I finally had to drop out of my kid’s college parent Facebook page. So many parents were asking basic info for their college kids-what time does lacrosse practice start, what room is piano club meeting in, what can my son do for fun this weekend, who does my daughter call for computer help. The college has a veritable army of supportive resident advisors, student mentors, faculty advisors, a fully manned student center, a help desk-but some parents had to intervene to provide all the answers for these kids. Providing such help is about the parents needs, not the students.
The parent Facebook page for my daughter’s college is similar. I’m still in it partly because as a semi-local I feel like I can be helpful with the kinds of things parents should be using the group for. Things like “Hey, we’re coming to visit, what are some good restaurants?” I just roll my eyes at most of the questions.
“health, safety, love, and limits, the rest is commentary”
That sounds nice but it’s pretty abstract, what exactly is health and love? Those are ambiguous terms, isn’t health food? In certain cultures, it’s a heinous sin if you eat and your kids don’t. This thread just oozes judgement and condescension.
Or maybe the thread oozes concern, @theloniusmonk. It is right to be concerned when young people can’t adjust to the ordinary demands of life-both for them and for the rest of us who may have to pick up the pieces. If a substantial portion of young adults are failing the transition to adulthood (see Madeleine Levine’s work, etc), that should worry us all.
@theloniousmonk There is not a parent on this site who has not made a blunder or a 100 raising their kids. Like the time I took the training wheels off of my son’s bike too early and he had a broken ankle a week later to show for it… Or the time that I forgot that it was my turn to pick up my child from daycare. Or the time I feel asleep and my son fell off of the couch at 15 months old. (Glad child protective services wasn’t around). It is pretty hard to judge when my own house hasn’t been close to perfect. We all just do the best we can to raise healthy, happy, and productive people.
Talking about a Facebook page, it’s perfectly possible to use online reviews to figure out what are some good restaurants in town, is it immature to waste other people’s time asking about this? 
“It is right to be concerned when young people can’t adjust to the ordinary demands of life-both for them and for the rest of us who may have to pick up the pieces.”
This thread is people patting themselves on the back for the great job they’ve done raising their kids. If you’re so concerned, maybe you can write a book or start a blog to guide other parents who have done a bad job raising their kids. They’ll be waiting!
No Yucca, because those are subjective opinions, so I understand asking for those. The practice time or meeting room or movie show times are not subjective, and the students there have frankly better access to that info than parents hundreds of miles away.
No need to be snarky,thelonius. I, and many others, acknowledge that I did way too much for my kids earlier, and wish I had let go earlier. It took me the longest time to realize that the reason my kid didn’t know what her science homework was, was because I did know. I am grateful to the mom who suggested not knowing. Yes, there were tears that first night my kid asked and I said I had no idea what it was, but she quickly adapted, and so did I. I wish the other mom had told me in 3rd rather than 5th grade.
I do find it hard to avoid wanting to help steer my kids largely because I sent them to private colleges, where the cost of mistakes that lead to delays in graduating is astronomical. What’s done is done, but I often wonder if I would have done better by them by telling them I refuse to pay for private school, and they can either go to a public/cheap university or take out loans for private school. Going to public school in my mind, gives them leeway for mistakes in college, knowing that a 4 yr degree in 5 years is affordable. Going to private with loans means they need to consider the cost of mistakes and work harder to avoid them. Would hate to have paid for 5 years of private college, via debt, and then have terrible career prospects that would allow the debt to be repaid !
I can’t wait for them to graduate and be on their own, where I will most certainly feel any further responsibility for their “path”, hence wont feel tempted to mow. I hate feeling the urge…
“Her 24 year old son interviewing for a tech job! My friend questioned her - she wanted to make sure he got there on time and didn’t get lost, so drove him. He didn’t get the job.”
I do think this is a little overboard, but I’m sure people reading that are feeling really good about themselves, you know, schadenfreude, pleasure derived by someone else’s misfortune.
@theloniusmonk You are definitely right about needing to write a book, because my wife won’t listen to my “How to raise a child” sermon. But seriously, one of the reasons I keep coming back to CC is there are parents who have navigated many parts of the child rearing/college admissions process that give insight and some inspiration for me personally. I am still “in process” with a kid still at home, and nothing is promised, no matter what philosophical tack we take. I once talked to “model parents” whose one child was lost to drugs and whose other children are all model adults and one thing that I realized was we sometimes have no say in the final outcome. So whether one is here for a pat on the back or to help others, some insight may be gleaned from the posters. Or maybe not. It is up to each reader to decide.
Kindness is one of our family’s core values. If my child forgets something, which response is kinder - bring it to them (if I can) or teach them a lesson about organization? YMMV but in our case, its helping whenever possible.
But, helping someone doesn’t mean doing everything for them.
I don’t think doing things for family members is snowplowing or lawn mowing, as long as they know how to do it themselves. Do they know how to take their lunch to school but just forgot? Then be nice and take them a lunch. Do they know they could buy a lunch? Then you have trained them well.
I don’t even think the mother driving the kid to an interview is a problem. I have a kid who doesn’t drive very well, and if she had to go downtown and park? I’d take her. We have a friend who doesn’t drive so someone would drive her to an interview (and then NOT sit in the lobby and talk to the CEO). The issue is could the child figure out how to get to the interview on his own by taking public transportation or an Uber? If so, and the mom driving is just the most convenient, then why not?
@HMom16 Kindness in my family is very important as well (especially when it comes to those less fortunate than we are). My family’s Religion plays a big part in my household. Many Biblical stories have lessons taught (some are very tough) by a creator who is also very kind. I am in no way comparing myself to such a lofty perch, but for my family, teaching a lesson young on being responsible in no way affected my son’s naturally kind heart (He doesn’t care about any EC that doesn’t help people). Today, I would totally help him in a similar situation (because he definitely values my time versus years ago when he thought the world revolved around him) but he hasn’t needed it. Hopefully, all of the mistakes and traumas caused by the rigidness of my household will be overcome by my children on the way to having and raising their own children one day.
I went to Catholic school and thankfully the creator is not as judgemental as people on this thread. I’m sure the mother who drove the kid to the job interview is on the good side of things.
Some perspective to this question. When our first child was born, we got some simple advice about childraising from my wife’s grandmother: “Just bring them up alive.” She grew up in a different era, of course, one in which exposure to everyday illnesses (polio, measles, mumps, chickenpox, etc.) was ubiquitous. She had a point: the most important thing is our children’s health. Keep them safe. Make them strong. That was always our priority.
AFTER THAT came everything else. We didn’t know where our kids would ultimately go with their schooling, careers, and their own families. But we wanted them to have choices, to explore, to discover their own talents. Even then, as someone who grows roses, I knew there were some very different approaches to childraising. In rose growing there are different philosophies about when to fertilize them. One is the “kick in the pants” approach: stimulate growth through early fertilization. Another is the “pat on the back” approach: let the roses bud out, and then fertilize them as a reward. With our kids, since they both had a lot of energy, we largely followed the “pat on the back” approach. We let them take the lead. We protected them and fed and gave them a wide exposure to opportunities to explore things, but they defined their interests through experiment and learning. We followed their lead.
This isn’t an argument against discipline and structure. It’s an argument that as parents we supplied safety and opportunity for the kids to learn and explore. The kids determined what they like, what they could be good at.
I think I kind of sucked at this. My son was bullied in 8th grade, so that was the year I began to let things slide for him. I really tried to make things smoother than I should have. Looking back, I realize that I should have pushed a little more and pulled a little less. But even if I’d been the ideal mother, my children would still not be perfect. So much of this comes down to the fact that it’s sinners raising sinners!
@roycroftmom That was my point - there are tons of subjective opinions on the internet, no need to ask for more. However, I do think it’s a good thing to ask strangers about their opinions - this creates a personal connection and warm feelings between people who might never meet each other. I think helping your family members plays a similar role within the family. However, unreasonable demands are detrimental to warm feeling, so there’s a definite line here.
By the way, lions don’t push their cubs over a cliff and raise only the one that climb back up! Lions are extremely protective of their young and would never hurl them off a cliff.
Most animals with small litter size behave like lions. It’s neither shame nor wrong unless you actively cheat on other people for your own cub’s gain, which most animals including lions don’t do either.
Inspired by some internet quot but I wrote more than half. Seems I can’t directly copy due to forum rules.