Anyone else have kids like this? Neither my S16 or S18 has liked school since middle school. Both are bright (the oldest was NMSF), but they both really dislike going to school. The oldest just chose not to do work he didn’t like. It didn’t keep him from going to college, although it did limit his options. I get the impression that he feels the same way about college. Of course he needs to keep a 3.0 to keep his scholarship, so I’m guessing he’ll do enough to keep it. It bothers S18 when he doesn’t do well, but he really hates a lot of the work.
Where did they get this from? If you believe this kind of thing has a hereditary component, the finger unfortunately points straight at me. I never said anything negative about school and tried to be encouraging until they both started talking about not liking school. At that point I let them know that I felt the same way when I was in school. “Hate” may be too strong a word for everything except Algebra, but I strongly disliked it. I didn’t enjoy college very much either, but I tolerated it and didn’t find it difficult. If “getting on down at the plant” had been an option when I graduated, I probably would have gone that route. Fortunately (in the long run), there was nothing available to high school graduates with no sales/mechanical aptitude that one could do to make a living. There weren’t many options after college either (recession), so I got a Master’s in Library Science. I’ve had a good career, so it was worth a few unenjoyable years.
I guess I’m feeling a little guilt over my sons’ attitude toward school, even though I don’t think there’s anything I could have done differently. My wife always enjoyed her classes, but I tended to either tolerate or actively dislike mine. It isn’t that I don’t enjoy learning. What I don’t like is being directed, and there’s no topic that can hold my interest very long. That’s one reason I like being a school librarian; I’m helping students research different topics, but I don’t need to teach anything in depth except the process of locating, evaluating, and organizing information.
Is it that unusual that someone who never liked school would end up with a Master’s degree? I certainly hope that our sons enjoy college more than I did, and that they’re able to find careers they like. Sorry for the length of the post; it has made me feel better. Anybody else here been through something similar?
I wouldn’t say my D17 hates school, but she is very apathetic about it. I’d say she considers it an “necessary annoyance” She really has no clue what she wants to major in. I printed our a list of all the majors and minors at one of the likely schools on her list and asked her to cross off any that she doesn’t ever want to take another class about…She crossed them all off She has always been this way - I have had to choose her class schedules all her life as she really didn’t care (she liked or disliked all classes equally - “school is school” she’d say)
She is a great student - and like your S18 wants to do well and get good grades and go to a good school…but she really doesn’t have that love for learning like some kids have. It makes writing these app essays pretty hard. I am really hoping that a smaller LAC will help her connect to something in the curriculum and figure out her purpose. I keep reminding myself she is still just a kid and has plenty of time.
“If you believe this kind of thing has a hereditary component, the finger unfortunately points straight at me.”
Not hereditary. If it were, my D would love school, just like her nerdy parents did. Someone once asked her “What is your favorite part of school?” Her reply … “Leaving.” And it really does frustrate us, because she is absolutely brilliant. If she cared even one iota, she might have the capacity to cure cancer or something.
Yes- my S18 says that all the time. He doesn’t even like college visits because “what difference does it make? It’s school.” Fortunately he does very very well in school but it really bothers me that he does not like it. He loads up on AP classes so he is not lazy. When people suggest that he is very smart and should go to a highly selective school, I just say “I don’t think so.” I am
hoping that it is because his passion is going to be something not covered in the typical high school curiculum.
My S18 burned out so badly that he’s in sort of a semi-permanent gap year/ decade, until he decides that he’s no longer burned out. We actually feel relaxed and happy for the first time in years . . . . and he’s happy to have his own wonderful mind all to himself for a change, instead of boring boring work from school.
I loved school. But learned to hate it through his experience.
My son saw school as a necessary evil. But he did keep up very good grades, without grubbing for them. The main way he coped was to make sure that his hours at school were just that. He seemingly never brought schoolwork home. He would do his Spanish homework in his math class, math in his history class, and so on. By the time he got home, he could spend however much time he wanted on his hobbies (fantasy sports) and extra-curricular interests (debate).
We were often surprised to learn that he had turned in papers to his English classes and others that we were not aware he had written – or when!
I have discussed online self paced high schools to my S and he says “No way. I like being around people my age.” The theory that a bad social atmosphere or jock culture was the source of his dislike went out the window on that one.
I like learning but I can’t claim that I would like to write a paper on books I read or take quizzes asking me about details as a way to check if I actually read it. I think sometimes I forget about those things when I remember school fondly.
My kids are good students and do well socially so they understand need of schooling but they don’t like this public school system. In our district long hours, cut throats competition, unnecessary testing, indifferent counselors, big schools, red tape and lack of understanding from teachers and administration really takes it away from learning academics and exploring extracurriculars. Pressure of not being good enough for good colleges or merit scholarships adds to this maniac race.
If we had to do it again, we would enroll them into smaller private grade schools with more relaxed environment and then send them to LACs.
Amen. D17 used to love reading, until she was exposed to Literatoor :)) in high school. (She still loves reading, actually, just nothing she was assigned to read.)
One of my S’s favourite quotes from Terry Pratchett:
“Susan hated Literature. She’d much prefer to read a good book.”
S tells me that he still regrets taking regular Lit classes in school rather than H or AP. It was a conscious decision made to keep the work load in check, but in H or AP lit classes they discussed and wrote about the ideas, the concepts in the books rather than checking the names and specific actions of heroes (S could never remember those).
As for the school in whole, both my kids hated elementary and middle schools (academical part only, of course) - BORING.
It seems to me that boredom is the main reason a kid wouldn’t like school, so the only option is to try to change school to someplace better - if only it was so easy or even possible!
It would not be surprising if many students in school (including college) see school as merely a stepping stone to whatever career they are seeking, whether they are in high school, community college for some trade education, or an elite college aiming for a Wall Street or management consulting job.
When my kids complain about school, it’s usually in the form of complaints about the work load. The homework and assignments become a complete joyless grind. All the energy & focus goes to just getting what needs to be done done, and getting a good grade. That’s the part that wears them down.
The other thing they’ve complained about is the quality of teaching. Meaning, if the goal of the class is to get the students to understand the concepts and do well on tests and quizzes, why aren’t more students doing well? I thought it interesting that both of them tended to lay that one at the feet of the teachers and less on the students. I understand them as saying that from their perspective, the goal isn’t to make sure everyone, or even most, are competent in the material being taught, it’s about intentional weeding, and it has at times felt unfair or unnecesary or even adversarial to them.
Our youngest, who went to a small private HS, was thrilled when the consultants who were hired by the school proclaimed that the kids were being given far too much homework. In addition, because class times were so short, the consultants said the students were essentially left to teach themselves the material out of the book, at home. The school is moving to a block schedule and attempting to implement many of the suggestions the consultants gave. D felt it was a win for future students at the school.
Both kids ended up hating math, and the hatred affected their choice of major in college. Have to take Calc again? Forget it.
My oldest never liked school. It started about 5th grade. He did love to read and he loved the History channel and he loved a couple classes…all four years of Latin and his senior AP English class. He was eligible for gifted programs, NHS and a whole bunch of stuff he declined. He lettered in two sports. He wrote his college essay about how much he disliked high school. He enjoyed college, got his degree and is still a huge reader and sometime writer and he still likes the History channel. As someone says loving high school is not the same as loving learning. Not all kids love the one-size-fits-all version of high school and the high school social scene. I did not like high school either but am a lifetime learner so i totally “got” him. His brother on the otherhand we affectionately nicknamed Mr. High School.
My S saw school (high school and college) as a necessary evil. He did it because he knew he should. He is extremely intelligent, but he only did what he needed to do to get through college (somehow he was cum laude, but it wasn’t due to his hard work). He didn’t do anything extra in high school or college. He played in a band, wrote and recorded music, hung out with friends, and watched TV. He did not set the world on fire in school.
But you know what? He is a great young man. He is funny, smart, good to talk to. He has a great girlfriend. He lives on his own, has a job he kind-of-likes-and-hopes-it-is-a-stepping-stone-to-a-better-job-someday. He talks about getting his master’s in the future (and we don’t push - he needs to do it because HE wants to do it).
Except for the bullying in middle and high school, I loved school and college. Both of my sons greatly dislike it, though one is in college (loves the fun side of college though LOL).
She really has no clue what she wants to major in. I printed our a list of all the majors and minors at one of the likely schools on her list and asked her to cross off any that she doesn’t ever want to take another class about…She crossed them all off 
She has always been this way - I have had to choose her class schedules all her life as she really didn’t care (she liked or disliked all classes equally - “school is school” she’d say)