Is it immature to ask on a forum for advice on a specific location? Because we have quite a lot of threads about specific travel destinations, for food recommendations, clothes and shoes recommendations and no one seems to mind. In fact, you replied on a recent thread about Albuquerque. Unless I’m misreading your response it seems like asking for personal advice is quite common.
@amom2girls That was tongue-in-cheek, see my later comment.
gotcha! Helpful to have some sort of indication since it’s so easy to misread. It’s difficult as the tread devolves;)
Resiliency and self-reliance and the ability to self-advocate are all skills I wish for my children, but unfortunately they haven’t had much opportunity to develop them, not because I “lawnmow” for them, but because they have not experienced many bumps in the road. DS19 has always been very responsible and organized. I never had to remind him of assignment due dates or deliver a forgotten item (DS21 is a different story). He’s excelled academically as well so hasn’t needed to advocate with his teachers. The one area where I did step-in was in helping him secure a volunteer position so he could fulfill his graduation requirement (and I recently did the same for DS21). He certainly wasn’t taking the initiative to find a suitable position. Once secured however, he was very responsible in managing his commitment.
Right now we are strongly encouraging him to get a part-time job. As with the search for a volunteer position he is lacking initiative in this regard and I’m really needing to push him to take responsibility for the process. While we’ve provided a bit of advice with regards to his resume/cover letter and how to approach potential employers, this is just coaching him how to manage the process. DS19 is shy so social interactions with strangers is a bit difficult to him and he tends to avoid it if possible. I really want him to take control of the process however. Being able to navigate the job search process is certainly a skill he needs to develop and I just wish he would show more drive and initiative. It’s tough sometimes as parent to have to push them out of their comfort zone especially as I can sympathize with how he’s feeling. I just wish it came naturally to him.
I’ll admit it- I was a lawnmower parent. It did not work out well for my daughter who is on medical leave from college for anxiety and depression. I did such a good job of smoothing her path in high school that she had no idea what to do when she encountered obstacles in college.
I wonder how many of the people claiming not to be lawnmower parents hired SAT tutors and college consultants. I would guess any parent on this site has a fair amount of lawnmower instinct.
Hiring professional assistance for help with a task isn’t lawn mowing, it is rational. Adults regularly hire all sorts of tradesmen and advisors for their expertise. We can’t all be good at everything, and we may wish to polish our skills-as an adult, I’ve hired plumbers and tax advisors and tennis instructors, all for me. I have no problem with hiring tutors or consultants to assist teens with the complex college process. That is far different than supplying easily accessed information, like the number of the college’s IT department.
I still remember when my son texted me at work to ask for the number for his high school. I pointed out that he had a smartphone in his hand. 
The part that resonated with me most from the linked article was the first link:
Here’s the problem: There are times for parents to help, and there are times to hold back.
And very often, especially with my daughter, I purposely erected more barriers. Because I had a kid who wanted to do way too much, way too soon … and if nothing else, I could make my life easier by foisting more tasks on the shoulders of a highly active & over-eager kid. So many times permission for various activities was premised on a daughter-do list. Household chores, errands, whatever.
But if I had used that approach with my son… the kid would never have moved off the couch. Most of the time he needed more nudging. But not always - so the dance of parenting meant knowing when to nudge, knowing when to help, knowing when to back off … and also knowing when it was appropriate to make the task more difficult.
And it’s also sometimes hard to know what is so-called “lawnmower” parenting, and what isn’t. I did a lot of chauffering of my older kid, who didn’t have a car; and I provided the younger kid with a car. The difference was the relative number and distance of regular destinations, as well as my perception of driving skills. The kid who was the good driver and attended high school in a different city a long drive away is the one who was gifted with a vehicle of her own. But then, which kid was the beneficiary of the lawnmower parent? The one who had the benefit of mommy-ubering (long before the invention of uber)… or the one who was handed the keys to a vehicle she could never have afforded to buy on her own? There was a balancing of conveniences & needs. And yes, I could have held back entirely and let each kid spend hours of their lives waiting curbside for buses that never came – we lived in one of those towns where we are lucky if the bus is scheduled to come by once an hour — but the point is that there is a balance, and choices that are influenced by individual circumstances.
I think that most kids are probably getting help from parents some of the time, and left to their own devices other times, and a lot might depend simply on the parents’ convenience and schedule. It’s one thing for a stay-at-home mom to deliver a forgotten item to a school that is a 5 minute drive away; it’s quite another for a parent to leave their workplace and drive back and forth an hour to accomplish the same task.
And yes, of course, there are parents that go overboard… but what else is new?
Just go to the thread “Parents of the HS Class of 2019” and you probably won’t be able to determine if the parent is applying to college or the child?! Lol.
I will say that D20 asked me the other day where on the envelope do you put the stamp!
This thread just came to mind as I was about to address the thank you notes my 13 y/o wrote to her aunts and uncles who hosted her on a three-week visit this summer. She wrote the notes, but then left them on the table for me as I had to look up the addresses. I almost always end up addressing them myself at that point and sending them off.
That said, my kids all know how to properly address an envelope and put a stamp on. I just copied down my in-laws addresses though and am going to leave them for dd to actually address the envelopes herself. I’m a little embarrassed to admit that she wrote them probably three weeks ago but I never got around to looking up their addresses so she’s probably going to be annoyed I never sent them.
Speaking of mail/post office, my older kids seemed to easily figure out on their own how to use my Amazon account to order things for themselves. They have their own debit cards attached to their bank accounts (both teens, tho one now in college). I was perplexed one day when I got an email from Amazon announcing an order had shipped, freaked out for a minute then realized it had to be one of my kids based on the item. Now I didn’t care, b/c they just added their own cards to my account. However, that was all well and good until D decided she needed to return some of her things and expected me to do it for her! Um nope…she learned how to do it fairly quickly when she figured that was the only way she was getting her money back! Of course, the heavy luggage set she ordered that needs returning is still sitting at the top of the stairs outside her room. She discovered as she was packing the day before returning to college that the carry-on was too big and did not mean the specs for her airline (the whole reason she get the set was mainly for the lightweight carryon). And since her flight left at 6:30am the next morning, guess whose task it is to return it? That reminds me I only have a week left!
The best part of these threads is reading the posts and seeing where you fit in. I’m sure most of us read something and say to ourselves, I would never do that. And the rest are saying, Yes, that sounds just like me. Some of the stories posted are eye openers. Wow. Parental College Facebook pages. Wow.
5 years ago we called this “snowplow parenting.”
http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/parent-cafe/1594470-snowplow-parents.html
Just for the “record.” As pat-on-the-back parents, we did two things. First, we made sure the kids had plenty and varied opportunity to discover their talents and follow their interests. Music lessons, youth athletics (soccer, baseball), special summer opportunities (e.g., pre-college summer art programs), study abroad (when they were in college).
But professional college admissions advice? Not for a moment did we consider paying for that. Perhaps the main reason was that we thought we knew all about the college scene, even if we had to learn about the evolving testing regime and the evolving game of college admissions. So there were no paid college counselors. No SAT prep courses. For No.1 it would be a total waste of his time to take prep courses (he got exceptional test scores without any prep at all). For No. 2, who wanted to become an artist, the most important thing we did was pay for her to attend precollege summer art programs (Art Institute of Chicago). But test prep? None.
My D19 is thriving in college academically and socially, and comes across as mature and wise for her age.
But she had no idea how to create a voided check to submit for direct deposit.
My motto in life is that it’s never wrong to be kind. So i’ve supported my kids with all of their needs the best i can. Some are so incredibly self sufficient!! However, kid #3 is really really really scattered, and is testing me.
So my current litmus for when i help S20 with his scatteredness is sort of self serving - and it comes down to money/potential merit. My thoughts are - if his forgotten item it will affect his grade, then it’s worth it to me to get it to him. If it’s more social related; i’m pulling back on being so convenient to him. Trying to find that balance has been tough with this kiddo.
@socaldad2002
Parent of a class of 2019 here. Parents share and vent the same kinds of things that parents share and vent on every class sub board. It’s unnecessary and petty to be critical of stressed out parents trying to figure this stuff out. And it’s throwing rocks from a glass house since it’s not much different from any other parent posting on CC.
It’s amazing how self-sufficient my middle kid became once he moved to Beirut, ha. When you have to scramble to get fresh water and deal with daily power outages, you grow up quickly.
I don’t know what kind of parents we are. At any given moment, we may be helicopter, laissez-faire, lawnmower, tough love, or anything else. Our kids are pretty amazing, so we could feel free to congratulate ourselves on our model parenting skills - and yes, I think our good parenting choices outweighed our bloopers - but really, our kids are amazing because they were a) born that way (don’t discount genetics for temperament, intelligence, talents, etc., etc.), b) born into enough privilege to give them ample opportunities for education and other interests, and c) not messed up TOO much by their parents. And they know we love them more than anything and that they are the center of our universe.
I don’t see a difference between hiring someone to do my taxes and hiring someone to help my kid with college whether it’s SATs or applications/chosing a school. I won’t ever hire someone for SATs because I don’t need to and I have the time to help with college apps, if that’s needed. But some parents work long hours and don’t have that time. My sister hired someone to help out. I wouldn’t judge someone based on the choices they make since they have other criteria and means.
I would never bring my kids forgotten items passed a certain age unless: it was 1-2 times per year. Maybe once a forgotten sports item and another time an assignment/lunch.( One of my kids wasn’t born with good executive function skills and I want to make sure kiddo gets in as much experience learning how to cope as I can possibly give). So I’ll remind the day before and help make processes but I don’t do the work. I think the only way to learn executive function skills is by failing to get it and being reminded.
I would NEVER do my kids homework or even help. I have answered questions to help clarify. ( This is a little unfair for me to say though as my kids really haven’t ever needed help). We’ve given our kids lots of opportunities to find what they like to do. We’ve made sacrifices to do this. We tell the kids about choices we have made to ensure that they have these opportunities. ( Not guilt but choices). We don’t accept our kids not working hard. It’s a two way street. And they do chores and have to earn money for things which are not normal. For example,my kiddo recently bought and paid for $200 sunglasses. I would have contributed $8 ( as that’s the value I place on sunglasses