<p>Both of my kids had bf/gf in hs. My older son dated her for the first year and a half of college. I had mixed opinions - on one hand it was nice he could solely focus on school, making friends and avoiding drama, I also think it did keep him too tied to home emotionally. He broke up with her and started dated someone at school who happens to be from our state.</p>
<p>My d who is a hs senior has had a bf since early junior year. His parents were hs sweethearts and he’s thinking long term. She’s thinking come the end of summer she wants to be foot loose and fancy free. I tried suggesting that she just sees how things go without making a permanent decision. This is the kid as a parent you think - too bad they didn’t meet 5 years from now. </p>
<p>To your last question about allowing her to come home before Thanksgiving, I would highly discourage that. They will mostly likely talk every day until one or the other decides that it’s time to move on, or they’ll just stay together. I think it’s a bit different now because of improved communications. My son and his (sort of) ex-GF skype while on abroads on a regular basis and did so at their home colleges in different states. I gave up trying to keep track of their status after freshman year. </p>
<p>I met my bf when I was about to go to college and he was a rising hs senior. After a year and a half of long distance, I transferred to his school. That was about 37 years of together, almost 32 of marriage, and two kids ago. So you never know!</p>
<p>Isn’t “allowing or not allowing her to come home before Thanksgiving” also not letting go??? If she can work out a ride or ticket to come home on her own, so be it! I never understood not letting kids come home at reasonable times.</p>
<p>D1 left for freshman year with a BF of 3 years and they split by end of sophomore year. The relationship did not get in the way of them having a good social life at school, then just grew away from each other.</p>
<p>S left started college in fall 2010 with a GF of less than one year. They were 3 hours away from each other. They will both graduate from college in two weeks and the relationship grew, blossomed and became stronger over those four years. They both had other friends and social life in college, saw each other every few weeks, but not desperately. We funded probably one trip a semester for GF to visit son at school because we love her as well and ourselves survived a long distance relationship through 4 years of college. S and GF will now be looking for jobs. While they have no $$$ to get married at this point, they have expressed that they hope to find jobs in the same area - they don’t want to be apart again. After being “apart” for 4 years, staying focussed on finishing in 4 years, and having other friendships, I have to give my blessing to the fact that they want to NOT be apart again. They did their time. :)</p>
<p>All I can say is that, even though we are all hyper-aware of our children’s areas of immaturity, I think by the time they are old enough to go to college they have some pretty good self-protective instincts, especially around relationships. I have seen plenty of college freshmen make mistakes, but they tend to be trial-and-error mistakes, mistakes to learn from, not necessarily enormous mistakes. </p>
<p>Parental intervention probably increases, rather than decreases, the risk of error. That’s both because parents don’t ever really have all the information they need about the relationship, and because of the constant risk that kids will do the opposite of what their parents recommend just to show who’s boss of whom.</p>
<p>OP, stay away from this. Far away. My son’s gf broke up with him after 2.5 years , via the phone at her mother’s insistence, despite the fact that they were very happy together and working out a somewhat long distance relationship. But mom “knew it was time” and that “he would hamper her growth”. Mom actually sat in the room to make sure the daugher went through with it. He could live with the breakup better than what he felt was the parental betrayal/interference (these people, as far as we knew, adored my son and included him in everything) , and both he and gf kept in touch anyway. But he couldn’t get over that she had chosen Mom over him and the reconciliation died. I myself had a great deal of trouble forgiving this mom for what was truly none of her business. Ok. I haven’t forgiven her, clearly …</p>
<p>In life, we choose to have relationships and whatever work that requires. Nobody has the right to tell another person who to love, and how to make it work. All these parents that want their children to be free and unencumbered to experience life should be careful what they wish for. After another serious relationship, Mom also drove the NEXT bf away from this girl, who now has a lovely career but nobody to share it with. Except Mom. Let’s not characterize potential partners as obstacles.</p>
<p>Wow Greenbutton, that’s awful - sitting in the room to make sure she followed through with it?! Did she write her daughter a script to read as well - ugh! </p>
<p>Just one more vote for STAY OUT OF IT! What will be will be. My roommate had a BF from early junior high–spent several college years spent apart and a bit beyond and have been happily married now 30 plus years. They made it work. Great match obviously. Thank goodness her parents stayed out of it.
I dumped a great guy when I got to college–difficult but best in the long run for both of us. Thank goodness I didn’t have parents who meddled. I just knew what I needed.
I’ve watched my own kids have great BF/GF ,be dumped, dump. I keep my mouth SHUT on all fronts.
I’m very happy that my kids pick great people for their relationships. I don’t feel a need to intervene because the people they match up with are good people. That’s the most important thing. I don’t have a say in how they live their lives–I just hope hubbie and I have set a good enough example into what a good marriage looks like. I know my parents did–70 year anniversary coming up.</p>
<p>DS2 is living this now, and it has gone so much better than I expected. </p>
<p>His gf is at a flagship a couple of hours from here, and ds is 1,000 miles away. I told him my preference was that they break up but that I would support him no matter what he decides … but decide something. My fear was that they would break up at the airport as he’s about to fly off because neither of them wanted to have the Big Talk (this was less than two weeks before he left). Once he told me that he didn’t want to break up, I told him that maybe the Big Talk is that they agree to stay together and that when he’s back for Christmas they re-evaluate so that 1) If someone wants to break up, no one is blind-sided, and 2) If one of you meets someone, then you can be with them but put them on hold until January. He liked that, and that night that’s how he approached it. Well, they are still together, and this week she is flying up to see him, once she’s done with finals, so she can meet all his new friends. Over Spring Break, he met her new crew. :)</p>
<p>I am really happy for them and now see why this has been good for them. They are both ambitious, and having someone “back home” has enabled them to totally immerse themselves in college life without the complication of the dating scene. Nothing about their relationship is holding each other back, and, in a way, I think it’s allowed them to put themselves out there more without worrying about the opposite sex. I was afraid that they would be sitting in their dorm rooms Skyping every Friday night, but that is so not the case. They do Skype, e-mail, text and write old-fashioned letters to each other, but they only “talk” a couple of times a week. They are each soooo busy with their clubs and friends. I am excited for them that this is working for now. I think if ds had been unencumbered his freshman year would have gone a lot differently. I also think this summer, when they are both home, will be a make-or-break time for them. In a way, it’s easy to get along when there’s nothing to have to argue about, right? But, really, they have been incredibly mature about this. YMMV.</p>
<p>All the cases we’ve seen resolve themselves without any parent intervention. It’s not at all uncommon for kids to try the long distance thing the first semester. There is comfort in that. It’s nice for them to have someone close to call that first semester in the dorms surrounded by people they don’t know. Most seem to end things amicably sometime during that first year.</p>
<p>I stayed with my high school boyfriend through college (our schools were 2 hours away from each other.) It ended when I left for internship across the country. It was time. We both moved on. We are still friends and I am grateful to have had such a good guy in my life during those years.</p>
<p>My D will be leaving her boyfriend but as of now, they are planning on trying the long-distance thing. They are pretty practical and mature kids. Honestly, I don’t think he is “the one” and I suspect they’ll break-up over the distance eventually but he’s a great kid and I’m glad D will have his support in the beginning.</p>
<p>I agree that unless someone is abusive it’s best not to get involved. I read a book before my D left for college and found the advice useful. D had a BF and they were debating about breaking up the June before she was to go away for college. He was going to college in town. The only thing that was causing them to discuss this was the idea that they felt a long distance relationship “shouldn’t” work out. The advice in the book “The Naked Roommate (and 107 other things you’ll need to know before going to College)” was if you are feeling uncomfortable about your relationship you have a good reason to break it off. If you are happy in your relationship then there is no reason to break it off immediately. Someone probably will at some point, but there is no reason to rush it. However, they warned, “Do Not Cheat”. If you feel the need to date other people in the absense of the other then it is the time to break up. It won’t be fun or easy but it will be right. If later you rediscover one another you’ll never have lied. D is still dating BF. They are actually both studying engineering and frankly I think D at least appreciates not having the distraction of dating at college. We’ll see how things pan out in the long run.</p>
<p>It will workout but not without some pain to one or both parties. That’s life. And you would be shocked how many HS loves get back together later in life.</p>
<p>I was only able to share with my kids what happened to me and explained it was just one possibility and they should have an open honest discussion now and keep it ongoing. It’s part of growing up at this stage in their lives. I started dating a friend from HS the summer after HS. She was 2 years behind me. It was a little awkward but I was a commuter so we roughed out the edges. She then went away to college and we kept the relationship going over the next 4 years. We kept the conversation topical, and despite our affection for each other we grew as individuals and had a somewhat open relationship, more of a don’t tell kind of thing. We perfected it. When she graduated I I moved from my home base and career because she wanted to start fresh in another city. That was foolish of me because of the progress I had made in my career. We lived together for 2 years but we were so good at the open relationship thing neither one of us could be “faithful” to the other and we broke up. My career never took off again in the new city. So my advice is to NOT give up on your career for a significant other. Same for college, meaning, don’t choose a college close to the girl/boy when the best college is far away. I remember older people telling me, live while you are young because when you are older you don’t have the same opportunities. It’s hard to be so objective when you are knee deep in a relationship. If you’re lucky your kids won’t fall in love until much later in life.</p>
<p>I had the opposite. My junior year of high school, I dated a senior who subsequently went away to college (the college I wound up going to - and he did open my eyes to it). My parents disliked him intensely, and for some good reasons that I was too immature to understand, but they couldn’t argue with me that I wasn’t selecting a good school, and I knew in my heart (and still know) that I went there because of a specific program, not to “follow” him. I spent my senior year pining away for him, naturally. (What a waste.) </p>
<p>I dated this young man through my first quarter, though happened to meet some other very nice young men in the normal course of things. Fast-forward to January of my freshman year: Boyfriend refuses to go with me to a formal, so I ask one of the nice young men I knew from the dorm. Long story short, I realized that hs boyfriend wasn’t all that, broke up with him, and started dating the other nice young man, who is now my husband of 27 years. If my parents had <em>really</em> run interference or tried to tell me what I could / could not do with my dating life, I guarantee I would have married hs boyfriend just out of the “no one’s going to be the boss of me”, and it would have been an absolute disaster. Moral of the story: Unless there is abuse of some sort going on, you HAVE to let it play itself out and not interfere. Hard as it is. </p>
<p>This is the best advice. Wen my younger D was being advised by her friends to break up with the BF before going off to college, I just couldn’t understand that tactic. Why would you be in a relationship with someone just to choose a deadline at which to end it? You wouldn’t treat any other relationship that way. A friend for instance. It didn’t make any sense to me at all. My D was very relieved when I shared that I thought it was a dumb idea. I knew that it would likely end of it’s own accord anyway.</p>
<p>Of course she was moving 8 hours away and I knew that the BF would not be able to visit very often so there was less concern about it impacting her enculturation to her college life.</p>
<p>You know what else not to do? Don’t break up and then cheat on the break-up – out of lonliness, homesickness, whatever – without really meaning to get back together. That can only end in tears, for sure.</p>
<p>My daughter is just finishing high school, but has been dating in a long distance relationship for 2 years. We used to live in CA, now live in FL, so it’s not an easy situation. Her BF has been here 3 times for long weekends, and she’s been to visit him for 10-14 day trips. Last year his parents asked if she could go on a 5 week RV trip with them. I said no. This summer they planned this big trip where they’d come to her graduation, they’d all go on a trip for two weeks in FL, then RV it to Denver, then to Wyo for her college orientation, then to my niece’s wedding, then back to CA where she’d work for the family business for 6-8 weeks and then go to college. I said I didn’t like that plan. Then the next day I said no. They think since she’s going to college she can just do whatever she wants. I said no. They said ‘but they need to spend the whole summer getting to know each other.’ I said no. My daughter said she would like to go, but wasn’t all that upset when I said no. Now the BF is going crazy trying to come up with plans of how they can be together, including him living in a camper for the summer so he can see her every day. Even she thinks that’s crazy. </p>
<p>He’s two years older. He’s very whiny. He wants her to be part of his family but doesn’t like any of us. She just wants to date him but doesn’t want to spend 24/7 with him. I’ll say she’s very good about doing things without him. She’s going to prom with a boy from school, just as friends. BF is jealous and mad. She has plans to study abroad during college, and he won’t like that at all. I’ve told her a 100 times not to give up opportunities just because BF can’t go, and she’s pretty good about it. He’s not. He didn’t go to his prom, doesn’t have friends, doesn’t do anything but wait for her to call. He’s obsessing that she won’t commit to Thanksgiving or Christmas breaks. I said right now we are committing to June 15 and that’s it.</p>
<p>I don’t care if she dates him, I just don’t want her to give up things, or spend hours talking to him on the phone so that she either misses out or her grades suffer.</p>
<p>twoinanddone, that sounds like a very bad situation, with the bf’s parents not understanding appropriate boundaries regarding their son and your family. It sounds like the parents are pushing the relationship as much as the son.
I don’t think your dd will find his behavior very attractive once she is away at college. Right now she can let things slide because she’s still at home (and she has you to set the boundaries) but I would expect that she’ll tire of him once in college, and he’ll be history by Thanksgiving. (whiny is sooo unattractive. ;))</p>
<p>Yes, I had a long conversation with his father, and I said ‘I don’t LIKE this plan.’ He kept telling me how much they like my D, blah blah blah, and would never let anything happen to her. I said what if I had the boy and you had the girl - would you let your daughter live with strangers for the summer? Big pause. Well, pal, I don’t like the plan. BF is an only child, adopted by older parents so he’s used to his parents doing everything for him. He goes to college 30 minutes from home and goes home several times a week. My daughter is actually independent, but she’s still a child.</p>
<p>I understand the BF whining and wanting his way because he’s a child. I understand them wanting my D to go on the adventure (she a fun person), but it’s not what I want. I think she should work this summer, see her friends, see some relatives (who she’s ignored for all the holidays this year). I didn’t appreciate the father arguing with me and I told him so. I want my daughter for one more summer. She’s going to be a theater major, so I assume she’ll do summer stock for the next few summers. BF won’t like that at all.</p>
<p>I’m NOT looking forward to them all coming for graduation. What we put up with for our children.</p>
<p>Ugh! So grateful that I really like both of my D’s current boyfriends. Don’t know if they will be forever relationships but I wouldn’t be sad if they did.</p>