Last Summer Together a Disaster...Why?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Senior summer – the summer after graduation – was HORRIBLE. The whole thing was scary and awful. Behavior, language, etc. Thankfully, we packed him off for a PG year – boarding school, complete with strict rules and study hours – and he came home a different kid at Thanksgiving. </p>

<p>Now in the midst of Senior Summer Round 2 as he has graduated from boarding school – and he’s a pretty decent kid. Off to college in the fall, and while we are currently avoiding the subject, he’s ready, we’re ready, and we are all tolerating each other. </p>

<p>So … I think it’s normal and ‘this too, shall pass.’</p>

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<p>Our soon to be freshman son has remained pleasant and full of good humour, but we rarely see him and don’t ask much of him anymore. He is asleep when we get up, and at work or out when we are home. We can go days without ever setting eyes on him unless we look at him sleeping. When he isn’t working, or out with friends, he is on road trips. </p>

<p>He left to go surfing this morning for two days. We were up as he came down the stairs to leave and we did ask him to collect all of his mess from various rooms downstairs and throw it in his room upstairs, which he did happily in about five minutes. He leaves for Florida this Friday and expects to be gone for a week, so he will need to pick up his room before he goes so the cleaning ladies can get in there. Cleaning up for the cleaning ladies is his only “must do” chore at this point.</p>

<p>We have not been enforcing his other chores. For example, if he wants to go out in filthy clothes, that is now his option. He has been responsible for his own laundry since age 14, but we used to make sure it was done each week before he was allowed out. I think the dirty clothes just about cover every inch of his room now at about knee deep and I don’t know how he will stuff them all in the closet so the cleaning ladies can vaccum. But, I’m not letting it bother me. </p>

<p>My husband was complaining about missing him just last night. For me, I have just accepted that essentially he has already left and seems to be having a lot of fun.</p>

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<p>“instead it’s been anger and arguments and disrespect and lack of cooperation and irresponsibility”</p>

<p>Okay, why are parents putting up with this? This is an ADULT, who wants all this freedom, independence, and usually we are paying for it, and we are supposed to tolerate rudenss, disrespect from another person.</p>

<p>I don’t think so. NORMAL does not mean right. Are we so afraid to sit them down and say look, this is hard for all of us, but I don’t deserve to be yellled at, ignored, etc. we don’t have to walk around holding hands, but why accept bad treatment?</p>

<p>An outburst, sure, a few moments, we all get them as parents, but this sounds like mostly bad, with not so much good.</p>

<p>It is interesting that we expect to so little from our adult children- we expect they can deal with a roommate, a tough professor, a mean boss with self control, etc., but we will let them treat us like dirt…</p>

<p>I understand all that is going on. I sent of one D (17) for 6 weeks, and jsut this mornin my 15 yo D for 3 weeks. Not the same, but the attitude can be.</p>

<p>My D was like, come on mom, do we HAVE to talk about drinking, etc, and my luggage, and the bank account,blah blah blah</p>

<p>And I said yes we do, and the least you can do is listen grasciouslly. If I did not think you were capable, you wouldn’t be going…but I need to say the words, it is important to me. She got it. </p>

<p>Nobody deserves to be treated badly by anybody, yet parents will alow their relatives to be jerks toward them…Nothing wrong with saying, act likea the grownup you want and need to be treated like…</p>

<p>Do we not remember when our kid had a tantrum, how to deal with it…somehow it seems we expect less from them 15 years later</p>

<p>Why are we so afraid…and yes it is “normal” to want to create some distance, but that does not mean people can be rude, mean, or disrepectful…if they treated Grandma, your friends, a teacher, anybody else like that, would you just let it slide?</p>

<p>I am not saying expect Pleasantville, but common courtesy is the least one should expect from a child most of the time</p>

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<p>CGM,</p>

<p>We don’t need to make a battle out of every parent-child interaction. There is value in being kind to and understanding with our children. </p>

<p>The summer before college can be a stressful time for everyone. As evidenced by these comments, parents and children handle it in different ways but there are universal aspects that many parents choose to handle with kindness (or we wish we had after the fact).</p>

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<p>My closest friend begins each of our phone conversations with the countdown until her S leaves for school. </p>

<p>While our interactions so far have not been nearly so negative, I think August is going to be hard on everyone – the athletes leave in a week or so for captain’s practices, and S will be about the last man standing when he departs Labor Day weekend. </p>

<p>As much as I value common courtesy, I think we are all going to have to cut each other a little slack over the next six weeks as we deal with our anxiety.</p>

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<p>Check out this thread with a teen’s view of the summer before college:
<a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=217067[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=217067&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>I agree with CGM completely! There is no reason in the world to let your kids use you as a doormat. Understanding is one thing. Accepting abuse with a longsuffering shrug is something else entirely. But if it’s working for you…</p>

<p>The summer prior to my D entering college (as a matter of fact, her whole high school senior year) was a time of emotional upheaval for her. Her feelings were all over the map, and there were times when she was a bit “short”. But sheldom did her behavior cross over into rude or disrespectful, and when it did, she apologized almost immediately. I think it was because we had established from early childhood that bratiness and disrespect would NOT be tolerated. We never rewarded a temper tantrums with reinforcing consequences. In fact, we made sure bad behavior exacted a large penalty. </p>

<p>I think it’s possible to let kids know that you understand that they may be undergoing some serious emotional challenges, and that you are there to support them. But biting the hand that feeds you is NOT a good strategy!</p>

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<p>I didn;t say not be kind, but we should expect more from our children…it can be done with humor, hugs, kindness</p>

<p>If you read my post, I do agree that being a parent means we get outbursts, etc., but they should not be to the point of how the OP feels…interesting that we are supposed to bend over backwards for these adults, their mood swings, their anger, their snootiness and snotiness, but it is not handling it to jsut take it…i don’t thank that is good for anyone</p>

<p>We ARE supposed to be kind and understanding with our children,but these are now usually people of majority who we have raised to be respectful of others, the LEAST they can do is be kind and understanding back</p>

<p>To do otherwise is not kindness…its really not…it doesn’t take much to call someone on rudeness, cutting slack goes both ways</p>

<p>I do understand the occasional back talk, I do, but it should NOT feel like the majorty of the interactions with another adult</p>

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<p>Another way to look at it, if your spouse was stresssed at work, if she had the world’s worst mother, if you ten your old treated you the same way, tell me, would it be okay?</p>

<p>I am betting it wouldn’t. Understanding is good up to a point but there is no excuse for such behavior for any length of time from anybody.</p>

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<p>I’ve really been enjoying my last summer with my son. We don’t see him lots because we’ve basically given up on the curfew thing and he’s been working full time. But he’s good about letting us know generally what he’s up to and has been very patient with my need to give him extra hugs. </p>

<p>We’re driving a long distance to school, and I did think long and hard about that, because family car trips can be stressful and I didn’t want that to be our last time together. Solution–let him drive!</p>

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<p>from the view of a student soon leaving for college, my parents (as with all the parents of my friends) have been acting our their feeling probably more than they think. it is difficult because we will be living all alone in three weeks but our parents still want to do everything for us and control us is some sort of way, in fact, the parents attention and emotions seem to increase just before we leave. the distance between teenagers and their parents (at least for me) is my personal preparation for being alone. i need to know i can do it myself. however, it is frustrating when parents won’t let us start to take care of ourselves and get more overprotective than ever. it makes me feel that they think that i am not capable of my responsibilities in college.</p>

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<p>“I can’t wait to get out of here and get to school!” - me
“And I can’t wait to see you go!!!” - my mother</p>

<p>I will never forgot either of us saying those words 26 years ago. We had always had a great relationship and we continue to do so today. IMO, it’s nature’s way of snipping the apron strings, making it just a tad easier to let our children go. My own daughter will be leaving next month for her freshman year at college and although we haven’t had any big disagreements, I am preparing myself for her departure. I don’t want to be a crying, bumbling mess. I want her to know that I am excited for her, but I want her to know that we will also miss her and welcome her home at any opportunity! This is a huge time in our childrens’ lives … a time of change, a time of growth, a time of independence. I’m sure it can be a bit scary for them, too. I believe it is at this time that we can only continue to tell our children that we love them and wish the best for them. They’re doing exactly what we’ve been preparing them for all their lives … they’re growing up and leaving the nest. Good luck to all!</p>

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<p>My oldest S is starting college in Setember. I love him a lot, but all of us are more than ready to see him go.</p>

<p>He’s always been a little moody SOB and more so now. We’re cutting him more slack than usual given the situation but when he crosses the line, he hears about it but good.</p>

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<p>really nice job representing the student viewpoint nocluewhere2go</p>

<p>PS, hope you have a clue by now :)</p>

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<p>I’m in your son’s shoes. I have been…disrespectful to my parents. I didn’t listen to them and wasn’t affectionate around them. I didn’t understand why. I thought they were just annoying. Recently, my father bought a beautifully written card. At first, I didn’t care and skimmed throughout the card. My father then made me read it out loud. “Even though your hand may slip away from mine, we will hold each other in our hearts forever.” I suddenly burst out laughing. I then cried, which I rarely do. I realized that I am anxious about leaving my nest. My father reassured that I would never get alone and that home’s only 15 minutes away. I started to be appreciate my family and be really fortunate to have them. I have strong feelings that my family and I will be even closer when I go to college.</p>

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<p>There are other ways to look at things, CGM. There are certain times of our lives that are major transition periods. Leaving home, getting married, having a child, and experiencing a death in the family are some of those periods recognized by psychologists. I agree it’s important that we approach our lives with courtesy but sometimes we don’t exercise restraint and good humor as much as we might like, especially during stressful times such as during major life events. We hope that our friends and family will cut us some slack during those transitions, and loving friends and family will do that - although perhaps we will mention that it’s a little unpleasant when they make us feel like it’s all our fault.</p>

<p>You know, this conversation reminds me of the birth of our last child. I distinctly remember the words “It’s all your fault” being said then, too.</p>

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<p>My observations are similar to most of the above (with respect CGM, you haven’t had a child leave home yet. I don’t think the OP was referring to abusive behavior).</p>

<p>I’ll add a few thoughts:</p>

<p>Gently remind your son that he should not burn bridges either.</p>

<p>How has your son reacted to other big transitions? How does he react to the pressures of an important pending athletic event? Do you see any similar behavior this summer? He is on his way to the Big Game, after all.</p>

<p>Mine graduate in November and have a natural Gap Year before the following September. Though they are tempted to hang around the house, I make them leave home and go out into the world. Bright well-adjusted seventeen year olds are at the end of their natrual childhood. They can no longer be effectively parented. They are not listening. They have heard most of it before. Our patience with their natural rebelliousness and insolence is threadbare. It’s not a good look all the way around.</p>

<p>As a successful athlete, your son has provided you and your husband with major high points over the past four years. We don’t have recruited athletes, but come January, I know my husband is going to have massive withdrawals because he doesn’t have a boy’s game to go to on Saturdays.</p>

<p>Your H may be taking the upcoming departure harder than you are and your son may realize it. When my older son left home for Africa three years ago, I had a classic ‘mommy’ idea. He should be escorted to Africa by his world traveller dad! Well, luggage was lost and for the first time in his life, his amazing dad came unglued-- in Nairobi. Dad had to be abandoned by son. Son dumped him within 24 hours and went up to his village on the side of Mount Kilamanjaro without ANY luggage. (The meltdown must have been too frightening for son). Clueless me didn’t see it coming, plus I was too thick to realize my husband was in a profound state of grief for months afterward.</p>

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<p>I agree with CityGirls’Mom.</p>

<p>I’ve known too many young men who are the products of parents who love them too much to demand that they respect their moms. I do not always agree with my parents; we do butt heads; but we always respect each other. IMO, respect is a two-way street. If this is more than a recent development (which seems to be the case when you’re talking about two years), then it’s a personality issue. </p>

<p>Everyone analogises this to 2-year-olds. We don’t allow toddlers to run the house - as Zeus says, “the inmates don’t run the asylum.” You still set boundaries. You can demonstrate that you are a person to be treated with respect, no matter who much he doesn’t like his current life.</p>

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<p>When I likened this to the terrible 2’s I wasn’t thinking of the tamtrums but rather understanding the issues of separation that are occurring at both of these ages. This doesn’t mean excusing abusive, disrespectful or rude behavior. But understanding what our college-bound son was experiencing helped us deal with it in a loving way, without any permanent damage to our relationship.</p>

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<p>My sister and I will be heading off to college next year and lately, my sister has been displaying some of those same behaviors your son has been showing. She is acting very distant toward my parents, yelling at them for no reason, and treating my parents like they are stupid. This type of behavior is normal. Kids have battled through four tough years of high school and are now probably expecting a fun summer. Therefore, they treat their parents like a hindrance. Also, this behavior shows a rite of passage. Your son is a soon-to-be college student and he probably wants some independence. I am sure he will overcome his nasty attitude.</p>