<p>DS has been accepted to his first choice school and is a recruited athlete. He’s our only child…we’ve really tried hard over the years to make a decent life for him. But increasingly over the past year or two…and most horribly this summer, he has become just awful to be around. I’m heartbroken because he is my only child and because I love him so much (though lately I must admit I can’t wait for the attitude to go). I envisioned these Kodak moments, and special “last” times, and memory building…instead it’s been anger and arguments and disrespect and lack of cooperation and irresponsibility. I have to really almost flog him to get anything college-related done. It’s really quite breathtaking. I don’t know what to do. It’s like I’ve never really had a child…he’s like missing in action. It’s such an empty feeling. It’s bad enough that he’s going out of my life, but it’s unbearable that it’s happening like this.</p>
<p>Sage, we had a thread on this last year. It seems like about half the kids deal with their separation anxiety by becoming unpleasant. One parent said something about the little birdies dirtying the nest before they fly away. You will be glad to see him again at Christmas.</p>
<p>My advice is to not say anything that you will regret later and to ignore 99 percent of what he says and does. This is perfectly normal, though distasteful. It doesn’t last. Our lowest point with our S was last August, the night before we dropped him off for his freshman year. He was sullen, moody, quiet and impatient. Worse than that, he seemed completely unexcited about the college life that he’d be starting the next day, even though it was something he’d longed for since the age of, oh, eight. In fact, he seemed quite regretful.</p>
<p>But he was back to his friendly, talkative self when he came home for Thanksgiving. In fact, the first emails and phone calls from college were ecstatic, and he’s been a great kid ever since. But last summer, yuck.</p>
<p>Your son is leaving home to something new and exciting but it’s also scary and, to top it off, he has to work as an athlete as well as worry about schoolwork. You will be staying home and while you are anxious about missing him, your life will otherwise remain familiar. It is a Kodak moment but it’s also a tense, anxious, unfamiliar moment for your son - who doesn’t have your lifetime of experience to fall back on as he faces his newly independent adult life.</p>
<p>Be strong for him now and let him know you care. It will be okay.</p>
<p>Though not quite as bad as you describe, the summer before college was not particularly picturesque for us as well. After a short time at school, S and I have never been closer. He calls frequently, emails, and our conversations are rich and warm. As said often in that thread from last year, when break rolls around the “darling child” seems to somehow return.</p>
<p>My D heads to her freshman year one month from today. As the oldest and a D, she is quite chatty about all that is going on in her mind. She too is an athlete, and for the moment, intends to go premed. She told me that this is the perfect summer - no stress; loving her sport b/c she is playing in an adult league but does not have to worry about the AAU scene/recruiting and all that; balance with different groups of friends; the love life under control and a good job…does it get any better? But, all of that means, why would she be in any hurry to get to college to work her butt off; prove herself again in her sport; and start anew in the social scene??? She shared that she will no doubt love it but she is not as enthusiastic about leaving as she expected to be. I have a S too, although younger, and I can see that he will feel all the same emotins/worries/ excitement…but perhaps not be as articulate as his older sister in sharing the blow by blow. I anticipate my D will get increasingly unpleasant as the time to leave draws near. When we talk, i remind her, and myself, that this is completely normal…this too shall pass. Hang in there! I derive strength from those on CC who have gone through this right of passage.</p>
<p>One time last summer–before his freshman year at college–my son was being particularly annoying. Finally, he turned to me and innocently said, “Mom, I’m just trying to make it easier for you to say goodbye.” :)</p>
<p>To tell you the truth, this horribleness on his part is a good sign. He has outgrown your family structure, (as it should be), and is convincing himself and you that is most ready to go. This is a good thing-- what your life as a parent has been leading up to. Let him let you go, even if the only way he can do that is to not be that nice.</p>
<p>This reminds me of the terrible 2’s. Just another step on the road to separating from parents and gaining independence. He will miss his family and home, and even if he doesn’t realize it, he’s trying to make it easier to leave. This will pass.</p>
<p>I am forwarding this thread to friends who have DSs. I have DDs and they were chatty and open before going (though rarely visible since they were so busy in the last year at home). Friends have stressed over the changes in attitude. Now I have proof of my own suspicions…</p>
<p>I ended up with both of my kids leaving for college at the end of the same summer, because my son chose to skip his senior year of HS. I HATED my kids’ behavior that summer. They were just plain ****y. Nothing I did or their father did (and they usually thought he was pretty much okay even when I was being a witch) met their exactling standards for status as a person… we were slime, I think, or possibly pond scum.</p>
<p>Now they’re quite lovely–although it didn’t happen right away when they left for college–and I actually look forward to their visits.</p>
<p>According to my mother, what you are experiencing is just the universe’s way of making the separation easier for you :)</p>
<p>But in fact, the above poster who compared the developmental age to the terrible 2s was right. At 18, your son is probably feeling very grown up and at the same time, nervous about being so grown up. Have compassion and try not to take anything nasty he says personally. Going away to college is a huge step and he’s probably feeling conflicted. Hugs to you.</p>
<p>I agree. Some of the most tense times I’ve had with my eldest have been just prior to him departing for something. When I think back on him as a small child though, he never handled transititions particularly well (although at least now he is not throwing himself on the floor, licking the rug, and screaming bloody murder ).</p>
<p>Tread lightly but keep your rules enforced! </p>
<p>Let go of the details - let him suffer the consequences if he goes off to school with the wrong sized sheets. It’s OK to back off - that is what he’s trying to get you to do. Inform him what date and time the car leaves for freshman move in. Whatever is in there is what goes. Easier said than done I know - but better start now, you’ve got four years coming up.</p>
<p>Take him out to dinner. We find that’s a great place for some stress free conversation. Talk about anything but his upcoming move.</p>
<p>Sage44, as they say in the Monopoly game: “Do not pass GO, do not collect $200.” Instead go to amazon.com and IMMEDIATELY order “Letting Go: A Parents’ Guide to Understanding the College Years” by Karen Levin Coburn and Madge Lawrence Treeger. </p>
<p>Your son is exhibiting NORMAL behavior and your are exhibiting a NORMAL response. I’m in the midst of reading this book right now on the advice of other CC parents who went through this last year, and it has been both a revelation and a font of advice. Good luck!</p>
<p>I agree with the most of the previous posters–all sorts of separation and anxiety issues are at play at times like this. I also think it is important to remember that life is not necessarily full of planneed Kodak moments; sometimes the best times come as a surprise, or at times you didn’t think would be so important or so pleasant–an unexpected New Year’s Eve together when your children’s plans fall through, a weekend that was supposed to be rainy but turned out to be beautiful… Expecting the summer before your child leaves for college to be a wonderful experience for all concerned is like expecting every overhyped blockbuster movie to be entertaining and worth the time and money. </p>
<p>Also, this summer is really more about your son and his future, and the attendant pressures and concerns he may feel, than about your desire for the culmination of a great parenting career. I think you will find that this is not really the “last” time for anything and that there is a lot left to do and experience–perhaps you are trying too hard to see this is a magnificent last chapter, when in fact it is part of a saga that is notwhere near finished. Relax, and try not to let your son know that not everything in his life is changing.</p>
<p>Sage44, I am sorry for your problems, but in a strange way it makes me feel a little better knowing that you (and others) are sharing our experience. It didn’t seem like anyone else locally had the same problem (maybe they hid it well) but there were certainly others online. Basically last year from the spring into the summer I wasn’t sure if my son was going to leave for college or I was going to kick him out of the house first. Well, he did just barely get sent off to college without getting kicked out of the house, and he is home and working this summer and it is actually a lot better now. :)</p>
<p>Well I’m leaving to university next year and I can definitely relate to this. At the beggining of the summer I was pretty rude to my family (especially my mom). I was feeling pretty sullen and I resented anything they said. For me however I realized that this might be the last time in a long time that I could truly spend some great time with my family and I resolved to make the best out of it. I consider myself luck to have realized this before I left and before I got too mean.</p>
<p>The summer before my son went to college, he seemed to have an intense desire to make the whole transition seem like no big deal. He kept everything as casual as possible, to the point of not shopping until the last week, not packing until the night before he left, and not visiting the college Web site or reading the literature that was sent to him. And he absolutely refused to talk about anything pertaining to college. I think this was his way of dealing with his nervousness; to him, it made sense to postpone facing the situation until he reached the time when he had no other choice.</p>
<p>If my husband and I had tried to emphasize that the summer was an important time of change for the family, I think he would have found it unbearable.</p>
<p>The moment he got to college, he absolutely loved it. And although there was some awkwardness the first couple of times that he came home, everyone quickly adjusted to the fact that he is now a part-time rather than full-time member of the household. In fact, most of the tensions between him and me that were present when he was in high school have vanished.</p>
<p>I can only ditto what others have said. My husband and I have gone thru it with three children with varying degrees of unpleasantness. Try to keep your cool and remember that this is normal. You will be pleasantly surprised how nice your son will be on his first trip home. I like the comparison to the terrible twos. Very appropriate.</p>
).</p>