Last Summer Together a Disaster...Why?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Similar to what others have said, and Friendshiplady especially, anger is an emotion that gives us a sense of power more than some other feelings, such as sadness or fear. If your son is experiencing other emotions and not expressing them verbally, he may be acting them out this way, as a way of not only distancing himself from the family, but from his own feelings.</p>

<p>My son is leaving in Sept for college, also, and isn’t doing the same, but we try to sit and talk about what it’s going to be like, how he’s feeling, etc. I’m not assuming you will be able to do this with your son, but it could help if when he’s acting angry and disrespectful you could ask him if he is feeling worried, has other concerns, etc., and give him a chance to talk. So many young men don’t know how to express emotions and act them out instead, a sad situation.</p>

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<p>This is just what I experienced after my first year at college, too, and why I felt it was important for our son, an incoming sophomore, to live this first summer away from home, if possible. He hardly needed convincing because he’s a very independent type of kid who has longed to be out of the house for years. But I did feel guilty that I wasn’t aching to have him back in the nest all summer (especially after he told me how he moved himself out of his dorm and into a friend’s room all by himself on the last possible move-out day). </p>

<p>My mom and I just returned from a trip to see him and help set up his first apartment, where he will likely live for the next three years of college. He is very happy and is learning living skills that he didn’t need to know while in the dorms (i.e. cooking, paying bills, cleaning house, requesting repairs from the landlord, etc… not to mention working full time for the first time ever). I had forgotten how many details there are in getting started in your first place, everything from finding it, comparing it to other places, setting up internet, cable, learning how to work the heater, stove, and a hundred other details. I’m glad he gets another month to settle in before classes start. </p>

<p>But driving away from HIS place was a little sad and strange. It’s quite likely that he’ll never really live at home again but just visit. :(</p>

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<p>I remember the words a wise man said to me the year of my first D’s senior year of high school. He was a very spiritual person, as are we, and he said that God had helped him release his firstborn to a far away college by making her so difficult to be around her last months at home. I thought of his words often during the summer of my oldest D’s departure. When we dropped her off at a college 3000 miles away, she never looked back. I thought surely my heart would break, but it did not. She called every day, and I waited for HER to call. When she came home Thanksgiving I noticed how happy she was to be with us. Now, as she prepares to leave for her junior semester abroad, I can honestly say, I will miss her very much. She is becoming a lovely young woman, who is beginning to appreciate all we have given her. Just hang in there, this will pass, and you will both grow from the experience.</p>

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<p>A teenagers **BAD ATTITUDE **is God’s way of preparing us for the day they move out of the house! :D</p>

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<p>dmd, a boy who sets up ‘hover’ time for his mum is boy who will be well married in the future…</p>

<p>All I can say to the kids is this: have mercy on us daft old dears. We are making as many, (if not more), life changes–with a diminishing capacity to do so! :eek: </p>

<p>I wonder if the three month summer is too long to simmer all that angst. My boys graduate and leave within a month–due to the wierd graduation dates in November. There’s no time to build up a head of steam!</p>

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<p>I don’t know if this has been addressed already, but for myself and many of my friends, our attitudes are a reaction to our parents.</p>

<p>For instance, I’m the oldest and have always been independant- going to sleep away camps and summer programs, spur of the moment road trips, yadda yadda. My mom, on the other hand, has extreme separation anxiety before any of these events. The past year had been especially heinous. We live in GA and I’m going to school in Boston. Due to finanical problems and my intense fear of flying, I’ll only be coming home for winter break and possibly summer break if I can’t find an internship. For the past year, my mom has hacked into my college email so she can see what I’m getting from the college and the student’s website, asked me a dozen times about the tiniest details, and constantly goes over college things. In a way, she refuses to let go of the fact that she won’t be the key player in my life anymore. She’s always been strict and even now that I’m 18, she barely lets me out of the house to see my friends. She also claims that she’ll get my grandfather to yank his end of the tuition (due to the financial situation of my parents, they can’t cover whats left after scholarships, so he will) if i don’t come home for the summer. Parents- DON’T ACT LIKE THAT! Your kids WILL want to talk about college with you. But please don’t badger them about it constantly. This annoys even the calmest of people and could cause tension! For some kids, asking them about feelings is fine. But for others (dare I say the majority of us?), it just feels like you’re prying and that you’re using it as a way to make you feel better rather than us, regardless of whether it’s true or not. Also, your kids aren’t such kids anymore and need to be able to take control of their own lives. If they want to spend the summer away from home- let them and don’t make threats to keep them at home. You don’t have control anymore.</p>

<p>My dad is the complete opposite. Every time I bring up something about college (classes, major, internships, etc), he goes on a lecture about everything I need to do- from classes to networking to who I “can” and “can’t” associate with. Drives me nuts! So I don’t bring it up anymore. To top it off, my grandpa sends me articles weekly emphasising how I should take Chinese despite the fact that I have made it clear to him that my intentions lay with other languages.</p>

<p>Being sullen and angry is a coping device, but it also helps us cope with our parents driving us batty! Take a minute to examine how you interact with your child. What you percieve to be just taking an active interest in your child’s education can come off as being extremely clingy and hovery. While that’s natural, it’s also natural for your kids to fight it.</p>

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<p>Just because it is normal doesn’t mean it is acceptable. I agree that a parent can be empathetic with the underlying reasons (stress/grief related to leaving home), and even articulate their understanding of the feelings when talking with their child, but still explain that there are acceptable and unacceptable ways of conveying those feelings. We don’t need to be treated with constant unpleasantness, or rudeness, and it isn’t good for the kids to think there are no consequences for that kind of behavior. </p>

<p>I have one daughter who acts like that (and two children who don’t)–and unfortunately, WAY before she is leaving for anywhere like college! </p>

<p>And also, don’t think I am crazy, but depending on your son’s sport, it is always good to be alert to signs of steroid use, one of which is noticeable anger/rage. I hope you don’t think I’m crazy for mentioning it.</p>

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<p>I LOVE how parents are supposed to bend over backwards and put up with snotty rude kids because they are going through a transition, yet if we show too much interest, we are the bad guys?</p>

<p>Why are so many accepting of rudesness from other adults- either these people are going off to college as adults- independent with some manners, or they are rude teens…</p>

<p>If your soon to be college offspring acted that way to grandma, the doctor, a sibling, would it be tolerated?</p>

<p>gosh, golly, sorry we parents annoy our kids so much- sorry for all the vacations, the clothes, the paying for school, and putting up with tantrums, messy houses, picky appetites, helping with school projects, watching games, listening to recitals (for that we deserve medals), feeding friends, driving all over the place, bringing in left lunches, going all over town looking for jsut the right backpack…we are just sooooo demanding when wanting some time after 18 years with someone who seems to be a bit ungrateful</p>

<p>bad bad parents…</p>

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<p>“Wanting time with” is one thing, but extreme hovering as described by SilverClover is just being controlling and would drive anyone crazy.</p>

<p>We have not had problems with DS–child #3–this summer and I have even noticed one really nice thing. He has a pleasant speaking voice! I say this b/c most of his HS years we only heard a mumble. Did you do your homework?–mumble. What exactly does this assignment entail?–mumblemumblemumble. Now he offers us information on what he is doing at work or lucid explanations of physics connundrums or computer problems. Both the content and the diction are really amazing for someone you would have thought had a serious speech impediment. :)</p>

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<p>I hate to say it, but I’m afraid I’m in the citygirlsmom camp.</p>

<p>I have two returning to college this fall. The older, my D, has improved her attitude some over the past year. At least she recognizes a few of the things we do for her. S, on the other hand, is still completely into himself most of the time. And the mumble, which he has perfected to an art, is still going strong.</p>

<p>Every once in awhile, a little gratitude would go a very long way.</p>

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<p>My son was depressed when he graduated from high school. This is evident in the pictures. He was depressed when he arrived at college. He was down all summer, working at a horrible job where my husband worked. His area of working was so loathsome that hardly anyone else working elsewhere in the company walked back there to visit. There was the daughter of another employee working for the same company that summer who never even saw my son, (they were friendly ther following summer). At my son’s college he did poorly on a math test to determine his level of competency and he was not permitted to enroll in a calculus course. (He ended up being a Phi Beta Kappa computer science and math major!) I did not understand what had been happening until we visited him the fall of his freshman year. As he was sitting in the back seat of our car, I heard him laugh at something on CAR TALK. It was at this point that I knew he had been terribly depressed previously. Since that time I have watched closely and note that he has trouble with transitions, major changes. Something similar happened between college and graduate school, and just recently as he made plans to take an internship across the country. I do not know whether your son is having a similar problem, but don’t rule it out. Good luck.</p>

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<p>citygirlsmom- you are dead on. My constant mantra to my daughters is, “would you speak to anyone else with such disdain in your voice?” That as gotten through to my youngest loud and clear and we seldom have to revisit this topic. My oldest on the otherhand is not catching on so quickly, although the other night I got an I’m sorry Mom, and I will try to do better. That is a significant step. My other mantra is “remember, no one will ever love you like your parents” and that one I only learned after having my own children.</p>

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<p>As one of the last to post my advice is to change your own attitude. Don’t pester him or complain. Look at every nice word, smile, good day or experience together as a victory. Remember and treasure those good moments, be positive and don’t dwell on where he has not met your expectations. Carry on with grace and wear a sunny disposition. Don’t be overbearing. I sincerely believe your present difficulty is not uncommon or rare.</p>

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<p>Would you tell an angry and sullen friend who recently experienced a death in the family to shape up because they are unpleasant to be around? Would you tell a new mother who is irritable and sleep-deprived that you’re a person, too, so quit complaining so much?</p>

<p>Psychologists recognize that leaving home is as stressful as having a death in the family or becoming a parent. We would respond with kindness to the bereaved family and the new parents, so why can’t we view our children with the same compassion? I understand it’s hard for parents and communicating a simple “please talk to me” or “some of the things you say hurt my feelings” is fine. Or, if it becomes too overwhelming, avoid your child when s/he is unpleasant. They probably want some space and to be alone anyway. </p>

<p>Perhaps the disagreement here is over the level of “abuse” a parent should take. In my view, as long as they aren’t physically or overly verbally abusive, I don’t blame children for stressing over a life-changing event like leaving home for college. I know what I consider to be “overly verbally abusive” and I bet it’s similar for most parents, although our standards may vary slightly. My disagreement is with those who believe that going off to college should be a normal event that causes no stress or behavior change. For those who are lucky enough to have that child, I congratulate you. You are rare parents indeed.</p>

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<p>You’re kidding me right, that going to college is as stressful as a death in the family? There is no way that going away to college should be considered THAT stressful.</p>

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<p>But the other side of the coin is, if our kids can’t get their vent off and learn how to express themselves (even negatively) in a safe environment around people who love them unconditionally (or atleast we say we do), then when or how should they do it? We know that when out kids gives us attitude about taking out the trash, it most of the time, their feelings have nothing to do with the garbarge but some other underlying issues where the attitude is being used as a coping mechanism (not a nice one, but there are other not so nice ones our kids could be using).</p>

<p>Keep in mind, we have spent all of these years raising our kids, and then magically at 18 or when they finish school, they are suppose to go out, be adults, remember a whole list of do’s and don’t and above all make us proud and bring home good grades. Then we sit back in shock and amazement as to why little Johnnie or jane is binge drinking?</p>

<p>Both positive and negative events in one’s life can be stressful. However, major life changes are the greatest contributors of stress for most people. They place the greatest demand on resources for coping.
Major Life Changes that can be Stressful</p>

<p>Geographic mobility.
Going to college.
Transfer to a new school.
Marriage.
Pregnancy.
New job.
New life style.
Divorce.
Death of a loved one.
Being fired from your job.
Stress can present and does itself in a number of different ways. There are several signs and symptoms that you may notice when you are experiencing stress. These signs and symptoms fall into four categories: Feelings, Thoughts, Behavior, and Physiology. When people are under stress, they may experience one or more of the following: </p>

<p>Feelings </p>

<p>Feeling anxious.
Feeling scared.
Feeling irritable.
Feeling moody. </p>

<p>Thoughts </p>

<p>Low self-esteem.
Fear of failure.
Inability to concentrate.
Embarrassing easily.
Worrying about the future.
Preoccupation with thoughts/tasks.
Forgetfulness. </p>

<p>Behavior </p>

<p>Stuttering and other speech difficulties.
Crying for no apparent reason.
Acting impulsively.
Startling easily.
Laughing in a high pitch and nervous tone of voice.
Grinding your teeth.
Increasing smoking.
Increasing use of drugs and alcohol.
Being accident prone.
Losing your appetite or overeating. </p>

<p>Physiology </p>

<p>Perspiration /sweaty hands.
Increased heart beat.
Trembling.
Nervous ticks.
Dryness of throat and mouth.
Tiring easily.
Urinating frequently.
Sleeping problems.
Diarrhea / indigestion / vomiting.
Butterflies in stomach.
Headaches.
Premenstrual tension.
Pain in the neck and or lower back.
Loss of appetite or overeating.
Susceptibility to illness.</p>

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<p>Of course going to college is as stressful as death. I’m going to college for the first time soon, and I have NEVER been this stressed out, and that includes the times when my aunt, great aunt, and grandfathers died.</p>

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<p>Here’s a link to a life events stress scale: <a href=“http://216.109.125.130/search/cache?p=stress-related+illness+death+loss&fr=FP-tab-web-t400&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8&u=www.huntingtonhospital.com/workfiles/lifeeventstressscale.pdf&w=stress+related+illness+death+loss&d=B9sGjGP9NElG&icp=1&.intl=us[/url]”>http://216.109.125.130/search/cache?p=stress-related+illness+death+loss&fr=FP-tab-web-t400&toggle=1&ei=UTF-8&u=www.huntingtonhospital.com/workfiles/lifeeventstressscale.pdf&w=stress+related+illness+death+loss&d=B9sGjGP9NElG&icp=1&.intl=us&lt;/a&gt; The death of a family member is approximately 2-3 times as stressful as finishing school. There is no specific category for “leaving for college” but most psychologists rank it as stressful as getting married or fired from your job, both of which are high stress events. Here’s a stress calculator if you want to play around with it: <a href=“http://www.mountcarmelhealth.com/117.cfm[/url]”>http://www.mountcarmelhealth.com/117.cfm&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

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<p>things are bad with my parents too… i want more freedom and they don’t want to give it to me. my mom walks in the door every day and starts talking about what i need to do. i feel like they don’t make any effort to compromise with me- they’re “because i said so” parents, and that’s not an effective strategy of dealing with kids or people in general (i’m a camp counselor… it’s my job to get along. with EVERYONE). i think i feel like they should be letting go of me this summer and they’re holding on even tighter. things probably wont get better until he goes away, or thats how i feel in my house. you could try to talk to him about the tension… i wish my parents made some effort to try to get along with me. they just want me to obey them 24/7. it doesnt work like that. once he goes away to college and comes back he will probably feel fresh and even miss you a bit… or thats what i anticipate about my situation</p>

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<p>I just think all this equating going to college with some of those stressful times in life (i.e. death, divorce, job loss) is a bit much. It’s a change, but it certainly isn’t a negative one (like the others mentioned), so don’t get so worked up over it! It’s normal to be anxious, excited, unsure of yourself in going to a new place, but overall going to college is(should be) a BENEFICIAL change in one’s life.
As an aside, getting married is as stressful as other people make it! I personally was really glad to be getting married, it was dealing with planning the darn reception that was tough! Would I consider it as ranking up there with my grandmothers drawn-out death from cancer…or my dad’s death…or my in-law losing a loved one on 9/11…don’t think so.
I always felt that any time you start to get too “woe is me, my life is so hard”, well there’s plenty others worse off than me.
wonder where they rank “scratching out a subsistence in some 3rd world country” on the stress scale?</p>