Last Summer Together a Disaster...Why?

Parent Cafe
101

<p>I started a thread last year for the same reason:</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=87843&page=4[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=87843&page=4&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>My S was being a complete brat, going from one extreme to the other. He was going out all the time and I felt like he was going to leave without me getting the chance to say the things I needed to say. If you get a chance to read the thread, there was alot of great advice from some wonderful people. </p>

<p>Also, my s is now going into his soph year, and he really has matured, just as many wise people advised. </p>

<p>In one post Hazmat said something I thought was funny, but also prophetic:</p>

<p>Long line </p>

<p>Some of these questions remind me of standing in line to get on a rollercoaster…first time rider…long wait, getting closer and your mom starts asking you if you think you are gonna throw up. Yup, that helps.</p>

102

<p>Sage- the one thing i might sugges if the behaviour of this summer is different than normal that you might want to look into counseling. a change in demeanor of that magnitude means that something else is probably going on, and talking to someone who is not as involved can help. i know that i would not have made it through this year without my counselor. she was oftentimes the only thing that helped to keep me sane, and thinking in a sensible manner. everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes, and it is nice for that someone to not be as invested in the situation as you and your husband are</p>

103

<p>Perhaps it’s best not to even think of the between-high-school-and-college summer as your family’s “last summer together.”</p>

<p>It may not be.</p>

<p>My son is halfway through college. Both this summer and last, he found excellent internships directly related to his major at a location less than ten miles from home. He has lived at home both summers and commuted to work. On the weekends during both summers, he and his father have spent huge amounts of time together, pursuing a hobby of mutual interest (a new interest for our son; a longstanding one for his dad). The two of them have far more to say to each other now than they ever did when our son was in high school. And there’s much less arguing around the house than there used to be. Since my son knows that in a few weeks he’ll be back on campus, there’s much less to argue about. Things that once seemed hugely important, either to him or to other family members, aren’t that way anymore because he has a whole life of his own elsewhere.</p>

<p>Nobody expected this to happen, but it did. </p>

<p>Who knows what will happen next summer, either with him or his younger sister?</p>

<p>You won’t know when the “last summer together” will be until many years from now, when you’re looking back. So why give one arbitrarily chosen summer that ominous status?</p>

104

<p>Sage-I’m really sorry that you have to go through this. I just graduated from high school myself, and I am afraid that I must admit we have no right to treat parents like that, in spite of all the stresses related to going to college. Going to college is a privilege that we definitely take for granted. </p>

<p>That being said, I have a feeling that deep down, your son is afraid to leave the family that has supported him his whole life. This is especially possible since he is an only child. And also, you mentioned that he avoids getting anything college-related done…that is a clear signal that he is not thrilled about leaving. All of these emotions can lead to depression, which your son may be suffering from right now. My suggestion–do not make him feel like he is alone and more importantly, do not blame yourself and think that your relationship with your son will never be better again. It will. And in the meantime, make sure to GET EVERYTHING DONE, meaning take care of all the college related things, even if your son refuses to do so. When his depression lifts, he will look back and thank all that you have done for him. But if you do alienate him and continue to blame yourself, what may have been a temporary phenomenon could turn into something permanent. </p>

<p>Again, keep in mind that this is a TEMPORARY thing. Your son is still your son and if you continue to give him your love like you do normally, he will come around. Good luck.</p>

105

<p>Just have to say I have mixed feelings here. When I reminded my son that he’ll be gone in three weeks, he seemed stunned and sad. I’m looking forward to time alone but boy am I crazy about him! He has a girlfriend who has been away and now that she’s back in town, I see a lot less of him. Anyway, this is not as stressful as a death in the family. This is just a change, not an ending.</p>

106

<p>Sage–it sounds like you are dealing with a lot, between your health issues and your feelings about your son leaving for college, and your sense that he doesn’t appreciate what you and your husband have sacrificed to put him in the college of his choice.</p>

<p>Could it be that you are being oversensitive and seeing offense where none is intended because you are the one feeling overwhelmed and sad? Is counseling an option for you? I would not assume the problem is all with your son and if he’d just be different things would be fine.</p>

<p>That being said, we are seeing some signs of stress with our daughter. She’ll be leaving in less than a month for college, and the slightest thing sends her into tears and panic. She was on her way home from work, stuck in traffic, and the fuel light came on. She called in a panic, sure she was going to run out of gas on the freeway, without just stopping to think that there’s an exit every mile or so and she could have just taken the next exit and gotten some gas, and that furthermore the low fuel light means you have about two gallons left. </p>

<p>She had to register for classes online and was in tears because she couldn’t effortlessly get all the classes she wanted. Her schedule is perfectly fine: two prereqs for her intended major and two general requirements, so it’s not like she’s wasting any credits–it just wasn’t what SHE had planned. She also had a bit of a tantrum because they wouldn’t allow her to take chem 101, bio 101 and Spanish as a first-semester freshman, because of the workload. Instead she was put in chem, bio and English comp and was all ****y about that. She had a tearful conversation with my husband about her schedule and was whining that she was feeling “gypped” because she had to register online and couldn’t go to new student day. </p>

<p>I stayed out of it but I was really irritated. She wouldn’t even consider in state or close-state schools-she wanted to go to the east coast, so we are paying up for everything: tuition, transportation, etc. A trip to new student day would have meant a cross-country plane trip, hotels, etc. She chose to visit in April for admitted student weekend and so a second trip in July is just too difficult financially and logisitically–even if she went on her own, because she can’t rent a car yet and the campus is remote and rural. </p>

<p>I am trying really hard to be understanding here; I know a lot of this is anxiety about leaving home and going so far away, now that the reality of the east coast dream is starting to hit, but honestly–she acts like the extremely minor scheduling hassles are deal-breakers.</p>

<p>I guess I am bothered by her attitude that she wants what she wants when she wants it and when she can’t have it there’s tears and anxiety. She’s always been a good kid, and when we thought she was taking on too much we’d tell her but we’d let her make the final decision. Now I wonder if we should have shown more authority and told her “no” more often. She’s so compliant and conscientous that we never had to really say “no” and I have to say that I do not like how she reacts when she hears “no.” She is just not used to it.</p>

107

<p>Mombot, I think you’re doing fine. Hang in there for another month. Anyway, take comfort in the fact that your daughter will learn to deal with hearing “no” at college. The important thing is you did a good job preparing her socially and academically to take the next step. </p>

<p>As bad as the summer before college is, just wait until the first semester. Get ready for some sad phone calls. Hopefully you have an unlimited calling plan so it won’t cost too much when she calls home for your support.</p>

108

<p>I highly recommend reading ag54’s thread from last year. There are some laugh-out-loud moments and a couple of posts that are guaranteed tear-jerkers. But, overall, it’s a lighter thread dealing with the same issues. Thanks, ag54, for a second look. :)</p>

<p><a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=87843[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=87843&lt;/a&gt; </p>

<p>One of my favorite posts from the mother of two ancient Peruvians:</p>

<p>*For many of us, this leave-taking is a rite of passage. But it’s a rather unscripted one. I envision it one way, H another and S yet another, and so there’s conflict. And swirling around it all is “the ideal” that some of us have been imagining for a while now. My ideal doesn’t include a suddenly sullen and crabby S who doesn’t want to talk and doesn’t want ANY help. (And it probably won’t include the probable arguments between the three of us as we load, drive, unload, etc… next weekend…sigh). </p>

<p>Therefore, my new goal is going to be to stop trying to make this event perfect and just see what happens. In fact, I’m throwing out all goals except one: deposit the kid at college on Move-in Day and get ONE hug goodbye. Somehow I think minimal expectations will serve me better this time around.</p>

<p>And, as Jamimom likes to point out, I’ve got to remember to love the kid I’ve got, grumpiness and all.* ~momof2inca</p>

109

<p>Do any of you have kids with cars who will just drive away? Actually, I’m thinking his stuff won’t fit in his car and we’ll both have to go but that seems harder. I’ll worry about him on the freeway more if I’m driving. Everytime I see a bad driver, I’ll want to warn my son.</p>

110

<p>I guess I don’t understand that parents just say, well, my baby is stressed, so they can be rude and mean and snotty, cause they are moving onto such a horrid thing- COLLEGE!!!</p>

<p>Those kids should count their blessings, look at how lucky they are to be able to go off and do something amazing!!! </p>

<p>There are kids who got into great schools, but can’t go because of money, kids that have to go parttime and work, kids who work and school fulltime, kids who have sick parents, and can’t leave at all,who have few options in life, kids who feel the best thing for them to get that education is to join the millitary</p>

<p>You have kids with cancer, orphans, in foster homes, with mentally ill parents, parents who put their kid on the street when they turned 18 or because they found their kid was gay, kids whose parents have money but won’t pay for anything</p>

<p>And these kids are so stressed out they have to be mean, and distant, and cruel and self absorbed</p>

<p>They should be so thankful that they are healthly enough to go to college, that they have the means, that they are able to buy new stuff- sheets, clothes, refrigertaotrs and take those clasess</p>

<p>Is this generation that spoiled they have NO clue how lucky they are?</p>

<p>Mombot, you have a really good insight into your daughter…best advice I can suggest is to say- well honey, this is life…when you make choices, sometimes things play out differently, and there you go. </p>

<p>let her cry, and my guess is she is hoping that if she was sad enough, maybe mom and dad would say, oh gee, lets spend $$$$ so you wo’t feel gypped… she will be fine and good for you for standing strong</p>

111

<p>I don’t know how much merit my words have in this situation (as I don’t have a child getting ready to leave for college at the moment), but it seems as if parents aren’t really viewing this from their child’s perspective. </p>

<p>I mean, I can definitely imagine how heartbreaking and stressful a parent’s life could be, just as they are letting their child go off to college and into a world of independence. Many parents have had good, solid relationships with their children, usually being within a 10 mile radius of their child at all times. Letting a child go can be one of the most difficult things a parent ever has to go through. However, when they finally send their child off to college, their lives don’t change for the most part. Sure, they are now going about their daily lives with one less person in the family, but as for their social lives, jobs, etc., life isn’t all that much different.</p>

<p>For a child on the other hand, leaving home can lead to a whole smorgasbord of dilemmas. The child has to worry about changing his lifestyle, his working habits, his level of independence, his responsibilities, and usually has to adjust to a (sometimes) drastic change of environment. He has to worry about meeting new people, forming new relationships, and essentially, establishing a new life. To top it all off, he has to go about this all on his own. Without holding his parent’s finger. The child knows that these changes are inevitable, that he won’t be back home for the majority of the year, and that there is really not much that he can do about it. And as if that weren’t enough, he knows that his parents will be in for a tough time as well, trying to get him ready for college and trying to cope with their own feelings. </p>

<p>Maybe in an attempt to make the separation easy on both him and his parents, the child becomes obnoxious, rude, elusive, and unattentive. Maybe it’s just the stress of the situation and the knowledge that life is going to be a whole lot different within two months that elicits this behavior. Whatever the case, the disrespectful behavior that the child exhibits is not due to ungratefulness or bad upbringing; in fact, it’s due more in part to the child’s love for the comfortable home life. My guess is that this is the child’s way of trying to express his sadness about finally leaving home for good, while at the same time trying to convince both himself and his parents that this is the right thing to do, that he and his parents should be ready for this transition to a whole new life. </p>

<p>CGM does bring up a good point about child behavior and how our children shouldn’t be disrespectful, as they could be in a plethora of worse situations. I would agree with her words for a child in grade school, but college is a whole other ball game. It’s one of the hardest changes a child and his parents can go through, and the worst part about it is that it can’t be avoided. I’m sure many people would agree that a child should appreciate what his parents have given him, but I’m also sure that many others would also agree that such a big change at such a young age can be taxing on a child. Parents, luckily, are not going through as big of a change as their child, and even if they are, they’ve likely experienced such changes in their lifetime. On the other hand, this situation is usually an entirely new one for a child, and that child does not know exactly how to deal with it. It’s an oftentimes scary situation and a child can be frustrated to the point that it seems as if he is ungrateful and intentionally disrespectful, even when he is not. It’s frustrating and it’s hard and life would be easier if the rude behavior and attitude could go, but it’s normal. It’s just important to understand that you and your child are going through the same conflict, and because you have different levels of life experience, you both handle it in different ways. Just make the most of this summer and try to alleviate as much stress from the situation as you can. The good part about this is that (according to other posters on this thread), your child will come back home during Thanksgiving both happy and glad to see his family again. As someone said earlier, ‘don’t worry, this shall soon pass’, and you will all look back on this situation knowing that you handled it well.</p>

112

<p>Personally, I find confident statements about how people should feel and should act to be less than helpful. People of all ages act in illogical but frequently predictable ways. Dealing with the way people actually do commonly act instead of the way they should act tends to lead to a more satisfactory outcome for everybody.</p>

<p>Teenagers can be capable of incredible selflessness. But most of the time most teenagers are very self-centered. It’s just the way people are at that stage of life. What I see throughout this thread is a lot of posts about how our kids should be more conscious of our feelings, what we’ve done for them, what we would like them to provide for us - in terms of our “Kodak moments”, etc. It would be a rare teenager who would have that as a high priority.</p>

<p>An 18 year old boy - particularly an only child - can have a lot riding on him in terms of his parent’s emotional needs. And 18 year old boys are not generally particularly well suited for focusing on and meeting those needs. I can see that leading to a lot of conflict - and it seems that it might be at the root of the conflict in this thread (although it’s hard to tell from the understandably limited specifics posted.) I thought JHS’ post #98 hit it on the head. A lot of the things parents (particularly moms) do “for” our kids, with less than the expected display of gratitude in response, is actually done “for” the parents. Putting Junior’s wardrobe or dorm room together (metaphor for “organizing his life”) is a task dutifully tackled by parents, when the son might be just as happy to throw an extra T-shirt and shorts on the floor of the closet and go out to experience that new “life” he’s heard about, all on his own.</p>

<p>The transition period between high school and college is stressful - and those who post that “good things” aren’t really stressful, only “bad things” are missing the point of what “stress” is. If the kid is responding to a lot of issues other than making mom and dad happy, it’s not such a surprising thing. If a kid finds his parents focus on his life to be clinging and intrusive, he’s not likely to respond well. This is a big part of the transition to a new form of relationship with his parents - from adult-child to adult-adult. It’s not surprising that there will be a few bumps along the way.</p>

113

<p>Me, again…weighing in…</p>

<p>These threads obviously don’t permit the OP to provide (comfortably) extreme detail. But, at this point, I’d like to clarify…</p>

<p>Kluge’s post (#112) hit a raw nerve. Our DS has always required more…a very difficult child all the way around to raise. It took us years, educational assessments for his ADD and other disabilities, and counseling to get a picture of who he was. DH has not been much involved in DS’s day-to-day…the relationship just was never that good (DH’s fault). For my part, I have tried to both mom and dad to DS…to help him move forward, be independent, yet give him opportunities for enrichment, activities, and friendship. DS and I were always very close (although, as before, DS always required more). DS has failure to launch…my efforts to help him are simply to get him out the door to his future, where I hope he will actually be independent (he clings too much). I feel like I am the target of his anger because maybe I’m moving him out of his comfort zone…something he needs to experience. Every significant transition was the same. DS appears to be in suspended animation…unable or unwilling to do anything all his life. No reward was big enough or consequence substantial enough to effect change. I’m not doing any of what I do for me or my emotional needs; it’s basically out of hope that DS will move forward with his life and not end up a 50-year-old man living in our basement.</p>

<p>Without my involvement, nothing would get done in prep for college…nothing would be bought or packed, etc. One might argue this means that DS isn’t ready for college and independent living. However, I believe that this adventure will both force him to rely on himself (unstick him, as it were) and build self-confidence which in some significant areas is really lacking.</p>

<p>While I appreciate all the comments, experiences, and advice, please understand that I am not ultra clingy mom trying to drive the car…just a mom who is trying to use jumper cables to start it. I have been my son’s biggest advocate for independence…encouraging, nudging, pushing (if necessary) to move from pushing the vehicle of life to actually getting in and driving away.</p>

114

<p>Let me begin by stating I believe there are as many reasons as there are families for parents and children to behave in whatever way as the college separation looms. </p>

<p>My oldest couldn’t wait to get out from under the “house rules” and though I thought he may never get himself up for class — he did and performed well academically. Our last summer with him dealt a good bit with the breaking away behavior–he wanted no curfew, didn’t want to have to check in, etc. We finally got it through his head that it was common courtesy for anyone in the household, adults included, to let others know where they were and when they would be home.</p>

<p>My D. also was eager for college and it was a year later before I found out that her boyfriend had become emotionally abusive and she saw it as a final escape from him. </p>

<p>My youngest had a very difficult time leaving. He is fairly good with sharing his feelings and let me know that he was so afraid of letting us down. He was quite aware of the money he was costing (and that it was more than spent on sibs) and was so afraid of failure that he almost didn’t want to try. Our last summer with him was an emotional roller coaster. At times he wanted to be with the family all the time and at others he almost seemed angry.</p>

<p>Yes, college is a wonderful opportunity (one that I would love to repeat), but with it for some students comes pressure and stress.</p>

<p>One boy from our neighborhood is scheduled to leave for an elite school this fall. He has become so anxious about it and so fearful of not being able to handle it, that he was hospitalized this week. It’s one thing to say that so many children/students have it worse, but what is happening to you is what is real.</p>

115

<p>mkm is right - every child is different, every parent is different, every parent-child relationship is different, and every situation is different. Which makes long distance diagnosis (based on a brief sketch of events) so hit or miss. All we can do is try to offer some perspective - a different way of looking at a situation which might not have occurred to the person who starts a thread - which they should feel free to ignore or think about, at their choice.</p>

116

<p>Sage,
I really commend you on the efforts you are making with your son. This must be such a difficult time, and to not have the direct involvement from his dad can only add more of a burden to your already substantial load. From all that you have written, I think that your instincts are correct in trying to get this kid out of your protective home and into the world. If he can handle the academics, is able to make new friends and if the college’s ‘personality’ is a good fit for him, this experience might be just exactly what he needs. He might realize that he is more capable than he believed and that the world outside of home is more interesting than he thought. I think that you are right when you say that you are the target of his ire because you are doing the launching. This makes a lot of sense. People who don’t like change generally try to “attack” those that are forcing change. My advice is to (as a character from the movie “The Devil Wears Prada” warns when the Boss is arriving one morning) “gird your loins.” And keep the faith. In otherwords, trust your instincts about what your son needs, not what he wants, and grow a tough skin for the month ahead. I would ignore snotty or sullen behavior (but not outright disrespect) and try not to rock the boat. Help him pack, if you need to. Just get the kid to campus and try for that one hug goodbye. You can cry all the way home, or laugh or cheer or whatever. Lower your expectations for those Kodak moments (they didn’t happen for me, unless you count the clip of my son’s feet running as fast as he could away from me up the stairs of the parking structure after we said goodbye) and hope for the best. Your son has been difficult all his life, as you said, and this transition will probably be no different. Most of us have not had such a difficult time and can only guess what it’s been like, but we are rooting for it to go well. Or at least to go! Just remember that his current unloving mood and actions do not mean that he won’t someday show his appreciation. And they don’t mean that God didn’t pick just the right mother to raise this kid.</p>

117

<p>I understand that kids are stressed, scared, etc., but that does NOT entitle them to be rude, disrespectful, etc…to let that go, can in a way, allow them to spin more out of control</p>

<p>Calling them on being that way can be helpful, hey, you are being pretty rude to me…this is an adult we are talking about, and so they are stressed, there is still no need to be rude again and again</p>

<p>Yes occasional outbursts and frustration are understandable on boths sides, but a continual way of acting is just cruel</p>

<p>If a child is really stressed, they need help, but that still doesn’t excuse being a brat</p>

<p>There is a difference between a kid who is having some serious issues, and a kid who is just being harsh.</p>

<p>Sure its “normal” to be rude and mean and snotty and callous and cold to mom and dad who sacrifise so much, but that does not make it right. </p>

<p>Wow, we expect more from a middle school kid and a toddler than we do from an 18 year old.</p>

<p>Why are we so afraid to tell our kid who is going through Normal separation anxiety that it doesn’t help anybody if they act like jerks…we do no one a service by that.</p>

<p>The OP is very attuned to what is going on and it saddens me to read her posts, I can feel her pain and frustration. </p>

<p>It just seems that many disregard the parent’s in all this and its all about the college student, who many feel should just do whatever they want, because, its a stress.</p>

<p>for some it is really a stress, but for others, its an excuse to be plain old jerky.</p>

118

<p>Sage…your last post was so revealing. Cyber hugs to you for all your efforts to ‘launch’ your son. Clearly he struggle more than most boys.</p>

<p>May I add the suggestion that you seek out a brilliant psychiatrist for guidance in helping your son launch? I say this because so many mental illnesses manifest during the time the child leaves the safe structure of home life. My brilliant youngest brother was hospitalized with severe psychotic bi-polar illness a month after he graduated from univeristy and was working as a promising young journalist. It was the first of 10 hospitalizations. </p>

<p>There were so many signs that the illness was overtaking him–but we did not know what to look for. A psychiatrist–and the more brilliant the better in my experience–could help you understand the transition your son is making.</p>

<p>Extreme irritability and temper tantrums are symptoms of mental illness–especially in teenagers. So is the inability to maintain same-sex relationships, a by-product of the inability to read social cues. My brother was furious with my parents from the time he was 20 until he was 35. They couldn’t ‘fix’ his ailing mind or his failure to properly socialize. He hated them for that. An irrational hate, but painful all the same. Between my parents, my dad struggled more with him at first, but eventually, my dad found the strength and patience to cope with his wounded prodigy. He has more patience than my mom now.</p>

<p>The good news is that my brother has a steady job. Nothing that flash but he’s successful and he’s fairly happy and socially engaged and for that we are all so grateful. The other good news is that my brother doesn’t live at home at 42–though he does depend on my parents and siblings for his social life. Of course, the flip side is that he is there for my 70 somehting parents when they need driving and other errands done.</p>

<p>Anyway, good luck to you and cyber blessings on your stalwart love.</p>

119

<p>Hey parents, </p>

<p>I remember when I was preparing to leave for college (2003) and my mother and I got into it all the time. It was both sides though. She wanted control of everything from my prom plans to what I would take to school to where I went and what I did every night during the summer before college. I really just wanted my space to enjoy my last few months with my friends, especially because I was leaving for a college on the other side of the country. My best friend had the same problem-- our parents just couldn’t give us the space we needed to start growing as adults. </p>

<p>Just wanted to add a little something to the discussion. </p>

<p>C</p>

120

<p>“I really just wanted my space to enjoy my last few months with my friends,”</p>

<p>that says a lot…spending times with friends only…kind of selfish don’t you think</p>

<p>18 years and their baby is moving to the other side of the country and you just wanted to be with your friends…nice…</p>

<p>ADULTS are grateful for what they have and appreciate and understand those that gave so much of their time, money, and often gave up things for another person</p>

<p>Parents are going to MISS their children as much as children are going to miss their friends, but if you spend little time with them, when you ARE around they feel they need to get it all in </p>

<p>Interesting that your friends feelings, your own feelings are more important than your parents</p>

<p>To be an adult, you need to think about others, and give a bit, an adult does not just focus on their own fun…</p>

<p>If a person wants to be treated like an adult, they need to act like one, and that means going beyond themselves and their your own wants and desires, untll a child does that, they are not really an adult…playing around all summer with friends does not make someone an adult, having no courtesy does not make someone an adult, not having to check in does not make someone an adult (my mom lives with us, and if i go out, i let her know, if she does, my H is gonna be late)</p>

<p>Being an adult means having manners, having empathy, having respect, and rembering that others have feelings and matter, especially after 18 years</p>

<p>Its not all about the college kid, even though many seem to think it is</p>