<p>teriwtt, I’ll requote what someone said upthread: “I think having relationships and learning the skills involved in them is a healthy and important part of growing up.”</p>
<p>That’s one concern I have. </p>
<p>I wasn’t worried or concerned when my daughter didn’t date in HS. But when the lack of any relationship continued into college and now post-college – I’m sorry, I find that odd. Of all her close friends, she is the only one who has not had a longterm relationship, and only one relationship that lasted longer than 2 dates.</p>
<p>I’m not panicked. But I also agree with everything Lizardly said. I know many women in their 40s and 50s who never married. Most have fulfilling careers and close friends. But I don’t want my daughter to end up like one of my friends who is about 40. Never had a relationship, has a good career and many friends, but she has a very long list of TV and movie “boyfriends” who she oohs and aahs over quite publicly. There’s something not quite right with that picture. Just like I want my daughter to love her job and be healthy, etc., etc., I want her to be in love and experience romance and intimacy with someone who loves her back.</p>
<p>Yes, I know there is still plenty of time. But there is a part of me that wonders if this is a symptom of something else – a fear of intimacy, fear of taking risks, etc. </p>
<p>Starting to date casually in college is normal, certainly not late as many won’t have done so in HS. ANY dating counts as being “bloomed” not just “serious relationships”. Going out to eat with someone isn’t necessarily dating, either if it’s just two friends getting together for the meal.</p>
<p>Just about every young adult I know of has lived with their mate before marriage, often several years. In my day living together started becoming more common but was still not the norm it seems to be today. Often buying a house (together or in one partner’s name) and/or having a child together precedes marriage. </p>
<p>After the break-up of the two-month thing, ds1 told me that he wished he had dated in HS. I think he realized he wasn’t as experienced as he’d liked to have been. That always was my concern. I have no doubt he’ll find someone eventually.</p>
<p>We had a rule about no dating until 15. D2 actually told me when she was 13 that by the time she was 15 all the cute guys would have been taken.</p>
<p>D1 never dated in high school other than prom dates. She dated a bit in college, but had 2 long term relationships. She is still with the second one and I think he maybe the keeper for her.</p>
<p>D2 has been in and out of relationship since she started college, but with very little success to find a keeper. I am telling her to wait until law school. D2 is a guy magnet because she is very beautiful, but they don’t always turn into good match. She is learning to filter them out.</p>
<p>DS told us that he wished he had spent more time in finding a date in college.</p>
<p>Also, I am not sure whether he was joking when he said this: He lost many opportunities of dating just because he did not drink in college. I guess what he is trying to say is that he might have more “courage” to ask a girl out if he is under some influence of alcohol. If this is true, the fear of rejection may be his “issue”.</p>
<p>I think he is not a person who is particularly good at taking a risk. I actually think one reason why he thinks he had to tell us (even though he does not have to) about his dating is that he is afraid of “not doing it right.” An example is that he actually asked us whether it is too pushy to ask a girl out only one week after their first date. Maybe another reason is that he wants us to know that he will spend more money on the dating events and wants to make sure that we are OK with that - of course I think he should have known that we would be OK with it by now. But this points to his personality. It is almost always the case that, when he spent, say, 50+ dollars, he would think he is obliged to tell us either before or after it happens, even though we have never asked him to do so.</p>
<p>As a parent with 2 girls, I know it goes a long way when a guy actually asks a girl out on a date instead of “I am going to be at this frat party, lets meet up there” and then expected to hook up later. Even in college, my girls went out with guys who picked them up and dropped them off after a date. A date would be a movie, a dinner out, or a formal party at his fraternity.</p>
<p>What’s interesting is D1 wrote a guy off when he didn’t drop her in front of the restaurant (she was wearing high heels and dress) before he went to park the car. They had to walk 4-5 blocks in a very cold weather. Her dad has always dropped off and walked the distance, so that’s what she expected.</p>
<p>Sseamom, re " I saw upthread mention of someone being considered at late bloomer at 20. REALLY?? At that age they still can’t decide what to wear that day. And there’s a concern because they’re not settling down yet. Yeesh" - you might have been referring to my post - I started the old thread 2 yrs ago, and my youngest is 20. I specifically said “no relationships, even transient ones”. I don’t think anyone here wants their kids to “settle down” at that age. I think my daughters would both be relieved to get a starter relationship over with. I think they both feel a little weird about not having had one.
Teriwt, you also expressed concern that parents want kids to find partners to make the parents feel good (I paraphrase…feel free to correct me). As Lizardly and Fireandrain both expressed pretty eloquently, many of us just want our kids to find happiness and meaning on their own terms. For mine, I know that means partners and kids. Neither wants to be single in the long run.</p>
<p>What’s interesting is D1 wrote a guy off when he didn’t drop her in front of the restaurant (she was wearing high heels and dress) before he went to park the car. They had to walk 4-5 blocks in a very cold weather. Her dad has always dropped off and walked the distance, so that’s what she expected.</p>
<p>That is interesting.
I wonder if she verbalized her expectations before hand. In my family, we dress with the expectation that there will be walking involved, and enjoy chatting during the walk to the theatre or restaurant, ( assuming its not during a storm, but in which case we probably would have stayed home), admittedly, before I had my knee replacement I appreciated being dropped off, but now that it has been a year, Im back to walking again.
Oftentimes the restaurants wont seat you anyway until everyone in your party has arrived, yet there may not be room to wait. Might as well walk and keep your date company!
:)</p>
<p>We tend not to wear shoes meant for walking when we get dressed up. I think D1 may have said something and the guy thought it was not necessary.</p>
<p>In that case, a recommendation from someone who was of college/fresh 20 something not too long ago: unless your college student/young adult children come to ask for advice on such matters of their own complete free will…let them and nature take their natural course. </p>
<p>Especially considering the possibilities of blame and recrimination which may result if a given child feels he/she’s pushed into a relationship/marriage before he/she’s ready due to parental/older relatives’ pressure*. Got to see 2 examples in my own family and I hope to never have to go through all the BS they’ve went through.</p>
<ul>
<li>Including bringing this topic up when they were not the ones to initially broach the subject.<br></li>
</ul>
<p>Well, not only let them, but trust that what is meant to happen, will happen in its own proper time. </p>
<p>I guess this is where I feel differently than some parents. It seems as if some parents aren’t able to trust the unfolding of their kids’ futures without scrutinizing every possible relationship. </p>
<p>Perhaps I’m skewed because I grew up with a brother who didn’t marry until he was in his early 30s (I’m nine years younger and married six months before him). It just never occurred to me that he was somehow a late bloomer that my parents should have concerns about. More so, he and his wife never had children, and she died from cancer about five years ago. I doubt he’ll marry again (despite only being 63), but I don’t look at him as someone I should worry about, being alone; he’s a bit of an absent-minded professor at times, but would make someone a lovely partner. He has a very rich professional life and has outside interests that keep him busy. If he felt the need to be with someone, he would do something about it. I guess that’s how I see my own kids. If and when it’s meant to happen that they end up in happy relationships (whether they’re married or not), then it will happen. For all I know, D1 (the unencumbered, does-not-date-that-much) could be the one married in less than two years and ready to pop out some babies, while D2 (in a very committed relationship that is just-short-of-a-ring-engaged) might be one who ends up never settling down permanently. </p>
<p>If the guy was college age…especially young college age I can easily see it as a result of inexperience and/or momentary lapse of judgment for that reason. </p>
<p>That or he could be coming from a male subculture whose members may go on such dates to see how far he can “push the envelope” on what they’d consider a “high maintenance” date. </p>
<p>In that subculture, being regarded as a “gentleman” is a label to be discarded as if one caught a contagious virus, not a compliment to be worn with pride. </p>
<p>cobrat and teriwtt seem to think that I spend my time haranguing my daughter about her sad single life. Or making disparaging remarks about it to her. I don’t do either of those things. I also don’t “scrutinize every relationship” because there haven’t been any to scrutinize. And I am letting nature take its course, because I haven’t tried any match making, or pushed her to do online dating, or anything like that. And if my daughter ends up single her whole life, I won’t love her any less for it.</p>
<p>There are a whole range of things that parents worry about, starting from day one. Much of what we panicked about when our kids were infants look pretty insignificant now. But we worried anyway. This is something I worry about – there’s nothing I can do about it, but I can get some empathy here from parents who are experiencing something similar. </p>