My parents were first generation here and like many others came with very little money. They built everything from scratch. Till today (my father is in his upper 70s he gives to everyone else but both parents are frugal when it comes to themselves. This has rubbed off on me. I will buy my child what she needs (waiting for the good sale) or buy gifts for others but I can’t get myself to spend on myself without feeling guilty about it or feeling that it is not needed. At the same time if my child needed something for school I wouldn’t think twice about spending the money to make sure her basic needs are met.
By todays standards we live frugally and live a very simple life. We have never had cable in our home. I always told her the best gift I could give her was education and that everything else was material things. If she was able to become a financially independent woman then she could buy whatever she wants but now is the time to focus on education and career goals. We haven’t had a vacation in years but when she is off we have staycations and try to make the days enjoyable sometimes with day trips to museums and gardens. I think she is smart and sensible. I have no complaints and appreciate that she is so understanding.
I didn’t make a big deal out of Hanukah gifts or b/d gifts. I absolutely loved throwing the b/d parties. I had several,parties at home, like an over-night with a scavenger hunt. Kids got prizes for little things, e.g. The best scary story, which they were asked to bring with them. I had a Harry Potter party when a book was about to come out, and one boy just wouldn’t put down his book to go to sleep! Years later, my son went with friends at midnight to get the last book.
What my folks didn’t do was to reward good grades or the completion of a special,project. Both my sister and I decided to do this. Sometimes I’d give a “whatever” gift. When a new Star Trek or Star Wars movie ( I don’t recall what it was) came out on a Wednesday, I had ordered tickets for the show a month in advance. When I picked son up from school, I asked him if he had a lot of homework, and if he would mind taking off for a few hours. He was delighted to see it with me, even though he had tickets with friends for the weekend.
We rarely ate fast food, but our dentist & endocrinologist had offices near many chains. It was a tradition for him to pick one to drive through after our appointments. I’m a firm believer that a little bit of sugar makes the medicine go down, translated to the occasional fries or milkshake.
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I think entitlement comes from not internalizing gratitude from a very early age.
My husband grew up poor, but he just never learned to be grateful and appreciative.
I was also raised poor, but my mother would literally walk around the house singing “count your blessings, count them one by one” every day and do it.
So we learned from the cradle to notice, identify and appreciate every good thing, no matter how small. I made it my goal as a parent to teach my kids gratitude and appreciation.
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^^^ THIS
I paid lunch for my secretary whenever I go out with her and it’s pretty often. Same with my sister, I paid every time I go out to eat with her. They are insignificant amount. I’m not penny pinching since I can comfortably afford it.
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Let’s not forget that teenagers usually tend to be self-centered and with a sense of entitlement. J
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True, and it’s our job to “reality check” them.
there are early glimpses of this in primary school years (and later). The idea of “calling dibs” and thinking “I get to go first,” or “I get to choose first,” or “I get the last donut” is just ugly and I’m shocked that parents allow it.
To me, “calling dibs” earns you “last place” for being selfish. I’m sure that I’ve shocked many of my kids’ friends when they’ve “called dibs” for something (like the front seat of the car), and I’ve told them that they now get to choose last.
When I would substitute teach, and parents would send cupcakes in for birthdays, I was always shocked how much spoiled kids would try to take 2 when there was barely enough (or just enough) for 1 per student.
Parents don’t seem to be teaching their young kids, "see how much is there, and see how many people are here…and don’t be a pig. Make sure everyone gets a “first piece” before anyone has seconds. "
Don’t parents teach this anymore???
And…if you didn’t teach your kids this…why didn’t you???
"We set the boundaries very early for our kids; no birthday or Christmas gifts. No birthday parties. We adorned them with time, love and other freedoms with maturity. Under no circumstances did we tolerate tantrums. We’ve only experienced one tantrum per child when they were very young and each never did it again. "
Well, plus you had a lot of guns in your home so they knew who was boss!
Why no bday/Xmas gifts? What does that prove?
My twins obviously share a birthday (duh). Ever since the beginning, we ALWAYS did two birthday cakes, different flavors. To this day. We have a tradition of taking a family picture with us, them and their birthday cakes. One of these days I’ll collect all of them together and put in some montage. Eating through 2 birthday cakes couldn’t possibly be an issue!
My H’s birthday and mine are 2 days apart. Both our names are on the cake, regardless of which day we happen to be celebrating. For those of you who share birthdays with your kids - I get foregoing your own name when the kids are little, but I think as teenagers/adults they should be able to handle both their own and parent’s name on a cake.
I don’t think NOT giving gifts is the “right” thing. It may just emphasize what is different about their life. I feel this also may be a bit judgemental of the norm. I think we should be able to give a gift without feeling like a lousy
parent…
@Pizzagirl I still own plenty of guns. I might have to get some more guns since there was an armed robbery in our “safe” middle class neighborhood 3 weeks ago. But that is a story for another time. My wife and I grew up in immigrant Caribbean households, I don’t think either one of us had more than one tantrum. We wouldn’t survive 2 tantrums.
The issue with the birthday and christmas presents is that our kids get so much. My wife and I finally had the opportunity to enjoy the things our parents couldn’t afford. We took multiple vacations with the kids. They enjoyed them and remembered those trips to this day. They weren’t extravagant beyond driving to cities and exploring what the cities had to offer. We probably did 6 - 10 of those per year. When we lived in the DC area, they spent countless hours at the free Smithsonian museums, etc. We gave them what we considered were the best schools, best teachers for their extracurricular activities, etc. At some point we had to find something to say no to. The more we thought about it, the birthday and christmas gifts were the things that could be easily removed. We proved to the kids that they should enjoy the vast amount of experiences, time, love, and opportunities they receive all of the time from us and to not feel entitled to anything, especially that most “important” birthday/Xmas gift. Were our kids deprived? Were we hard on them? Did we fail as parents because of those one or two gifts we didn’t give them?
I contacted D1 earlier today and asked if she had any regrets or held any animosities towards us for withholding gifts. Her answer was, “absolutely not”. I know the parenting theory is that children must be adorned with birthday and Christmas gifts, but I have a real life situation here. So, if D1 and her sisters don’t have any issues with it and we accomplished the goal of preventing a sense of entitlement, what’s the fuss?
I understand my husband and I feel like that sometimes, we want to be our kids. I bet our parents felt like that when they were alive regarding what we had in our generation compared to their generation.
@frugaldoctor So, does anything happen on those special days? Or are those days ignored?
I realize that some cultures, and even some religions, don’t believe in celebrating “occasions,” and your family is free to do what it wants. It just seems that it would be hard to raise kids in this culture where there are Bday parties and presents and cakes, etc. It would be hard to believe that your kids didn’t want any of it at any time.
Our kids stopped wanting to have “friends” birthday parties at a fairly young age (grade school). We still have small family celebrations and had a special meal and dessert and gift or two. It wasn’t lavish, but it was acknowledging it was THEIR special day, which I think is a nice thing to do. I was surprised that the kids absolutely did NOT want birthday parties after a certain age and point, but were OK with small celebrations among the extended family, which worked fine for all of us.
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Under no circumstances did we tolerate tantrums. We’ve only experienced one tantrum per child when they were very young and each never did it again. "
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@frugaldoctor Ok, this I have to know what the secret was.
S1 only had one tantrum…on the cold tile floor of a big mall. I just let him “have at it”, then it was over, and never again.
S2…well, there is a failure. Countless tantrums. Didn’t get what he wanted, no matter how loudly he cried…and he could carry-on for hours straight without stopping… The tantrums were fruitless, but boy did he persist. He was an extremely difficult child from ages 2-4. After that, few problems with him. The tantrums could be about anything…the realization that we were out of his fave cereal, not getting something he wanted in a store, not wanting to sit in his car-seat, or whatever. It went on for 2 years, and literally began on his second bday (he was an EZ baby!).
For many years we gave our kids an option at birthday time-either a party and gifts or a short trip with a parent. They each chose the trip 3 or 4 times. We travel a lot as a family so in reality the trip itself was less the gift than the time alone with mom or dad when everything was about the kid and what they wanted instead of having to compromise with their siblings. Within reason we went to the sites they wanted, ate the food they liked and kept the schedule that made them happiest.
We also had a few years when the kids chose a cause and instead of getting gifts for themselves had birthday guests bring items for the charity. This was optional as it didn’t seem fair to make them give up their gifts if it wasn’t something they wanted to do.
Whatever their choice we still had a family dinner with a cake.
These idea came from the realization that our kids had too much stuff. Even they realized they didn’t need more. We said “no” a lot over the course of the year, mostly in the form of “Have you saved enough for that?” or “That would be a good thing to ask Santa for”, but between hand-me-downs and many generous local relatives they received more than enough.
As to the original question, I think a lot of keeping kids from becoming entitled comes through parental modeling. People who wait patiently for their turn or express interest in the lives of people with less power than they have or show their gratitude for what they’ve been given are demonstrating to their children what they value. People who correct their kid’s homework so they’ll get a better grade or push to get their kid on the best travel team or use connections to have exceptions made to the rules are doing so as well.
My husband organized something for a group of girls and their families. At the end he said to me, “From knowing the parents I could have predicted which girls would say ‘Thank you’ when it was over.”
(edit to correct typos)
You want an honest answer? In my opinion, you and your kids missed out on something that’s really positive and fun for most families. It’s your decision, and I’m glad that it worked out for you, but it seems to me you could have made the same point with modest gifts.
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I agree…a modest gift of $50 or less, wouldn’t promote a sense of entitlement.
One aspect of REASONABLE gift-giving, is that it requires a person to stop and consider another person…what they will like, what they need, etc.
The GIVER learns to think of someone besides himself. When my kids were little, I’d take them gift-shopping for others and we’d discuss what the recipient would want and need. It makes kids stop and think about someone else for a change.
There is value in that.
"The issue with the birthday and christmas presents is that our kids get so much. My wife and I finally had the opportunity to enjoy the things our parents couldn’t afford. We took multiple vacations with the kids. They enjoyed them and remembered those trips to this day. They weren’t extravagant beyond driving to cities and exploring what the cities had to offer. "
Some of our most treasured memories are the simple ones (going to the nearby ice cream parlor, watching reruns of MASH as a family, going to the forest preserve and tossing frisbees with the dog, etc.). Some of our most treasured memories are also ones that were more extravagant - a really fun b’nai mitzvah celebration, staying in a suite at the King David hotel in Jerusalem and touring with a private guide, going biking in the Alps, special restaurant dinners for graduation, etc. One doesn’t preclude the other.
we’ve always given our kids presents. Sometimes more lavish and sometimes less, but the big “ta da” in our family on birthdays is that the birthday person gets to have WHATEVER he or she wants for dinner, with no judgments, and this has always been a fun and special thing. Now that we have a future son-in-law, we include his birthday, as well.
It’s not only people with money who can be entitled. I’ve been really poor and surrounded by other really poor people, and I can tell you that some very poor people are the most entitled you will ever meet and think the whole world owes them something, and they are completely comfortable with taking what they want because they are entitled and the whole world owes them.
When I was a child we received pajamas, socks, underwear, other clothes, books, Kodak film and flash cubes, group games (for example Battleship, Clue, Risk, Stratego, Masterpiece) and craft supplies or construction kits for Christmas and birthdays.
Can you help me understand the benefit of providing kids with these items on various random days throughout the year as needed instead of on a special occasion (birthdays or Christmas)?
The things my kids receive for Christmas and birthdays are nothing out of the ordinary that I wouldn’t buy anyway if there was no such thing as these gift-giving traditions.
Just trying to understand how providing kids with these items on a special day has undesirable consequences
I think poorer people have more needs that are currently not being met due to lack of money. That’s just the definition of being poor. In a way, I can understand if some demonstrate a greater sense of entitlement. While those who are fortunate to be better off already have most, if not all, of their needs met. I have much less patience for them. How much more does one person deserve when they receive so much.