. He should know that not everything people say is true and that people often leave out their grunt jobs once they’ve gone a few steps up the ladder.</p>

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<p>This is insane. And apparently not all that uncommon: today my oldest related that 3 of his coworkers (all new grads) are quitting their jobs. Why? They were “yelled at” by the boss for being late with work, missing a morning meeting, and the third just has decided the job isn’t all that great. Admittedly, it is a workplace with difficulties, none of them particularly severe or unusual (sometimes, the boss is just a pain) The kicker – NONE of them have another offer, or have even looked for new jobs. They just “were tired of being yelled at”.</p>

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<p>^ they need to feel more panicked and vulnerable ~ concerned about where their next meal is coming from (so to speak), or that they can’t make rent, or their car will get repossessed.</p>