you might want to read thru the pages at http://www.psychologicalselfhelp.org/Chapter4/chap4_78.html about procrastination. While I’m no psychologist, I wonder if the “afraid of failing” description fits? Someone planning on a high-end college can see themselves as capable of great things but of course the reason they didn’t do so on this or that assignment is they started late so it wasn’t a fair measure. And by constantly starting late they avoid ever having to face the chance that they can’t do the amazing work they see themselves as capable of.
@mikemac - she’s definitely not the “afraid to fail” type described at that link (using procrastination as an explanation for failure). She has a >95 average in most of her classes and a UW 4.00 for K-10 (in the gifted/accelerated track since K). It’s a focus thing – where she’s not interested in the stuff and deadline pressure is required to get her focused on the task. My wife is the ultra-methodical type, so seeing D18 procrastinate drives her batty.
D’s main stress is from her social life at HS (if anything, that’s the “afraid to fail” situation). I think that’s spilling over into the lack of interest/motivation in classes. What’s weird is that when we go on a cruise she’ll bond with a gang of kids and be out until the early morning. Back at home, she’s isolated again. We don’t get it.
@MassDaD68 , you ask good questions, IMO. I will be honest about what we did. Our D wanted to go into a particular field, and he applied to schools with that program. He was accepted to an in-state school that is highly-regarded for the program, and he had an automatic scholarship based on ACT/gpa, He said he really preferred a private school that also has a good program in that field, but it was a lot more expensive. I sat him down & told him that I didn’t believe it made sense to spend that much more money for that school. I asked him to articulate what made the other school worth the money. He could not, and he realized that it didn’t make sense for him to go there. And … partway through freshman year, he decided against that program, transferred to a school near home, and finished his studies at that school.
But in my S’s case, the “does not care” attitude never carried over to the workplace. Even when his job was stocking shelves in the pet aisle at the local store, he worked really, really hard. He has always had glowing reviews from his employers.
@mom2and, I’m a librarian. I’ve worked in college, public, and elementary school libraries. My inability to focus on anything for too long serves me well when I have 20 kids in the library at once, all of whom are panicking because they just realized their projects are due tomorrow. That actually happened today; my ability to move from one thing to the other quickly kept me from going insane.
Reading this thread makes me feel so much better! I only wish that my youngest son would see school as a ‘necessary’ evil. He just sees it as an evil, and doesn’t really seem to care much at all what grades he gets. Our older two kids are very bright, love learning, and love school. The youngest? Not so much. I think he’s probably very smart as well, but he’s just totally uninterested in learning. He enjoys being in class and is a great participant. But when he walks out the door of the classroom, that’s it, he’s done with it.
Both of my DS’s see/saw HS as a ‘necessary’ evil. A lot has to do with the teachers at the public hs. They had certain areas they loved either because of a passion or because of the teacher but they were few and far between. They do what has to be done to get the grades but when they’ve truly applied themselves they’ve shocked themselves at what they can do. Now that he’s in college and past the gen eds DS1 loves most of his classes (and as a mechanical eng. major they aren’t easy) and he doesn’t complain about the time spent like he would about an English paper.
@MassDaD68 – you wait until the care before you send them to college. college is always out there waiting. There’s no rush. Give them a chance to get their feet wet in the world–for as long as they want. There’s no rush and in fact several pathways open to older students that are denied to regular-age students.
@Dustyfeathers You might just be right Dusty. It may end up going that way. I would feel disappointed though. He is much smarter than I was and has a lot more opportunities than I had. To squander that away would make me sad.
@mstomper I didn’t hate school but I hated having to read text books. I love reading fiction but when it came time to read the dry, boring textbooks, it took everything I had to get myself to do it. I also have a job that allows me to hop from project to project so I don’t get bored with just one thing. My DS likes school but doesn’t like the repetitive homework. Here’s to hoping that college will be different. He plans to study something that he really enjoys so I’m hoping his classes will be more interesting.
It is very rare to find a teenager who doesn’t complain about school and resent all the time it takes up. My daughter often will say that she misses elementary and middle school. High school is rough and the hw eats up most of your freetime. Hopefully all of our kids will enjoy learning for learning’s sake once the crazy demands are gone ( after college?)
@jedwards70, I hated school from day one. I just wanted to go to the library and find things out for myself. Btw, S18 had a great semester academically. I still don’t think he liked it, though.
@MassDaD68 Hmm I’m interested why you use the word “squandered”. To put off college for awhile to my mind isn’t squandering but making the most of the resources available. What would be a waste would be to go immediately and to just go through the motions. Parents seem to see this as a race, get to college instantly and do great! And move into Career! and you’ll be All Set! It’s not that simple. To my mind taking time before college makes a lot of sense because 1) no student loans while you figure things out and 2) your mind continues to mature so that you can focus better once you get to college. It’s a win-win situation; 3) students are more eager to learn at a later age. They are rested and ready to stretch intellectually.
My S19 also hates school for the most part and has since elementary school. Back in 2nd-5th grades, other than the days he went to the gifted classes (once or twice/week) he always came home complaining, “More worksheets!”. This is a kid who used to love learning and reading and has been obsessed with Jeopardy since age 8, but the way information was presented in school was so boring. I know girls like hands-on learning too, but particularly for boys, I think curricula lack so much creativity and the whole teaching-to-the test is excruciating for them. He finally has a challenging class this year in AP Chem (maybe more of a challenge than he’d like), but as a sophomore he still comes home most days saying, “I already know everything”. Even though his grades and test scores are great, it’s very disappointing to see him feel this way about school.
If it were not for band, choir, and art, it would be hard to get my daughter to school every day. She definitely sees school as a necessary evil because she wants to go to college for music performance, so she must get through high school first. She can do the work, and does well when she tries, it’s just getting her to do the work when she’d rather be drawing or playing an instrument that is the problem. I have told her that I know she doesn’t care that much about her classes, but it’s necessary in order for her to get where she wants to be, and she needs to find the motivation to get there. I think she’s finally beginning to accept that as I am starting to see a little improvement.