<p>I loved reading the students perspective from “noclue”. We parentss are manifesting behaviour changes as well, but we are too much in the thick of it to see it. My son keeps accusing me of hugging him too much and staring at him alot.Im trying to keep things lighthearted…he’s my second to go so Ive been through the emotions before. Older D didnt break down until the night before she moved into her dorm.We were already in her new town and she had a meltdown at the hotel.S might be the same way,who knows? He’s been quiet and stays locked up in his room alot when not working or socializing.
He’s decidly less interested in the nuts and bolts of moving/dorm life/etc than D was,I guess thats a boy thing.Says he cant wait to “blow this town”.Im certainly more calm this time around.I know they can cope, can buy what they need if anything is forgotten,we’ve been through crisis (9/11 death in family,D on other side of US,death of aunt,D unable to fly home for funeral,illness ,drive cross country,move to apartment she found without our help and it was livable!)</p>
<p>Saying goodbye can be really hard for many people. It’s easier for them to leave angry than leave feeling connected. It is very common in senior year for the discord between parents and the child about to leave home to increase tremendously, in anticipation of their coming separation.</p>
<p>It’s easier for our children to leave feeling angry, but strong than to leave feeling sad, scared and vulnerable. While the acting out isn’t intentional, it serves to create distance and ease the separation. On both sides. It is easier to separate when you can’t wait to leave, or can’t wait for your child to leave, than when you can’t stand to say goodbye–even if its temporary.</p>
<p>It’s a hard summer–or year for parents. As much as we would like to savor the time we have left with out children, meeting our needs for closeness isn’t necessarily what’s in our children’s best interest.</p>
<p>As a student, I think I might have a little bit to add to this. I’m in my last summer before going to college, and reading through this thread I’ve been reminded a lot of what’s going on in my life. I have, admittedly, not been the most pleasant person to be around for the past few months, and I have a hard time explaining why. I feel resentful when my mom asks me where I’m going or what I’m doing, and a lot of time the presence of my parents really annoys me. I’ve said to myself many times, “I’m going to be nicer to my parents, they aren’t trying to antagonize me,” but it falls apart probably the next time I talk to one of them because I just get moody and annoyed either for something they say or for no apparent reason. Also, a lot of times I find myself thinking how much I’d love to be on my own, not answering to anyone anymore.</p>
<p>I’ve told my mom how I can’t wait to get out of the house and she’s yelled back at me how she can’t wait for me to go either - this is how the whole summer has been. I love my parents a whole lot, and they’ve never tried to purposefully do me wrong. I feel like a bad son, but these feelings of resentment won’t go away, it’s like they’re more in the forefront than any rational thought when I’m forced to interact with my parents.</p>
<p>us kids are tired of dealing with parents and its almost time where we don’t have to deal with that authority on an everyday basis. so we are all like “let’s get on with it”</p>
<p>what a nice thought from an almost adult…gee…to have to deal with other adults in a respectful manner…</p>
<p>you don’t think you will have to deal with authority? take out a bank loan, deal with insurance, work with a landlord, apply for a job, get a job…</p>
<p>that post was actually kind of funny</p>
<p>Sage44~</p>
<p>I think you have received some good advice above, and I honestly can’t say that we experienced anything similar last summer before S headed out of state to school, but I know that MANY people have, and I just wanted to let you know that my thoughts are with you as your family makes this painful adjustment. </p>
<p>It is <em>SO</em> hard to put this type of thing in perspective, but I can assure you that one day you will look back on this and think, “OMG, I can’t believe my incredible, thoughtful, AMAZING son EVER put me through ths…and at <em>such</em> a difficult time!” It is so easy to get caught up in thoughts of “the lasts” as your child takes steps toward his “new college life.” But things rarely, IF EVER, unfold as we imagine they will. Do not let your (understandable) disappointment over this past year make you feel that you or your son has “failed” in any way. This is a VERY normal part of his growing up, and you will all emerge on the other side of this stronger than ever as a family, O.K.?</p>
<p>{{{{{{{{{{{{{MANY HUGS to you, Sage}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}</p>
<p>fondly, ~berurah</p>
<p>ABC…you have explained yourself to yourself. Your irritability is irrational, a by-product of your anxiety and your longing for more independence. Do your mom one favor. Find a way to let her know that you have had some remorse.</p>
<p>Try to make the last month more fun. Have a laugh. Make fun of your squabbles.</p>
<p>"you don’t think you will have to deal with authority? take out a bank loan, deal with insurance, work with a landlord, apply for a job, get a job…</p>
<p>that post was actually kind of funny"</p>
<p>I wouldn’t expect a cynic like you to understand.</p>
<p>cheers - you’re 100% right, and probably my main mistake is not being more open about my feelings</p>
<p>It is normal, you know, most adolescents just behave this way not only to show their rebellion but to show their independence. It is a good thing for children to gain their independence, since that is really important thing to survive in a society. Just make sure he is on the right track, and don’t spoil him, show your big proud “PARENT WISDOM”, and everything would be fine afterwards.</p>
<p>I still remember my own summer before college. I wanted to be as far from my parents as possible. Unfortunately, they just happaned to live nearby. This attitude continued through my sophmore year.</p>
<p>Kids have to rebel because they are being forced out of their home whether they want it or not. Their fighting is as much about “being dragged yelling and screaming” away from home as it is a fight for freedom. What a confusing place to be!</p>
<p>No wonder so many teens go through bad psychological spells in the summer before college. When they are neither here nor there.</p>
<p>I said that statement was funny, because going out of the home, where very often the parents, while being the authority figures are often buffers and deal with people they don’t want to all the time, and the idea that suddenly in college you will be free to do whatever you want is funny…sure, you can go out, you can not do your work, you can have messy room, but i the end, you will always have to deal with someone in your life who has some kind of power on somepart of you- a boss, a teacher, a roommate- they are not your boss, of course, but you better be able to figure out how to adjust and deal with them if they are difficult</p>
<p>Its not cynical at all, it is real world stuff</p>
<p>CGM, the tension the summer before college doesn’t stem from having to deal with authority figures. For me at least, it’s the knowledge that in just a month I will have to leave absolutely everything I have ever known. While I’m excited for college, my entire world will be turned upside down and it’s a terrifying prospect. It’s more stressful than anything we have ever had to do before. I don’t believe my behavior has been as trying as many other students’, but I know I have my moments.</p>
<p>Respect is essential, yes, but so is a little compassion/understanding/sensitivity where appropriate. I don’t believe yelling or being demanding will help at all…just further distance you from your kid.</p>
<p>What? There’s tension?
LOL. I think I’m in a unique situation. My mom isn’t pushy, I’m not pushy, we spend most of the time working (we work at the same place, she gets to boss me around there)</p>
<p>It’s generally been an enjoyable summer.</p>
<p>As for the parents, just control the kid. Make sure things don’t get out of hand, but the more you push, the harder they’ll push back. Enjoy what time you have…</p>
<p>My heart goes out to you. My daughter just graduated from High School this year. She just auditioned for a prestigious drama school and to my surprise got accepted. We have been on a little whirl wind ourselves. After losing our store in an earthquake 3 years ago, we also lost our means to send her to the school of her dreams. I am heart broken but also am a little relieved that I have another year for her to grow up as she has deferred enrollment for one year. She is taking esthetician classes so that she will have a way to support herself while at school. The school is $17,000 a year, not including room or board!
I think that 18 is so young to just let our kids go out into the world after being under our wings all their lives. As parents we are bearly ready to let go and though our kids don’t like to admitt it, they are probably not ready to let go as much as they would like us to believe.
My daughter has behaved like a trooper. Knowing that we can’t do much financially due to our recent losses. But I think that she needed to get her ducks in a row and felt relieved to have one more year to do it. Right now we are looking into scholarships and loans to help make her dreams come true.
I feel that your son’s attitude is not as much of a spoiled brat but that of a floundering scared young man. Being an only child, he has probably been pretty loved and cared for. Regardless of camps and trips away from home this is his first true step out into the adult world without you guys. God may show His sense of humor when giving us pre-adult teens. It may be His way of allowing us to nearly want to throw them out when they are ready to leave so we won’t miss them quite as much! LOL…
My daughter has been house sitting this summer and I have joked with her that she has left her fuzzy little feathers in her room (my empty nest) it has been hard enough with just the house sitting. I can’t imagine how it will be when she has truly closed the door of our house and opened the door to her future. We actually are writing a book about it from both of our perspectives in hopes of perhaps generating finances from that to help pay for her school. But what we have both learned is as parents left behind and kids leaving we both have very strong feelings about the journey we are both readying ourselves for. Hang in there. You are not alone mom! I have a feeling your son is having a lot of ambivalent feelings about leaving and anger is his way of expressing it. Give him a month of being away from your home cooking and love and he will come around. In the mean time, give him a little space and don’t ask as many questions as you normally would like to. Find some fun things to do and start letting go. I khow that you may feel that you want to spend as much time with him as possible but short of house sitting, they need the space to begin to break away. Don’t worry he will fly back often!</p>
<p>I am new so didn’t see all of the great posts before I posted. Great advice pre-my post! :></p>
<p>My son walked in while I was checking the new posts in this thread. As an example of how they change once they’ve actually left for college, my son asked “do you want to help me finish packing? You might as well hover while you can.” We’ve been trying to get his stuff together to go back for his senior (!!) year at college.</p>
<p>I had the same experience with my oldest son. He was always a great kid, and during jr. year I would cry at the thought of him going away. By the end of the senior summer I could not wait. He is an adult now, and the great kid returned at Christmas break that year. During that fall he was homesick and angry kid. We enjoy talking about it now,
telling stories to the sibs that followed him. “What difference does it make? you won’t know next year” was what he said to everything.
Hang in there, this is one of God’s better plans, it makes the fall easier.</p>
<p>My son has been working 8-5 all summer and spends time with friends most evenings and weekends. I’m in the camp with the poster who feels he has already left home. We seem to have just enough time together to plan what needs to get done before he goes off to school, but there certainly aren’t any kodak moments or new family memories being made. Working seems like a very good transitional activity. He’s feeling independent, making some money, learning new skills and managing his time fairly well, although burning the candle at both ends more than I would like - definitely good practice for college, I guess. </p>
<p>Our house rules haven’t really changed - we still expect phone calls if he’s going to get home later than ususal, expect to be told if he won’t be home for dinner, and we’re informed of his general comings and goings. The difference, I guess is that we’re “informed” of his schedule instead of giving permission, as was the case in high school. When he invites kids over to our house,however, he does ask our permission. He’s always done this as common courtesy, which we appreciate, even if it’s just a phone call 10 minutes before they all decend upon us. Friends are over a lot. I don’t count this as “seeing him” because he’s not really ‘with us’.
It’s working out fine.
I was surprised when this weekend he put on a DVD (Good Night and Good Luck) he’d rented he asked if I wanted to watch it with him
before he had to return it. This is as close to a Kodak moment as I’ll get, but I’ll take it.</p>
<p>Its not cynical at all, it is real world stuff</p>
<p>Citygirlsmom I went to tell ABC you weren’t being cynical you were just speaking up for how things were in the real world, but you’d already beaten me to it. Using the exact words I was going to use no less :)</p>
<p>I’m having more trouble with DD’s summer-after-freshman-year than the summer before it. Last summer, she pretty much knew how to live her life, she was on top of the world, she had friends, she had savings, the equilibrium we had all struck during the spring pretty much held, we were buying her lots of clothes, equipment, etc., which was very satisfying to her . . . so things were pretty much on autopilot. Not tension-free, but not horrible. Even when a bunch of her friends had a falling-out with each other – pre-college petulance isn’t ONLY directed at parents, in case you don’t remember – the imminence of the Great College Adventure made the hurt seem less important.</p>
<p>One year later, DD has bumped up against the harsh realities of college. She’s less certain of herself, broke, less sure of (and less interested in) her relationship with her old friends and not deeply enough involved with her new friends to make up the difference. Last summer’s friend-group breakup makes lots of her life awkward. She has lost her skill for dealing with parental authority, and we have fallen out of practice in exercising it wisely (the kid at home has completely different issues). Everything seems to matter more, because going away to college is no longer going to solve everything magically. A lot of the time, things are really miserable.</p>
<p>As they were for me the summer after my freshman year at college. I was deathly bored and resentful. I love my parents; I never had any significant conflict with them (well . . . there were a few months after my first child was born . . . ); but since then I have never spent more than a week in their house.</p>
<p>I was actually a bit surprised that DD decided to come home for the summer. It probably would have been better if she had blocked out a few weeks to spend with us, no more. I’m sure that’s what will happen next year (and every year, forever, except for “a few weeks” becoming “a few days”). But she wanted to come home. I think she wanted to say goodbye to her teenage life, and that’s what’s happening, but it’s no fun to be around.</p>