<p>I’m sure this is something many parents have already experienced or are bracing for in the fall - your newly-minted freshman leaving his/her significant other behind as he/she goes away to college. Any advice on how to help with the transition? I’ve encouraged my daughter to fully embrace her college experience. I’m afraid if she hangs on to this young man long distance, it will limit her. (I have visions of her alone in her room on a weekend obsessing about who he’s with/what he’s doing etc) Not surprisingly, she is not particularly interested in my advice on the matter. I know it’s her life and her business, I’m interested in how other parents may have handled this issue and whether my concerns are well-founded. Thanks. </p>
<p>DS left his then-girlfriend behind.</p>
<p>Because of the time zone difference between them and they communicated with each other at night, DS’s bed time became later than usual. Of course, we dare not provide any unsolicited “advice”.</p>
<p>We do not know what happened exactly. But after about half a year, the girl decided to pull the plug and stopped the relationship. We heard (not from DS, but from a “concerned” parent of her friend who did not know they had had a break-up) she started a new relationship soon after.To her credit, she did stopped one relationship cleanly and then started a new relationship.</p>
<p>Before their breakup, DS’s suitemate tried to be a “match maker” for him, but DS declined his offer. Another girl would call him to have some activity together. He did go out with her a couple of times but he told her in advance that he has a girlfriend back home. He ended up not having any girlfriend in 4 years. Now that he is in the graduate school, he regretted he did not spend more time on this in college.</p>
<p>We do not know whether he has a girlfriend today. Don’t tell. And don’t ask, However, we heard that he would spend some time on cooking these days. It is somewhat unusual for him to do this, considering how busy he is recently. We do not want to ask him whether he cooks for himself only, or for two people, Also, it appears he car-pools a lot with another person this semester. Maybe we have over-speculated something. LOL. </p>
<p>My D1 left a boyfriend behind, though not far behind. He wasn’t going on to college and lived about an hour away. They still had quite a tearful farewell and I know it was hard on both. Before the end of the first year, they had broken up and D1 met someone new her sophomore year and they are still together.</p>
<p>I think this is a very common story. I worried that her bf would visit too much, that they could call, text, Skype, and spend too much time together that way. But I figured that nature would take its course eventually and I didn’t risk saying anything to D1 about it.</p>
<p>Don’t worry about your D too much. There’s plenty of ways for her to go out and have fun with new friends even though she has a bf “back home”. It may last, it may not, but she likely won’t be worrying in her room.</p>
<p>My boyfriend left ME behind. He went to MIT and I was at UT. I visited him two Thanksgivings in a row. On Christmas Eve after the second visit, he dumped me. He liked a new girl. Later I heard that she dumped him after awhile.</p>
<p>There’s nothing a parent can do, though. I remember my dad saying, “Well, of course you’re not going to keep dating BF when he leaves” and my being quite indignant. Of course, if I had to do it over again, things would have been different! I DID spend a lot of time in my room, wondering what he was doing. This was back in the dark ages, and we talked only once a week, if that. </p>
<p>Turkey drop.</p>
<p>Both of my Ds left BFs behind. My oldest D’s BF wasn’t going to college at all and was staying local. We did worry and we did advise her NOT to have him visit too often as it would get in the way of making friends, getting involved in the social scene, etc. She didn’t listen and it did interfere somewhat but we knew that there was only so much we could do about it. Halfway through sophomore year she broke up with him for reasons unrelated to college.<br>
My second D left a BF who was a year younger than she. Her friends advised her to break up before going away but her heart was telling her differently. I actually advised her to follow her heart because I knew that she would be breaking up with him for the wrong reason if she did it simply because it would be inconvenient to continue the relationship. I thought it was better to trust to time and circumstances. So they continued the relationship long distance until the summer between freshman and sophomore year.<br>
Both of my Ds are in “new” relationships with boys they met at college. The oldest has been dating him for three and a half years. They moved to another state together and are going strong. My youngest will graduate in May and is moving to another state for grad school, leaving the BF (temporarily, they say) so that he can stay where he is and work on a business endeavor. We’ll see.</p>
<p>My oldest D left her boyfriend behind when she went to college and it DID impact her first and second quarters of college. She dumped him during spring quarter though and then immersed herself in college and never looked back. She ended up dating someone she met at school and they are still dating (he graduated last year and she graduates this year). </p>
<p>My younger D is currently a freshman in college and she and her boyfriend started dating when they were sophomores in high school and decided at that time they were going to break up before going to college even if they went to the same college. They broke up an hour before we left to take our D to college and it has been great for my D because she didn’t have anything holding her back from enjoying college. She currently has a boyfriend but he’s a senior so I assume they’ll break up at the end of the year but I haven’t asked and she hasn’t said anything about it.</p>
<p>My advice is to just let your D figure things out on her own. It sounds like you’ve told her your concerns and she is choosing to ignore your advice (my oldest did the same). She’ll figure it out soon enough.</p>
<p>Thanks for the replies. It will be hard to sit back and let the situation unfold on it’s own. I guess it’s just another step in “letting her go” </p>
<p>DH & I were dating in high school and went to different colleges. Neither of us had a car and you know how expensive phone calls were then. That was 33 years ago.</p>
<p>Let nature take its course. Meddling in it will likely only backfire. I would only voice my opinion on major decisions, like if she wanted to transfer to his school.</p>
<p>My ex and I had been together since freshman year of high school when I went off to college. For us, it was never even a question of whether or not we’d stay together. The first year I probably didn’t get as integrated into university life as I would’ve had I been single, but I have no regrets. We broke up during my sophomore year.</p>
<p>My parents never meddled, though did express their desire for me to not come home and visit with him quite as often as I did. I don’t think you should meddle. Almost certainly, it will end on its own shortly after she moves to college.</p>
<p>That’s another question I have, should I say no coming home until thanksgiving break? Her school is five hours by car. I don’t want her spending entire weekends on the road to come home to check up on the boyfriend. Too much? </p>
<p>D went to school 4 hours away, leaving hs senior bf. They took turns going back and forth to see each other, and she applied for transfer to the school he will attend in the fall. They will both be going there, even if they break up before then. </p>
<p>My oldest D is also 5 hours away by car and she didn’t come home until Thanksgiving but her boyfriend visited her several times. </p>
<p>When I was a HS junior I was dating a senior. He left for college and I was anxiously awaiting his return at Thanksgiving. This was 1979 so no cell phones or Skype! When he returned, we spent one day together, it was great, and that night he dumped me. I cried so much! He insisted that he hadn’t met anyone, but he just wanted to be free to explore the college dating scene (or something like that). Eventually, I got over it.</p>
<p>Fast forward a year, I met a young man during the summer after HS graduation. I tearfully left for college (600 miles away in Michigan) in September, he was attending CC and living with his parents. I came home at Christmas, for a weekend in February to surprise him on his birthday, at Spring break, and the end of the year. We were poor and could only afford one, 1/2 hour phone call per week - on Friday at 11 pm, when the rates went down (remember that?). We wote each other actual letters! After my 1st year, I moved home and got a full time job, 2-10:30 pm shift, and enrolled in classes at the local campus of the state university. Stayed for the summer and fall; probably gave my parents a scare that I wouldn’t go back to Michigan or finish my degree. But in January me and BF followed through with our plan. We’d saved enough money to move into a co-op, so we packed a u-haul and went back to MI. (My parents paid my tuition but refused to pay R&B if I was “shacking up with a guy”, so we had to cover that.) I graduated on schedule with honor, with my happy parents and BF in attendance. I have now been married to said BF for 28 years and we are sending our son to college in the fall. (I still have all of those letters, BTW. 
) </p>
<p>Have no idea what happened to BF #1.</p>
<p>Goes to show you never can tell.</p>
<p>I agree with those that say don’t advise or intervene. They will work it out in due time.</p>
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<p>A reasonable concern, but not really likely. Your Dd is not going to become a hermit just because her boyfriend isn’t there, unless she had those tendencies anyway. It may actually help her throw herself into her studies and cultivating friendships, instead of partying. </p>
<p>Most of these long distance relationships don’t work out, but they need to make the break at what feels like the right time for them, not just an arbitrary deadline. Then again, they may be like my son and new DIL- who started dating senior year in HS, carried on long distance for four years (east and west coast) and are now happily married three years out of college. It’s not the norm, but it does happen. I can only imagine how awkward things would be now if I had encouraged my son to drop his gf so he could “fully embrace his college experience.” Since they both graduated Phi Beta Kappa and were very active on their respective campuses, it seems kind of patronizing, in retrospect.</p>
<p>Sticker, you’ve raised your child. She’s all grown up. She’s off to college. </p>
<p>Leave her alone and let her make her own decisions. If she asks, reply, but if she doesn’t, let her be. Let her make mistakes. Be there to pick her up. </p>
<p>You are so done! Congratulations!</p>
<p>Thanks CRdad. I know you’re right. It’s just surprisingly hard to let go. I will do my best. </p>
<p>Sticker, I can only remember this with my sister. She was left behind twice, mainly because she was younger. She dumped the first guy. She married the second. They have been together for over 40 years. One never knows how this life will turn out.</p>
<p>So yes, let it go.</p>
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<p>Does she really need a car? Unless there’s some compelling reason why the answer is yes, then I would encourage you not to provide one. Sorry but you can’t just give a kid a car and say don’t use it to come home until Thanksgiving. </p>
<p>If you give her a car than you give her permission and even encourage her to keep contact with the BF and other old HS friends when she would be much better off staying on campus and forming the friendships and connections she needs to become successfully integrated into college life. </p>
<p>Kids today have all sorts of social media to stay in touch with old friends. It’s even more important now to help them forge new relationships in their new campus community. </p>
<p>I would definitely not send DD off to college with a car. Forget trying to influence her relationship decisions one way or another - but I would certainly not create an obstacle to her ability to fully embrace her college experience by giving her a car - especially if she doesn’t truly need it for a job or internship, etc. </p>