Late bloomer kids-dating update

Parent Cafe
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<p>I’m gonna jump in here, ignoring the “late bloomer” designation, because both of my kids were “early bloomers”.D D had two boyfriends in middle school and 1 boyfriend from freshman year 'til her first semester of college. S had girlfriends since 5th grade, and one GF from 7th grade until …wait for it…his first semester of college. </p>

<p>I’m chiming in because all of us worry about our children’s happiness. I worry that I raised wonderful children who won’t be able to find wonderful mates to share their lives with, because this world seems to be full of uncaring selfish harsh young people. I know that’s not entirely true, and there are great people out there, but how to meet them??? D is now almost 24, and it’s been 3 years since her last relationship. She’s said that being alone “sucks” but it’s better than being in some of her previous relationships. S has bounced back from his breakup, but told me that he doesn’t think he will ever get married, where that was a big goal for him previously. He’s really, really young. I’m not worried about that. I was just taken aback by his new cynicism.</p>

<p>I would never pressure my kids to get married, have children, or any of those things that used to be considered “normal.” As a matter of fact, one of the things I loved about my mom and my inlaws was that I wasn’t pressured to be married, and we weren’t pressured to have children, even though they were all pleased when the grandchildren came. But I’m allowed to worry, and I do hope that they have satisfying personal lives. Friendships are great, and they have wonderful friendships, especially my son, who seems to have a knack for finding smart, funny, creative kids to hang out with.</p>

<p>However…romantic relationships are wonderful, no matter how they wind up. It’s part of life, and I want my children to experience life in all its crazy glory. And I haven’t seen any mention of sex in all of this. I don’t want to know about my children’s sex lives, but eventually I hope they would have one. </p>

<p>I guess my point is that I can’t imagine not worrying, to some extent, about how it’s all going to turn out. I guess I’ll just have to hold my breath. </p>

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<p>If 16 is considered a late bloomer, I must be a freak of nature. 21/f and I’ve never even been on a date. Ever.</p>

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<p>@mcat2 I think his saying that he lost dating opportunities because of not drinking in college isn’t because he needed to be under the influence to have the courage at all. He probably meant that a) it is VERY difficult to meet people if you don’t drink in college because it is such a massive part of the social scene and b) it’s not very fun to date someone who drinks for fun if you don’t. I don’t drink and I’m sure that contributed to my lack of dating during college because I never went to bars or parties where there was significant drinking. I also don’t want to date people for whom drinking is important because that’s a pretty significant lifestyle difference. </p>

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<p>I think DS is influenced by me because I strongly dislike drinking. In college, I believe he had many chances to drink and got drunk, but he chose not to.</p>

<p>I think he loosens up a little bit post-college. I suspect that the potential “girlfriend” (maybe still too early to call her this) whom he dates with may have a little bit more experience in drinking wine, etc. I heard she grew up from a family who may go to fancier vacation, or restaurants more often than we do. I also heard they splurged a little bit (like $30) for two people’s drink on a special occasion. (They share the cost.)</p>

<p>I am ignorant about drinks. He recently learned (likely from her?) that there is another kind of drink (from Mexico or Spain) which is similar to Margareta (like drink with a little bit of salt) but it is really not Margareta. What is that?</p>

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<p>I agree, re the drinking and friends. I think it might be harder with males. My son rarely did and tired of listening to women cry on his shoulder about dumb things they did after the fact and then do them again and again. (he has very logical brain) He did find a female friend that ended up being more serious as the year went on and a small group of male friends but the majority of students were having loud parties that most didn’t remember on the weekends. That lessened as the 4 years progressed but drinking was still a reason to get together for many. I think many respected those who didn’t, it was just enjoying being with people that over-drank more than a dislike of it. </p>

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<p>Both of my kids joined Greek life. They had many formals that required to have a date. Whoever didn’t have a date would be set up with someone’s friend. They also had mixers between sororities and fraternities, which made it conducive to meet more people. Those social gatherings involved drinking, but one didn’t have to get drunk (or even drink) to have a good time there.</p>

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<p>cobrat - I believe you graduated from high school in the 90s, so I don’t think you understand the current dating scene for young people any more than we do. I do not understand the subculture of purposely wanting to be rude/inconsiderate, it is called immaturity, and that’s why a lot of women do not want to date guys like that.</p>

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<p>

At his age, why would your son think you had to be OK with money he spends on dates? You aren’t paying for these dates, are you?</p>

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<p>

I read this:

And thought, “Being a jerk was a subculture?” I’m unsure what else it could be. I am not aware of what cobrat is referring to. </p>

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<p>I don’t think that not dropping a girl off in front of a restaurant is rude, per se. I think that not dressing for the weather and expecting everyone else to accommodate you smacks of being a princess.</p>

<p>To me, it would certainly be thoughtful for a guy, especially one who observes that his date is inadequately dressed for the weather, to offer to drop her off. I also would be surprised at a guy who was actually asked to do so and didn’t. Not a good sign.</p>

<p>But then, as I’ve said before, my high-maintenance, girly-girly credentials are almost non-existent.</p>

<p>Oldfort, I’m curious: what does your D do when she dates a guy in NYC? Does she expect him to cab her all over town, rather than taking the subway? Even if they are doing something casual like going to galleries or a museum during the day?</p>

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<p>Oooh. I didn’t see it as her being a princess. She’d just like a guy to have some traditional traits. I don’t have this issue with D1. If anything, my concern was she was too easy going. (Now that she’s had some real dates- not counting that hs boy- she is liking the appreciative touches.) </p>

<p>One of the reasons we do want them to have some experiences more than just hanging together or meeting each other across campus for some event, IS to have them start to sort their likes, preferences, etc. One-on-one allows for that. It’s youth. They learn.</p>

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<p>It’s called situation awareness or observing. Once you see the girl in high heels you should re-consider where to drop her, especially when she drops hint. </p>

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<p>Personally, I dont know why you would delibrately hobble yourself.
But I do agree that the young man in question sounds insensitive.</p>

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<p>You never wear high heels?</p>

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<p>I made my observations about this because I am close enough in age to undergrads and 20-somethings and have many friends who are dating…and never feel reluctant to tell me about the good/bad points. I also date when time permits. :)</p>

<p>As a male, I have also observed and remembered how young college males(freshman & sophomores), especially those with little/no dating experience could have had a momentary lapse in judgment in matters like your situation because of that inexperience. I’ve also had several younger male friends who did precisely that and there was a wide variety of responses depending on whether the women were understanding/not to how attractive they perceived my male friends to be along with the age of the males who committed the faux pas(Understandable at 16-20, not ok past 20-21). </p>

<p>Not surprisingly, the male friends who were considered most attractive got away with far more than the less attractive ones. And this applies regardless of gender. </p>

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<p>Yes, actually there is a male subculture where being a jerk or at least, not taking formalistic rituals expected of “gentlemen” very seriously and regarding the “gentleman” label as a contagious virus to be avoided at all costs. </p>

<p>I sympathize with parts against “high maintenance” dates/SOs as I’ve been on a few and knew several friends who suffered hugely from them. However, I reject the parts where one is rude or jerky for the sake of being such or that being a “gentleman” is always a bad thing. IMO, they need to be much more selective beyond physical attraction in choosing whom they ask out on a date/to be their SOs. </p>

<p>A friend who was fortunate to have broken up with one such ex even with the substantial heartache on his part eventually married a more mature and understanding woman. Not too long after the wedding, his mother came up to me and said right out of the blue, “I’m glad that [name of high maintenance ex] will never become part of our family.” </p>

<p>She knew I was close enough to her son to have been aware of the entire drama surrounding him and that ex. Understandable feelings…especially considering I saw red flags from the beginning such as her demands to eat out 4-5 times a week despite the fact he was just graduating college with college loan debt to pay off. </p>

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<p>A nice rule of thumb is that if you’re going to wear high heels, make sure you can walk in them and to not complain about it because you did choose to wear them. I enjoy wearing high heels. They hurt after some good hours, but I suck it up because I chose to wear them. </p>

<p>Now, if a guy’s date said, “Could you drop me off at the front? I’m unsure if I can walk all the way.” And the guy decided she’ll be fine walking, this says more about the guy than the girl in this case. </p>

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<p>*
You never wear high heels?*</p>

<p>I never wear shoes that I cant walk in, why would I?
I also dont wear clothes that I can’t move in & I dress appropriately for the weather.
Its called common sense.
;)</p>

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<p>When I was younger I definitely wore a lot of high heel shoes so I do sympathize with Oldfort’s daughter. Now that I’m older I do wear sensible shoes.</p>

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<p>The fraternity/sorority thing-ESPECIALLY down south is huge for meeting people and being outgoing. S1 is independent(non-Greek) but has several friends that are in Greek-he pledged freshman year but dropped soon after because of he felt like he was faking it and he didn’t want to cut off friends for an organization. Especially down south-there is a HUGE pressure to have “life long friends and immerse yourself in it”-s1 said no thanks to that-Ironically, his most recent GF was in greek, and he said it was very hard on him because she constantly expected to be taken out to eat 3-4 times a week and him to spend money that he doesn’t have on her. This was part of the reason they broke up-girls that are so high maintanence ANYTHING isn’t good enough for them. Some fraternity guys(read-not the nice ones) are very objectifying and demean women and the social stigma of fraternities gets them girls. S1 did mention that a lot of the girls in the sorority hate each other privately (nothing new) and he said that there was a ton of drama-like HS. Now don’t get me wrong-he has a good amount of friends in greek and parties with them a fare amount but the whole “culture thing” especially down south is a way a lot of not so nice guys wind up with GFs. His frat friends are very polite to us when we met them and are good people-but as he says “half of them are what greek life should be, half of them are what the stereotype is”.</p>

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<p>Consolation - If she was wearing heels and she has a long distance to go she would cab it with or without a guy. D1 got herself all dressed up because the guy invited her out to a nice restaurant. She didn’t expect to have to walk such a long distance to the restaurant due to lack of parking. It is very judgmental to call my D a princess when in fact the guy should have been more of a gentleman. </p>