I know I’ve asked this before but parents of juniors maybe can chime in, my D just doesn’t seem as gung ho about college or MT programs as other juniors at her school do. I’m thinking I just need to back off and let her bring it up again? I’m not sure what to do since I know you have to start so early in getting your list together but right now she won’t even talk about the SAT! A few of her senior friends are applying for MT & sometimes it seems to perk her up interest wise but then she seems just mildly interested in discussing programs. She in fact looks bored a lot of the time when I bring it up. We’re going to SETC in March and she says she wants to go and her voice teacher recommended it but I’m beginning to wonder if she’s just agreeing for us. I’m so confused by her attitude. We do not push MT either. We’re the opposite really. We don’t encourage her to do that and nothing else. We’ve brought up other majors and other interests but she doesn’t seem to want to discuss those either. Sorry just venting! all we do is argue half the time about it. Frustrating…she keeps saying she wants MT but it sure doesn’t seem like it by her lack of interest or excitement about it. I’m a frustrated parent and don’t know how to proceed. My daughters lack of interest and motivation makes me question whether this is the correct path for her after all.
My D didn’t get into the college groove until we did a couple of visits. I think it just didn’t feel “real” to her until she was on a campus with a tour guide talking to her as if she might go to that school one day. You might try scheduling a visit at a school within driving distance to make it seem less like “someday” and more like “soon”!
Already been to 3 schools
I remember that my daughter’s junior year was her most stressful Several AP courses, pressure to keep up the GPA, SAT prep, theatre rehearsals/performances, outside acting classes, part time job and being 16 years old in the mix was all overwhelming. The idea of adding one more thing to the list (college) was putting her in a heightened sense of dread. I helped her compartmentalized a lot of stuff and made sure she took things one step at a time. I tease her that it’s like trying to eat an entire elephant…she had to do it one bite at a time. I would take your daughter to lunch and have her tell you where she is at with everything. Let her do all the talking. Ask her how you can help and what steps she things are the most important to her reaching her goals. Hang in there…it does get better. I promise.
@theaterwork ugh… @bisouu has a great suggestion though!
As a HS junior, my S knew he was only interested in pursuing MT, but had almost zero interest in discussing/thinking about the application process and deciding on schools. I was the one who put his name on mailing lists, read the glossy brochures and did the virtual campus “fly throughs”. And read every post on CC. We “dragged” him to a few school visits that were within driving distance, but I don’t think it all began to sink in until he went to SETC. Even in summer after junior year, he still was not interested in the whole application process and getting him to fill out apps was like pulling teeth. I envied the parents whose kids seemed to make their own decisions and strategize their own paths, but we survived. S is happily attending a school he loves. Reading the posts of those who come after us has me reliving the cold sweats and insatiable desire to eat donuts I experienced that year (OK, two years). Any parent who can survive this process more than once should get a gold medal - and a lifetime supply of donuts.
I recently found an old email I had sent to my D the beginning of fall of her senior year. She wanted MT, but all I had done was nag & she wasn’t listening anymore. I thought if I wrote it out and she read it, it might sink in. Basically told her we supported her no matter what she did, but I wasn’t nagging anymore. I don’t know if that was what helped - maybe it was that her college coach communicated with her & not me, but she got it together. I still kept the master spreadsheet & made all travel arrangements but she was in charge of all essays/applications. She actually surprised me with how she got it all done!
To give some perspective from a student. I’ll say most of us high schoolers don’t want to think about college unless we have to. This is for all majors. It’s hard to imagine living somewhere else and being with different people and the whole idea of college when you are so used to how life is now. This is especially true if you’ve lived in the same place growing up. Once I started my senior year and everyone was talking about college and my friends a grade above me where posting and tweeting from other states, that’s when it really hit me.
All I’m saying is that not only is college scary but thinking about college is stressful and scary. I have such a diverse list of schools because I don’t know what I want in schools. Small or big, urban or wherever, close to home? I change my mind everyday. It’s one of those things you don’t know what you want until you’re already in college. Just the thought of commitment and the cost of everything causes me a lot of stress and anxiety especially when you’re 17/18 and have other extra curriculurs, volunteering, a job, a musical, and of course school.
I would ask her. It’s impossible to tell whether she’s simply immature and dealing with the stress through semi-denial, or if she is actually not so interested. My own D - a senior now at NU - was extremely reluctant and part was the stress, but it went deeper. A larger part was her not really knowing quite what she wanted. She wanted to be an actor; that she knew. She just wasn’t sure what path she ought to take. But I’m just sharing an anecdote; each student is different. As a teacher, I see many students who are passive or reluctant about the process because they don’t really know what they want and so they feel that they’re taking the path of least resistance.
I would go out for tea or a walk or whatever, and just say point blank to her roughly what you said here. Keep it neutral and supportive. Open up a dialogue. See how she responds and go from there.
My son, a senior, hit a wall this year. He’s a hard worker and very practical, but he was completely overwhelmed by everything that has to be done to get into college (and, I suspect, afraid of the change–he’s basically had the same group of friends since 6th grade and we live in a small district where even the kids who aren’t friends all know each other. It’s like Mayberry. Sweet, but a little scary to leave). I’m learning that when he sees the giant pile of what has to be done, he doesn’t know where to begin and shuts down. This doesn’t bode well for getting all the work done with all the freedom that college will give him, so I’m trying to help him see that if he’s organized and checks things off the list, it feels good. I couldn’t even approach the idea of applying for scholarships until he finished all the applications. As the old saying goes, you can even eat an entire elephant if you do it one bite at a time.
My vocal performance daughter was the same in junior and it frustrated the hell out of me. It took me a while to realize that the reason for her lack of motivation was a paralyzing fear of failure. She’d always been something of an A-type personality, always prepared and her work always perfect. She was also very sensitive and introspective. She had a lifetime of success in academics and music, but knew that in the college audition process, the odds were stacked against her, and she was terrified. She thought her world would collapse if she failed - and her sense of identity with it. Once I tried hiding my anxiety from her and being lighthearted about the process, her mood improved. She was a horror to live with for most of junior year though, and I had to walk a fine line between making sure she practiced (VP auditions require a huge amount of practice compared to MT) and letting her be. After May 1st, she returned from being a monster and transformed back into a lovely teen girl. My advice would be to back off but, at the same time, secretly do some of the research and prep work for her, so that it’s not such a giant mountain to climb. Find ways to enjoy her junior year!
As a student, I second what @ParachuteBoy has to say. Thinking about college is terrifying. Especially with MT (or any major with admission based on an audition/portfolio) it is hard to get myself to do college things knowing that the odds are stacked against me. It is scary to think that this whole process could be fruitless, so I often avoid thinking about it. Honestly, I am probably driving my mother insane. Even though going to school for MT and performing is something I want sooooo badly, it is sometimes hard to get myself to ACTUALLY do the things I need to do to get there, because that little voice in the back of my head says “Why are you even trying? Do you know the acceptance rates for the programs you are applying to?” I think the ideas of “What if I’m not good enough?” or “What if I get 0 acceptances and have to start all over again?” etc. can be extra intimidating on top of all of the general college stress. Just my perspective 
Well thanks @ParachuteBoy & @gmo913 for your student perspective. That was very helpful to hear your side. I suspect she is feeling like you both are. Scared and stressed. @claire74 your D sounds like mine so much! My D and I are at major odds right now so I’m backing off for now at least a bit. She’s going thru some issues with her peers and she has always been like that too, afraid of failure and being so defined by her singing. I am trying to lay off some and when college stuff comes in the mail I just leave it lay on the table and hope she glances through it. Sure is a hard time these late high school years. I don’t have other kids so new to me.
@theaterwork Just give her space, both of you may need a break from thinking about, researching and talking about college and MT. Follow her lead as best you can. Let her get through the SAT or ACT ,if that one suits her learning style better. Junior year is so stressful there is really too much for them to be thinking about. Perhaps your taking a break from CC which can lead to feelings like you are behind, would also help. Put college out of your minds for a bit. If this is really what she wants, she will let you know, and remember there are many avenues, even a community college if that is less stress-filled for her. You have plenty of time so just relax and take a breather from all of this, she will sense your calm.
^^^ Great advice.
@theaterwork You post on cc often, so I wonder how much of that you discuss with your D. This is not meant as criticism at all, but If your D sees this as your plan and that you are in charge of things, she might on some level be both rebelling from your authority and yet at the same time acquiescing to the fact that you are handling it for her.
The end result might appear to be disinterest with a touch of snarkiness.
It’s up to you as to whether to take a break from cc, but I would definitely take a break from discussing college with her other than SAT’s and ACT’s for now.
It is also possible that your D’s heart is not 100% into MT as both a college major and subsequent career. I knew going into this that my D’s heart was 85% into MT as a major, but not necessarily as a career path. Choir, acappella music and theatre were a huge part of D’s high school experience. She did not want to give it up because she enjoyed music and performing very much and it was both a strength and an identity. But none of us were sure if it was the life she really wanted to lead over all other options once she was out of school. But when it came right down to it, there really wasn’t anything that she was dying to major in over MT, so she was confident that she chose the right degree path.
However, she chose a school which would allow her to study VP (MT) as well as take a lot of other classes (English lit and entertainment business.) She was in NYC, so she had incredible internship opportunities that rounded out her resume.
So when she did begin to do some auditioning (open Broadway calls) and got to speak to friends who had graduated college and were out auditioning, her decision as a college junior to look towards the business side of theatre did not surprise us and she was prepared in terms of classes and experience.
I would give your D time for now. If you see that by the spring into summer that she still hasn’t changed her attitude, I would also look into schools that have a range of other options for her. (But might allow for theatre as a double major or EC.)
D’s list was NYU (VP–MT)–her only audition program (but she had passed her talent component due to her summer program), Barnard, Brandeis, GW, SUNY Binghamton, American and Muhlenberg. All the schools were strong academically and offered excellent MT in some capacity. Location was a major deciding factor as was the amount of merit aid (no need.) In the end the choice was narrowed down to NYU, Barnard and Brandeis. Then Barnard and NYU. And finally NYU with $11K per year in merit aid. Barnard was full fare plus she would have very likely had to pay for voice lessons.
The whole process came together in the end. First semester junior year, of high school I would probably have not been able to guess the outcome.
Good luck to you!
@uskoolfish yikes I didn’t know my posts were becoming so obvious thereby annoying I’m sure, I will take a chill on posting.
@theaterwork Noo! Your posts are great and add a lot to the cc community. But if your D is uninterested in the process, then you by contrast are very interested. Many of us found ourselves in that position. I had to monitor myself to make sure I wasn’t overwhelming (and boring) my d’s and h with all the info I learned as a cc mom.
@theaterwork I did the same at first too. My D was so busy and didnt want to think about all of this. She was happy I was doing it BUT didnt need or want to hear about it all the time. i thought I was doing great at not sharing everything I was learning but I guess I wasnt. I couldnt help myself but share it,so had to really step back and give her a mental break. Once her other friends were really getting into the whole college search suddenly she was the one approaching me with "Hey did you know"or “I heard this school…” So she may change just give her time & space to get there on her own.
@uskoolfish You nailed it here! (@theaterwork this could have been directed at many of us). While my daughter is 100% into MT and Acting we have this mother/daughter thing going on this year. I couldn’t describe it better than “disinterest with a touch of snarkiness.” I was very hands on in the beginning of the process since her schedule was crazy and she needed at least a few hours of sleep, and she just pulled back and when I asked her to do things resisted and basically said “if it’s important to you, You do it!” Since backing away and asking her dad to make "suggestions"instead, she is suddenly becoming proactive and involved. Being that this is her last year at home, I want to enjoy our time together, despite this stressful process - and this works much better for us!